My wife is mad at me when I admitted I didn't care about her friends. Why is she so upset ?

[angelo111]

Me and my wife have been married for 5 years.

For context, I don't downright hate her friends but they aren't my cup of tea either. They aren't the type of people I am willing to hang out with and care to get to know and I do my best to see them as little as possible. Overall I am socially selective. I don't just hang out with anybody.

When my wife have friends over, I always know ahead of time when her people are suppose to come over. I told my wife to always tell me when she will have friends over. So that way I’ll be able to make plans with my own friends or be in another room and not come out while her friends are there. And I always turned down her friends birthday invitations. I even managed to skip a couple of weddings. The first wedding I’ve skipped was 2 years ago. Instead of going to the wedding, I went for a weekend trip with my dad and 4 brothers and 2 of his guy friends and had a great time. The second wedding was a year ago and I managed to skip because it happened to be one of my brothers birthday so I went to the party.

Yesterday was one of her friends birthday and my wife kept trying to get me to tag along but I didn’t want to be with a bunch of ladies . She told me that her friends male cousins would be there but it wouldn’t make me feel comfortable because I don’t know them and i checked her Instagram story from when she was at the birthday party and it seemed that there was more girls then guys and I’m glad I didn’t go because it looks more like a bachelorette then a birthday party. But my wife have been giving me grief and she tells me that I’m anti social and her friends are starting to find it weird that they never see her with me and some of them think i hate them. But I told her that I don’t hate them but I don’t really care about them because I’m married to her, not them and I have no obligations and duties towards them. She was mad and told I insulted her because her friends are important to her. But her friends are hers. Not mine. Me not caring about her friends has nothing to do with our marriage.

I talked to my best friend about it and he agrees with me that it’s ridiculous for my wife to expect me to care about her friends. But my sister (who is part of my friends group) told her that while she gets where I’m coming from, I should bite my tongue and not say anything if I don’t have anything nice to say but I think that honesty is the best policy. That’s why I had to admit that I don’t care about her friends. Because why should i ? They won’t be here for me in tough times. I can only count on my actual long time Friends and my own family.

Why can't my wife just accept that we have different tastes when it comes to people who we have friendships with ?

Look as you are hard of brain.

People want their partners to be well thought of by their social circle. It is nice to do things and attend events given by friends.

if you cannot get this basic concept then it is you who is odd.

please try, if you like and love your wife. To us, you sound like a boring arsehole and all her friends feel sorry for her that she married you

I'm in two minds on this one. It isn't a requirement that you like each other's friends but maintaining at least superficial civilities with guests under your roof is basic-level courtesy. I suspect there is a lot more to this than these friends simply not being OP's 'cup of tea'.

I don't involve my DH in any gatherings other than those with the two couples who have been our close friends for years, and who all host each other. Friendships with my close female friends are my own. DH says 'hello' if they're ever at the house and pauses for some brief pleasantries. That's all that's necessary. That said, I don't invite groups of people to our home on a regular basis. Depending upon the numbers and the regularity I see this could quickly get annoying, especially if these are people you don't necessarily like.

As for weddings, I don't personally see why attending these on your own is uncomfortable. As far as I'm concerned attending them on any pretext is tortuous and if I can possibly not go, then I won't. So I sympathise with OP on that score.

Where he loses me is with the statement that women with tattoos or piercings are 'weird'. Either that, or this is the point at which the thread jumps the shark.

This cannot be real

I don't think you have to make an effort with her friends. They're her friends, not yours. I do think you should be polite when they call around, and make small talk for 5 mins here and there, but that's it.

It kind of annoys me if my friends bring their partners with them sometimes as I feel like I can't be myself and have a girly chat.

What's wrong with dark eye lashes OP?

I've heard men judge women negatively for a lot of physical attributes, but that's a new one for me.

😂

You’re a self-absorbed twat.

Indeed. It sounds contrived and stilted. Batchelorette?..

It sounds American, as do various other aspects of OP's writing style.

Haven't read the full thread, just the OP's posts, but you sound like a dickhead, or asshole if you prefer, since some of your turns of phrase suggest you're American.

If you love someone then you generally spend some of your time doing things that make that person happy. It sounds like it would make your Wife happy if you attended the occasional wedding or get together with her friends. The fact that you can't bring yourself to do that for her suggests you don't have a great deal of love for your Wife, in which case why are you wasting her time?

My Husband is in a band. I'm as far from someone who likes live music in grungy pubs as you'd find but I go to his gigs, because I love him and want to support him and he likes it when I'm there. I simply can't imagine saying 'No actually I don't like that kind of night out so regardless of how you feel I'm never ever coming'. It screams main-character energy.

Ps.. I get that tattoos and piercings are personal taste (although not remotely 'weird') but WTF is wrong with dark eyelashes??

I think we have more US posters than of yore.

The times they post are also slightly different to when the site is busy here in UK

To give you the benefit of the doubt, are you neurodiverse? You do seem to deal with people like solving a logic problem, which just doesn’t work.

People’s friends say a lot about them and most are proud of the friends that they have made.

If you say someone’s friends are not your cup of tea, you are implicitly criticising their choices, so their taste. It is hurtful. That is fine for the odd friend, but not all of them.

And it is rude, if you are part of a couple, to not attend an event where others are all bringing their partners.

Ok thought this was boring but am now following to see if OP explains about the dark eyelashes

If this is real it is so sad for your wife! Just follow basic rules of politeness for her sake. I wouldn't normally say this but you sound like a 15 year old boy complaining about his girlfriend asking him to go to a school disco. Please read through our replies and consider the notion that you may be out of order. Or as a pp said, tell your wife to come on here and read a few threads.

Agreed

@CheeseWisely I think he means long thick obviously fake lashes.
Anyhow the OP's writing style is strange. I doubt that this is even real. Weddings are well known social events for both halves of a couple why moan about that.

You want to stay in another room or get yourself out of the house?

She is desperate for you to socialise with her mates?

You both sound like hard work, and really not suited @angelo111

I don't want my DH to be mates with my friends and socialise with them. On the other hand he isn't desperate to leave on the rare occasion they pop round. He just chats for a few minutes and then does his own thing.

My friends and I usually socalise out of the house... Do people really have their friends around and just stay in the house?! And do women really want their husbands to be pals with their friends?

As I said, you don't sound suited tbh.

I told my wife to always tell me when she will have friends over. So that way I’ll be able to make plans with my own friends or be in another room and not come out while her friends are there.

This sounds really weird, I don't think I know anyone who would do that.
You wouldn't even come out for 5 minutes to say hello (?)

No wonder they think you hate them

Is it lack of emotional intelligence, neurodiversity or learnt behaviour - was it acceptable in your family house?
Was your Dad like this?

My dh is always lovely with my friends if they come round. He happily opens fizz and chats to them even if it's meant to be a girly evening where he eventually wanders off. If invited out with their husbands he always comes and engages with everyone and has a nice time. Because he's not a miserable git.

I think it’s really weird when couples feel the need to hang out with each others friends.

You are separate people and don’t need to do everything together.

I think it’s fine that you don’t want to hang out with her friends and it’s fine if she doesn’t want to hang out with your friends.

However, this means a lot to her and it’s probably less about you hanging out with her friends and more about her just wanting to introduce you/show you off to her friends.

Friends do talk about their partners and it is nice to know your friends partners a little bit.
They may think you’re not a nice person and so she just wants to show that you are.

I would care that my DP cares and find a compromise.
Perhaps by joining them for a drink for an hour max or if they come over, staying out with them and asking how they are and get them a drink etc before then making yourself scarce.

This isn’t about caring about your wife’s friends.
It’s about caring about your wife’s feelings.

I understand some of your points (being the only man while they hand around or going to another room while they are at your house) but I would be annoyed by purposely skipping weddings. Those are events that's you can attend and have fun with, with your wife. My husband and I have had great times at my friend's weddings (even the friends he's not too keen on) because it's time we spend together. And I like having him there.

You sound very much like you're centering your own wishes over your wife's, all the time, over something that's actually really important to her. That's not behaving like a kind and considerate husband - it's behaving like a selfish pig of a husband who doesn't care enough about his wife to put himself out even slightly, ever.

I bet she does shit for you all the time that she'd rather not do. perhaps you've stopped noticing and are taking it for granted.

She wanted you to go to the weddings with her because you're her husband, the one human she has chosen to have by her side for the rest of her life. Her friends would have taken their partners, and she'd have probably spent the whole event feeling a bit sad and lonely that the man who she loves didn't want to keep her company. The same goes for the social events, all of them. You don't have to go to all of them, you don't have to be friends with her friends, but a good partner - husband or wife - would show their face and make polite small talk, even if it's a bit boring and with people that you wouldn't personally choose because it is important to their partner. You don't even really need to get why it's important if you really can't grasp that - you just have to want to do nice things for your partner. To be generous towards them and be willing to be slightly inconvenienced to do something nice for them.

I urge you to be more generous towards your wife in giving her the social partner that she is clearly asking you to be, even if you really can't bare to do it as often as she would like you to. because this really is a bigger deal to her than you think it is, and a marriage with no willingness to give to the other is very soon going to become a divorce if you're not careful.

You don't even acknowledge them.

Do I correctly detect some kind of contempt towards them?
Do you think that you are above them or something?

Or do they make you feel uncomfortable for some reason?

Respectfully OP, are you ND? I can understand better if you are. If not, you're just an arse whose marriage won't last.

This is very odd op.
Your behaviour is very unkind and not normal.
The options seem to me to be:

1. You are nd, eg autistic
2. You are being goady
3. This is some kind of ai bot trying to generate responses and replicate conversation (successfully in the former, failing at the latter).
4. You have a personality disorder and no empathy
5. You don’t actually care about your wife’s happiness
6. You just aren’t very nice and are very selfish.

I hope it is 2 or 3.