H behaving very odd. thoughts and what this could be?

[spiegelis]

I am just trying to understand what is going on and I am preparing my exit but any thoughts on that (other than that he is a nasty nasty man).

He isn't British but comes from a different country. For the last few years, he spends every Summer there with his parents (they live there) under the pretext that they are old and need help (late 70s but but fit and well). He is a teacher so has all Summer off. We have DC and I work in an office role and do not get much leave so stay in the UK with the kids and usually just go a week somewhere in thr UK). Last Summer, and this, he not only went back to his home county for the entire school hols but he blocked me on his phone as soon as he arrived there under some shady excuse (he didn't leave me any money over the Summer as he claims he has none (lie, he earns well). An unexpected bill came in so I asked him to transfer some money as he is the main earner - I only manage a part time role due to caring for a family member). He said again he has no left over money and blocked me as he deemed my message 'abusive'. He also spends regularly Christmas there and we are not allowed to contact him either. We are never allowed to come along. His family has no interest in seeing the grandchildren (they never visit us either). I know it's all not normal and I am plotting my exit but I am trying to make sense of it all and what could be possibly be going on. Any thoughts? I am genuinely intrigued about the long stretches of time there and the no contact and the fact that I have no idea where his money is going.

Op I'm not sure what help/advice you're looking for?
I'm not sure why you won't disclose the country he's in? You've already told us his profession, and that he's married to an office worker with two kids, one of whom is disabled. That's pretty outing!
There may be people reading this who can offer you more help if they know which country we're dealing with? There may even be pp who live there.
Without that, all we can say is that there's only one reason why your husband would go NC whilst he's there, and that's because he has another partner. You need to seek legal advice quickly before you make your next move.

I'd love to but I have no means of getting there as the flights are way to expensive. I kno I should focus on getting him out but I still feel I have a right to know.

But the poster is right...

So... what is stopping you divorcing the fucker whilst he is gone - whose name is the house in, who has control over the major finances - I don't understand how he can just fuck off and not pay various bills etc whilst gone, or are those coming out of his account/a joint account via direct debit so all automated?

You need to leave, however it is you do it. He really sounds absolutely vile.

Put a restriction at the Land Registry to stop the house being sold without your knowledge.

See if you can contact the mortgage company to quantify amount owing.

Teacher - presumably in Teachers Pension scheme? Either call or look at their Web pages to understand how you record your interest in event of divorce.

Search the house top to bottom for papers. Take copies and store safely.

Yep this

I found everything but the pension paperwork. Is that being kept online and paper free? There is absolutely nothing but I know he has a pension there.

can you not email him?

His home country could be Latvia as the OP's username is a Latvian word (means mirror).

You won't be able to access his pension details, but you can probably make an assessment of the likely pension pot by looking up average contributions and if you know how long he has been teaching. If you can find salary slips and P60s, tax returns you will be able to get a pretty good idea. Photocopy or photograph whatever you can find, his NI number would be particularly important. These things are very useful to your solicitor going forward.

I am not sure why you are still married to him ......

I don’t think that a second family is plausible.

If the OP’s DH came from a 3rd world country where it’s common for people to work abroad to provide for their families, or from a culture where arranged marriage is equally normal or it’s normal to have another family that would make sense. But the OP said they’re from a westernised culture, so if he’d got together with someone over in his home country what possible reason could there be for his not changing jobs to move there in order to set up his life with this person. We know that he can’t because he’s married to the OP, but who is going to fall for the “I’m working in the UK and can only see you for eight weeks of the year” type line?

his parents seem to be under the impression that he and the OP are separated, but in terms of another woman and family that wouldn’t add up for her.

Change the locks and divorce him OP. You've got this x

I'm sorry, but what does he say when he comes back and you ask him? I presume you talk to him about it. Why isn't he answering your calls , why is he blocking you? What is his answer, because this is obviously not normal.

Is there no one you are in contact with in that country who could do some digging for you? Or is it a popular holiday destination where someone you know could be visiting or someone on MN could potentially be? 👀

Visit a solicitor and see if this is desertion and start a divorce you have children he's run off etc. then change the locks.

This was my first thought too. When I worked in offshore finance many years ago, some clients would tell you all about their wives and families in the country they resided and simultaneously making "suspicious" regular wire transfers to a female name in another country. They definitely had OW or second families.

Can people stop telling the OP (or OP’s on any thread for that matter) to change the locks.

The OP is married to this man. Regardless of what kind of bastard he is, the house is the marital home, and changing the locks is illegal.

I’m sorry but it needed saying, this has been going on for a couple of years. And youre still “plotting your exit” . Which I’m not even sure you are. Clearly he is though,

your husband goes for weeks on end. Him and his family have blocked you, and your view is he’s behaving “oddly”?

and what , every time he does this, you just let him come back and then carry on as normal?

it’s so sad you let yourself be treated so badly and hang around waiting for some more.

I’m wondering why he has had the whole summer off but hasn’t thought to take your children with him. That would be reasonable. Why have his family blocked you? What has he told them? Do you think at some point he’ll go and not come back? You say you have a disabled dc why isn’t he supporting you? Have you looked on entitled to. Gingerbread for single parent support. And contact a solicitor. Yes government pension will be online but there should be paperwork relating to it somewhere.

tough, he could friggen get the police and courts involved and I’d explain he fucked off and blocked me so I changed the locks.

Are these serious questions?

As a foreigner, the going back home during the summer school hols and at Christmas really doesn’t surprise me. It’s easy to miss your home country and I get he’d want to spend time with his family, regardless of the age of his parents (I’m assuming they are not the only people he sees either right?).

However, living you with dc at home is extremely weird and unacceptable.
The blocking you is even worse!!
As fir refusing to pay for the bill, this is coming close to financially abuse.

Can I ask too? When he goes back at Christmas, does it mean he goes alone and you dint get the spend Christmas together as a family?

no, I am here with the DC over Xmas.

He doesn’t have to get the police or the courts involved. He can legitimately break in.

I get the motivation, I really do. But the OP needs to act above the law or the courts will take a very dim view.