How to politely say no to sex with girlfriend

[nameForThis99]

So I’m sure I’m going to get flamed for this but here goes- I really need a female perspective on this .
Im a 55 year old man and a dating a 52 year old woman - who has come out of a long and mostly sexless marriage , slightly long distance, so we probably see each other every other week and maybe once during the week,
my partner would like sex every time we meet ( I know most men would jump at this ), but sometimes I’m tired or stressed or not really in the mood ( plus I’m older , so sometimes things don’t work how they used to )

if I mention this my partner she can say things like I don’t love her or I don’t fancy her anymore ( neither of which are true) , she almost uses us having sex as a measure of how strong the relationship is.

im not really sure what I’m asking for, maybe some advice on how to say “thanks but no thanks “.

You are incompatible...

Why should he show non-sexual affection when she’s using emotional abuse to force him in to fucking her???

Do you happily give your body up when a man hugs you and you don’t want it?

Probably not as she'll want more.

The question should be, does she?

You aren't compatible in the bedroom. That's alright. She's come out of a marriage that probably made her feel rejected and wants to get back on the horse. You have a lower drive and are having performance issues sometimes (that you probably should see a doctor for tbh, you're a bit young for ED). It's not going to work long term. It's going to turn into a massive issue and you'll end up splitting up anyway.

I’d just say no I’m tired or stressed or not feeling like it or let’s just cuddle and sleep. Basically whatever you’re feeling.
If she doesn’t like it she’s free to end it. Her back story isn’t your problem.
If you feel like you’re being pressured or not comfortable, just end it.

No need to overthink this one.

Im not saying this is you OP but there are some blokes who, on finding out that a womans previous relationship or marriage was sexless do think "well she put up with it once so she might again" in fact there was a thread about this on here last year,

It is more than just sex. Is there intimacy because you can have intimacy without sex. Do you just cuddle sometimes (while watching a film or whatever) Or just brush her hand while you walk past her chair

Or do you not touch her at all because if its this then thats why she might be worried.

So if she goes up to him and cuddles him he wont assume that she wants more?

Just tell her the truth. It might be you just aren’t compatible that way and need to accept it won’t work.

It is difficult when there’s a difference in sex drive, do you only do it if you initiate or can she initiate too? It can be quite rejecting if you’re only having sex when you initiate and saying I’m tired, not in the mood etc if she wants to.

Aldo you tend to find if a woman has low sex drive she gets told to see if she needs HRT etc. I think the same should apply and perhaps you need to get your testosterone level checked.

See if you can both find a compromise.

Yep Good old double standards

In terms of double standards, I think it's worth bearing in mind that women are constantly fed the idea by society and the media that all men want sex all the time. Therefore the rejection can feel incredibly personal

No means no. She shouldn’t pester you for sex but at the same time you need to explain that you don’t think you’re sexually compatible. Your sex drives are mismatched. Be honest to avoid disappointing both of your expectations when it comes to frequency of intimacy.

This.

Her behaviour is coercive.

The fact that feel like you have to be “polite” when “No thank you” is appropriate, is concerning.

Her self esteem is an inside job. It sounds rather like she’s not ready for a new relationship, as she doesn’t feel good within herself first.

Completely unnecessary.

I’d agree with this. Life’s too short and there are plenty of other women who would understand and respect your feelings and wishes. If she can’t, she’s not worth wasting your time on

I can't believe what I've read here.
Are you serious?

A woman is being abusive because she's in a new relationship and would actually like sex?

In the early days of a relationship, even for couples in their 50s, it's normal to be jumping on each other or at least wanting sex when you only meet up every fortnight.

If it's not happening it isn't going to get any better.

This is totally different to being in an established relationship where things have settled down and sex isn't so intense, or someone's not in the mood.
That's absolutely normal.
But when you're seeing someone fortnightly and not in the mood or tired, is that fair?

@nameForThis99 You need to end it to be kind to her, and you also need to see your GP.

If you only see her every now and then, and you're often not in the mood or have an ED issue, how do you think that makes her feel?

I like this response. 👌

It’s not all or nothing though, is it?

She hasn't learned anything from her previous sexless marriage.

if I mention this my partner she can say things like I don’t love her or I don’t fancy her anymore ( neither of which are true) ,

Great way to create a dead bedroom.

Also even the fact that her she came out of a sexless relationship and then into one where she feels similar feelings like she did before shows that she hasn't learned, healed or grown. I can't see this relationship working.

Hopefully she will end it and put you both out of your misery.

She shouldn't be pressuring you if you don't want it. Tell her the truth.

It sounds like you want and hope for different things out of things side of a relationship and one or both of you will end up unhappy if you stay in this relationship.

I never ever pressured DH I asked him once if he thought we would have sex again and he said "i dont know" That was around 2003 We havent touched at all since 1996 I have NEVER behaved the way YOU have assumed the OPS girlfriend did during her marriage and you dont know that SHE did either. In my case its been 28 years and i didnt pressure at all I just accepted it. What i didnt and dont accept though is a virtual chastity belt.

Also, are you worried about not being able to rise to the occasion or are you just not that interested?
If it's the former you can get little blue pills from your GP or Boots.😜
If it's the latter be honest with her.
I can understand how she feels if she has already had years of feeling undesirable.
But you must be true to yourself as well as her.
Good luck

Yup, baffles me when couples try to overcome simple but obvious incompatibilities, normally unhappily living a life if comprises.

There are literally millions of eligible partners out there. Whilst none will be perfect, if the one you’re with isn’t ticking enough boxes vs being happily single… just haul anchor and move on. No need to get bogged down.

Relax Jennifer.
I didn't say that she caused the last one. I said she didn't learn anything from it. What she's doing now and her approach to it can cause sexless relationships.

Yes we know, you have an affair partner which you discuss on all of these threads, but you always refuse to say why you won't just end your marriage and be with the affair partner.

If she's been in a sexless marriage it could have been for a variety of reasons, however she has probably just discovered her sexual side again and is looking forward to exploring. Women's sex drives in their 40s/50s can be quite high, particularly following divorce. If this isn't for you at the moment that is also fine and maybe you both have to agree you aren't sexually compatible atm and find other partners. As a lot of men would jump at the chance of regular sex she is probably wondering why you're not and thinking it's something to do with not being attracted to her. Some men can get nervous around sexually confident women and they feel they won't "live up" to expectations. I just think you both aren't compatible in that department. I'm sure there are lots of women who would be happy with the amount of sex you would like and be more sympathetic to ED. I suggest you move on.