How to politely say no to sex with girlfriend

[nameForThis99]

So I’m sure I’m going to get flamed for this but here goes- I really need a female perspective on this .
Im a 55 year old man and a dating a 52 year old woman - who has come out of a long and mostly sexless marriage , slightly long distance, so we probably see each other every other week and maybe once during the week,
my partner would like sex every time we meet ( I know most men would jump at this ), but sometimes I’m tired or stressed or not really in the mood ( plus I’m older , so sometimes things don’t work how they used to )

if I mention this my partner she can say things like I don’t love her or I don’t fancy her anymore ( neither of which are true) , she almost uses us having sex as a measure of how strong the relationship is.

im not really sure what I’m asking for, maybe some advice on how to say “thanks but no thanks “.

Wow. Just no

Can you even imagine saying that to a woman who didn’t want sex as much as their partner.

It’s her responsibility to find someone who has the same sex drive as her.

Yes it’s mismatched libido. For me if I were ever to embark on relationships again low libido would be a good thing. My libido is pretty much non existent nowadays (probably after years with high sex drive ex). The idea that someone is happy to just be with me without groping and mauling and sulking sounds like heaven. So it’s horses for courses.

(The groping etc being my ex, not aiming that at OP’s partner).

You think the term girlfriend for someone in their 50s is crass, but then went on to post what you posted? 😂

Fucking hell!! 😱 What an appalling post!

OP please ignore this, frankly, ignorant and disgusting response from this absolute arse hole!

Hi OP. I'm 53 and in a long distance type of relationship with a man in his 60s. I don't see him that often but the time I spend with him sex and intimacy is a big part of the time we spend together. I was in a relationship which was dead in the water sex wise for most of my life. My ex wouldn't open up and discuss things. He ended up having an affair and it took a massive blow to my self esteem. What I love about the time I spend with my current partner is the fact he kisses me on the top of my head and holds me for the longest time.

Its obviously up to you how you want to proceed but if you want to keep seeing her I would urge you to be honest with her. That is true intimacy and it will naturally make things easier if you are heard by her. The alternative is to end it which may make you happier in the long term.

Men are also fed this message, which means it's even more difficult to get them to actually open up about the realities of their sex drive if it isn't like this, as they feel there's something wrong with them if they're not perpetually up for it (and potentially like less of a man to admit that to their girlfriend).

I would have hoped that by the time anyone reached the big age of their 50s they'd have seen through the societal bullshit enough not to pressure or coerce their partner though.

It'll be massive disappointment on her side. After coming out of a sexless marriage, she'll have been looking forward to an early days relationship where sex is everything. As pp have said, she'll already be sensitive to rejection and to the prospect of another sexless relationship. And 55 isn't that old to be only having sex once or twice a week with a new partner.

If this is going to be the pattern, you might want to end it now, so she can find someone more compatible.

Look, have a honest conversation.
I'm 45, no kids, loathed sex since teenage years.
Married a very decent man three decades older, twenty years ago.
Stopped having sex about 4 years ago and couldn't be happier.
Just talk, we are humans.

Feeling pressured for sex is always a turn off. She needs to think about the effect of her expectations.

Have a discussion. She is probably hooked into the societal stereotype.

Have the discussion well away from the situation in question. Bring it up on a walk or cup of tea. Say you have noticed that it is an issue for her, tell her how you feel (not just reassuring her about how attractive you find her / love her, but about how her pressure makes you feel. Her impact on you). Ask her if it is sexual desire and need on her part, or affirmation of your feelings that she craves.

Talk, listen.

I think the best thing to do is end it

If she has come out of a sexless relationship, entering a new relationship with a man who has a low sex drive and/or potential ed....will be pretty soul destroying. And obviously if he doesn't want to have sex then that's his right. It's just a total mis match.

There is no magic phrase here that is going to solve this. It doesnt exist.

What you need to do is sit down and have an honest conversation about how you both feel. If you cannot find a compromise then you need to break up. Neither of you are being unreasonable here- mismatched libidos can cause massive issues in relationships.

Talk to her. It sounds from the outside that you are generally incompatible unfortunately. She isnt unreasonable for wanting more sex and you arent unreasonable for not wanting it so much. Its annoying, but you just sound mismatched in that regard.

If the only issue is you're not 'up' for it so to speak, would you be happy to have intimate cuddles using your hand mouth or toys on her? That's what I would do if I didn't want to be penetrated but my partner was very turned on and desiring me.

Mismatched libido. It's not unusual for sex to decline over a relationship, but at the start, if one of you wants it and the other doesn't, every time, it sounds like a mismatch, especially if you only see each other once a week.

It's not unusual in your 50s. I've been doing OLD for the last couple of years. Some men are up for it all the time, but others aren't, or can't sustain an erection or whatever there's a fair bit of ED around in men in their 50s, sometimes down to medication they're on, or because they probably have some health issues they haven't seen the GP about, and sometimes it's just nerves.

I was seeing one guy who assured me he had a higher than average sex drive, (not sure he has, based on the evidence,) but sometimes he'd come round, say he was feeling down because of something or other, and ask just to cuddle, and I was fine with that.

There are plenty of women in their 50s with lower libido. Talk to your girlfriend- if she's not happy with less, then you both need to find someone with a more compatible libido. It happens. She is unreasonable to pester you for it, but that's also something you should be able to talk about, to say you're not comfortable with it - if you can't, you shouldn't be in that relationship. Good luck.

slightly long distance, so we probably see each other every other week and maybe once during the week,
my partner would like sex every time we meet

There is a lot you aren't sharing with us @nameForThis99 .
How long have you been dating?
That makes a big difference to this .

Was sex more full-on at the start and has it dwindled?

Apart from the sex, do you enjoy seeing each other?
Is it serious- ie 'going somewhere' in the long term?
Or are you just Friends with/without Benefits?

And you've mentioned her sexless marriage. What about you?
How was sex in your previous relationships? Was it an issue then?

Seeing each other only occasionally (did you mean every other weekend and once during the week?)) and sex is off the menu (you're tired or not in the mood) means you're not having sex very often.

This is different to living with someone where you have sex maybe two or three times a week or even just once.

Being serious, you might need to look at your health. Having ED and being tired at 55 is a bit of a red flag. Either you need to up your exercise and get fitter, and maybe see your GP for a chat about what's going on. ED can be an early sign of furred up arteries.

Being serious, you might need to look at your health. Having ED and being tired at 55 is a bit of a red flag. Either you need to up your exercise and get fitter, and maybe see your GP for a chat about what's going on. ED can be an early sign of furred up arteries.
This.

But if you just dont want it, you need to tell her you have no sex drive and like it that way. Then she has a choice and a chance to leave and not feel, yet again, like it is her fault.

She isn't asking a lot wanting sex in a new-ish relationship once or twice a week. Equally it's fine that you have a lower sex drive. An honest discussion is needed as to whether this is a deal breaker for one or both of you.

Just be honest, it sounds like you may both just not be compatible at the moment in what you both want.

Thank you all for the comments- to try and clarify a few things

her marriage was 10+ years, the last 6 or so was pretty much sexless, divorced about 4 years ago & im the 1st real longer term partner- so around 10 years of not much sex.

I had a regular partner until about 3.5 years ago when she moved abroad ( back home for her ) & regular sex

we have been together around 14 months now,

we are about 45 mins apart (1.5 hrs round trip) so weekday nights are a bit tricky, yes every other weekend ( due to her work & schedule) so time together is precious ,

lots of intimacy when together ( touching, kissing, hand holding etc)

As for the sometimes ED, I used to be quite fit ( running, cycling), but have had a prostate cancer scare this year ( lots of Drs & PSA tests & DRE exams), have taken their toll on me mentally and physically & emotionally somewhat & I’m bit nervous about “performing “ at the moment, so probably was not in the right head space TBH , now on meds for BPE

She is also on HRT ( I feelt the patch on our 1 st night together & thought it was a massive plaster), sex was good at the beginning

longer term I think we could have a future together, we have similar interests, backgrounds, both financially independent, I out earn her a bit - but not much,

but can see the general consensus is that I’m probably not going to be “enough “ for her ☹️

Where the word partner comes in the western world and what does it mean for people who do not live together and do not struggle life together financially, emotionally, health-wise. You were right to call her just a girlfriend, despite what some women said.

Or better just a very very casual friend who wants sex from you.

Are you always treat her that way and never propose to her and make it real

have taken their toll on me mentally and physically & emotionally somewhat & I’m bit nervous about “performing “ at the moment, so probably was not in the right head space

Have you actually told her this?

I'm surprised that you consider 45 mins apart sort of 'long distance'. It can take that time to get across our small town during the rush hour. I assumed you meant a couple of hours away.

You sound quite emotionally fragile in some ways. Many men have the examinations you've had and many men take drugs for enlarged prostate. Maybe if it's affected you so much it's worth thinking about some kind of sex therapy/ counselling?

To me, the way you've described things sounds a bit 'lukewarm'. After 14 months, living just 45 mins apart, many older couples would be spending a couple of nights a week sleeping over at the other's home (if that fits with work.)
Meeting once a fortnight and sex not being on the menu sometimes sounds unsatisfactory.

To be honest, I don't like the way this has played out as the woman being 'demanding' because the reality is that you've lost your confidence after having had tests on your prostate (which, thankfully, is okay) and your libido sounds quite low.

Is this going to improve if you end this and seek someone else as a girlfriend?
Or would it be better to do some kind of talking with a professional to get through what's going on in your head?

I think your first priority needs to sort out your ED. ED seldom gets better on its own and generally speaking only gets worse. Most woman you will date at your age will still be wanting an active sex life, and I fear if you don't nip this in the bud now things might go downhill very quickly.

Can you go into more detail about your prostate cancer scare? I only ask this as the vast majority of men that have had treatment for Prostate Cancer come out the other end with ED, it's the most common cause although obviously being overweight, eating unhealthily, smoking and drinking all play a part as well.

Do you substitute sex for masturbation? You say you are nervous about performing, that is understandable, but can you perform when you are on your own?

Do you fancy your partner? Do you wish you could have more sex without the anxiety or are you quite content with how things are, minus her insecurities?

Have you seen your GP/Urologist about your ED? ED can also be an early indication of more serious illnesses such as heart disease so please get yourself checked out.

You clearly have mismatched sex drives AT THE MOMENT, but if you want to have a fulfilling relationship it will take both of you to work hard and navigate around this issue. YOU need to further investigate the ED, SHE needs to be understanding and compassionate, and take PIV out of the equation until you feel more comfortable, as this extra pressure on you isn't helping you one bit.

I had severe ED at 33, it broke up relationships and I was made to feel like shit. Being so young, ( and healthy ) I had no desire to stay celibate for the rest of my life so I saw countless urologists and andrologists, from all over the UK until i found a solution. My ED is now cured, with the knowledge i will never ever have to endure it again and feel soooo much happier now.

Well if its so casual then surely it would be ok if she had sex elsewhere no?

Ah but i bet you didnt mean that did you? 🤔
cos i bet its ok for the man to treat it as casual but not for the woman to do the same