Husband and p0rn?

[CuriousOhCurious]

So bear with me on this one as I know we all have different views on the subject.

personally me and my husband agreed for our relationship it was better porn wasn’t involved!

we all have different views on p0rn and how it effect relationships I know some it can strengthen and others it breaks. My husband chose porn over me a long time ago and it shot my confidence and trust but we agreed after that it would no longer be part of our relationship and he was happy to leave it in the past. Over and over again we’ve had issues over it and again and again we said no more and we agree. Whenever he was found out he would lie and lie and lie until he would finally admit it.
I had just started to trust him again after the previous time, it just started to not be a constant worry in my head, then last night I found a lot of videos on Facebook, half naked women, women with their coochies basically on show or their boobs, I’m shot I don’t know what to do. We’ve been together 8 years but only married for 1, I said I would only marry him if there were no more lies and I believed him. We have two kids together, I don’t know how much more I can take. I don’t want to leave him as I love him so fucking much but I can’t keep being lied to, I don’t know what to do. He’s a brilliant dad, we have a whole life together but I’m not sure what to do! He’s the only person I’ve ever been with relationship and sexually wise. Please just someone give me some advice on what to do. I’m only young mid twenties, I don’t want to waste my life on someone who isn’t going to change but I don’t want to just give up everything I have known since 16. Please be kind as I’m falling apart, my mental health is fucked, I just don’t know what is best and I’m scared tbh.

Up 25% of women have been pressured into anal sex https://www.medscape.com/viewarticle/979105

It’s sick. We don’t want to do it but we’re made to because porn has normalised it. Yet another form of male control.

In the end it’s just another form of violence and degradation of women. No woman wakes up one day and says “yes I want to work in porn”.

Think about it. All those fantasies you’ve watched played out by women who’d really rather be making money some other way. But sickos paid her so much she sold her soul.

So many female porn stars commit suicide. And yet still I hear it’s normal.

https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-13172607/amp/Porn-deaths-adult-actress-suicide-drugs-eating-disorders.html

Enjoy your next tug, at so many many women’s expense. I hope it’s worth it for the fleeting 5 seconds of pleasure.

Some men like to watch porn, some don't bother with it. Your DH is a porn watcher, the naive part is asking a man who likes watching porn, not to, and if they say OK, it means they won't. In reality it's going to be a case of saying what he knows you want to hear. Whether that is because he can't or won't stop doesn't really change the outcome, which is hiding it and carrying on using it.
The only way to not have a partner who watches porn, is to be with a man who wasn't interested in it to begin with. You can tell these types from the other, as they won't be the ones who are pushing to make home personal wank material either. Making your own personal stuff is more likely to encourage it and normalise it to them. It's odd that you'd encourage it by engaging yourself - can't think of anything worse, there's no way I'd be up for that. That is despite not really caring to know if they do, as long as it doesn't affect their sex life - either by using it as a substitute, or going about it like in porn ( which no woman wants).

I imagine more men and women use private browsing for porn. You wouldn't find it anyways.

OP, is the issue with porn or body image? I'm just wondering how feel about him masturbating thinking of other women? Would you be fine with that?

That’s hugely controlling.

Neither of you should have to live like this.

i Know this. I feel like a cunt for it. He won’t let me go, he doesn’t want me or him to leave. I don’t even know what I want anymore. I know I love him and I care about him so much but I do not know what to do.

He won’t let me go, he doesn’t want me or him to leave.

Er... he doesn't get to control that. If you want to leave, he can't stop you.

It's tough what he wants. It's not all about him and his 'wants' is it?

I believe your pain comes from the realización that you can’t control your husband, so you either accept the fact or you get yourself an AI robot with a remote. If porn is such a deal breaker and a hill to die on why are you not dumping your husband right now? Apparently he’s done something “horrendous” (wank to naked women), something that goes against your core values, so why are you still entertaining him? Unless your pain is not about your partner breaking your core values but more about the realisation you don’t have 100% of control over him.

This won’t be popular, but if you want to give it one last try, I think you should come up with a compromise together. One that allows him access to some porn, but perhaps limits how much or when he looks at it? I don’t know, those details could be discussed between you. But, porn is everywhere, you’re not going to stop him from seeing it. To restrict his internet is treating him like a criminal or a child. It’s wrong.

A compromise would prevent him from needing to lie to you about it. But to police a grown adult’s internet and browsing rights is incredibly controlling - you need to stop this and if I did this to my husband he’d quite rightly start lying to me.

For what it’s worth, my husband looks at porn. I never even think about it.

Porn is not cheating just because it’s getting sexual gratification elsewhere. Masturbation is getting sexual gratification elsewhere. That’s not cheating.

Had the exact same problem , my thoughts and feelings were the same as yours and a very similar situation . Hated husband for it , that was 20- 25 years ago . It’s a lot more complex than a lot of posters with well meaning advice can understand . We both had counselling , married 30 years , survived this but trust in the marriage got a serious knock and the scars and memories are still there . Lots of advice on here so I won’t add to it but if you need to message me I’m here and understand

@Box24L Masturbation is getting sexual gratification elsewhere. That’s not cheating.

Clearly different people different boundaries, it may not be cheating for you (it aint for me either) but it is for her apparently, problem is she hasn't specified what bothers her so much about porn, is it the fact it interferes on their sex life and when she wants to have sex husband is not in the mood cause he's been wanking? Is it because (as a woman) she finds porn degrading? Is it because she views her husband wanking to a woman's image as "cheating"? Is the loss of control over him that really hurts her?

I wish I knew what bothers her so much about porn, maybe it's all the above who knows. I believe specifying what is it EXACTLY that bothers her so much about it would help her discussing it with husband and finding some closure to the problem.

Op many trained csats/apsats support the idea of using apps like truple which have the ability to take screenshots and flag up pornography/inappropriate content. Both partners agree to the use of this. Its an accountability software that builds trust for the betrayed partner. This is used with men who want to give up pornography and re build their relationship. They are fully on board. With the idea that overtime when they have gained sobriety and more trust has been built. What we see is actually longterm they have nothing to hide and if it offers their partner any added safety they are happy to have it for life it's the partners that say nope I dont need it. I feel the safety and honesty in my gut.

Please don't feel bad for putting in place the boundaries that you have. Whilst in a therapy setting we would say it's not your job or responsibility to have to do. It's your husbands. It is however completely normal and understandable. It's what I see every day with betrayed partners. It's a protective mechanism to try and minimise what is a traumatic and painful situation to be.

Society has brainwashed us all in thinking we must accept pornography,that its harmless. That checking someone's phone or Internet usage if we suspect somethings up in the face of lies is a cardinal sin. Yet how on earth is anyone to determine the level and way partners are interacting with pornography? Unlikely to mention at the start of a relationship oh by the way I suscribe to these 5 womens only fans every month hope you're fine with that. Many men we see don't actually realise the escalation of their usage of pornography.

I think a lot of posters particularly women here might think others (monstly men) are using pornography in the same way they might. In a matter of fact, non descript means to and end. Not endless searching scrolling. Not returning to specific porn actors signing up to content on multiple social media. Paying for only fans Watching at every opportunity every bathroom break/ at work. Missing out on family time. Viewing child abuse or bestiality/violence. Effecting their relationship and sexual relationship with their partner. Introducing fantasies that the partner has not agreed on.

Not all obviously but how is anyone going to determine if its a big secret? And ofcourse it's "normal" isn't? All of it normal? What If they sign up to a porn actor who is local maybe they see them at the gym. Or it's a neighbour? It's fine because it's just a screen right?

It's very nuanced.The boundaries need to be spoken about in each relationship. It's fine to decide in a relationship here's where I draw the line do you agree. Are we going to be held to the same expectations? But if that person is lying, they have given up their right to privacy and to then also maintain the same status quo in the relationship. They aren't then equal. I can lie and hide parts of myself which effect you but you must not investigate into my lies no matter how much they impact you? And if you do I'm going to say it's a YOU problem.

We need to give space for partners who say they are not comfortable with porn use in their relationship. Not beat them down with hey porn is normal. Just accept your husband has a secret life from you that may or may not be dangerous/escalating/crossing your boundaries. How dare you invade his privacy? He broke the relationship agreement of honesty. He also has free will to leave the relationship to keep his pornography usage and not be questioned about it. But he wants to have both with no questions asked. But if the op has issue with potentially being one of 5 women he is investing sexual energy on through only fans for example its HER that has a confidence issue? Definitely not him with an integrity issue.

It's all very convenient for a billion pound industry that society works this way. The same way it was convenient to overlook the effects of smoking so more money could be made. And this is all without even mentioning the ethics involved. The changes it makes in the brain the bonding chemicals it releases how easy it is to condition your body.

I agree that the OP needs to pinpoint what exactly for her feels wrong about her OH watching porn (or indeed porn per se), not because she needs to justify her point of view, but so that her OH might gain some understanding and decide what he is prepared to do about it, if anything, and indeed whether he cares about her POV at all.

At the moment he is dismissing her stance and dealing with it by ignoring it and lying about it. Frankly, anything is better than that. It is not the basis of a sound long term relationship.

When asked, men are clear they do not want their dearly-loved daughters involved in porn; but they do seem happy for other men's DDs to be dragged into that for their satisfaction. Can they not wank without it? Do they have no imagination?

He knows the reasons why, he has done since the first time we discussed it 8 years ago. I asked how he would feel if this was his daughter or it was his daughter that other people watched and he wasn’t happy with that idea

He “wasn’t happy with the idea” but (unlike you) he doesn’t really care as his sexual impulse is more important. Basically you and Hubbie have very different values when it comes to this, and clearly he’s “agreeing” with you in order to quiet you then goes off and does his deed. OP: you can’t police this man, he’s going to wank to porn you like it or not, it’s only you who can decide if this is a hill to die on enough to break the family or not, only you can decide that. Everyone here has different views on porn so you will only get sympathy from those who despise it.

he was though. He was happy with the idea for so long until he couldn’t resist when he had the chance. I’ve already said I feel like a cunt , I’ve literally tried to prevent his fuck ups because I don’t want to split from him but I shouldn’t have to.

He doesn’t sound like he was honest, he sounds like he was just trying to tell you what you wanted to hear, make you happy and shut you up. It reminds me a bit when I was a child and my mom told me not to eat sweets because they were bad for my teeth, I would say “yes mum” to make her happy then stop at the shop on my way from school to pick up a bag of gummy bears.

I think PP probably feels sorry for his wife because she's married to a man who hangs around on MN trying to persuade other people's wives to be ok with porn. Which is rather a niche passtime for a bloke to say the least. And thats when he's not hanging round with a group of other weirdos who think chatting about their solo sex lives is as normal as discussing the match. Maybe I'm projecting, and I don't know about you, but I'd not be queuing to marry such man myself.

I don't know what dad would be enthusiastic about thinking of his daughter doing any sex act.

It doesn't sound like the ethical concerns are the issue here, as even the most ethical porn in the world would still be detrimental to OP's self esteem.

Exactly, what about all those couples who upload themselves into pornhub having sex because they're just plain exhibionists? Or the woman who creates an onlyfans account because she's quite an exhibitionist and wants to make $$$? As adults we make "adult decisions" and assuming "exploitation" is infantilizing those grown up women who have made an adult decision. Yes it could be your daughter in that video/image etc... but adult 'daughters' make grown up decisions too, sometimes you might share them and sometimes not. We need to stop infantilising women who make decisions we don't necessarily agree with, the patriarchy has already been doing that for decades.

@5128gap

Spot on

@samanthablues Let’s call Only Fans what it is? Online prostitution. It’s not exhibitionism. Again, trying to normalise it. It’s a paid for sex service.

Most are young girls who have no rationality to deal with the future consequences of their misguided decision.

Do you think all the decisions you made at 18 were good ones? The adult brain doesn’t fully mature until 26/27 years old.

Many young women realise as they get a bit older that only fans was a mistake.

Again, men facilitating a lifetime of mental health issues as young women try to cope with the fact that sexual images of them are freely available everywhere and will be, forever. Is that morally fair or right?

these stories are 10 a penny on the internet

www.businessinsider.com/downsides-and-regrets-of-doing-onlyfans-2023-9?amp

@MightyGoldBear i agree with everything you say. Such good analysis. I hope the OP reflects on what you’ve written.

He wants to have his cake and eat it. Watch porn and have sex with his wife. She’s asking him to choose. And men on here keep pushing the goal posts saying it’s normal to watch porn, just like anal sex is, just like slapping is, just like strangulation is, just like rape fetish is, just like snuff fetish is, just like gang rape is.

How far do men want to destroy us? Our image? Our very being? What is wrong with men that they hate us so much?

Where did you learn to hate women so much? You love only our bodies and how much you can degrade us to get your kicks. We are simply a vehicle for your dick to get off on. And when one woman is spent, damaged forever, there’s always another one willing to take her place, such is the good job you have done to tell us all how boring and vanilla we are for not wanting all of the above.

I don't know what dad would be enthusiastic about thinking of his daughter doing any sex act.
It doesn't sound like the ethical concerns are the issue here, as even the most ethical porn in the world would still be detrimental to OP's self esteem.

Most fathers would be happy for their adult DDs to be having a happy, healthy consensual sex life - why would they not?

Even if the OP's only concern relates to her self-esteem (and it does not look as though this is the whole story), that is an entirely valid concern for HER and her OH is married to HER so it should also matter to him. It is not up to an outsider to tell her this is not valid. She is who she is. She has her own feelings and standards.

Oh boy, I can tell you haven’t been cruising only fans that much!, believe it or not you have women (and men!) of all ages (mainly because only a percentage of men like young girls, plenty like middle aged and plenty other like mature), again: please let’s stop with the infantilización of women who make grown up adult decision that are different from yours.

… And yes, plenty or articles talking about women regretting doing only fans and plenty of other articles talking about women being to afford buying a house or send their kid to university, OF is a little bit like getting a tribal tattoo when you’re 19, you may or may not regret it…