My wife is mad at me when I admitted I didn't care about her friends. Why is she so upset ?

[angelo111]

Me and my wife have been married for 5 years.

For context, I don't downright hate her friends but they aren't my cup of tea either. They aren't the type of people I am willing to hang out with and care to get to know and I do my best to see them as little as possible. Overall I am socially selective. I don't just hang out with anybody.

When my wife have friends over, I always know ahead of time when her people are suppose to come over. I told my wife to always tell me when she will have friends over. So that way I’ll be able to make plans with my own friends or be in another room and not come out while her friends are there. And I always turned down her friends birthday invitations. I even managed to skip a couple of weddings. The first wedding I’ve skipped was 2 years ago. Instead of going to the wedding, I went for a weekend trip with my dad and 4 brothers and 2 of his guy friends and had a great time. The second wedding was a year ago and I managed to skip because it happened to be one of my brothers birthday so I went to the party.

Yesterday was one of her friends birthday and my wife kept trying to get me to tag along but I didn’t want to be with a bunch of ladies . She told me that her friends male cousins would be there but it wouldn’t make me feel comfortable because I don’t know them and i checked her Instagram story from when she was at the birthday party and it seemed that there was more girls then guys and I’m glad I didn’t go because it looks more like a bachelorette then a birthday party. But my wife have been giving me grief and she tells me that I’m anti social and her friends are starting to find it weird that they never see her with me and some of them think i hate them. But I told her that I don’t hate them but I don’t really care about them because I’m married to her, not them and I have no obligations and duties towards them. She was mad and told I insulted her because her friends are important to her. But her friends are hers. Not mine. Me not caring about her friends has nothing to do with our marriage.

I talked to my best friend about it and he agrees with me that it’s ridiculous for my wife to expect me to care about her friends. But my sister (who is part of my friends group) told her that while she gets where I’m coming from, I should bite my tongue and not say anything if I don’t have anything nice to say but I think that honesty is the best policy. That’s why I had to admit that I don’t care about her friends. Because why should i ? They won’t be here for me in tough times. I can only count on my actual long time Friends and my own family.

Why can't my wife just accept that we have different tastes when it comes to people who we have friendships with ?

Making her go to weddings without you is just shitty imo.

Tough.

You're supposed to suck this sort of thing up a bit when married. It's called common courtesy.

Does she bail out in the same way when your dubious mate and skanky family turn up. She grins and bears it just as you're supposed to do when her odd balls turn up.

She’s made a bad choice.

You don’t have to like them - but they are an expression of your wife as a person, so avoid being rude about them.

Saying you don’t care about them, staying in your room and not coming out when they are over and dodging two weddings is rude. You wouldn’t talk about her family like this, or behave like this (I hope) so don’t do it with her friends.

It’s fine to explain they aren’t your cup of tea and not go out for drinks with them, but come out and say Hi and have a quick chat when they come round, turn up to their weddings, and don’t tell your wife you don’t care about them - you care about her, and they are an extension of her. If you want a marriage and a family there will be stuff you don’t like that you have to put up with.

Because I would have the impression that you don’t see people as individuals, you would have strong gender stereotypes, and you dislike women except for those you want to have sex with. I may be wrong, but this has been my experience of people who only have friends of the same sex. They’re rarely sociable or charming, from my experience and I am attracted to people who have a wide range of interests and are able to socialise with all kinds of people and treat them as individuals.

This doesn’t bode well long term OP. A marriage doesn’t succeed in a void, it’s supported by a wider community.

No idea why your wife would want you tagging along on nights out with her friends , I find that an odd expectation. Making arrangements with your own friends if hers are coming round, also reasonable. Hiding in a room when they come round = rude if you don’t even say hello and make small talk for five minutes. Not attending events together, such as a wedding is a bit strange.

Rude

I think you bought this on yourself by not going to the weddings. Everyday social things I can understand but missing weddings doesn't put you in a favourable light. Do you have other things to moan about or just this?

Is this thread a piss take OP?!

Why would you automatically dislike someone with tattoos, piercings (and darklashes?!) - none of that says anything about them as a person, does it?

I have a friend who had a husband like this.

Whenever we went out as a group, she was always alone. When celebrating her achievements, he'd suggest they stay in, or he'd wait at home for when she was back. He did, however, attend our weddings. Even he knew that was a line not to be crossed.

They obviously are now divorced and he is still the same, except now he's single.

He also couldn't understand why he had to do things he didn't enjoy in order to make his wife happy.

Maybe you're just too different in your expectations.

Would you think the same thing if a woman only has female friends?

My ex husband was difficult like this. It was embarrassing and I was always making excuses for his behaviour. It was really stressful. Of course you don't have to mix with them all the time and that's fine, but I think you should make an effort and be supportive of your wife. That's just normal in a marriage surely?

By saying "I don't care about your friends" you are saying "I don't care about the people and the things that are very important to you".

I hope you can see the problem with that.

You lost me at "her people"

I'm not sure about the whole needing female friends thing but your confusion does probably speak to the fact you have four brothers. Just fake some social skills. Be the person who gets people drinks or starts the barbecue, give yourself a role in the situation and you'll be fine.

In case you need me to spell it out. You are clearly communicating, on the regular, "I don't care about you"

Unless you change things pronto, this relationship isn't going to last.

Because she doesn't.

And that's OK. She doesn't have to justify it.

You now need to decide whether you are going to do anything to meet this desire of your DW. You don't have to understand it, just respect that it matters to her.

You don't have to go along to everything, of course. But it's really uncaring of you to seek to do nothing for her on this one at all.

Just bat it out. Nobody should have to do what they don’t want to do.

Your wife should understand that. Just don’t expect to impose your friends / social life on her.

Hey so @angelo111 you've had heaps of people explaining why your wife is upset.

Are you going to take the information you asked for on board or just argue with people about why she and they are wrong and you're right?

That's not the parallel question though, is it?

The woman's own friends might be all female, but that has no bearing whatsoever on going out from time to time with her DH, his mates and their partners and wives. Especially if he's said that's something that matters to him.

This is about consideration and give and take, and doing things your spouse really appreciates sometimes, even when it's something that's not your cup of tea.

Which is more important to you? Pleasing your wife or arguing into the ground over this?

Why is it that that old Oasis song, 'Married with Children', popped into my head the moment I read this thread?

I understand where you’re coming from but it’s considered rude to ignore people in your home because it feels unwelcoming and uncomfortable for visitors. You should, out of respect for your wife and just for people in general, pop out and say hello and “enjoy your evening” or something along those lines. Even better if you call them by name and ask how is everyone.

My ex husband was like you. It was one of the reasons I divorced him.

You sound incredibly immature and selfish. Would an afternoon / evening with a group of women kill you? No, it wouldn't but it would mean the world to your wife.

"In fact I never really ask if she wants to come with me..."

Wtf is wrong with you?
Do you even like her?