My wife is mad at me when I admitted I didn't care about her friends. Why is she so upset ?

[angelo111]

Me and my wife have been married for 5 years.

For context, I don't downright hate her friends but they aren't my cup of tea either. They aren't the type of people I am willing to hang out with and care to get to know and I do my best to see them as little as possible. Overall I am socially selective. I don't just hang out with anybody.

When my wife have friends over, I always know ahead of time when her people are suppose to come over. I told my wife to always tell me when she will have friends over. So that way I’ll be able to make plans with my own friends or be in another room and not come out while her friends are there. And I always turned down her friends birthday invitations. I even managed to skip a couple of weddings. The first wedding I’ve skipped was 2 years ago. Instead of going to the wedding, I went for a weekend trip with my dad and 4 brothers and 2 of his guy friends and had a great time. The second wedding was a year ago and I managed to skip because it happened to be one of my brothers birthday so I went to the party.

Yesterday was one of her friends birthday and my wife kept trying to get me to tag along but I didn’t want to be with a bunch of ladies . She told me that her friends male cousins would be there but it wouldn’t make me feel comfortable because I don’t know them and i checked her Instagram story from when she was at the birthday party and it seemed that there was more girls then guys and I’m glad I didn’t go because it looks more like a bachelorette then a birthday party. But my wife have been giving me grief and she tells me that I’m anti social and her friends are starting to find it weird that they never see her with me and some of them think i hate them. But I told her that I don’t hate them but I don’t really care about them because I’m married to her, not them and I have no obligations and duties towards them. She was mad and told I insulted her because her friends are important to her. But her friends are hers. Not mine. Me not caring about her friends has nothing to do with our marriage.

I talked to my best friend about it and he agrees with me that it’s ridiculous for my wife to expect me to care about her friends. But my sister (who is part of my friends group) told her that while she gets where I’m coming from, I should bite my tongue and not say anything if I don’t have anything nice to say but I think that honesty is the best policy. That’s why I had to admit that I don’t care about her friends. Because why should i ? They won’t be here for me in tough times. I can only count on my actual long time Friends and my own family.

Why can't my wife just accept that we have different tastes when it comes to people who we have friendships with ?

I think you need to make an effort to understand that she wants her friends to like you and you’re making that impossible. I love when my friends say something nice about the man I love and live with.

It’s not about caring for your wife’s friends. It is about caring for your wife. She wants to go to some events with you. Give a little.

or be in another room and not come out while her friends are there.

This makes you sound like a sulking 2 year old.

Nothing wrong with popping your head out of the door to be polite for 5 minutes.

It's not so much the fact you're unsociable that would make me divorce you, it's because you're so rude.

Quite frankly she must be very embarrassed.

You sound like a nob. You don’t have to be best mates with them but you can be polite & show up for your wife when she needs it. It is probably embarrassing for her to explain where you are at events such as weddings when everyone else will be with their partners.

One of my friends husbands is like this. We all think he’s an arse 🤷‍♀️

This is about how much you care for your wife, not her friends.

You don't have to be best with them, or accept every invite, but to refuse to go to weddings? You sound sulky and selfish. Could you really not bear a day out with your wife, which would mean she'd enjoy it more?

Or is making a point / only caring about your own feelings more important to you than your wife being happy?

Sometimes we sacrifice things for the person we love. It sounds as though you aren't willing to do that, which makes you a pretty rubbish husband.

I don't think you need to care for your wife's friends.
Nor do I think you necessarily need to make an effort to hang out with her friends. I do think you really need to stop trying to actively avoid them though. Skipping her friends wedding? Making sure you are in another room? I would be embarrassed if my husband was behaving like this around my friends. You are making it very hard for her friends to have a positive opinion of you and she's probably finding it difficult knowing her friends think her husband is a bit of a dick

Lord I'd be mortified if DP acted like this.

Poor form to be skipping weddings and sending her alone. Not unreasonable to skip girls nights.

Yeah it's really poor behaviour.

Do you have any female friends? It seems a bit odd that you’re so concerned about the ratios. It seems very odd to me when people only have friends of the same sex as them, I’d find it a red flag.

The thought of hanging out with my wife and her friends and I am the only man there doesn't sound fun at all. Like I said in my original post, her friends are not my cup of tea.

You sound like a bad-mannered selfish oaf, OP. I hope she leaves you.

I see both sides.

She wants you more involved in her friendship group but she's inviting you to the wrong events.

I can see why you wouldn't want to be at the all girls nights out but anything for couples/spouses you should attend, especially the weddings.

You need to make more of an effort in appropriate circumstances.

Agree with this. Couples stuff yes, out with just her friends no.

But what about the birthday parties and weddings where there would be lots of other men? You sound really selfish.

Why ? All because I don't want to be around her friends? Why can't my wife enjoy her time with her friends and not be bothered about wether I am there or not ?

Why do you find it a red flag that people only have friends of the same sex ?

I'm going to tell you something that might blow your mind, that I had to spell out to my ex when we were discussing his lack of effort o birthdays and Christmases. You may need to sit down for this...........

It's not meant to be your cup of tea.

It's not about entertaining of being fun for you.

Other people's weddings aren't really designed for you specifically.

It's about.....wait for it..... YOUR WIFE !

It's about putting up with something for her benefit, once in a blue moon. How many weddings do you think you will have to attend, per year, in your life time eh? Shame on you for being so bloody stingy with you time that you wouldn't go with her to an event where most people will come with their partners. She had to go alone, like a single person, even though she's not single.

Again - it's not about you.

You also said that you didn’t want to go to group events so it’s not just about not wanting to be the only male there.

you are in a relationship sometimes you have to do things that aren’t your cup of tea. Your wife just wants you to take an interest.

I wouldn't dream of dragging my DH along to an event that was just my friends, nor him me. Going with our individual friends is about the only time we get peace from each other

And the weddings you’ve purposefully skipped when literally everyone else is in couples? That’s just plain rude and childish, you don’t need to hang around with all her friends but refusing to attend events like weddings on purpose is rude & selfish to your wife.

My ex used to be like this, in the end it was one of the reasons I left him, I was always doing everything on my own so I decided I might as well be.

Because her friend definitely now all think you are rude and a bit of a dick, which is a problem for her because it means if she ever seeks support from her friends about your relationship then they are going to be coming from a place of not having a high opinion of you. Also she's probably embarrassed that her friends can all see you actively avoiding them.

Also regardless of what you think ultimately your wife has expressed to you here something that makes her feel bad and sad and yet you want to make no effort here because it would make your wife happy. That's a problem in its own right.

Just make sure you go to big events where couples go. Pop in and say hello while her friends are there before going to do your own thing etc. you don't have to spend all your time with her friends but you can make a bit more effort.

I don't expect my DP to 'care' for my friends. However I do expect him to care about the fact I have friends and that I care about them. I do understand that sometimes it's awkward, eg going as a couple to meet up with work colleagues can be painful. But you were downright rude to skip weddings. Weddings can be very couple-y and very awkward if you're the only singleton, even more so if you're married but your spouse 'skips' the wedding.

You seem to be taking the view -"my way or the highway" which isn't the best way to conduct a life-long relationship. Marriage is about give and take and yes sometimes you have to do things which you would rather not for the sake of your spouse. Re the weddings you skipped - your pleasure here was bought off the back of your wife's enjoyment of having you by her side for her friend's wedding.

An honest question - do you actually like spending time with your wife ? Seriously - do you ?

Do you actually like your wife?

To answer your question about red flags. It's a red flag (along with some other things you have said) that you are a misogynist who doesn't respect women, your wife being one of the women in question. You want to spend time with men only, which you have more or less said overtly.

So it's not that you don't like her friends, you don't like women. You have lumped them all into one group labeled, 'i don't like them and don't want to spend time with any of them, what do I have in common with any of them'

It's particularly strange that you have come to Mumsnet to ask this. One of the only prominently female spaces online. Why on earth would you care about what we have to say?