My wife is mad at me when I admitted I didn't care about her friends. Why is she so upset ?

[angelo111]

Me and my wife have been married for 5 years.

For context, I don't downright hate her friends but they aren't my cup of tea either. They aren't the type of people I am willing to hang out with and care to get to know and I do my best to see them as little as possible. Overall I am socially selective. I don't just hang out with anybody.

When my wife have friends over, I always know ahead of time when her people are suppose to come over. I told my wife to always tell me when she will have friends over. So that way I’ll be able to make plans with my own friends or be in another room and not come out while her friends are there. And I always turned down her friends birthday invitations. I even managed to skip a couple of weddings. The first wedding I’ve skipped was 2 years ago. Instead of going to the wedding, I went for a weekend trip with my dad and 4 brothers and 2 of his guy friends and had a great time. The second wedding was a year ago and I managed to skip because it happened to be one of my brothers birthday so I went to the party.

Yesterday was one of her friends birthday and my wife kept trying to get me to tag along but I didn’t want to be with a bunch of ladies . She told me that her friends male cousins would be there but it wouldn’t make me feel comfortable because I don’t know them and i checked her Instagram story from when she was at the birthday party and it seemed that there was more girls then guys and I’m glad I didn’t go because it looks more like a bachelorette then a birthday party. But my wife have been giving me grief and she tells me that I’m anti social and her friends are starting to find it weird that they never see her with me and some of them think i hate them. But I told her that I don’t hate them but I don’t really care about them because I’m married to her, not them and I have no obligations and duties towards them. She was mad and told I insulted her because her friends are important to her. But her friends are hers. Not mine. Me not caring about her friends has nothing to do with our marriage.

I talked to my best friend about it and he agrees with me that it’s ridiculous for my wife to expect me to care about her friends. But my sister (who is part of my friends group) told her that while she gets where I’m coming from, I should bite my tongue and not say anything if I don’t have anything nice to say but I think that honesty is the best policy. That’s why I had to admit that I don’t care about her friends. Because why should i ? They won’t be here for me in tough times. I can only count on my actual long time Friends and my own family.

Why can't my wife just accept that we have different tastes when it comes to people who we have friendships with ?

What a miserable-sounding marriage your wife is apparently tolerating. It sounds so old-fashioned and based on gender stereotypes. Obviously there's no need to be joined at the hip, but it's a pretty shit social life if you can't socialise with your husband/wife with shared friends. Tbh I wouldn't have wanted to marry someone who had the kind of friends I wouldn't want to hang out with. Or have an 'I just do girlie stuff with my girl friends, you just do manly stuff with the boys' relationship. Depressing and sexist.

Honestly op my jaw is still on the floor about how you sent her all alone to her friends weddings. Shameful behaviour. Seriously do you not feel pathetic? Because you should. What kind of man does that?!

Maybe you have redeeming features...but seriously, it's just so low and scummy.

I got my own squad and she got her own squad And yet no sense of cringe?

You’re quite right; there is no obligation for you to like or care about her friends. Sadly for you, there is an obligation for you to like and care about your wife. And that includes doing things for her that you wouldn’t necessarily choose to do if you weren’t with her, like welcoming her friends into your home and accompanying her to couples events, like weddings, so she’s not left feeling like her friends are comparing their nice husbands to the rude little man she married.

Grow the fuck up and stop behaving like a sulky teenager.

how embarrassing for her, what must they think of you

She's not a toddler is she? She doesn't need to be accompanied or her hand held by another adult.

There have been a few posts like this, same phrasing , a bit like English is not the persons first language or an approximation of what a husband would sound like and all of them berating the wife with words that sound very odd.

Just because her friends aren't my cup of tea doesn't mean I am criticizing her choice of friends

By overtly avoiding them you're being critical.

You're also demonstrating misogyny and anti-female bias.

I take it you managed to attend your own wedding? Were there couples there?

You're an embarrassment to your unfortunate wife.

I feel sorry for your wife!! She deserves better.

Comes to an advice page , accepts no advice.

Well done for setting boundaries and sticking to them.

Why are you with your wife when you clearly don’t care about her? Making even low-level effort with the people in her life that she cares about is just basic and you’re unwilling to do even that.

You sound miserly, rude and boring. I dare say that your self-centred behaviour probably extends much further than your blatant refusal to try to integrate with her friends. I’d be very interested to hear her side of the story. Your lack of self awareness is staggering.

Things don’t always have to be fun. As a partner you’re also supposed to be there for the other person. You wife wants you to go somewhere with her. She wants you to make an effort to get to know her friends, she wants you to make an effort to be sociable. She doesn’t ALWAYS want to go on her own, she doesn’t ALWAYS want to have to make excuses for why the man she married never accompanies her.
There are a lot of things that one should do as a partner which are not fun, but where you’d be a massive arse if you refused to do them because they’re “not fun” or you don’t enjoy it. Social events isn’t the highest on that list, but you are being an arse if you never go when your wife wants you by her side. With respect, stop being so self centred (or be kind to your wife and divorce her).

My DH and I have our own friends and tend to socialise separately but we do some things with each others friends occasionally eg weddings, Christmas lunches etc. I know my friends aren't his cup of tea but he makes the effort and is always friendly.

You need to make more effort.

My ex husband was like this.
I remember getting a wedding invitation and wondering who I would bring as my plus one and then realisation hit me like a truck that as a married woman I shouldn't have to think like that.

You don't have to like her friends, you don't have to spend lots of time with them.
You really should accompany your wife to events and at least be polite to her friends when they're around rather than hiding in another room (my ex used to do this too and it made everyone uncomfortable)
His attitude towards my friends is one of the (many) reasons he is an ex.

It not about NEED. No one wants to go to a wedding all alone when they have a partner.
Hell even solo people often try to couple up for these things.

Everyone will assume the two aren't getting on and she'll get pitying looks all evening. I don't know why anyone would do that to their partner. She must feel so lonely.

Is this a reverse?

Don't be an arse! Wedding invites are for the couple, you ditching her to go on her own is a very public I-don't-care-about-my-wife statement. Clearly, you will not be the only man there. Grow up.

I’m a wife and my husband doesn’t exit the house for social events other than family weddings or funerals.
if I have people over he will shout ‘hi’ down the stairs and pop his head in when he comes down for snacks or drink and say hi

he hates socialising and doesn’t enjoy it at all. so I appreciate the effort he puts in to say hello.

the trade off is that he has to then have me recant word for word including all the tangents all the gossip.

I would not expect him to come with me while I went out for a meal with my friends of any gender as I hang out with neighbours that I share interests with.

why does your wife want you to go with her? What are her insecurities? I have attended events solo even when my friends husbands were there. Good friends don’t give a shit. Plus I had a built in babysitter every single time! It was fab!

I do wish that he would go out for a meal with just me but he dislikes it. However he will cook a nice dinner for me instead and tidy the kitchen afterwards after a busy week which is more than enough.
I don’t understand why people are saying you hate women. There are plenty of women on here complaining that their man goes out with female friends

Once in a while you have to do things to please your partner, for them, not for you. You don't have to make friends with them, just be a good host and make a bit of friendly conversation. If my DP has friends over who I don't particularly want to hang out with, I'll make them drinks and have a bit of a chat.

Honestly, hiding in the other room is just rude. Make a tiny bit of effort and get a happy partner.

Its like putting up with your partners much loved family who annoy the shit out of you. You do it because you care about your partner.

Everyone will assume the two aren't getting on and she'll get pitying looks all evening.

This sounds like a you problem (to quote DD). Neither me or OH get that or feel lonely.

Braved an event for his sake recently(we do that for each other once in a blue moon), all I can say is thank fuck DD was there !

You’re just very selfish! You are totally not thinking about your wife in this. So what if her friends are not your cup of tea? She’s going to weddings alone and no doubt having to make excuses up as to why you, her HUSBAND, is not there. How uncomfortable and awkward for her. You are so self centred that you cannot give up any ‘you time’ to enjoy being together with other couples. 🚩

I agree that going to a girls night out would be a bit odd but not attending weddings, and ignoring guests (of any variety) in your own home is downright rude.

I bet she’s embarrassed, and if you don’t start to think of a way to be more thoughtful and considerate on this, she’ll find someone who is socially acceptable at weddings and she won’t look back. Poor girl.

out of interest, do you expect her to attend weddings of your friends and family? Do you have any friends?

Gosh you sound horrible

I rarely add to a MN pile-on but will make an exception in this case.

as others have said, being in a partnership with you wife means taking her wishes and desires on board. You don’t have to like her friends. She doesn’t have to like yours. But, if you love someone, sometimes it means you just have to suck it up and do what makes them happy. Because you care.

OP, don't worry about it, you do you....just don't be surprised when your wife does the same and leaves you x