Advice needed, v complicated situation

[Frankiegrace]

I’ve been in a relationship for 8 years and we have a 3 year old son.
my partner is from France and we live in london, he goes to France for over 6 months of the year (partly work but long length of stay is a choice)
this puts pressure on me while he’s away as I’m alone in central london, his answer is ‘you can come to’
the problem is I don’t like spending a long time there, I take our child there for holidays at least twice per year.
my partner is now saying he wants to remain there to live and wants us all to live there (he is likely going whether we do or not)

I work in london and have friends there but I don’t have my family

I don’t know what is best anymore, shoukd I stay in central london and try and cope on my own, do I move to France? Do I move closer to my mum and main friends (Norfolk)

im really confused. I don’t want my ds to grow without his dad but I don’t have any desire or want to move to France and the fact that my partner will go regardless shows me we are not a priority

please. Had anyone had any situation remotely similar?

Exactly and realistically I don’t think he will really come every 6 weeks, he’s never been able to stick to what he says when he goes off for months, I cannot commit to that, I also have a life and have to work. But he is making me feel so guilty. But he can’t force me can he? He will be gone so he can’t make me go

He has no right to force you into everything. But he's evidently done a number on you so that you seem to think he has that power and you're feeling guilty. He's making the choice to leave and he has to make the arrangements to maintain his relationship with his son. It's not down to you - although you can and should be reasonable in enabling some of this. But insisting that you live where it suits him or that every holiday you take your son to him is unreasonable.

He can't force you, no.

And just a word of caution - if he's escalating with his unreasonable demands, please make sure you have your child's passport safely hidden where only you know where it is - just in case. Presumably he's going to leave soon and then you're free to make the arrangements that suit you and your child?

Of course he can’t force you! He can’t force you to spend your annual leave in France. He cannot force you to live in London. He cannot force you to ferry your child back and forth to France. He cannot force you to provide accommodation for him if he wants to visit his son.

Think very carefully before you agree to long-term plans, and how you might feel about those plans if you or he has a new partner and kids. Take it day by day, holiday by holiday.

He could go to court for a specific steps order to prevent you moving.

So nod along and then move. Courts very unlikely to make you move back.

That’s his choice to change his residency …it’s his choice to restrict being able to be with his son. None of that is down to you. He carries the consequences of that not you, because you are no longer in a relationship with him. You no longer have to think of him or his wants and needs. He left you both months and months ago. You have to think of your dc’s needs and your dc relies heavily on you so you must consider your own needs too.

Make your own choices OP…..for the two of you to give your son roots, family, and a secure childhood. What do you really want to do…where do you really want to be. That is the sensible thing to do for your son now the relationship is over. Your offer to your ex will be reasonable because you want dc to see his father regularly and that must be on your terms …not his unreliable terms. He could change his mind in a few months or meet somebody else and suddenly see things differently again.

You don’t have to explain any of it to him. He doesn’t get to dictate to you any more.
Time for you to also lay down the law for your own demands and you now tell him where he has to meet you half way with them.
Never forget it was he who left you both … remember that when you are considering what to do. He may well turn out to be a flaky father…just as he has shown you very clearly already
So you have to give your dc the best you can under the circumstances you are now presented with. It’s not his choice.
Go forward with confidence OP.

I say again, ….Reassure yourself by getting legal advice.

Time to toughen up OP.

Nod along. Let him go. Then move to wherever the hell you want to move to. No point having stressful arguments about this when he will be gone soon and you can do what you like. He can fly into Norwich airport surely? It’s not like there aren’t hotels in Norfolk etc.

He chose to have a child in the UK with someone from the UK so it is him who is separating himself from his son.

He can’t tell you to stay in London any more than you can tell him to stay in the UK.

In the meantime, post DC passport to your parents. You just never know.

💐

Of course he cannot force you.
Hide your childs passport.
He cant make you guilty for him fxxking off to France without your compliance.

You need to take responsibility for allowing yourself to be guilted by a controlling arse who suits himself.

Agree to nothing.
Stop putting this controlling manipulative arse ahead of the child he is abandoning.
Put your child first.
Of course you cannot agree to any of this.
You cannot legislate for the future.

He is leaving, let him off.

Multiple women have posted on this forum about how the father of their children has prevented them moving. If moving to Norfolk moves the child from an existing location where the father can visit to one where the child has never lived where the father can’t visit (and Norfolk is pretty difficult to get to), I can absolutely see the family courts preventing a move.

I’m absolutely not saying I agree with them doing so but I can see it happening.

I was under the impression that this is only the case when you’re moving the child away from where the father lives, ie, as OP’s ex lives in rural France, he can’t dictate that OP lives in London.

Either way, I’d advise OP to keep shtum until after her move.

@Frankiegrace

As others have said, he has no right to dictate terms. If you can come to an agreement, fine. If not then he can take you to court for a child arrangements order. But I find it hard to believe that any judge would order you to stay in London when the child's father has decided to live in France just because it would be 'convenient' for his visits. Especially when you have great family support in Norfolk.

And I know I don't live in the UK, but Norfolk isn't exactly Mars. According to Google Earth it's about 120 driving miles from London to Norwich which is pretty far into Norfolk. I assume there are trains, rental cars, buses. He can get there if he wants to, it's not on you to make it 'easy' for him. He's the one who's leaving, he can do the traveling, or he can pay transport and hotel for you and DS to come to London should you choose to do so.

And you are not 'depriving' DS of his father. His father is depriving him of his father, because HE is the one choosing to move.

As others have said, keep your plans to move to yourself. He cannot stop you so just keep stalling. Hopefully he'll bug off back to France with nothing concrete. Just don't sign anything! And put nothing in writing (text/email) that appears to agree to anything or that you are considering any of his suggestions as reasonable. Your constant refrain should be "I'll have to think about that".

If it would help you feel more secure, see a solicitor. Explain the situation to them, tell them his 'demands' and ask them how likely it would be that a judge would approve such an order. Ask them what would be reasonable in your situation then decide if you can live with that.

BTW, do you have DS's passport under lock and key? Best to get them out of the house (to a friend or relative's house). If you do not have the passport, cancel it unless you see yourself needing it in the near future. Ditto with his birth certificate, it needs to be in a secure location.