My wife is mad at me when I admitted I didn't care about her friends. Why is she so upset ?

[angelo111]

Me and my wife have been married for 5 years.

For context, I don't downright hate her friends but they aren't my cup of tea either. They aren't the type of people I am willing to hang out with and care to get to know and I do my best to see them as little as possible. Overall I am socially selective. I don't just hang out with anybody.

When my wife have friends over, I always know ahead of time when her people are suppose to come over. I told my wife to always tell me when she will have friends over. So that way I’ll be able to make plans with my own friends or be in another room and not come out while her friends are there. And I always turned down her friends birthday invitations. I even managed to skip a couple of weddings. The first wedding I’ve skipped was 2 years ago. Instead of going to the wedding, I went for a weekend trip with my dad and 4 brothers and 2 of his guy friends and had a great time. The second wedding was a year ago and I managed to skip because it happened to be one of my brothers birthday so I went to the party.

Yesterday was one of her friends birthday and my wife kept trying to get me to tag along but I didn’t want to be with a bunch of ladies . She told me that her friends male cousins would be there but it wouldn’t make me feel comfortable because I don’t know them and i checked her Instagram story from when she was at the birthday party and it seemed that there was more girls then guys and I’m glad I didn’t go because it looks more like a bachelorette then a birthday party. But my wife have been giving me grief and she tells me that I’m anti social and her friends are starting to find it weird that they never see her with me and some of them think i hate them. But I told her that I don’t hate them but I don’t really care about them because I’m married to her, not them and I have no obligations and duties towards them. She was mad and told I insulted her because her friends are important to her. But her friends are hers. Not mine. Me not caring about her friends has nothing to do with our marriage.

I talked to my best friend about it and he agrees with me that it’s ridiculous for my wife to expect me to care about her friends. But my sister (who is part of my friends group) told her that while she gets where I’m coming from, I should bite my tongue and not say anything if I don’t have anything nice to say but I think that honesty is the best policy. That’s why I had to admit that I don’t care about her friends. Because why should i ? They won’t be here for me in tough times. I can only count on my actual long time Friends and my own family.

Why can't my wife just accept that we have different tastes when it comes to people who we have friendships with ?

I agree with this. I wouldn't expect OP to necessarily be present when his wife has a houseful of female guests, and even then, he should say hi and be polite before going out himself or taking himself off to another room. I don't think there's anything wrong with that particularly. However, avoiding couples social situations and weddings is a whole new ballgame. Regardless, that's the sort of stuff you should do as a couple and I feel for her that she's had to attend weddings on her own. Embarrassing and rude IMO.

OP I think you would do well to learn to compromise better.

I get both sides. I like about two thirds of my DP's friends. Well, maybe more. But he has a group who are decent people but not for me. Just very different values and personalities and they grate on me at times. I wouldn't choose them as friends. I understand you wouldn't choose your partner's friends either, fine.

However, I think it's pretty miserable to opt out completely or make an uphill struggle of socialising with people she cares about at all when it's something that matters to her. I mean, of course you don't have to but it doesn't seem a huge sacrifice, and compromise is really important in making relationships run smoothly and one another feel valued.

Not saying be a fully paid up member of her friendship group but I think it's churlish to skip a wedding or other major occasion (without a reason other than 'i don't want to go ') unless they've seriously offended you.

I am a big believer in mixed friendships however I can see why you might not like to be the only partner at a brunch or whatever for a female friendship group. I think fine not to go to that.

But look, can you agree to attend major occasions such as weddings and a certain number of smaller social gatherings with her? If not, why not? Is it anything to do with your purported 'social selectivity'? Do you consider yourself better than your partner's friends?

When they come over, say hello, ask after them, chat for five minutes and excuse yourself. That's fine. You don't have to be present for every part of every interaction but hiding away looks rude or odd.

Do you struggle generally with social interaction, making conversation with people you don't have much common ground with (call it 'i hate small talk' if you must)? Otherwise what is the contemptuous note about?

Yes I pretty much agree with all of this. I’m not sure why people are so fixated on the weddings. I really couldn’t care less about weddings. But we’ve both been to weddings alone - in my case I didn’t have a +1, in his case I just didn’t want to go. It’s not a big deal. No one was like OMG WHERE IS YOUR PARTNER? “Sorry, they couldn’t make it” is all you need to say if anyone asks. I think the more casual occasional pub trips or birthday parties are actually more important for partners to dip into occasionally as that’s when you really get to know people in a more relaxed setting. But OP the tattoos and piercings comment was just sexist and stupid and not even saying hello to her friends when they visit is rude, so on the whole YABU.

I was married to a man who didn't care to get to know my friends and made every excuse to avoid social encounters with them. This attitude extended to other areas of what should have been our shared life together as husband and wife.

I left him.

This was one of the things that I raised with my partner recently, when I wrote down a few things that I felt I needed him to work on (and there are several things I know I need to work on too - don't get me wrong - every good relationship has to be a work in progress!)

I said I wanted him to show more of an interest in my friends.

For me, that doesn't mean he actually needs to spend time with them. I value time with them on my own. It's more about how he listens/speaks about them.

And to be fair, he is making the effort with that since I raised it.

It's not that I want to bang on about my friends and their problems 24/7.

But if used to be that I didn't even bother mentioning it if one of my close friends was going through problems, because i knew he would either just ignore me or (even worse) say something judgemental or critical about them.

Since I raised it as an issue, now I feel that, if I get a text from one of my friends saying something shit has happened in her life, I can mention it and he will at the least listen sympathetically, maybe even contribute a useful opinion or bit of information. (For example my best friend's mom has a new health issue - when I mentioned it to my partner a couple of days ago, turned out he knew more about that issue than me and could tell me a bit about it. Another friend is doing internet dating at the moment - when I have mentioned a few of her struggles to him he has contributed a useful male perspective).

Just wondering if, actually, this is what your wife needs from you OP. Not necessarily you spending a load of time with her friends. Just speaking about them kindly when she brings them up.

You'd be amazed the difference that can makes. If you love someone, as we women tend to love our friends, it's nice to feel the person you love most in the world apart from your kids (hopefully, your partner) can listen and give non -judgemental advice when you speak about that person.

On the other hand, if you make it clear that you hold her friends in contempt she will feel that she can't really discuss them and their issues with you. And you'd be surprised how stifling that can feel.

Women tend to "gossip" more than men. By "gossip" I don't mean bad stuff - I mean we talk more about people, feelings, relationships, emotions. It's not a bad thing. It's how we help make sense of a difficult world.

If you love her, just show a respectful interest in her friends and their concerns. You may be amazed how happy that makes her!

You should go to weddings, I'd be embarrassed having to single because my husband couldn't be bothered.
Girls nights are different.. Me and my husband have our own separate friendships and socialise separately for the most part but to hide in another room is rude.
Would it really hurt to pop your head in and say a quick hello or go to the odd Barbecue?

Because they’re ill-mannered oafs who view women as another species and drag their knuckles when they walk?

F

Make an effort.

Be polite.

Consider her feelings.

Be there so she's not the only one by herself.

Show an interest in someone other than yourself.

Be aware the way you behave to and around her friends reflects on her.

Stop being like this.

Frankly you sound immature and ungracious.

Go and ask her just how much she does, goes along with, puts up with ...

For your sake.

Because you like it, love it, enjoy it.

Things she might prefer not to do. If she had a choice.

Hobbies, activities, bedroom stuff, food, people you associate with, the programmes you watch together, etc.

You may be surprised.

It sounds like you just don't like socialising with women?
I'm getting the impression the only thing wrong with her friends is the fact they're female?
If I was her I'd be questioning why you find female company so intolerable?

My exhusband had the same opinion as you and I just found it so embarrassing and really hurtful he was so dismissive of my friends. I was also really hurt he made such a fuss of one friends wedding. It wasn't that he needed to be there all the time, but to at least say hello if they were around and not behave in a way that made it so obvious he was trying to avoid at all costs.
As for speaking to your best friends, its your wife your supposed to be talking too.
Obviously, if you care about your wife you need to compromise a little.
Thankfully for her if you were ever to divorce she has a strong group of friends around her who will support her, I'm pretty sure they feel the sameway by now about you.

Excellent post! I’d add, alongside this: you obviously don’t compromise on this. What do you compromise on? What things do you do that would prefer not to, just because you love your wife and you’re in things together? If you can’t think of much, you’ve got a problem.

Do you and your wife socialise together? Or do you just both go out with your own squads? What do you do together just the two of you?

You need to be willing to compromise and make an effort to show interest in the people your wife cares about. I understand that people have different personalities and clashes can occur. Especially when it comes to what one or the other views as socialising. However, not compromising can cause issues in your relationship.
Suck it up buttercup.

OP what was going through your head when you decided to get married? To me occasional socialising with a partner's friends and family is an essential part of being in a commited adult relationship even if these aren't the people you'd choose to spend time with.

I don't think all people are suited to relationships to be honest. If you're so insular that you can't cope with this you're probably better off staying single.

You came on a female dominated forum to complain about your wife's friends?
I don't like hanging out with my friends' husbands either. But if I go around I always say hello and ask how they are and maybe a question or two about whatever it is they are interested in. Because that's what decent human beings do.
Sure no one is expecting you to be the solo male on a women's night - ugh nothing worse than a guy who can't participate and blatantly doesn't want to be there - but a mixed thing? A wedding? Jeez man up buddy. Support your wife and show her friends she didn't marry an asshole.

If the OP's wife is inviting him to hang out with a load of girls then I can see why he'd not want to go. It seems the other friends aren't taking DHs or boyfriends so why is his wife so insistant that he attends? My DH would not have wanted to go on a girls' night out either! The wedding situation is different. The OP should definitely support his wife at special occasions.

It's odd that all your wife's friends 'arent your kind of people'. The fact they're all her friends suggests she's not your kind of people herself.

When it's just your wife getting together with her female friends, then would be peculiar for you to be cajoled to join them as a lone partner. But when their other halves are involved as well, as couples socialising, you should probably bite your tongue and go along with it.

It is very controlling behaviour to say ‘I don’t care about your friends’, because ultimately it distills into saying ‘I don’t care about the people who matter to you’.Now having been told that, how can any partner feel at ease with the ordinary toing and froing of life and and social interaction? You maybe indifferent to people, you may tolerate people, but when in a committed relationship, to write off a swathe of people who matter to your partner, is arrogant, unhelpful and undermining of your partner’s welfare.

I think you sound like a totally selfish dickhead if I’m being honest.

Overall I am socially selective. = a snob.

Skipping the weddings was poor show. I don't think i'd stay with a husband who let me go alone to my friends wedding.

You're selfish mate. And she will leave you if you keep this shit up. Its so disrespectful. Your wife deserves better. Pull your head out of your ass dude.

You'll be back going 'I don't understand where I went wrong, she suddenly left me, there're no signs'. There are signs now!!!!!

She's literally telling you you make her feel lonely and unsupported. Your wife is sad because of you. Doesn't that make you feel anything?

'My friend agrees with me'. Ugh. Well maybe you aught to look for honest friends rather than 'yes men'. I heard a relationship coach guy on YouTube say whenever he and his wife fight, he talks with someone who he knows will take HER side. Because he wants to be encouraged to see his partners perspective. Because its a partnership!

You seem intent on being mad at your partner. And blind to her needs. You need to fix that.

I don’t think it’s even that, actually. The OP seems to be avoiding them because he ‘doesn’t want to hang out with a bunch of ladies’ or do ‘lady equivalent activities’, among which he seems to include weddings, even if that’s the ultimate mixed-sex activity in the vast majority of cases.

To avoid the girly wedding, he went to the lengths of booking a trip away with his dad, four brothers and two ‘guy friends’ for extra maleness. God knows why he married a woman if he regards the female sex with such evident fear and horror. Or is it only because one imagines he’s equally horrified by the alternatives to having sex with a woman?

I'd be embarrassed at this.
You're in a relationship. This means that (shock horror!) You have to think about your wife, rather than just yourself, in situations like this.

I'd be so embarrassed to be married to someone like this. What a selfish man you sound.