What would you do?

[Airyfairy1985]

I'm in a bit of a tricky dating scenario, I met this guy OLD a few weeks ago and in a short space of time we've hung out a lot and both admitted we've formed a really great connection.

We've been in touch a lot, but in the last week his phone has stopped receiving any messages and I've also noticed he's not posted anything on social media (i'm not on social media but he showed me his profile which is public). I've not been checking in a stalkerish way more than he's completely vanished and I was confused and concerned as to what's happened to him.

The only conclusion I can come to is that he's lost/broken his phone and has lost his contacts, he has to have a phone for work and to contact his kids so this is nothing to do with me, I'm also not blocked on whatsapp or anything like that so it seems like this is the likely scenario.

I guess I'm thinking I could just leave it to fate and assume I will never hear from him again, but if he has lost all numbers he won't be able to contact me in any other way, the only thing I could do is email him at this work address but I can't decide if that is total pyschopath behaviour, although due to his work, his email is easily available by a simple Google search.

What would you do?

No man falls in love faster than the one who just got out of prison and doesn't have a home, the 'love bombing' is real.

I think that's a bit unfair, I have fully acknowledged how bad the situation is and I have spent hours and hours talking to this guy getting to know who he is. I can't help it if he's got under my skin, I'm only human.

@samanthablues exactly, he will say and do anything to get OP to let him in. It's all about self preservation. Even if OP has no intention of allowing him to move in yet, that's likely to be his goal, after all he can talk her round.

You've known him two months!! FFS how are you even entertaining this??

You have children, you can't be putting all your emotional and practical energy into some flaky jailbird with a dramatic past with his ex.

Was he recalled to prison because he had some kind of non-molestation order against his ex and he violated it? Or sending malicious online messages or something?

All this headspace you're wasting on him, is it really worth it?!

This is a why it's so hard. I'm in too deep now I think to pull the plug unless there is a valid reason but he is on incredibly thin ice and he knows this.

But this is where you just completely contradict yourself. On the one hand you say you are in too deep to pull the plug, on the other you say he is on thin ice.

Right from the get go of this thread you were obsessed with this man. But saying you were not and in complete control. It's just limerance.

Dating may be hard in your 40s, but it should not be the case that you are willing to settle for somebody that makes you feel uncomfortable, things don't add up with him and he has been to PRISON.

This won't end well that's for sure. It really is best to pull the plug. Cry for a while and move on. He is not the love of your life. You've only known him a few weeks and you really don't know him that well yet. You think you do, but honestly you don't.

I don’t really know where to start on your update.

Aside from being great company, getting on well etc….you have been dragged in to quite a difficult situation and so early on. Coming out of prison even after a short time means overcoming a lot, lots of judgment, impact on work, impact on finances, mental health etc..and your at the start, not even at the “it was 30yrs ago” stage, it was the otter week!
The first 6mnths ish of a new relationship should still be the honeymoon period. I can’t help think you have been deprived of that and instead you’re sorting out his life and at one of his lowest points instead. 😕

This thread has been painful from the start (it was clear all along there was no good outcome), but it's getting worse and worse 😳 OP, block him and his friends/ family. Maybe step back from dating and work on yourself and loving yourself.

If the offence was really so minor, you'd tell us what it is. I don't want to know, but I would lencourage you to stop minimising to yourself. The ex was prosecuted for beating me up three times in a week, and didn't get a prison sentence - until he broke the restraining order and stalked me. You have to try quite hard to get a prison sentence!

But I bet he told his next girlfriend that he went to prison for vandalism (he damaged my ex-husband's car, which was part of the stalking charges).

You keep saying you have boundaries, but you really don't. You don't have a boundary of 'I won't date jailbirds'. Or a boundary of 'I won't date men who are in a complicated situation with their ex'. Or a boundary of 'I won't date men with crazy exes, because it's overwhelmingly bad men who say this.'

Looking back, everyone who was in an abusive relationship can see the red flags they explained away. And that's what you are doing now - expaining away. He is a textbook abuser - even the thing about a family member reaching out - that's how I got sucked back in several times. And the way his situation is consuming your life so early on. It stops you from being able to think clearly, all these hours talking to him.

So where does your boundary lie? What would cause you to dump him? Write it down now, and vow to yourself that you will stick to this boundary, because at the moment, you are the frog in the pot, and he's slowly turning up the heat. You are letting boundary after boundary slide.

Before your last abusive relationship, you probably thought you'd never stay with a man who abused you. I know I thought that. But the water temperature rises so slowly....

What does he want from you? His next victim, thart's what he wants. He chose you well, OP, because that's what they do.

Have you done a Clare's Law request on him? I really think you should - on anyone who has been to prison.

What an amazing post @christmasfluff I hope you're okay, but absolutely solid advice and information here.

Maybe not but you can help what you do about it.

I'm just reading back because I seriously can't understand why you would want to still be seeing him.

This stuck out, so he can't see his children because of whatever criminal activity he was in prison for? He intends to move back in to the place his ex is still living once the criminal activity. Sorry, his legal situation is sorted out. Where will the ex go or is she intending to stay? Is the ex the mother of his children? If she is and he intends to kick her out l assume you're happy with him making her and his children homeless.

You seem to downplay the fact he was in prison, you don't go to prison for a minor offence. Tax evasion (your previous example) isn't a minor offence. Even drugs these days you get a slap on the wrist and told not to get caught again.

You have to be known to the police for multiple offences or do some serious to warrant going to prison or being recalled to prison (which would mean he has a criminal past). The rioters were dealt with the way they were to show the people that the new government had things under control.

You seriously want this man around your children?

However I expect you'll ignore everyones warnings and carry on with the charming, funny and kind man and be back on here in 6 months asking for advice because he's inside again and is no longer charming or kind.

Thank you @Duckduckgoose24 , and I am more than ok now. It changed my life in a good way, because it made me look at how I really didn't have boundaries at all, and like the OP, I would mistake intensity for intimacy and quickly go 'all in' on relationships with people I didn't actually know.

It was pure luck I didn't end up in an abusive relationship sooner - although I had plenty of cocklodgers!

So I do get why OP thinks she has self-love and self-respect, because I thought that too! Whereas actually someone with self-love and self-respect wouldn't stay with someone like my ex, or like OPs boyf. They'd want better for someone they loved and respected. Love and respect are actions, not words.

I stick with my original comment, you are deluded and trying to justify why you are staying with him. It’s hard to see the red flags when you don’t want to.

and you aren’t in too deep at all, don’t live with him, your kids haven’t met him, this is the easiest point to walk away. You can’t convince us just as much as you are trying to convince yourself.

Is it not sensible to ask for space whilst he works through this and get his shit together... Put the boundary down and what is meant to be will be. It isn't fair for you to get dragged through this. He's got a lot to make up for and I don't see that he is. He's drawing you in. Making you part of the problem with him. The risk is you start feeling responsible to help or guilty if you don't in terms of 'being there for him'. He's an adult. He needs to own this and understand he's not ready for a new relationship until it's been worked through properly. Then maybe you can consider it. IMO. So suggest you guys pause until things are more settled...

Amazing advice form everyone OP. If ANY situation is this complex so early on it’s definitely time to walk away. Ur head is already a mess.
As @dontlookbackinangerr said he is drawing you in. Can you stop being a shock absorber for a moment and just be an observer. Dont get sucked into the horror of his stories, just HEAR them and don’t absorb all the drama. Remove yourself from the middle of this tornado and just look in from the outside. The whole scenario sounds like a drama fest and I see plenty of red flags flying.

The question is, do you feel you can see the wood through the trees so to speak? If you can't or you're questioning yourself/the situation/just hoping for the best then please please take a step back, sent with positive support to help you x

I wish I had listened to all the advice.
It ended horribly with me catching him with another woman.
I will never, ever allow this to happen to myself again.
I clearly have a lot of work to do on myself and was not ready to date, I've been the victim of a completely manipulative man and it really hurts.
I know there will be a lot of 'i told you so' comments and I fully deserve to hear all of them.

Sorry to hear your news. Look at it this way, you’ve wasted a few months on a tosser. You’ve dodged a bullet. It’s far better that this has happened now rather than in two or three years time. Just draw a line under it and be kind to yourself. We’ve all been a fool for someone, as the saying goes.

But what you must do is look at the red flags (and there were many!) and examine how you ignored them. Not to beat yourself up about it, but to learn a lesson and make sure you don’t repeat those mistakes next time round.

Thank you, you're completely right.
I did ignore all the red flags literally from the first date.
But like you say, only a few months wasted.
I think this was limerence on my behalf, I became obsessed with the idea of this man even though he gave me barely anything to go on, it was the idea of him in those moments where he fooled me into thinking he cared that I clung on to. The rest of the time I got absolutely nothing from him.
I just hope the other woman I caught him with listened to what I said and realised so she doesn't get abused but that's on her.

Well done! You escaped being eaten by a crocodile. It doesn’t matter how ugly it was or why you fell near his mouth. You got out! Now learn not to jump back snd you have gotten something important from the experience!

So sorry to hear this. Use it as a learning experience but I’m sorry to hear you’ve been hurt. It could have been far worse though. Sending love xx

Why did you start a new thread asking if you could report him for emotional abuse?

He was a (very well-signposted, tbf) dick but he cheated on you after a couple of dates, why would you think to involve the police?!

You seem to be deliberately perpetuating the drama, which is completely on you.

Wow, that was a wild ride from start to finish. Thanks for updating OP, sorry to hear it didn't work out.

He is know to the police for coercive behaviour and manipulation, I have been dating him for 5 months. I don't want another woman to experience what I have.

But cheating doesn't in of itself constitute a crime. You were adamant earlier in the thread that it was "100% not DV" or you would be gone, so if his recall to prison was due to DV involving his exes why the hell did you still continue to see him once he was out?!

I'm sorry but you claiming to be a "victim of his abuse" as on your new thread just screams of you wanting revenge on him and to continue to be involved with him somehow. Why on earth wouldn't you just walk away and work on yourself, and why you thought any of this was a good idea?

He is still in your head, and it's not helping you to drag out the end of this "relationship". You need to take some accountability for your part in it, not look to report him for further DV which you were aggressively denying just weeks ago!