Husband and p0rn?

[CuriousOhCurious]

So bear with me on this one as I know we all have different views on the subject.

personally me and my husband agreed for our relationship it was better porn wasn’t involved!

we all have different views on p0rn and how it effect relationships I know some it can strengthen and others it breaks. My husband chose porn over me a long time ago and it shot my confidence and trust but we agreed after that it would no longer be part of our relationship and he was happy to leave it in the past. Over and over again we’ve had issues over it and again and again we said no more and we agree. Whenever he was found out he would lie and lie and lie until he would finally admit it.
I had just started to trust him again after the previous time, it just started to not be a constant worry in my head, then last night I found a lot of videos on Facebook, half naked women, women with their coochies basically on show or their boobs, I’m shot I don’t know what to do. We’ve been together 8 years but only married for 1, I said I would only marry him if there were no more lies and I believed him. We have two kids together, I don’t know how much more I can take. I don’t want to leave him as I love him so fucking much but I can’t keep being lied to, I don’t know what to do. He’s a brilliant dad, we have a whole life together but I’m not sure what to do! He’s the only person I’ve ever been with relationship and sexually wise. Please just someone give me some advice on what to do. I’m only young mid twenties, I don’t want to waste my life on someone who isn’t going to change but I don’t want to just give up everything I have known since 16. Please be kind as I’m falling apart, my mental health is fucked, I just don’t know what is best and I’m scared tbh.

Oh sweetie. Why are u using the " but everyone does it" to argue the case for your own behaviour??

I don't mind porn, never have. Same with my partner. We don't hide it from each other, cos it's bene the source of some good night's. However, times change, and I can't remember the last time I watched any. Same with him. It's probs more about lack of opportunity than change in attitudes, but I can say it's been a couple of years at least, and I can't see that changing anytime soon.

You can't generalise, humanity is about individual differences🤷‍♀️ don't try and rule yourself an expert just because you have a penis in common

You forgot
3.those who are addicted

this man sounds like he is , and perhaps the shame and embarrassment of this could be stopping him from being truthful . Especially if he has a wife that is so disapproving of porn . Im not justifying his lack of honesty here but the sooner he is honest with himself then maybe he can be honest with her ?

Stop speaking for other men (do you know them ALL?!) to excuse your own behaviour. Some men use porn, there are many, many who do not. Please stop pretending that we are all delusional.

Most adults watch porn in private, both men and women. That is a very sweeping statement for which you can have no evidence - because there is none.

The bottom line here is that the OP had an agreement with her partner about this. He has both reneged on this and lied about it. What you believe about other men and women's habits is an irrelevance.

My own view on porn is that it is fraught with exploitation, drug pushing, degradation, control, people trafficking ......... So I find it deeply objectionable, and would be unhappy about any men who cannot see this. These men often have daughters of their own and would not wish them to be involved in this - but can see no problem about someone else's daughter being dragged into it.

Wank if you wish - no problem with that - but do not make use of exploited women in order to do so. It is not rocket science and I am sure men can manage it all by themselves without the use of porn.

The porn is just an unnecessary indulgence.

We are actually seeing lots of young men and boys choosing not to watch pornography after learning of the damage it can do to the body and brain. Among a variety of reasons.

Movements such as fight the new drug go around visiting schools educating children about pornography so they can make an informed choice for themselves.

Guaranteed I know an awful lot more men than you do. And we all watch porn. All of us. Every single one. How could I know this? Because we talk about it. You probably didn't realise that.

That sounds like the sort of thing that would happen in the USA. Is it a religious group or something? Not the sort of thing that's allowed to happen in UK schools.

To be honest that just sounds like brainwashing kids. Like telling them abstinence is the only form of contraception, rather than giving them a proper sex education.

Cool. So your husband is in category 1. Men who watch porn.

Yes he is.

How on earth can you say that given you don't know the first thing about me and how many men I may or may not know. Bizarre! You also know that there are countries where you can't actually access porn? Or that it isn't normal to access it at all?

Or do you chat to every single male in every single country of the world? Or are you just talking about the small amount of obviously like-minded males that you chat to...?

Lots of men look at porn, and maybe every single one that you talk to does indeed do so. But not every single male does! This I know for sure. You probably didn't realise that.

we have all different views on porn, what works for your marriage may not work for mine or others. Personally I don’t give a rats ass about porn as long as it doesn’t interfere with our sex life or our marriage, but if it’s such a huge deal for you, you’ve explicitly let him now and it’s a hill you’re willing to die on yet he keeps using porn then he’s lying and deceiving you which means that there’s no trust, your marriage ain’t working and you need to dump this guy because he’s broken the agreement.

Fair point. But I was discussing this in a Mumsnet forum in English, so I'm leaning towards a Western audience rather than some bloke out in the Middle East or somewhere with no access to porn. (But if he could, he probably would).

And you're right. You might know lots and lots and lots of men and you may discuss their porn watching habits when you catch up with them on Whatsapp, down the pub, playing sport or hanging out just like I do. That was presumptuous of me.

I would be interested to know how you know for sure that not every single male does though?

Nope not religious or brainwashing just education and awareness often taught alongside screen addiction/healthy use. As its very similar in its effects to dopamine /numbing out / anxiety/attention/focus. Actually largely not about arousal at all. There's also a a large focus on how to deal with the feelings of shame that can come from watching pornography. It's really heartbreaking to see children as young as 9 so damaged from exposure to pornography.

Make as many excuses for porn as you like.
Men ( and women ) who don’t have a care in the world about the enormous amount of abuse and sex trafficking in the world of porn are beyond contempt. To suggest it’s a hang up to not be against porn ( and blame the woman, oh yawn ) is so predictable. Enjoy your wank while you wonder if the ‘naked lady’ has the choice you have.

App won't let me edit

• effected from exposure to pornography. Damaged wasn't the right word at all. Most go on to thrive thankfully

He's never going to stop using porn. He just keeps promising to keep you quiet. Everytime you've 'caught' him and let it go you've just taught him he can carry on. So you have two choices. You can either accept this about him and operate on a don't ask don't tell basis (but be prepared for him to get more and more upfront about it) or if it matters enough, you will have to leave him. The option three, that you want, to stay and he stops, isn't an option. He's shown you that.

Porn is cheating. It is attaining sexual gratification outside of the relationship, which is the very definition of cheating. It would be an absolute deal breaker for me.

Cool. So what's your solution to the OP's problem? Get a divorce and break up and otherwise happy marriage?

Can’t speak for op but a porn addict husband doesn’t make for a happy marriage in my book.
Doesn’t in hers, by the sound of it.
Porn, gambling, alcohol, whatever anyone’s moral line in the sand - he’s lying about his use.

We can't know this for certain. But the alternative, that you would have us believe, is that every single man in the world with the ability to access porn, has no care for exploitation of women as long as gets his solo sexual gratification; and those who deny this are liars to boot. Personally I'd prefer to think there are men out there who are better than that.

Ignore the mansplainer, the clue is in the name. Men like him like to say "all men" because it makes them feel better about their own choices.
Next he'll be saying you should be grateful it's only porn and not affairs and prostitutes..

Newsflash- there are no positives to a woman being made to feel insecure. Just less sex and affection and a less happy less confident partner. If a man isn't going to make a woman feel secure then whats the point.

I got today “it’s not as if I’m out having sex with other people”

Unfortunately it sounds like he doesn't see an issue at all, that he sees it as you're unreasonable to have this boundary. Is that how it feels to you? Or has he said to you?

It's going to be down to you to hold that boundary and he either gives up pornography or he chooses pornography over a relationship with you, a real woman.
That's his choice to make.

You absolutely deserve a relationship where you are seen, heard and cherished. Both putting equal energy and priority on the relationship.

You can put in place boundaries for your safety. It might mean no sharing a living space together or the same bed. Anything that helps you feel safe.

'Guaranteed I know an awful lot more men than you do. And we all watch porn. All of us. Every single one. How could I know this? Because we talk about it. You probably didn't realise that.'

@mansplainingsincethe90s

Ewwww 🤢 a massive group of grown arse men talking about having a tug over ACTING online, in an industry that promotes unrealistic sex expectations, where people bleach their arse holes, that supports underage sex, sexual assault, exploitation.. the list goes on.

Getting sexual satisfaction from other women whether online or elsewhere is cheating. A group of men talking about cheating? Again, ewww 🤢

You have no moral high ground at all looking all mature because you 'talk' about it. You look sad. You have a wife and you're happily married. Can you really^^ not control your sexual urges? So when your wife isn't wanting sex you quickly hop online, undo your trousers and get your dick in our hand over a woman who has probably been abused, drugged, raped, and forced into doing things she doesn't want to do, just to fulfil your itch to be scratched?

Your 'group' sound like a charming lot.