Husband and p0rn?

[CuriousOhCurious]

So bear with me on this one as I know we all have different views on the subject.

personally me and my husband agreed for our relationship it was better porn wasn’t involved!

we all have different views on p0rn and how it effect relationships I know some it can strengthen and others it breaks. My husband chose porn over me a long time ago and it shot my confidence and trust but we agreed after that it would no longer be part of our relationship and he was happy to leave it in the past. Over and over again we’ve had issues over it and again and again we said no more and we agree. Whenever he was found out he would lie and lie and lie until he would finally admit it.
I had just started to trust him again after the previous time, it just started to not be a constant worry in my head, then last night I found a lot of videos on Facebook, half naked women, women with their coochies basically on show or their boobs, I’m shot I don’t know what to do. We’ve been together 8 years but only married for 1, I said I would only marry him if there were no more lies and I believed him. We have two kids together, I don’t know how much more I can take. I don’t want to leave him as I love him so fucking much but I can’t keep being lied to, I don’t know what to do. He’s a brilliant dad, we have a whole life together but I’m not sure what to do! He’s the only person I’ve ever been with relationship and sexually wise. Please just someone give me some advice on what to do. I’m only young mid twenties, I don’t want to waste my life on someone who isn’t going to change but I don’t want to just give up everything I have known since 16. Please be kind as I’m falling apart, my mental health is fucked, I just don’t know what is best and I’m scared tbh.

The important thing is: how much of a deal breaker is it, because you have 2 options here:1) dump him and break up an otherwise happy family or 2) Get over it, turn a Blind eye, assume he’s going to lie to you and watch porn when he’s alone.

You pick.

As if you think I don’t already know this. Why should it be ok for him to lie about anything,

I’m not saying it’s ok for him to lie, it’s NOT, but apparently he keeps lying and watching porn, so the above are your two options at this point, you’ll need to pick one.

If you want to stay with him, you'll probably need to consider some kind of compromise because he's shown you that he's not willing to give up titillating content completely

This thread has gone on a predictable porn tangent, but from what I can infer from your posts, he isn't actually watching hardcore porn hub stuff.

Is this actually affecting your relationship right now

Btw, I've been in the situation where the porn use was genuinely getting bad to the point where we're sneaking off in the day during family time and my body confidence was so low. I totally empathise with your need to make it stop entirely.

I've accepted I can't police everything and I can accept very occasional use that doesn't actually affect us in any way.

He either can’t or won’t stop which means you need to decide whether you can accept it. Accepting it will at least mean he doesn’t have to lie to you about it anymore.

Watching porn is not a reflection on you or your body. Try to separate the two.

Me too. @mansplainingsincethe90s certainly isn’t.

How has he shot your body confidence? Is it his porn use or is there more to that story? Are you happy with your sex life or do you think he is watching porn instead of initiating sex with you?

He shouldn't be lying to you, but equally, masturbation is typically a solitary thing that we do in private, and so I find prying into that a bit invasive. When you masturbate, do you use only your imagination, and if so, are you only ever able to imagine him? Would you mind if he didn't use porn but imagined another woman?

How are you finding out about all this porn use? Are you snooping on his devices? I can understand why you would be due to the history of lying, but none of this is attributable to a healthy relationship.

All relationships are different and have different boundaries, that's ok as long as both people are happy with the boundaries. It seems like your husband isn't happy with that boundary, but instead of saying so, is just agreeing for an easy life while thinking he can get away with it in private.

I think you know that he won't stop this. It's habitual and he'll have been using porn since puberty probably. Even if he stops for a little while, it'll start up again. It's no reflection on your or how attractive you are to him, it's literally wank fodder. It's not personal to you!

You’re fighting against a massive online industry worth billions of dollars that found a market that will never be satiated: male sexual desire.

Women got such a hard deal since these little pocket phones with cams and videos became the norm.

We used to have issues with men being unfaithful in real life.

Now we have to deal with constant infidelity and fantasy pandering online. Look how it’s changed our female norms with everyone bald down there now, not to mention all the plastic surgery that goes on.

OP you’re fighting a battle many many women fight nowadays which is trying to feel sexy and have some self-worth while knowing your DH/partner is tugging off to whoever he pleases and will please him and it’s not classed as infidelity anymore.

once again men moved the goal posts. I’m not sure if you met another man he’s not going to watch porn too. They got to have their cake and eat it and think it’s normal.

And then politicians ask why women aren’t having kids and the western population is going down.

Elon and the rest of you can’t have your naughty memes and porn and expect women to just keep sucking it up.

So welcome to the biggest relationship/social experiment we got going this last decade.

We are truly screwed again. We almost got equality, yes in education, yes in being allowed to vote, yes in careers, not quite yet in pay and then just as things were looking really good they developed streaming video and set us back to the dark ages. We have no equality in the bedroom, not anymore.

Amd if we don’t have that as a foundation in relationships what’s the point of having a relationship? No point at all.

@CuriousOhCurious Can you please clarify if what you found was porn or social media content? You said it was on his Facebook, so I highly doubt he's looking at porn there!

@mansplainingsincethe90s your (shit) way of explaining on here is really to gaslight all women to believe that all men do it. So when they get into a relationship with a man and assert boundaries, they are reminded (by shit men like you) that all men watch it, so they'd better keep quiet as it's 'normal' and better left unsaid.

I too, feel for your wife.

I think some men need a visual stimulus to wank to hence the porn.

Obviously you have a very clear boundary and he broke it.

My worry for you if you left him would be that you might have similar issues in future relationship.

You can tell from this thread there are a range of views.

Does it affect your sex life. I feel like wanking is separate to sex.

This.

20 years ago is was xxx videos/DVD's

40 years ago it was top shelf magazines.

60 years ago it was topless cigarette cards.

I'm afraid OP that your problem is that your man will always want to look at pictures of naked women. He lied to you because he wanted to keep you happy & thought he could hide it.

When I was 15 I hid my top shelf magazines in my wardrobe on my air rifle case.

When I was 25 I had them in the garage.....until my wife (1st one) found them & went mental. I then just hid them better.

I'm afraid that there really isnt an answer . The Male poster who got a kicking by a few posters was right. You can leave him & start afresh, but I reckon 99% of men you then start a relationship with will watch "porn" in one guise or another. The body imagine is a you issue. I can understand if you don't like porn due to trafficking or other issues but you've not mentioned this. It seems you just dont like your man to be looking at pictures of naked women. Unfortunately I dont think that he will stop.

Its only a bit of porn, better than having an affair or asking Doris at work for a fumble. And facebook isnt pornographic. Are you sure he's not looking at proper stuff?

I don’t think it’s all men… I know it’s not all men. Like not all men cheat either. Some see the porn, really see it for what it is and don’t want to be manipulated in that way. It’s probably too cerebral and advanced for you. Not all men bought lads mags. All were curious I’m sure but then it’s boring after a while and you seek the real thing. Well that’s what used to happen.

and topless cigarette cards is hardly the same as XXX rated porn that’s available at the tap of a finger.

Men moved the goalposts and you can say all you want but finding a card deck of drawn topless women in a man’s jacket is not the same as millions of search hits to view whatever fantasy you’re after today. And to say it’s not affecting relationships is a joke. Sex is commoditised nowadays. It’s for sale on a grand scale you just don’t choose to see the negative side because you believe it serves you best the way things are. But you forgot the impact on women and especially young women like the OP. We’re told just to get used to it, to normalise it, accept it, that’s just men. Why again is it us having to adjust to your needs, yet again? Why do we have to accept it? Weren’t we aiming for equality? It’s so boring hearing the same old tropes.

I think we are going off topic here a little.

everyone has different views on porn, and that is absolutely fine. It does however, depend on the type of porn and if it has a negative effect on a relationship.

Personally, I have always watched porn, and when not in a relationship has become somewhat routine for me. I am however as careful as I can be about the type of porn I watch and am fully aware it in no way reflects what happens in real life, it’s a fantasy for the most part.

OP, how is your sex life? If your OH is watching porn INSTEAD of being intimate with you then it becomes a problem. The lying about it is a red flag to some degree, but he will also no doubt be hiding it through shame or guilt, or to make you feel less insecure, which ironically has had the opposite effect as you now know he’s been lying about it.

however, Facebook ads of scantily clad woman is not porn, it’s algorithms designed to put ads in front of a certain type of internet user based on their search history. Yes, it could be because he has been on porn sites, but as you have firewalled them this is unlikely and could be because he is looking at ‘manly ‘ stuff online, which to be honest could be absolutely anything.

Not all men watch porn but the majority do. The latest figures show that 59% of men aged between 18-50 have watched porn in the last month, and 40% watch it on a weekly basis. For woman it’s around 23% and 16% respectively. I’m not sure if this is uk or US figures btw.

if a male says he doesn’t watch porn, there is a fairly high chance he is lying. He might not be addicted and he might only watch it a few times a month, but men get horny and when there is no other option to offer that release, whether that be because they are single, or their partner is away or ill, porn is really one of very few options: most Men need visual stimulation to get erect and to be able to have a release, whereas a woman needs physical touch like her hands or a vibrator etc.

IMO, and this is ONLY my opinion, if a male watches porn, when in a relationship, it has no bearing on how he views his partner. It does not mean he finds her unattractive, or no longer fancies her, it is a visual stimulation which results in a physical release. Porn should not and can not be substituted for intimacy with a partner in a relationship and when this happens this is when it becomes a problem.

I know this scenario is a little different, but how many woman would agree not to use toys or masturbate if their partner made that a rule, even if they went away for a week for work etc? I bet most on here would say they could easily refrain , but I’m not so sure if the reality would be the same.

https://en-gb.facebook.com/reel/1649718169108823/

oh no, porn has nothing to do with this. FFS.

@Catseyes88 most Men need visual stimulation to get erect and to be able to have a release
Genuine question; I could understand if he was horny and hard, it'd be annoying until dealt with, and used porn to meet that need, but if he's not hard, and can't get so without looking at porn, surely he's not horny? Why does he need a wank if he's not aroused to begin with?

I believe you're projecting yourself here, just because you have a problem with porn doesn't mean his wife has.

Men don’t need to be hard to be horny….

Men can still be horny when soft, but they need to be hard ( generally speaking) in order to orgasm.

Men don’t suddenly get a boner when they are horny, otherwise you’d constantly be walking around and meeting men with a bulge in their trousers!

It is interesting how people try to justify porn and find themselves able to ignore the exploitation involved. The bottom line is: would you want a child of yours involved in making porn videos?

Just want to pick up a couple of points:

"with everyone bald down there now" That's got nothing to do with men deciding women need to shave their pubes. We were fine in the seventies with full bush. I believe it became the norm in porn because of hygiene and because it's easier to film/photograph. But there's plenty of fully hair and vintage porn that is extremely popular.

"We have no equality in the bedroom, not anymore". You need to watch different porn. Dominatrix, cuckold, vixen, CFNM. It doesn't have to be submissive.

@mansplainingsincethe90s Dominatrix, cuckold, vixen, CFNM. It doesn't have to be submissive These are for men, because they want to be submissive, it isn't anything about what women want really.

You sound absolutely controlling, and if this was a reversal you'd be labelled flat out abusive.

“ I believe it became the norm in porn because of hygiene”

Wrong again.

Women are shaving for hygiene? So why don’t all men have to shave, or are we the only dirty ones?

Women are advised to stop shaving so they can avoid getting a urinary tract infection. Yes that’s right. Contrary to popular male belief that for hygiene reasons we should shave it all off, hair actually PROTECTS us from bacteria and stops us from getting UTIs. But thanks for the male gaze version of why it’s happened. It’s all so simple when it’s just about your dick and your pleasure.

And yes it is down to men that women are bald down there. In the 70s porn wasn’t available all women had pubic hair.

The majority of porn is bald female. We’ve had it thrust on us as yet another norm we must conform to and yet risk UTIs just so you can get off.

And what of the other risks that porn presents to women:

1. Strangulation, the horrific new practice taking young men by storm which again compromises women’s safety. It’s again just becoming the norm https://www.medscape.com/viewarticle/disturbing-sexual-trend-real-health-consequences-2024a1000daq

and 2. Anal sex. Which can tear or rip a woman’s colon but you know. It’s normal. Some women love it. Oh yes, I’ve heard it all before.

but it’s never men taking any extra risks is it? Women take more and more risk to their bodies while men just keep jacking off.

And what of the huge rise in gang rape? From young men all over the world? This isn’t to do with porn normalising it?

Always you getting what you want over and over again, exploiting women for your enjoyment, just like you have since time began.

Did you learn nothing??

https://yougov.co.uk/society/articles/42945-how-often-do-britons-watch-porn?redirect_from=%2Ftopics%2Fsociety%2Farticles-reports%2F2022%2F07%2F01%2Fhow-often-do-britons-watch-porn
These stats may help with the claim that 99% of men watch regular porn.
My DH had dabbled a bit prior to being married. 22 years married I have never seen a trace of it, and we use each others phones etc. It is not inevitable in a man.