How to politely say no to sex with girlfriend

[nameForThis99]

So I’m sure I’m going to get flamed for this but here goes- I really need a female perspective on this .
Im a 55 year old man and a dating a 52 year old woman - who has come out of a long and mostly sexless marriage , slightly long distance, so we probably see each other every other week and maybe once during the week,
my partner would like sex every time we meet ( I know most men would jump at this ), but sometimes I’m tired or stressed or not really in the mood ( plus I’m older , so sometimes things don’t work how they used to )

if I mention this my partner she can say things like I don’t love her or I don’t fancy her anymore ( neither of which are true) , she almost uses us having sex as a measure of how strong the relationship is.

im not really sure what I’m asking for, maybe some advice on how to say “thanks but no thanks “.

The truth

Or get rid of her if she is constantly badgering/emotionally manipulating after you've said you don't want to

Tell her what you’ve said here. Accept that if she’s come out of a sexless marriage she might prefer a man with a higher sex drive than yours.

You need to tell her in the nicest possible way how this is making you feel. She’s sounds very insecure but she needs to take account of your feelings too.

You might just not be compatible in terms of sex drive, that's fine but I would lay it out really clearly with her so that neither of you end up hurt/resentful. She's probably dying to embrace her newly discovered sexual side after so long of being celibate, but it's fine that you don't feel the same.

Just tell the absolute truth and make a point of reassuring her how attractive you find her. That will be her main fear; that she's not attractive enough to you.

Honestly I’d get rid. She’s not respecting your boundaries and using emotional manipulation to get you to have sex. That is abuse whether or not the abuser is male or female.

It is not up to op to use his body to make his partner feel attractive, that’s on her. She needs to work on her self esteem.

Don't you know the rules? Women can say no whenever they like but men can never say no as it causes huge offence.

Turn the tables on this in your mind. If you were pestering her for sex everyone would say LTB. It's exactly the same. You shouldn't be pressurised into anything. If you're not in the mood, you are not in the mood.

You don't live together ....is she asking too much , like sex every second week or you prefer just to have company...may be think what do you want from her, why her sex intentions make you feel uncomfortable, and why is it a problem to talk openly about it....not much advice.....you are a mature man, you can do what you like out of this really. Do not marry her ....she does not need another one of those :)

OFFS this is NOT 'abuse' labelling it as such minimises genuine abuse and just makes it yet another word out of context .

What it is - is unreasonable. However if someone has been in a long sexless marriage that was not their choice - sex gets mixed up with desire and self worth. 2/5/10 years with a partner who won't have sex with you just nails home that you are unattractive and undesirable. So signs of this happening again have had her on high alert and 'reinforcing' her belief that she is not enough..

It's not easy . However you have been thoughtful enough to post here for a female perspective, which makes you someone who is kind and not jumping to conclusions..

Which means you are extremely capable of expressing yourself to her in a way that can be received favourably.

If nothing else .. show her this thread ..

We don’t know for sure just how sexless her marriage was. If she gets her self esteem through sex maybe she was quite demanding in her marriage. I’m not saying that is factually the case but it’s different perspectives.

nextdoorconundrum

What it is - is unreasonable. However if someone has been in a long sexless marriage that was not their choice - sex gets mixed up with desire and self worth. 2/5/10 years with a partner who won't have sex with you just nails home that you are unattractive and undesirable. So signs of this happening again have had her on high alert and 'reinforcing' her belief that she is not enough“

All perfectly reasonable but hardly OP’s fault or frankly issue to resolve.

You need a honest discussion, OP. Tell her exactly how you feel about her but point out that, to you, her company is sometimes all you need/want. Relationships should be about give and take and you’ve as much right to express your needs as your partner does. We’re 65 and 60, together for over 35 years. As nuts about each other now as we ever were but sometimes a quiet evening with a rubbish film and our feet up and a cuddle is all that’s needed.

Firstly, the term girlfriend in your 50s sounds a bit crass. Wouldnt partner be better? Secondly as you rightly say most men would be like a dog with two dicks being offered this chance so unless you get your plumbing sorted and start giving her what she wants she will have no trouble at all finding a man who is only too happy to oblige.

Eatouttohelpout · Today 19:14
Firstly, the term girlfriend in your 50s sounds a bit crass. Wouldnt partner be better? Secondly as you rightly say most men would be like a dog with two dicks being offered this chance so unless you get your plumbing sorted and start giving her what she wants she will have no trouble at all finding a man who is only too happy to oblige.”

You're an idiot.

Do you cuddle her OP and show non sexual affection?

There are two issues here. The first is that it sounds as if your libidos aren't in synch. This could be a long term problem even if you are able to communicate. If you are suffering from erectile dysfunction, there are other things you can do to please her sexually, and you can consider the little blue pills. But in the end, you might not be sexually compatible.

The second issue is how to communicate your needs. Tell her you find her attractive and you love her, and you desire to have sex or not is nothing to do with that. She needs to respect that - guilting you is not going to help your relationship.

No one should pressure someone else into sex. I’d get rid and find someone else. It doesn’t sound like a healthy relationship.

She’s carrying some insecurity from her sexless marriage. That’s really for her to deal with and nothing you could do would make her feel better about herself.

I would tell her the truth: you are attracted to her but have had a stressful day or whatever.

Putting her past aside, I don't think it's wrong or unusual for someone in a long distance relationship to want to be intimate when they see their partner. I can imagine it must be quite disappointing if you've been waiting to be close to that person.
Equally you are not obliged to feel the same and are not wrong for not wanting to.
I think if it's this problematic early on then it's unlikely to get better. Perhaps best to just accept you have mismatched libidos and expectations.

It's not unreasonable of her to want more sex, nor is it unreasonable of you to want less than she does. It is unreasonable of her to push the issue. I do understand her to an extent. She has come from a relationship that left her feeling undesirable so now sex has become something she measures her self-worth by. Only she can deal with this aspect of it. You can be as kind, loving, etc as you can and if she can't get past the notion that you not wanting to jump her bones every time you see her means that you don't love her/find her attractive/etc then I'm not sure where you future together lies. I'm not sure there is a future.

If it's not too personal a question, although given your question I don't think it is. How often do you have sex/want to have sex with your partner? If it's once a month or less given that you seem to be seeing each other roughly four nights a week (once during the week) and every other weekend - I assume you meant that rather than every other week - it's not a lot for what I'm assuming is a relatively new relationship.

I can see this from both sides.
I left a long term relationship (not married) as my partner had issues with sex. It was heartbreaking but I had to move on.
It made me feel undervalued and unattractive even though that wasn't the case.

The very last thing I'd have wanted was a man with a low sex drive or ED who didn't want sex especially when we only met every other week or so.

You are only 55, not 75.
TBH you shouldn't 'accept' erectile dysfunction because you are relatively young.

Partly because it can be a sign or serious underlying health issues (heart/ diabetes) but also because you can buy over the counter pills to help the problem. If you really cared for this woman you'd maybe get medical advice (for your own benefit) or pop out and buy Viagra or Cirilus.

It's really not fair to behave like this in a new relationship.
It's fair if now and again you're too knackered for sex, and sex has been good and established, but if there's little sex right from the start, I'd be saying goodbye.

Sorry if this sounds harsh but I think you need to be honest and realistic about how women feel.

Mismatched sex drives. Let her know how you feel & if you can't come to an agreement then its best you split up.

I've been in her position. Waiting 2 or 3 weeks to see your girlfriend only to be told that they're not feeling 100% and would I mind if sex was off the table. Usually I'd suck it up (no pun intended) but the frustration was palpable. I'm 57 & still have a strong sex drive. I'd be up for it 3 or 4 times a week if living with someone so only seeing them every week or two and then being rejected didn't work for me.

Am I going mad or are women allowed to abuse men into fucking them to make themselves feel better when they should be paying for therapy, or are you all also abusive towards people who don’t want to have sex with you?

What am I reading on here?????

If it was men posting you’d be sick to your stomachs. Ashamed of you all.

Ashamed? For asking questions like this? FFS

Do you have plans to change the living situation so you’re nearer? How often would you like to do it?
Are you being intimate in other ways?