MORTIFIED, he didn’t turn up to meet the family!

[Maisiexo]

Absolutely mortified! Boyfriend (well ex now) has been pestering to meet my family for ages now. I finally organised a meal which included myself and boyfriend, DF and his partner, DGPs and DB for yesterday at mine. Boyfriend seemed very happy to be meeting them. It’s been difficult finding a weekend where they were all free as DS works shifts and DF works away.
It was planned for 3pm. I spent all of the previous night and yesterday preparing a 3 course meal from scratch. Boyfriend isn’t from here so included dishes from his country too.

I messaged in the morning to confirm 3pm would still be good for him. He said yes and I got everything ready.

At 2:15pm I get a message off him saying he will come after 4pm instead as he wants to go to the gym “in a bit”and shopping beforehand! No apology for being late. I explained that the food was already in the oven and I didn’t know if my family would be able to stay that long as they had other arrangements for later on in the day. He then tried to turn it around on me saying that my family obviously weren’t that interested in meeting him if they couldn’t be bothered to wait an extra hour and a bit to meet him. 😦

I told him I found it very rude that he was trying to turn this back on me and has dropped me in it with my family. He then blocked me and never turned up. He rang off a no caller ID a couple of hours later but I didn’t answer

By the time he blocked me it was almost 3 and my family arrived a few minutes later. It was so embarrassing having to explain to my family that he hadn’t turned up. We did enjoy the dinner and I hid my emotions while they were here but have been so upset and mortified ever since.

AIBU to be disgusted in his behaviour? He was making out I was blowing everything out of proportion and he has every right to turn up hours late!

I don’t understand the point you’re making. I understand rhe poster you’re quoting but not why you’re rebutting,

Oh dear, what a total mess. Claim CMS and do nothing to facilitate him seeing his child. He probably won’t bother. What a failure he is.

I genuinely cannot comprehend how you can have a six month old baby AND actively be in a relationship with the baby’s father before he even meets any of your family!

I was appalled before the drip feed and thought that that’s the sort of thing that would stay with you forever. I don’t know how you could ever truly get over that.

But JHC the information that powerwashed in two posts down….

Whaatttt!!!!! OMG he is classified as highly toxic. I am so upset on your behalf. Please never ever look back and let you baby be with this toxic man.

How rude. How ignorant. What a twat.

Why wouldn’t you have applied for CMS anyway? He should be paying for his child.

Yes he has been stringing you along for maintenance. Don't let him in your house again. He can take the baby out in the push chair and walk to a park, to spend time with him. Stop treating him like a boyfriend, he isn't at all. How rude of him to let you and your family down. There's jo going back from this, your family already think he's a bad egg.

Fucking hell talk about a drip feed 🤯.

What does this mean, why can’t she be in a relationship before he meets her family. Is this cultural?

Thanks all for your comments and apologise for my late response. Been out doing some errands, going to meet my friend with her kids now to take my mind off things.

It’s wrong that he hasn’t met the family earlier I agree (but very glad now he never did). Basically when he first came back it was strictly to see dc and over the following months developed into more. I can see now my stupidity in the situation. I wanted to be sure that he was being serious this time before introducing him to my family (I’ve only ever introduced one previous partner to them). He then went away on a holiday back to his home country for a month but messaged and video called daily (insinuated by himself). He only came back recently so organised the meal this weekend.

I haven’t heard anything from him yet and still blocked. I won’t be contacting him at all from now on. Thanks again for taking the time to reply 😊

Please allow me my sweeping generalisations, they saved me and my nearest and dearest many a time. In fact, when I was giving a lad 'not from here' the benefit of the doubt and refused to indulge in any sweeping generalisations, we were badly let down.

Think carefully about your future. You have another 17.5 years of caring for your son ( at least) His father sounds like a waste of space and as he’s not from Britain he could return to his country at any time leaving you high and dry or worse take your son there to meet his family and not return him. These are all mights, and equally might not happen. But it’s a long time to deal with a man who is rude, inconsiderate and is prepared to turn anything he does wrong onto you.
Please think carefully if you want him in your life at all and is he honestly ever going to add anything to your son’s life.

It means that it’s not normal to go through pregnancy and then childbirth and then rearing the child for six months whilst the father has absolutely no contact with any of the family of his partner with whom he has a child.

OP, you should prioritise getting your son his UK passport, then keeping it safe.

Turns out they have a baby, so sadly not!

Oh ffs.

That's more than a drop feed. Thats a pretty crucial detail.

And sadly highlights why you shouldn't have a baby with someone you barely know.

I was going to say you've had a lucky escape, but you haven't really if you have a child together.

Just need to co-parent with that arsehole as best you can then, I guess.

It is if they are not together, they had a brief relationship, he ended it when she was pregnant, of course it’s normal not to meet someone like that,

Yy definitely sort out babies passport asap.
Do they have your surname?

Fucking hell. You are absolutely right to draw this line in the sand and cut him off. Well done. Stay strong. x

I actually don't think your second post makes that much difference tbh. My advice is exactly the same either way. He's a rude, inconsiderate individual that should not be your BF and its right that you don't intend him to be. The fact that he's your child's father is irrelevant to whether you should be in a romantic relationship with him. You need to focus on his role as father to your child and coparent. I fear you will have enough on your plate trying to do damage limitation there tbh without having to also be his partner.

@Maisiexo I don’t know if it’s possible to rely on mediation/intermediaries/supervised contact only in the (unlikely) event he wants to see your DC but (again don’t know if this is even possible given he could leave the country) definitely put in a claim for him to contribute to care of the child.

I would disagree. Paths would cross if he visited his new baby in the hospital. If he was calling at the house regularly to see the baby, particularly when the baby was tiny he would bump into a granny or an auntie.

not necessarily formal introductions but the fact that paths never crossed show he doesn’t know his baby well and it’s really part of the child’s life

He ruined the day for everyone. You went to so much trouble for this ill mannered pig. It's not your fault, but value yourself more from now onwards. Never let anyone treat you like that again.

To all woman - please dump any toxic people in your life. Feel very sad when I read so many posts about men behaving in an unforgivable and horrible way.

He's testing/training you. The test was whether you'd allow him to humiliate you in front of your family and gaslight you into agreeing you were unreasonable for expecting his commitment to you to take precedence over his own desire to go to the gym and go shopping.

If you'd "passed" he'd consider your boundaries (which at the end of the day are really your self confidence and self worth) weak enough to be worth keeping you around for convenience. If you failed then he'd decide your boundaries are too strong to be worth the effort.

This is a test you do not want to pass - congratulations on failing!

In fairness to OP she said it was a contraceptive failure. It doesn’t sound like she planned to have a baby with him.

I had a contraceptive failure (the pill). I always thought vaguely that I’d have a termination if I ever found myself in that position - but I couldn’t do it. No judgement on others, but I couldn’t go ahead with it. Maybe OP was the same.

If you find yourself in that situation, sometimes you end up with a beautiful baby (or twins in my case) from a short-term relationship….mine weren’t planned and the biological father vanished over the horizon quicker than his little swimmers. My DC are 14 years old now and he’s not been missed. Maybe the same will happen for OP, I really hope so 💐