Husband and p0rn?

[CuriousOhCurious]

So bear with me on this one as I know we all have different views on the subject.

personally me and my husband agreed for our relationship it was better porn wasn’t involved!

we all have different views on p0rn and how it effect relationships I know some it can strengthen and others it breaks. My husband chose porn over me a long time ago and it shot my confidence and trust but we agreed after that it would no longer be part of our relationship and he was happy to leave it in the past. Over and over again we’ve had issues over it and again and again we said no more and we agree. Whenever he was found out he would lie and lie and lie until he would finally admit it.
I had just started to trust him again after the previous time, it just started to not be a constant worry in my head, then last night I found a lot of videos on Facebook, half naked women, women with their coochies basically on show or their boobs, I’m shot I don’t know what to do. We’ve been together 8 years but only married for 1, I said I would only marry him if there were no more lies and I believed him. We have two kids together, I don’t know how much more I can take. I don’t want to leave him as I love him so fucking much but I can’t keep being lied to, I don’t know what to do. He’s a brilliant dad, we have a whole life together but I’m not sure what to do! He’s the only person I’ve ever been with relationship and sexually wise. Please just someone give me some advice on what to do. I’m only young mid twenties, I don’t want to waste my life on someone who isn’t going to change but I don’t want to just give up everything I have known since 16. Please be kind as I’m falling apart, my mental health is fucked, I just don’t know what is best and I’m scared tbh.

Theirs is nothing wrong with a job like waitressing or cleaning houses. They won’t require a moral questioning of self, cross any sexual boundaries nor do your images of waitressing/cleaning come back to shame you once you’re older and possibly wiser. I certainly find such jobs more empowering than sex work and I think you’d find a very large majority of women agree with me. Certainly the 90% of Irish prostitutes trying to leave the industry do…

As for the stats on relationship murder of men killing women, that’s a tiny number of deaths of the overall group of people in relationships when you compare to far smaller overall market of porn stars, many of whom seem to reach an untimely end early.

A much higher percentage of deaths occur per person in porn work vs being in a relationship.

Still struggling to understand how you could stretch to the idea that sex work is safer than being in a relationship…

If that’s the case, come on girls, let’s ditch marriage and kids and get online on OF. Said no woman in their right mind. Ever.

Yeah, at least that way you’ll avoid relationship murder.

Never mind that you might die young at 36. It’s soooo much safer, OP!

Here’s the kicker though, whichever way you choose, the men are still in charge.

So maybe best not to choose either ☺️

“I haven’t got much of a choice, stay in a relationship with no trust or leave him.”

yes.
that’s the choice.

and he won’t stop, even though you hate it and are devastated by it. He will prioritise and justify his behaviour because it is what he cares about.

make your choice, OP.

@Blackthorne Certainly the 90% of Irish prostitutes trying to leave the industry do…

I’m pretty sure if they did a survey amongst waitresses and cleaning ladies you would get a 90% wanting to leave the job too, unfortunately we all got bills to pay so not happening.

@Blackthorne Still struggling to understand how you could stretch to the idea that sex work is safer than being in a relationship…

Check the statistics, they’re terrifying.

36? that gives me 11 more years I suppose.

if I’m being honest, I was ready to leave, all of this has pushed me away from him so much, on top of that he is CONSTANTLY working at the minute with it being the summer period, we were tired and snappy and kids.

i believe porn has gotten tied in to it, but it is still something I am not and never have or will be comfortable with. So why does it makes him okay to set boundaries and break them? He maybe should’ve said 8 years, 2 kids and a marriage ago.

but lying? That’s on him. my self confidence and esteem is ruined but I’m trying to get that back on track.

the thoughts of my children and me losing everything, home/car/income, I’m naive enough for him to talk me in to staying again BUT the boundaries have been set between us, this goes for both sides, Not mr married happily for 32 years or miss percentages, we all have our own and I respect everyone else’s so a bit of respect back would be nice.

I have told him, if he hurts me in any way again or break the boundaries WE have set together, I will file for a divorce without even thinking about it and quicker than he can say sorry for the last time which made him cry, I’ve only ever seen him cry once in 8 years.

Here I may go again to waste another year of my life or 10 I don’t know, maybe you will see me post in another 9/10 months or 5 years saying why did you fucktards let me do this!? I honestly don’t know. He is however a brilliant dad to our children regardless and all I have know since 16.

I never ever ever thought I would be in this position. We are both working on ourselves to benefit each other.

He clearly either does have a porn addiction or he doesn't giv a fuck how much he upsets you. Either way I'd not put up with it. He doesn't respect you. If he did he wouldn't do it. What do these women in the photos have that you don't have? I'd bin him off and tell people why too. You've given him so many chances he knows you don't mean it when you say last chance.

No your facts are wrong:

https://deadline.com/2024/07/porn-star-jesse-jane-cause-of-death-1236004161/amp/

https://nypost.com/2024/03/10/us-news/porn-star-sophia-leone-dead-at-26/

https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-13172607/amp/Porn-deaths-adult-actress-suicide-drugs-eating-disorders.html

https://metro.co.uk/2024/02/19/porn-star-kagney-linn-karter-dies-aged-36-20309919/amp/

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/August_Ames

all from this year 2024 and a quick Google search.

There are many more if you’d bother to google, year in, year out. Suicides, overdoses, depression, and many have been abused as children which is how they come to work in this industry, their sense of boundaries around sex already damaged.

Having sex for work requires you to switch off and detach yourself when for a healthy woman this is the last thing you want to do, over and over again.

Emotional detachment creates mental health problems which spiral into depression and beyond.

Sex work is not an emotionally healthy thing for a woman (nor a man) to do. There’s a reason they are getting paid. No one would do this if it weren’t for the money.

@CuriousOhCurious have you been to therapy for porn addiction together.

Often underneath any addiction there’s something more to explore.

Im not going to say appreciating other women’s bodies is wrong. That’s normal. Both sexes do it.

But it’s about self control. Just because we see a supermarket full of food we don’t rush in and stuff our faces and have an orgy of food on the shop floor.

Something else is going on. If possible I would go for counselling to unpick why he’s using it again and unable to stop himself when it hurts you so much.

If he can’t do it for himself at least he could be doing it for you. Establish boundaries around what you level you can tolerate and then hold him to it. At least then you have explored it and done what you could and got clear on expectations. If you find stuff again then you know that’s it.

@Blackthorne we haven’t but I had mentioned it when he stated I “am what he wants and doesn’t want me to leave” he didn’t say anything on the idea though, he is adamant he doesn’t have an addiction and can do without if that’s a boundary but then he also said he has urges but then said he doesn’t get the urges he meant before we were together I just don’t get it. Like if he cannot go without it why is he stringing me along. Just bloody say so I can get on with my life.

These are all individual cases, all of which are very sad and no-one deserves to lose their life so young.

However, They did not necessarily lose their life from being porn actresses alone. People from all walks of life and all professions still die each day by suicide and overdoses.

What about Graham Thorpe, Gary Speed, Amy Winehouse, Kurt Kurbain, and many many more who died unnecessarily young - They weren't in the Porn industry...

What about the thousands of other active porn stars who haven't taken their own lives?

Unfortunately, as you say, most who have perished would have come from broken families, and were likely using even before they started work in the adult industry. Would porn have accelerated the likely hood of them overdosing or feeling suicidal? - Possibly. Was the adult industry solely to blame for their ultimate demise? No.

I'm afraid OP you wont get what you are looking for. Lots of people have said to you that IF he agrees to your boundaries its only because he doesn't want to so No to you. He wont stop looking at porn. It's that simple. You've had the discussion many times & you keep coming back to the same situation.

I really hate to say it but some of it is a you problem. Many people have asked the question & I dont think you've answered it. Why do you think him looking at porn is anyway to do with how you look ? He doesn't look at porn because he doesn't like your body. He looks at porn to turn him on so he can wank. Please please please dont think it's because he doesnt like your body.

PS.

And if you do split up & you find someone else then they will probably watch porn. And if they say they dont they probably do.....they just want you to hear what you want to hear. Sound familiar.

I hope this answers the unanswered question then. Yes he has chosen porn or images of other women over me, it has affected our sex life previously, I would want sex but he wouldn’t because he had already wanked that day to someone else. He asked me to give him photos of me in lingerie so I did and yet he chose to look at images of someone full clothed.

@CuriousOhCurious He asked me to give him photos of me in lingerie so I did and yet he chose to look at images of someone full clothed.

I’m hoping for that day when men become honest and finally come clean and admit that monogamy doesn’t work for them. I really can’t wait. Sorry OP, but your husband belongs to the 85% of men that monogamy doesn’t work for them, he never wanted to admit it because that would mean rocking the marriage boat or you simply not marrying him in the first place had you known. that secret habit of looking at images of women and wanking is the closest he gets to polygamy , an ilusión where he “gets to be with other women” without the “complications”, and you’ll never take than away from him, yes: he simply desires other women, you can get mad at him but he’ll just get better at hiding his hobbie. The fact he sexually fantasises about other women doesn’t mean he doesn’t love or finds you unattractive, not at all, in fact: there’s absolutely nothing wrong with you, I’m pretty sure he loves you a lot and finds you attractive.

Is it still affecting your sex life now? Or are things better, but you're worried it's going back to how it was?

Can you give more detail Op. how does it affect your sex life? When does he watch it? Does he watch it instead of spending time with you?

^
things are only better because he can’t or I thought thst

How old were you when you got together? It sounds like you maybe 16?

I don't think it's realistic for a teenager to make life long agreements about their sex life.

Sorry haven't read all the replies but I thought most men watched porn. Soft porn/regular porn is quite the norm and a lot of women watch it too. I know you had a rule he agreed to and it's because he lied but I think it's very unrealistic to expect men not to watch it. Doesn't reflect on his feelings towards you but because he knows how strongly you feel about it that's why he's probably lied. Depends if you're gonna stay with him if it means that much to you. If you stay, it would mean accepting he will watch it again at some stage. Sorry but that's a fact and human nature. Men can easily separate having a wank over a woman and real life with the woman they love. Men need to masturbate regularly - it's just biology. Has no reflection on you or your body.

Not quite, no. You can't use that statistic to jump to that conclusion. It would be like saying far more people die in car accidents than walking to work along the M6, so might as well walk, wouldn't it? Do you have the statistics for the number of sex workers killed to compare with the numbers of women killed by their partners in the general population? I'd imagine you don't, because there isn't even an accurate figure for the number of sex workers that exist, where they are and their life outcomes. Women face danger from men everywhere, including in their own homes, but common sense tells you you can't manipulate statistics to say that sex workers are safer.

How are you op?