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Original poster

Advice needed, v complicated situation

135 replies

Frankiegrace · 10/08/2024 08:35

I’ve been in a relationship for 8 years and we have a 3 year old son.
my partner is from France and we live in london, he goes to France for over 6 months of the year (partly work but long length of stay is a choice)
this puts pressure on me while he’s away as I’m alone in central london, his answer is ‘you can come to’
the problem is I don’t like spending a long time there, I take our child there for holidays at least twice per year.
my partner is now saying he wants to remain there to live and wants us all to live there (he is likely going whether we do or not)

I work in london and have friends there but I don’t have my family

I don’t know what is best anymore, shoukd I stay in central london and try and cope on my own, do I move to France? Do I move closer to my mum and main friends (Norfolk)

im really confused. I don’t want my ds to grow without his dad but I don’t have any desire or want to move to France and the fact that my partner will go regardless shows me we are not a priority

please. Had anyone had any situation remotely similar?

OP posts:
Beefcurtains79 · 10/08/2024 11:11

Stravaig · 10/08/2024 10:27

Can you say more about why you can't be in France?

There's something quite childish about just saying you don't like it, as if it's a flavour of ice cream you can refuse. It's your child's relationship with their father, and with their wider paternal family, and one half of their cultural heritage at stake. It's also the understanding that was in place with your partner when you chose to have a child with him. It's a lot to take from your child on the basis of your 'don't like'.

It doesn't sound like you've ever spent enough time in France to make the transition, or even been fully committed to it. How is your French, would better language not skills help?

But there’s nothing childish about her husband saying he doesn’t like it in London?
Or deciding to abandon parenting duties because he prefers it elsewhere?
Yuck.

Conniebygaslight · 10/08/2024 11:13

Frankiegrace · 10/08/2024 10:19

I think because we have had so many talks about this now and I say he chooses to leave which is why our ds doesn’t see lots of him and he says it’s because I am choosing not to go with him

Show quote history

OP, if you moved to France would you come back to the uk without your DS for 6 months of the year because you’re homesick?
You’re being completely manipulated by this arse.

Conniebygaslight · 10/08/2024 11:15

Beefcurtains79 · 10/08/2024 11:11

But there’s nothing childish about her husband saying he doesn’t like it in London?
Or deciding to abandon parenting duties because he prefers it elsewhere?
Yuck.

Show quote history

Really…it’s clear she’s being manipulated and made to feel like it’s her fault he takes himself off for half of the year and doesn’t tell her when he’ll be back.
ooh but she should give France a go….

notsureicandoitagain · 10/08/2024 11:19

Frankiegrace · 10/08/2024 10:19

I think because we have had so many talks about this now and I say he chooses to leave which is why our ds doesn’t see lots of him and he says it’s because I am choosing not to go with him

Show quote history

I think first and foremost you need to look at the relationship you and your partner have. When you are together it does not sound like a partnership at all (in fact he sounds like a FWB, without the friends bit). What things does he (and you) do to prioritise the relationship between you? Where is the emotional investment, building a future together that you both want? Where is the stability?

Is your DS close to his dad? Do they have a strong bond? How is he when dad leaves and returns again after a long period of time? If they are close and you feel valued by your partner I think you'd be there like a shot. But you know this isn't what is happening and moving to France leaves you in a vulnerable position with a partner who isn't emotionally invested and a DS who isn't actively parented by his dad leaving you isolated.

So no, it's not you choosing not to go with him, it's how your 'relationship' isn't solid enough for you to know that going to France would be the right choice.

Stravaig · 10/08/2024 11:21

@Beefcurtains79 If it were OP's partner posting, he'd be getting his own version of straight talking.

However it's not, it's OP, and she appears to have chosen to have a child with a Frenchman who was always clear that he'd be living in France.

We don't know what conversations they had, who promised who what, or if they just never bothered talking about it before having unprotected sex and choosing to continue their pregnancy. Both parents have been equally irresponsible.

However, for the sake of their half-English half-French child, it seems worth exploring if OP has ever really made a go of it in France, and if her reservations are things that can be overcome, or are warning signals that need to be heeded.

MadeForThis · 10/08/2024 11:26

I wouldn't move to France. He doesn't even seem bothered if you go or not.

If you move there and it becomes your sons place of residence you may struggle to ever take him home to England if your dp objects.

DelphiniumBlue · 10/08/2024 11:27

Let’s be clear, he is choosing to be away from his son for more than half the year already, and he is not even prepared to plan properly so that you know when he will be around.
I f You were to move to France, which I am not advocating, would you even be able to work? Would you be in Paris or some rural place, isolated and dependent?
He is clearly not committed to you or your child, so I wouldn’t factor him in to your choice of whether to live in London ir Norfolk.

Miffylou · 10/08/2024 11:31

Since you know that you and your DS are not your partner's priority, I really really think you shouldn’t move to France. What if you did and he then left you?

Only you can decide whether to stay in London or move to Norfolk. If it was me I would want to be near friends and family but I don’t know your situation re jobs etc. Housing in Norfolk is certainly cheaper than housing in London, though.

User364837 · 10/08/2024 11:33

Having a partner to me means someone you hopefully love and want to spend time with. I’m confused as to whether you and your DP actually feel that way about each other?

User364837 · 10/08/2024 11:34

Do you believe he is going without sex and female companionship for 6 months of the year?
or does he have a partner there

Igmum · 10/08/2024 11:52

To those posters advising the OP to 'give it a go' in France - I would have strong reservations about this. There are plenty of emotional and relational reasons not to - all very well articulated by other posters. This 'D'P is not prioritising the OP or his child in any way, he is doing what he wishes to do and laying down the law about how, where and when their relationship will be. That doesn't look good.

The OP has other, better options - supportive family and friends in Norfolk, a job that can be done from there, friends in London.

Most seriously, if she moved to France (just to try it out) then it didn't work - because it can be very different to live in another country with a different culture - her 'D'P may go to court. She will then face the terrible choice of living for a decade and a half somewhere she hates (and which her DC may also hate) or leaving her child.

There are already plenty of red flags arguing against France anyway. There is a better and more supportive option available. By all means go to France on holiday or let DC, when older, go to France on holiday. By all means facilitate and encourage visits. But please don't move there permanently unless you are really, really sure you want you and your child to live there for a very long time indeed.

Leanmeansmitingmachine · 10/08/2024 11:58

Frankiegrace · 10/08/2024 09:06

Yes. He basically says he needs to live there and cannot stand to be in london and would feel out of place anywhere else but his own town. He doesn’t say in a horrible way but ultimately we either go or we don’t. He usually comes back after summer atound oct but he doesn’t want to this year. It’s also not set dates that he’s away, he goes when he’s ready and comes back when he likes to, but adds up to being away around 6/7 months atm

Show quote history

This is so, so messed up. Even if he was open about his desire to move back to his hometown, the way he is carrying on currently is insanely selfish and immature.

Let him go. Move home to Norfolk.

Leanmeansmitingmachine · 10/08/2024 12:00

Frankiegrace · 10/08/2024 09:59

Thank you. Yes you are right. I do know this and definitely struggling with acceptance and worry I’ll be the reason my ds doesn’t have a strong relationship with his dad

Show quote history

You can forget that. The reason your son won’t have a strong bond to his dad is because of his dad. He fucks off to France for most of the year, refuses to change his life for his child and partner, and does fuck all even when he is around.

This is all on him.

Stravaig · 10/08/2024 12:07

As to commitment, OP doesn't want to be in France, her DP doesn't want to be in England. Yet he's been managing 6-9 months living in England, whereas OP only mentions 2 months in France. Which is basically an extended vacation - and if OP treated it like a holiday, then of course she won't settle. It takes perseverance, commitment and a lot of hard graft to make your life in another country, and a lot longer than 2 months.

It's a shitshow, which is why people are asking what their relationship is actually like, and what commitments, if any, they actually made to each other.

Or if OP just thought it seemed alluring to have a French guy as a sperm donor. In which case she needs to be honest, separate, and move to Norfolk. And be prepared for her DC to spend long chunks of time in France with his father.

TheSquareMile · 10/08/2024 12:13

@Frankiegrace

OP, does he spend half the year in France because he has job which logically requires him to be there, such as work as a ski instructor?

What kind of work does he do?

Eviebeans · 10/08/2024 12:13

Stravaig · 10/08/2024 10:27

Can you say more about why you can't be in France?

There's something quite childish about just saying you don't like it, as if it's a flavour of ice cream you can refuse. It's your child's relationship with their father, and with their wider paternal family, and one half of their cultural heritage at stake. It's also the understanding that was in place with your partner when you chose to have a child with him. It's a lot to take from your child on the basis of your 'don't like'.

It doesn't sound like you've ever spent enough time in France to make the transition, or even been fully committed to it. How is your French, would better language not skills help?

all other considerations aside it doesn’t sound like the parents have a relationship worth moving to France for

the father has decided that he doesn’t like it here just because he’d rather be there so…

Likewhatever · 10/08/2024 12:17

User364837 · 10/08/2024 11:34

Do you believe he is going without sex and female companionship for 6 months of the year?
or does he have a partner there

Good point.

CoffeeCakeAndALattePlease · 10/08/2024 12:24

I have a friend who married a Brit and had a child…. they later separated. Now, he is not a fan of living in the UK at all and would love to return to his country. But he says he knows it won’t happen because his child is here and he will never move away from his child.

Living near his child will always be the priority over his desire to return home.

I could never move away from my child, I really don’t know how OPs DP does it so much.

Sunshine1500 · 10/08/2024 12:31

I vote Norfolk

Southener · 10/08/2024 12:37

Stravaig · 10/08/2024 12:07

As to commitment, OP doesn't want to be in France, her DP doesn't want to be in England. Yet he's been managing 6-9 months living in England, whereas OP only mentions 2 months in France. Which is basically an extended vacation - and if OP treated it like a holiday, then of course she won't settle. It takes perseverance, commitment and a lot of hard graft to make your life in another country, and a lot longer than 2 months.

It's a shitshow, which is why people are asking what their relationship is actually like, and what commitments, if any, they actually made to each other.

Or if OP just thought it seemed alluring to have a French guy as a sperm donor. In which case she needs to be honest, separate, and move to Norfolk. And be prepared for her DC to spend long chunks of time in France with his father.

"Or if OP just thought it seemed alluring to have a French guy as a sperm donor."

Fuck me, do you have any idea how outrageously rude that is? I hope your not usually this vile.

TruthorDie · 10/08/2024 12:41

Not sure why you are saying it’s complicated? It’s really not. He swans around doing what he wants and you do the majority of the grunt work / heavy lifting. Do what works for you. He isn’t making you or your child a priority

OMGsamesame · 10/08/2024 13:28

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

I don't think it's fair or helpful to pin this all on OP.

It's clear the partner is not a committed father otherwise he'd neither be away so much nor be so hands-off when he is in London.

Moving to France won't save your relationship. If you move there in a misguided attempt to do so you risk getting stuck where you don't want to be, doing 90% of the childcare with no support. I've no idea what cms equivalent s in France.

LadyGaGasPokerFace · 10/08/2024 13:34

Well it’s clear what he wants to do. What would make your happier? It doesn’t include him as he’s going whatever he wants to do and you and your ds are not involved in that. I’d move to Norfolk to be closer to family and friends and sod him. You’ve been a single parent for 6 months of the year, you might as well make it permanent.

RandomMess · 10/08/2024 13:45

On the positive side your DS can still go stay with his Dad and family. He'll have fabulous holidays out there and be fluent in French.

You will get the opportunity for child free time etc. Meet for handover in St P to use the Eurostar or whichever airport works best.

Resisterance · 10/08/2024 13:48

If you move, you could lose your rights to move back with your child and be forced to stay in France so as to see your child. French laws can really favour the father.. consider the possibility of being stuck there indefinitely...