How to politely say no to sex with girlfriend

[nameForThis99]

So I’m sure I’m going to get flamed for this but here goes- I really need a female perspective on this .
Im a 55 year old man and a dating a 52 year old woman - who has come out of a long and mostly sexless marriage , slightly long distance, so we probably see each other every other week and maybe once during the week,
my partner would like sex every time we meet ( I know most men would jump at this ), but sometimes I’m tired or stressed or not really in the mood ( plus I’m older , so sometimes things don’t work how they used to )

if I mention this my partner she can say things like I don’t love her or I don’t fancy her anymore ( neither of which are true) , she almost uses us having sex as a measure of how strong the relationship is.

im not really sure what I’m asking for, maybe some advice on how to say “thanks but no thanks “.

(lots of Drs & PSA tests & DRE exams), have taken their toll on me mentally and physically & emotionally somewhat & I’m bit nervous about “performing “ at the moment, so probably was not in the right head space TBH , now on meds for BPE

@JIMMI85 He doesn't have prostate cancer. What he's described are blood tests, an examination, and now some drugs for an enlarged prostate (BPE is benign prostate enlargement.)

This is so common in men over 50 (nearly all men end up with this) and obviously a huge relief he doesn't have cancer.

Firstly, the term girlfriend in your 50s sounds a bit crass. Wouldnt partner be better

Don't be silly.

My mistake, even so, some (over 50%) of drugs to treat BPE are known to cause ED, or at least have an effect on sexual performance.

OP - but please do not write off this relationship without talking to her about this.

Honestly - she managed without sex all that time. If this was about a high sex drive and she isn't prepared to have less sex, then she wouldn't have had such a long fallow period.

Talk to her. Let her know how you feel - as re-assurance of course - but also about your own vulnerabilities. confidence in the aftermath of your health scares and investigations. Ask her if she needs sex - or validation of her attractiveness. Tell her that pressure adds to the current pressures you feel around performance after your health issues.

I don't see this as a relationship-ending issue at all. Unless you fail to TALK about it with her. As honestly as you have spoken to us lot - strangers.

I get the feeling neither of them is that invested in the relationship anyway.

Using 45 mins drive away (to me) seems a bit of an excuse not to meet more often. By slightly long distance I assumed a journey of at least 2 hours (compared to opposite ends of the country.)

My long term partner has BPE @nameForThis99 and he's much older than you (and me ). He's had blood tests and all the investigations. Takes meds.
No effect on his performance.

You need to get past this somehow and decide if it's all emotional or your meds are affecting the ED.

If you are a woman, you can clearly see that I want this man to respect that woman and give her a solid relationship or leave her alone and stop treating a very casual relationship like partnership because is not equal. He gets company but she wants more, not only sex but perhaps a fully formed relationship.

Oh Ok Sorry i misunderstood what you meant and yes i am a woman. But there is a hell of a lot of misogyny around this issue AND agesim too Funny how this poster isnt being called demanding. But then she is younger.
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5139737-how-to-make-my-husband-fancy-me-again?reply=137471616 And before anyone starts perhaps if this posters DH was the one posting he might paint her as demanding too

You really need to get a handle on your misandry, LaraTHOT. See the MN Talk Guidelines: "Sweeping negative generalisations about any group... won’t be tolerated."

Women have right to have sex in marriage and solid partnership and to feel fancied. She lived in sexless marriage. She must have developed so much insecurity due to false reasons, not of her own. She wants the sex because she enjoys it and because she is right, this is what two adults do. It has always been this way between man and a woman. The man who made the thread should think what he wants and that he is de facto using the woman lying to her he can offer more.

@MilkyCappuchino People have a right to say no and have autonomy over their own bodies. Its the double standards and ageism im objecting to

It's all about balance.

In a long term live-in relationship, it's perfectly normal to be tired, unwell, not be in the mood.

But depending on how often the OP doesn't feel like sex, this could be a very different situation.

If, for 50% of their meetings, he's not wanting sex, it's dwindling to once or twice a month at most.

Even without the previous sexless marriage, (and that's a bit of red herring although it can leave an emotional scar) not wanting sex that often in your mid 50s with a newish partner isn't going to suit many people.

Mismatched libidos. Neither is wrong, they're just different.

Oh stop arguing the two of you :)

Women have right to have sex in marriage and solid partnership and to feel fancied.

No one ever has the right to sex, not in any relationship. There maybe a fair expectation, but it can never be a right, because it is always trumped by the right to say no.

Totally agree. Sex is a normal expectation in a happy relationship

Nobody has the right to sex, ever. If people are sexually dissatisfied, though, and discussion doesn't resolve one way or another, people are not wrong either to move on from the relationship.

I completely agree.

ok then, Jennifer, are you a man. Let's take it to another direction. Oh no, I will smile and laugh here

No im a woman Feel free to AS me Im not stopping you. Not many men take HRT and the mini pill

@QueenOfTheNihilist

"Honestly - she managed without sex all that time. If this was about a high sex drive and she isn't prepared to have less sex, then she wouldn't have had such a long fallow period. "

That is an utterly ridiculous thing to say.
Are you suggesting because I lived on smash and grated cheese and spend my money on tequila when I was a student for many years I would be content to eat like that forever?
Or maybe I'd be sick to death of smash and wonder why on earth I lived on it for so long and never dream of going back to eating like that....
I hope you can work out that just because people put up with things (especially in a long marriage where they are likely raising children and are financially Co-dependent) they may not feel the same when they are finally free and can make different choices?

@mouseyowl I also thought that was a ridiculous comment but couldnt articulate it, Cant concentrate very well at the moment flat is too hot Youve articulated well what i wanted to say

There are things you can do to combat tiredness and feeling stressed that would probably benefit you long term so do them, not for her but for you.

There's some really spot on advice on this thread if the op can separate the wheat from the chaff.

It does seem because he's decided he's content with his lowered/lowering libido he think his now partner should be content with that, without discussing it with her, because she is actually bothered.
I don't think she's pressuring or pestering him, just would like a 'normal' sex life for a couple who are fairly newly together.

A mis-match in sexual appetites is often going to be an issue, no way around it but to have open and honest conversations about whether you should continue dating.
It does seem to come across to me that you don't seem that into her op?

She's not really making different choices though is she?

She knows that she doesn't get as much sex as she wants/need and she's choosing to stay in the relationship which to her feels like it's headed the same way as her previous one and is no doubt stirring up all sorts of emotions similar to her previous one.

She could have made different choices earlier. She could have sought sex / relationships that included sex in the gap between her marriage ending and this relationship. If sexual fulfilment to a higher degree than either in her marriage or the current relationship was a priority for her.

Hmm Interesting, Cos the advice on here is usually to spend a bit of time on your own first so maybe thats what she was doing,

Seems like shes just going to be constantly painted as being in the wrong.