Advice needed, v complicated situation

[Frankiegrace]

I’ve been in a relationship for 8 years and we have a 3 year old son.
my partner is from France and we live in london, he goes to France for over 6 months of the year (partly work but long length of stay is a choice)
this puts pressure on me while he’s away as I’m alone in central london, his answer is ‘you can come to’
the problem is I don’t like spending a long time there, I take our child there for holidays at least twice per year.
my partner is now saying he wants to remain there to live and wants us all to live there (he is likely going whether we do or not)

I work in london and have friends there but I don’t have my family

I don’t know what is best anymore, shoukd I stay in central london and try and cope on my own, do I move to France? Do I move closer to my mum and main friends (Norfolk)

im really confused. I don’t want my ds to grow without his dad but I don’t have any desire or want to move to France and the fact that my partner will go regardless shows me we are not a priority

please. Had anyone had any situation remotely similar?

wants us all to live there (he is likely going whether we do or not)
Did he say this?
If so your relationship is over. Move to wherever you think you can best bring up your child.

This isn’t complicated at all for me, you’ve a ‘partner’ who only partners 1/2 the year and is willing to leave you for all of it and isn’t arsed about you and your child.

I’d be putting myself first. What do you want? Do you want London or Norfolk? What’s right for your child? Don’t drag out your life waiting on him to prioritise you, he already doesn’t and you deserve to live a happy life.

Move to Norfolk. If he isn’t willing to take your needs and wishes into account he isn’t a loving partner.

It would be Norfolk for me

I think it’s clear that your relationship is over. Your partner isn’t bothered about you or your son. He’s already leaving you both for six months of the year and doesn’t care about not being with you. Now he’s going to leave you permanently and he couldn’t care less.

It depends whether you want to continue living in London or whether you want to move back to Norfolk. Your life will probably be easier as a single mum with your mother and close friends around, so that’s what I’d do. Br careful your partner doesn’t try to take your child to France and keep him there!

He’s not your partner. Hes living a double life and doing whet he wants regardless of your feelings

Let him go to France.

In your shoes I would go to Norfolk to be nearer your family and put down roots for you and your son.

He is telling you loud and clear that you and your DS are not and never have been his priority.

I certainly wouldn’t be moving to France as once there for a while if you break up it would likely be very difficult to move back to the UK with your DS if your partner doesn’t agree.

So if you can work in Norfolk and have family and friends and support there then that is what I would do.

If you can get work in Norfolk I’d say move there, for support from your family.
And he’s selfish to put himself before his child.

Do not move to France. You’ll be trapped there. He will be able to prevent you from leaving.

Your relationship is over, he’s prepared to ditch you and your very small child for half the year, and now he’s prepared to go and leave you for good. You don’t want to move there. So don’t.

Go wherever you will feel most at home, be that staying in the city or Norfolk.

Before you decided to have DC, what conversation did you have about where your family would settle permanently? One of you has moved the goalposts here, but your post doesn’t clarify what the agreement was.

Well firstly, your choice is go with him or split up.

When you have decided that, you need a discussion about child custody arrangements.

And then where can you afford to live?

If you are living in central London, I am assuming you are well off? So if you are happy and settled in London and can afford it, why would you move? Norfolk is only two hours away, if that.

It’s not that complicated really.
It’s just emotions getting in the way.

Go to Norfolk. A much nicer place in the UK to bring up your little one. Near main friends too! Lovely.

Yes I should also mention and take responsibility for the fact that he has always had a desire to move back to France and this should have been discussed more carefully before our ds, he remains still wanting to go back and I remain still wanting to be in England. I guess I naively thought that once we had a child his plans would change

I don’t want my ds to grow without his dad..

He already is.

I am guessing that his dad is not particularly brilliant when he is with you otherwise there would have been a ‘he’s a fantastic dad when he’s here’ statement.

In Norfolk your son will have family who will probably be there all the time for him.

If your partner is away for half the year he is already growing up without his Dad. He can go to France for school holidays.

His position hasn't changed and it sounds like he has been really clear from the get go.

Unfortunately it looks like youve brought a child into the mix without being transparent about or fully discussing your (plural) long term life plans

You need to decide whatis most important to you and I think you either need to commit to giving life in france a go or split up and head for norfolk.

If you go for the french option I'd be sure my marriage (& id want the protection of marriage before moving) was in a good state and i had done an accelerated language course.
I think france is actually not a bad place to live! And it is pretty easy to get back to the uk.

Yes you’re absolutely right,and this makes it really hard because I feel so guilty and feel I would be depriving my ds of a father if I don’t just move with him. But at the same time I will be so unhappy in France, I spend at least 2 months of the year there and would continue to do so int my ds is old enough to go on his own. I am not happy there and I know I wouldn’t be happy living there. All just feels like a such a mess and ultimately it’s my own fault for not discussing this situation way ahead of time

Yes. He basically says he needs to live there and cannot stand to be in london and would feel out of place anywhere else but his own town. He doesn’t say in a horrible way but ultimately we either go or we don’t. He usually comes back after summer atound oct but he doesn’t want to this year. It’s also not set dates that he’s away, he goes when he’s ready and comes back when he likes to, but adds up to being away around 6/7 months atm

Has he been doing these 6-7 month French visits since the baby was born? Did he do it before the baby?

You are right. He is not hands on when he’s here. He does love him of course. But I do the bulk of everything even when he’s around

I would vote Norfolk, to have your village round you, but it depends how deep your London roots are I guess.

My dad did this. Half the year here and half the year in his country. He was never any sort of husband to my mum and I dreaded him coming home. I think you’re wasting your time. Move to Norfolk

I currently take ds there for around a month at Christmas and also in the summer because I can work from home. So I would continue to do so,
it would be quite hard financially to stay in London but the main issue being alone I guess

Unfortunately I think you’re the one at fault here OP. He believed the plan was for you both to move back to France. He’s not the one breaking up the relationship, you are. But honestly if you’ve been spending six months apart every year it’s probably doomed anyway. You want different things.

Try to do this amicably for the sake of your DS.