Husband and p0rn?

[CuriousOhCurious]

So bear with me on this one as I know we all have different views on the subject.

personally me and my husband agreed for our relationship it was better porn wasn’t involved!

we all have different views on p0rn and how it effect relationships I know some it can strengthen and others it breaks. My husband chose porn over me a long time ago and it shot my confidence and trust but we agreed after that it would no longer be part of our relationship and he was happy to leave it in the past. Over and over again we’ve had issues over it and again and again we said no more and we agree. Whenever he was found out he would lie and lie and lie until he would finally admit it.
I had just started to trust him again after the previous time, it just started to not be a constant worry in my head, then last night I found a lot of videos on Facebook, half naked women, women with their coochies basically on show or their boobs, I’m shot I don’t know what to do. We’ve been together 8 years but only married for 1, I said I would only marry him if there were no more lies and I believed him. We have two kids together, I don’t know how much more I can take. I don’t want to leave him as I love him so fucking much but I can’t keep being lied to, I don’t know what to do. He’s a brilliant dad, we have a whole life together but I’m not sure what to do! He’s the only person I’ve ever been with relationship and sexually wise. Please just someone give me some advice on what to do. I’m only young mid twenties, I don’t want to waste my life on someone who isn’t going to change but I don’t want to just give up everything I have known since 16. Please be kind as I’m falling apart, my mental health is fucked, I just don’t know what is best and I’m scared tbh.

Just to add he isn’t addicted.

First of all I am sorry you are going through this OP and are feeling so down about it. I totally get it, when me and my partner first got together I knew he watched it. After a couple of months I spoke to him about it as quite frankly, I didn't like the fact he was watching other women and getting turned on by them. I don't see it as any difference as going to a strip club!

It sounds like you have obviously had a lot of chats with him about it, how do you know he isn't addicted? I have a friend who says her husband is addicted to it and will hide away watching it although I'm not sure if that's an excuse...

When you have confronted him about it, does he understand and listen? Does he make your feelings feel valid? Has he said why he watches it?

I think if I was you I'd be wanting to know why he was so persistent in watching it if he knows how it makes you feel. Does he feel there is something missing from your intimacy or does he have fantasies that he watches online... these are all things I'd be asking myself. I'd also be looking at if he's putting that before your own intimate life and seeing if you notice any other selfish traits in the relationship.

I hope things get better for you xx

He isn't going to change OP.
He knows how you feel about porn - I take it you have explained to him about how bad it makes you feel - and yet he has repeatedly chosen it over you. You say he isn't addicted but he has shown you it is more important to him than you.

The fact you have forgiven him.so many times means he knows he can continue with his behaviour because he thinks ultimately he can and you will put up with it.

Personally I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone who watches porn. And I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with a liar, as your DH is.

Your choice is do you continue with him knowing the effect it is having on you and your mental health and self esteem. Or do you seperate and rebuild yourself and find happiness. Personally I would chose the latter.

He isn't going to change. And he isn't going to stop lying to you. His promises to not lie and not do it anymore were just more lies.

You can't trust a liar.

@meadowkoa @Bekindtoyourselfandothers its not constant, that’s why I don’t think it’s an addiction but I don’t really know the amount an addiction would be if I’m honest. It’s not always porn like I said it’s shit on Facebook or images. Porn is blocked on our internet it’s like I’m trying to prevent it so he can’t fuck up but I’m realising I shouldnt have to do that if he really gives a shit how It makes me feel?
he’s adamant he hasn’t watched anything but cant give me a reason otherwise why it would be there if he hasn’t, I’m not stupid I know, I looked him in the face this morning and asked him and I could see he was lying, the porn and images are bad but it’s the lying.
it’s hard as a lot of the time if we speak about the past he’s now like I get it it’s gross but it’s bollocks, he just says he thought it was normal to watch it.

Porn is blocked on our internet

Worth bearing in mind that the restrictions on your WiFi won't affect his mobile data.

it’s hard as a lot of the time if we speak about the past he’s now like I get it it’s gross

That's also a lie.

He will say whatever he wants you to believe is the truth.

@GreyCarpet I am scared to admit it because I’m worried I look controlling but it’s all this that’s lead me to it. The internet, his phone etc he can’t access porn websites or anything such on his browsers. He didn’t have Facebook for a while on his phone because I couldn’t trust him. It’s not even been a year of him having it back and I’ve found shit

It sounds like an addiction. That doesn't mean it has to be constant but keeps returning to it even when he doesn't want to. It is a very strong addiction as it's such a base part of human behaviour.

I'd suggest a specialist therapist. It would be incredibly difficult to overcome without help.

Out of the approx 90% men and 60% women that frequently watch it, most would struggle to go any length of time without it - that's without it being an addiction for the majority of them.

He isn't going to change. I imagine he's s been using porn for your whole relationship and lying about it. He likes porn and lies about it because he wants to watch porn, have a wank and not have an argument over it. Personally, I have no issue with my husband using porn or looking at pictures of people. Id have an issue if it was people we know, if he was using family money on it or if he was engaging in conversation via CV chat forums. I also would have an issue if you had one rule and he had another. No one likes a hypercrite.

@2sisters hence why I don’t watch it as how can I say he can’t but I can for this reason, I’m not a fan anyway it doesn’t do anything for me, I would much rather use personal videos which we have, if he wants to watch it then what he has of me obviously isn’t enough.

He is telling you it's normal for men to behave like this because for him it is normal. It's not normal for all men, just normal for men who view women and sex in the same way he does.

The fact he is telling you he regards it as normal really shows he will not change. That is the type of person he is.

And you really are wasting your time and upsetting yourself over something you can't change. I'm afraid your view points just aren't compatible.

I think the lengths you have gone to prevent it speaks volumes. He has still found a way to watch it.

Ask yourself if this was your friend going through it, what would you advise them ?

OP I think you have to accept he is not going to stop watching it. And he will lie to you about it because that will work for a while until you find out again and the cycle repeats.

So you have to accept that he’s an adult who makes his own choices about what he watches. Or leave him and move on. Of course that will be difficult and you will miss him, but you will be OK.

If you choose to do that then make sure all of those videos of you both are deleted first.

💐

I like you're taking it very personally like it's a reflection on how attractive he finds you. I don't see it like that. I think it's just titillation. He wants to use porn. I think you need to decide if him using it is a deal breaker for you. I wouldn't like the lies. Absolutely not. I think he needs to grow up and be honest and tell you that he wants to use porn, that he will be using porn and he won't be ashamed about it. I rekon he isn't doing that because he doesn't want to separate. However, I think the lies are more damaging to a relationship than the porn itself. Has he given reason to distrust him in other areas of his life? Does he cheat or womanise? Oh and dies the porn affect your sex life? I'm wondering what the impact of him using porn is?

He won't stop watching porn. Other than for maybe a short period. I would call it an addiction, at the very least he sees it as normal behaviour.

I feel like because you’re ok with it in your relationship which is your choice and fine you don’t understand as much as someone who also agrees porn is not ok?

if he had an issue with giving it up he should’ve said 8 years ago or before we planned our wedding under the agreement of no more lies. I haven’t got much of a choice, stay in a relationship with no trust or leave him.

I've never heard of the term 'coochie'.

Means Fanny. Vulva, vagina, whatever you call woman bits.

I can't see how you can stay together and resolve this. He basically wants to watch porn, u don't want him.to do that. His secretive use has proved his interest and ur dislike of this has made little difference.

I think he should have been honest. I think that he's probably scared he will lose you if he's honest so instead has lied and continues to lie. I think that makes him a bit of a coward. The lies are actually more damaging that the porn itself.

Are there other reasons you don't trust him?

Set this poor bastard free to wank in peace.

Then you do some work on yourself to figure out why you experience a man being sexually attracted to someone other than you is a rejection of you.

When you fully love yourself and realise your own worth, you will stop attempting to control other people's actions as you will be free of the fear of losing them.

The biggest issue here isn't the porn, It's the lies. So porn aside he has proven to you repeatedly that he lies and covers it up till he has no choice but to admit the truth.

Are you prepared to go through that for the rest of your life? Because he won't change. If not, then you make a plan to leave. Being free of that worry and doubt will be much better than wondering what else he is lying about.

Do you want an opinion from the husbands point of view?

He likes to look at naked women when he's feeling horny. Probably so he can masturbate. Welcome to 99% of all men.

He may love you with all his heart, but unless you are going basically be his own personal porn actress whenever he gets in the mood, then he's going to look at naked ladies on the internet.

So your dilemma is: are you going to spend the rest of your marriage trying and failing to change his biological nature? Or are you going to change your opinion?

I know which is easier.

If you love this guy, you'll get over your hang ups and focus on the good thing you've got going.

If you want to end your marriage to the father of your children over this to find some other man (who will also like to look at naked ladies when he wants to masturbate) then go ahead.

You have to decide if this is something you can live with or not, he's telling you what you want to hear, and then doing what he wants.

I feel for you both, you aren't compatible, and the massive extents you've go to regarding controlling him prove this.

You would both be happier apart.

Yeah it is the lies, I think the porn has just got tied in to it too much. Yes I do find porn an issue, I think you’ll find some women agree some don’t, I think porn is the issue because he’s shot my whole body confidence, self esteem and everything that’s why porn is now an issue.