Husband and p0rn?

[CuriousOhCurious]

So bear with me on this one as I know we all have different views on the subject.

personally me and my husband agreed for our relationship it was better porn wasn’t involved!

we all have different views on p0rn and how it effect relationships I know some it can strengthen and others it breaks. My husband chose porn over me a long time ago and it shot my confidence and trust but we agreed after that it would no longer be part of our relationship and he was happy to leave it in the past. Over and over again we’ve had issues over it and again and again we said no more and we agree. Whenever he was found out he would lie and lie and lie until he would finally admit it.
I had just started to trust him again after the previous time, it just started to not be a constant worry in my head, then last night I found a lot of videos on Facebook, half naked women, women with their coochies basically on show or their boobs, I’m shot I don’t know what to do. We’ve been together 8 years but only married for 1, I said I would only marry him if there were no more lies and I believed him. We have two kids together, I don’t know how much more I can take. I don’t want to leave him as I love him so fucking much but I can’t keep being lied to, I don’t know what to do. He’s a brilliant dad, we have a whole life together but I’m not sure what to do! He’s the only person I’ve ever been with relationship and sexually wise. Please just someone give me some advice on what to do. I’m only young mid twenties, I don’t want to waste my life on someone who isn’t going to change but I don’t want to just give up everything I have known since 16. Please be kind as I’m falling apart, my mental health is fucked, I just don’t know what is best and I’m scared tbh.

It's an uncomfortable one because it is controlling ro monitor, police and dictate someone else's habits.

But if he'd been honest with you from the start, you maybe wouldn't have continued the relationship. And that's on him.

He chose to lie and to continue lying which has made you insecure and hyper vigilant. And now, for various life reasons, that has become your focus rather than what you do next knowing this about him.

If your boundary is no porn in the relationship, that is fine. It doesn't matter what other people's might be or how other people feel about porn and no one has the right to minimise your feelings about it.

But this has also become a general trust issue because you now know he will just lie to you about, well, anything really.

You also know he doesn't respect you enough to keep his word or to actually make the 'sacrifice' he promised he would.

It's become far more complex now.

With regards to boundaries, we have them to determine what we are willing to accept from others not to control how others behave. If you know that porn is a deal breaker for you then your focus needs to he on how you process that and the choices you make next knowing that he uses it and not on trying to get him to change or trying to get him to see it from your point of view or trying to get him to stick to his promises and checking that he is because you've already tried that and already know that none of that is important to him.

There is a big difference between him actively watching porn and the images that come up on his social media. Bear in mind that the algorithm on most social media will push images of half naked women at accounts known to be owned by men.

I've only realised this recently when looking at the stuff tiktok was showing to my teenage sons. They only follow accounts about cars, food, music yet these images of scantily dressed girls were constantly appearing.

Before you jump the gun, you might want to double check whether he is actually following and engaging (liking) this content.

Do you mean porn, or do u mean images of naked women? I think there's a difference and one is a lot harder to avoid than the other...

Either way, you had multiple issues about the same thing in the past and your values don't align. You've forgiven him, had children with him, so have shown him it's not a 'hard boundary'. If it was, you'd have left a long time ago. You need to ddcide what your deal breaker actually is, so he knows, but if it's unclothed women, it's gonna be impossible

This. He isn’t going to change op. He watches porn, you catch him, he says he will stop then lies and continues in secret. Rinse and repeat. He lies to you when he knows how you feel about it. He has no respect for you, and if he lies about this what else will he lie about next? Find some self respect and dump him, you’ll be happier.

😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Oh my.

So let me clarify... women have to put their feelings aside so the man can continue doing something they know upsets their partner. The man doesn't have to be honest upfront and say he won't change, so the woman can say okay, that's not for me I'm off. It's okay for him to continue to lie to her because it's her that is being unreasonable for believing his lies?

Or the other option is that the woman has to put her feelings aside and be a porn star every single time a man "gets in the mood" to ensure he doesn't look elsewhere? Really? Really? REALLY?!

Or perhaps the man could just respect the woman in his life and just get on with himself like they did before the internet! Or at the very least be honest at the beginning of a relationship and admit he won't change so she can make an informed choice.

Please don't speak for men, they don't all think like you and certainly not 99% of them! I pity your partner, Andrew!

So sorry you're going through this op. You are right to feel everything you are. I counsel sex addicts/porn addicts. What you describe is all very typical of addiction. Any questions feel free to ask.

Support for you
Love after porn on reddit is a great group you can find wonderful support from women going through all the same things.
Human navigating betrayal on facebook

Helping couples heal podcast
Pbse podcast
Choose to be podcast
Omar minwhallas secret sexual basement and integrity abuse
The laurel centre
The naked truth project
You will need a betrayal trauma therapist not any therapist will understand this.

For your partner
He needs a csat/apsat no other therapist will understand.
12 step can only take them so far he needs to do a integrity recovery.
Pbse podcast
Your brain on porn book/ website
We reccomend a full 130 days no porn masturbation sex social media TV detox no screens
Omar minwhalla secret sexual basement and integrity abuse.

I think your body confidence and self esteem is an issue only you can work on. That's a YOU problem. He can't make you feel better about yourself. It's something you need to address. I understand that him finding other women sexually attractive might have an impact but he's in a relationship not dead from the waste down. It's an unreasonable expectation to expect him never to find anyone else attractive.

😂😂😂

This is hilarious!
So by your rhetoric, 99% of men have to watch porn because their respectful partners can't be dressed up in lingerie and be ready waiting to take their small shit in bed dicks, so that's what 99% of the male population watches porn?

Give over.

You sound more addicted than the OPs husband.

Stop justifying watching an industry with rape, child sexual assault and child porn, and exploitation.

Men are not owed sex on tap, you are thinking that 'women are always available whether online or in real life to satisfy my needs.' How about going to satisfy your partners needs, or has she gone off sex because you are either shit in bed, or you make her feel shit and lower her self esteem as you and 99% of your peers watch porn? Or does she tell you she doesn't mind porn, because she's given up on the hopes you will stop watching it so much instead of having sex with her? Or do you not have a partner.. wonder why.

I hope your next tug is worth it.

To me, it sounds like you're setting yourself up to fail.

The cycle of your low self-esteem and control plus his lying and linked.

If you split from him, the next man will probably watch or view something occasionally.

At the end of the day, he's an adult, and adults both male and female, sometimes seem titillating contact.

If he's still attracted to you, has sex with you, compliments you - then, it's up to you if you let this worry and fear control you. It doesn't have to. Are a few photos worth the stress it's causing you?

Like it or don't like it. I reckon it's his opinion is very honest and frank.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I struggled for 10 years with the same issue with my husband. I eventually asked him to leave and he sort counselling for his porn addiction.

we have slowly rebuilt our marriage but it has been a tough road. Not everyone understands how porn can be like a poison in a relationship.

we have blocks on the wifi but also my husband asked him to set restrictions on his phone with a passcode he doesn’t know to avoid temptation and for my peace of mind something his counsellor suggested.

If you love this guy, you'll get over your hang ups - I do not think it is a "hang up" to:

• object to women being commodified and degraded
• object to a life partner lying to you

The OP has made her views clear - note views not hang ups - and her OH has agreed to abide by them because he wants to keep his family intact. He has broken this agreement so his wife is entitled to feel aggrieved.

They need to find some way of resolving this between them, but this will not happen if her OH denies that there is a problem.

Normal is a relative term - what is normal for one person is not for another.

It sounds like he's been lying to you repeatedly about the same issue. Before you married, the lying was so bad you had to give him an ultimatum about it. And he lied again. Can you trust ANYTHING he says now? Given that this is your closest adult relationship and probably the person you spend the most time with besides your children, of course your confidence is suffering and you're questioning yourself and struggling to understand what's going on and what to do. You have no solid ground to stand on here, let alone to build on. The two of you could spend all day every day talking through your differences and issues but it's wasted time if he's dishonest.

You wrote we agreed after that it [porn] would no longer be part of our relationship and he was happy to leave it in the past. Either he IS addicted - keeps having to go back to porn no matter how hard he tries to resist even though he genuinely does not want to and fears what it will mean for the relationship and your family unit - or he was/is lying about being happy to give it up. If he's addicted I guess he could try therapy, but how would you know he was doing that in good faith? Or you could leave him to it and just try to ignore it (not suggesting this, but it's an option).

Either way, restoring trust that has been broken in a relationship is a HUGE deal, it can take years and it requires a lot of work from both partners and a very unusual, maybe even unhealthy, degree of openness. Which may mean your policing his activities and his allowing you to do that, for as long as it takes. You could also get professional help with this (in fact, I think you'd have to given the number of times trust has been broken and you've forgiven him and it's happened again). That's years of your lives to fix something that may not be fixable. Is it really worth it?

Lol. Very happily married thanks. 32 years together and better than ever.

@mansplainingsincethe90s I feel for her. If your opinion I'll is porn is there for when she cannot satisfy your needs then god help her.

So, as you know, you shouldn't have married this man. That's the reality of this situation. You are still making excuses for him on this thread, and you shouldn't have married a man that watches porn since it's not something you agree with.

End of. You are absolutely deluded about this not being an addiction, and I'm sure you know deep down that it is, hence why you have gone to attempts to block his access to porn.

You've made a poor decision choosing to marry this man , who will not change, so you have to make a decision.

That's the reality of it.

Can I offer an alternate view? You have this boundary in place, fine, but have you ever considered you are being unreasonable about your no porn rule?

Isn't it an unrealistic ask in the first place? Most adults watch porn in private, both men and women. Can you just accept that your husband does this in private and moved forward? It will prevent lies and give him an outlet. I certainly wouldn't suggest you end you marriage over it!

What I can guarantee though is that his watching it has nothing to do with how you look, and certainly not how you feel. Though I'm sorry to hear you're feeling so low about yourself, and agree that you being exposed to what he is watching is not only unnecessary but insensitive.

Separately, it sounds like you need to work on your own confidence building. In the kindest possible way, your body confidence issues are not your husband's responsibility to resolve. What can you do to focus on you and invest time and effort into yourself so you feel good about you?

Spot on

The no porn rule was something we agreed on together, it was not just a me going NO PORN and him okaying it, I think it started off with lies being the issue and porn got dragged in to it more with the lies.

the self esteem and body confidence is something he has shot, he openly admits that and yes it’s not his problem to resolve and it does hurt him to know he has caused it. I am working on it, I am going to the gym multiple times a week to try and help me feel better in myself, to try and be happy with my body.

There's really no need to get personal. You know nothing of my marriage, me or my wife. You have also insinuated a lot about my personal motives, for which you have no basis. None of this has anything to do with the original poster's problem that she doesn't like her husband looking at porn and then hiding his behaviour from her.

how am I deluded? I have no idea what a porn addiction consists of, in my eyes it would be someone watching it every single day and physically cannot go without it, like an alcoholic without alcohol.

I had faith in a person who I love, because I would not hurt someone I loved so I believed he wouldn’t hurt me. Maybe stupidity or being completely naive

Hence why I started this post with EVEYONE has different views on porn and their relationships. Some it works for others it doesn’t. If you’ve been happily married for 32 years then I congratulate you on that and I thank you for your input on here and how it works in your marriage but it doesn’t in mine. I do agree everyone’s “normal” is different.

If it’s just Facebook, proceed with caution. The algorithm can throw all things your way based on what it ‘thinks’ you want to see based on your age, gender, location and not always necessarily what you’ve looked at in the past. For example I get ads for clothes for plus size women. I’m a size 6. I also get ads for sex toys. Never once bought or searched for sex toys in my life. But the algorithm assumes that as I’m in my 40s and female I might be interested in these things. Just saying.
edited to add: if his Facebook friends have liked or viewed these things it can also suggest them to him. He can block them though. Maybe have a conversation tell him you’ve seen it, ask him to block it from now on and take it from there?

There is so much wrong with this alterbative view I barely know where to start!

have you ever considered you are being unreasonable about your no porn rule?
It's not unreasonable to have any rules, he had the option right from the outset to say he didn't like the rule and wouldn't be following it and then they could have split up and gone on to find compatable partners. Instead he chose to lie.

Isn't it an unrealistic ask in the first place?
No, see above.

Most adults watch porn in private, both men and women.
No, they don't. Some do, and each to their own, but "most", no!

Can you just accept that your husband does this in private and moved forward? It will prevent lies and give him an outlet.
Why should she accept something she is uncomfortable with so that he doesn't have to lie. Don't blame the woman! How about he didn't lie in the first place? He can have the same ending to his private time without looking at porn!

In the kindest possible way, your body confidence issues are not your husband's responsibility to resolve.
An equal, loving partner would do anything in their power to help their loved one with a confidence issue. Lying about and doing something that gives them that very issue is just nasty.

I really get the impression from some comments that a fair few of the women here really don't know the extent that their men watch porn.

Trust me when I tell you there are basically two types of men:

1. Those who watch porn to wank to.
2. Those who watch porn to wank to but hide it from their disapproving partners.

I'm not saying this to get a rise out of you. I'm just being as honest as I can so you can deal with it.

We looked at porn before we met you, we look at porn when we're with you and we will look at porn when you dump us to start another relationship with another man who will also look at porn to wank to.

It has absolutely nothing to do with how we feel towards you. It doesn't mean we don't fancy you or think you don't look hot. Often men will look at pictures and videos of women who look remarkedly like their partners.

It just means we are horny and can't be arsed to imagine a sexy scenario to wank to when there's a ton of porn on tap.