How to politely say no to sex with girlfriend

[nameForThis99]

So I’m sure I’m going to get flamed for this but here goes- I really need a female perspective on this .
Im a 55 year old man and a dating a 52 year old woman - who has come out of a long and mostly sexless marriage , slightly long distance, so we probably see each other every other week and maybe once during the week,
my partner would like sex every time we meet ( I know most men would jump at this ), but sometimes I’m tired or stressed or not really in the mood ( plus I’m older , so sometimes things don’t work how they used to )

if I mention this my partner she can say things like I don’t love her or I don’t fancy her anymore ( neither of which are true) , she almost uses us having sex as a measure of how strong the relationship is.

im not really sure what I’m asking for, maybe some advice on how to say “thanks but no thanks “.

There is also the freedom of the risk of pregnancy being reduced. As younger women we were always told "no contraception is 100%" Menopause certainly is though.

Helpful

Errrr, OK then

Mismatched sex drives, if you only see each other once a week or less, she’s not rapist to hope that you’ll have sex.

@Eatouttohelpout

Not helpful. OP isn't there just for the sex and has said so.

@LaraThot Was thinking the same!

Constantly coercing someone into having sex with emotional abuse is rape by the way.

Honestly, male violence against women is so high, but when men speak about their problems they don’t get support they get ‘hug her more, stroke her hair’.

The men that want help just get women telling them to put up and shut up. We actually can’t keep doing this.

We have to solve this issue. If we are part of the problem then how can we expect a solution?

Well then the OP needs to have a very open and honest conversation with her about the apparently mismatched sex drives and how this is making them both feel, so they can decide if the current mismatch in frequency vs desire is sustainable for both of them.

I don’t think anyone has said put up and shut up, what they’ve said is try and find a balance / solution or perhaps your sex drives just aren’t compatible and you need to both have a conversation about that.

Thats the same advice I would give to a woman in this situation.

Absolutely no one should feel they have to have sex, however you do need to be mature enough to consider if you are matched or not. Otherwise presumably the onus is on the other to “put up and shut up” feeling completely unfulfilled.

No the op needs people to be on their side.

if a man was coercively forcing me to have sex by using emotive language and saying he felt so ugly unless I fucked him you’d be screaming rape.

Just because a woman does it does not make it any different.

If it happened to you you would expect support. So why is it suddenly oh talk to her when it’s a woman doing it?

Has he said anywhere that she is pressuring him? It’s more disappointment when she sees her partner every other week. I don’t think she is being unreasonable. Maybe she needs to find somebody with a more aligned libido

I think a huge issue is the fact that women are constantly told that all men want sex constantly.....there is actually never any discussion within society/media that actually men are like women, more complicated than that. However, as women are fed this message, when they meet a man who isn't totally rampant, she assumes she must be a truly hideous specimen as afteral men have a one track mind don't they?

Can see both sides here and but really - you are not compatable.

Wow!! She’s abusing him because she isn’t getting enough sex and us voicing her disappointment?!!!!!!!!

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5140838-how-to-say-no-to-sex-with-boyfriend?utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=share

People are so quick to use the word abuse these days! It’s so far off the mark in this case it’s ridiculous

You’re very crude. Most people use the word sex or making love. Who is saying that she us bring coercive for wanting sex? God!

You're not compatible OP. Time to move on.

Just like my answer on the oh so clever thread with the genders swapped, sulking about sex is deeply, deeply unattractive and there's no need to be polite to someone pulling that kind of bullshit. "Well I'm not attracted to you at all when you're pouting like a child over not getting laid, honestly."

Lots of these threads about at the moment.

As I said on another one 'Stop trying to coerce me'.

And if they don't stop, leave.

"Not everything is about you....I am allowed to not want sex for my own reasons. But having said that, do you understand what a huge turnoff it is having you whining like a kid and making it all about you is when I say no to sex?"

I don’t think that was what this poster was suggesting.

Jesus Christ.

Speaking from personal experience of having a sex less marriage forced on me for 12 years, alongside alcoholism, I can say with certainty that it makes you extremely sensitive to perceived rejection. Have you had an honest conversation about this op?
Do you think the needles got stuck a bit?

I think you're on the lower spectrum of libido, sex can be a destressor for some people. You should tell her you're too tired sometimes and accept shr might break up with you. Neither of you is unreasonable. I don't think average 50 something has your libido. You need a woman who wants less sex.