My wife is mad at me when I admitted I didn't care about her friends. Why is she so upset ?

[angelo111]

Me and my wife have been married for 5 years.

For context, I don't downright hate her friends but they aren't my cup of tea either. They aren't the type of people I am willing to hang out with and care to get to know and I do my best to see them as little as possible. Overall I am socially selective. I don't just hang out with anybody.

When my wife have friends over, I always know ahead of time when her people are suppose to come over. I told my wife to always tell me when she will have friends over. So that way I’ll be able to make plans with my own friends or be in another room and not come out while her friends are there. And I always turned down her friends birthday invitations. I even managed to skip a couple of weddings. The first wedding I’ve skipped was 2 years ago. Instead of going to the wedding, I went for a weekend trip with my dad and 4 brothers and 2 of his guy friends and had a great time. The second wedding was a year ago and I managed to skip because it happened to be one of my brothers birthday so I went to the party.

Yesterday was one of her friends birthday and my wife kept trying to get me to tag along but I didn’t want to be with a bunch of ladies . She told me that her friends male cousins would be there but it wouldn’t make me feel comfortable because I don’t know them and i checked her Instagram story from when she was at the birthday party and it seemed that there was more girls then guys and I’m glad I didn’t go because it looks more like a bachelorette then a birthday party. But my wife have been giving me grief and she tells me that I’m anti social and her friends are starting to find it weird that they never see her with me and some of them think i hate them. But I told her that I don’t hate them but I don’t really care about them because I’m married to her, not them and I have no obligations and duties towards them. She was mad and told I insulted her because her friends are important to her. But her friends are hers. Not mine. Me not caring about her friends has nothing to do with our marriage.

I talked to my best friend about it and he agrees with me that it’s ridiculous for my wife to expect me to care about her friends. But my sister (who is part of my friends group) told her that while she gets where I’m coming from, I should bite my tongue and not say anything if I don’t have anything nice to say but I think that honesty is the best policy. That’s why I had to admit that I don’t care about her friends. Because why should i ? They won’t be here for me in tough times. I can only count on my actual long time Friends and my own family.

Why can't my wife just accept that we have different tastes when it comes to people who we have friendships with ?

My husband doesn’t have anything in common with my friends either, and they aren’t people he would actively choose to spend time with. He still makes an effort with them though, attends events that they’re at, hosts them at our house etc. Why? Because he loves me, and it means a lot to me.
You won’t do something that would mean a lot to her, because you don’t want to. Your choice, but I wouldn’t be surprised if at some point down the line she decides she’s worth more than that.

Just be aware that if you keep making her go to events alone, there's a strong possibility (probability?) that she will realise she might as well just be alone.

Same.

I think you’re getting a hard time. For me it’s definitely not a red flag not to have friends of the opposite sex and on some threads on MN people have sometimes thought that’s unacceptable, so clearly there room for different views. It would seem odd to me to have a partner around when female friends come over, but you definitely should go with your wife to weddings and so on. It’s just what happens. You’re a couple.

Even if she is friends with a weird woman with tattoos and piercings and dark eye lashes

Oh hi it's me 🙋🏻‍♀️

I don't like some of my dh friends. One in particular makes my skin crawl but he comes with the others. He's a creep to women and I don't see why I should spend my time off with him.
I actively avoid any events and will continue to do so. I've played the dutiful wife and gone out when I've had too and tbh I shouldn't have too so stopped several years ago. My dh knows how I feel and just declines all couples events.
I'd rather pull my teeth out than spend time
with them so I don't, ever, and as I don't like them I don't care what they think of me.
My dh is ok with it and that's all that matters

Do you have a friend with an odd husband who won't even say hello when you are at her house? Who goes to weddings on her own because his brother is having a birthday?

OP sounds like he wouldn’t even go to a couples event with anything resembling good grace. Not only is it clearly something that upsets his wife, he has a total lack of curiosity about her wider circle. Anything with his wife’s friends - nah, not bothered. It’s such poor form to simply not bother, and to head off with a bunch of blokes (so assuming no social anxiety or shyness.)

Verdict: dick

When you try so hard to make it not look like a reverse to the point everything in your posts screams you are the wife and your husband is a MASSIVE BELLEND.

if You love someone you do things to make them happy. I have no interest in cars but go to car shows and enjoy watching him enjoy himself. If you love her then you make small talk with people, hold her hand and enjoy her happiness. Basically you share her life with her and she shares yours.

alternatively you do you and she will eventually find someone who does want to share her life.

If you don’t want to compromise please don’t get in a long term relationship again because give n take is pretty much the start point of any relationship

I don't know. I wouldn't care if my partner said this to me

so why won’t you go to weddings and parties which are attended by couples.? Why does she have to go on her own? Do you have any joint friends? Does she go to your friend’s events with you?

I think in the end if you literally don't like any of your partner's friends it might make her wonder if you like her at all.

My first husband was a bit like you and tbh it was painful. Him lurking in another room on the one time I dared bring friends to the house was awful. A lot of really good friends of mine literally never met him during our marriage. And the wedding/family event avoidance was also awful. Though it made me realise that although it was horrible coming up with excuses all the time why he wasn't there, actually it was increasingly a relief not to have him around. The occasional time he did deign to show up was even worse, with his visible boredom and intolerance on show. So I left him. The first Sunday I had on my own after that is still the happiest day of my life.

I really hope none of this relates to you and your wife. But I still don't understand why anyone wants to be with someone while disliking everything they like.

Perhaps you have a neurological disorder (ASD spectrum)? You seem otherwise and intelligent, articulate man, but you have serious issues around empathy. But actually your closing statement makes me think you are just a prick.

What do you actually do with your wife? You sound a bit socially awkward TBH at best and an insufferable dick at worst.

You should attend every now and then , especially bigger/couple events. It won't kill you, to show up, make some small talk and then, if you're really not enjoying any of it, withdraw in a corner or whatever and wait for a meal/whatever to break things up a bit.

Both me and OH are like you. However, once in a blue moon we still say yes to an event with each other's friends. It's fine, we even have fun sometimes.I'm sacrificing myself tomorrow.

We don't have any joint friends. I got my own squad and she got her own squad. She did go with me to my friends special events but I never force her to come with me. In fact I never really ask if she wants to come with me. She just says she is coming, I ask my friends if I can bring my wife and she comes.

It’s because she still likes you, and wants to spend time with the people she loves, all of them. Keep pulling this shit though, and she’ll soon prefer to spend time with her friends to your detriment.

Sounds like an absolutely pointless relationship. You don’t want her in your “life” and refuse to join her in “hers”. Not sure what either of you are getting out of it. Apart from I’d place a very big bet on her doing most of the heavy lifting at home. So you’re getting an unpaid housekeeper who you don’t really value very much - if you did you would want to do a very normal thing to keep her happy.

You really don’t sound very nice at all. I’m not surprised she’s mad at you. Hopefully she’ll translate that into finding a route out and then an upgrade who does give a shit about her. Because you clearly don’t.

In fact I never really ask if she wants to come with me

Jeez 😫

Tell your wife to come over to Mumsnet. We'll look after her.

This isn't about who you like or what you want. If you love your wife (am sure you do) then you will want to make her happy. To give you an idea - your reaction to her friends is really not normal. Regardless of whether her friends are your kind of people, other people would make the effort in your shoes out of respect for their partner. This is why her friends are raising it because your behaviour is a bit odd. It's good you've asked for advice on this and I hope this helps.

Wow, just get over yourself.

It wouldn't kill you to socialise with them once or twice a year, to keep your wife happy.

You're bound to find at least one other guy to chat shit to who might be as bored as you but delighted to see another man shape for an hour while his wife socialises.

My ex was like you, avoided social events with my friends, never made any effort to get to know them or their husbands. On the rare occasions he did come along, he made it clear he didn't really care to be there, and left as early as possible. I felt embarrassed of him acting like he was somehow above hanging out with my friends (though I think he actually secretly felt inferior to them).

I went to so many bbqs and birthday parties just by myself or with my kids. It was painful to see my friends' partners getting to know each other and forming friendships of their own, as I felt I became more isolated in the group.

Funny thing is, at one of those parties I met a lovely man, a single dad. Years later, after I became single, we got back in touch and are now together. It's nice being able to socialise together.

Make a bit of an effort, or you might find your wife realises life is more fun without you.

You are coming across as cold and uncaring.
Do you think your wife sees you like this?
If there is no give and take then I'd walk.
Too much about what you want and how you feel.

Why is she so upset ?

Because you're rude.