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Original poster

Advice needed, v complicated situation

135 replies

Frankiegrace · 10/08/2024 08:35

I’ve been in a relationship for 8 years and we have a 3 year old son.
my partner is from France and we live in london, he goes to France for over 6 months of the year (partly work but long length of stay is a choice)
this puts pressure on me while he’s away as I’m alone in central london, his answer is ‘you can come to’
the problem is I don’t like spending a long time there, I take our child there for holidays at least twice per year.
my partner is now saying he wants to remain there to live and wants us all to live there (he is likely going whether we do or not)

I work in london and have friends there but I don’t have my family

I don’t know what is best anymore, shoukd I stay in central london and try and cope on my own, do I move to France? Do I move closer to my mum and main friends (Norfolk)

im really confused. I don’t want my ds to grow without his dad but I don’t have any desire or want to move to France and the fact that my partner will go regardless shows me we are not a priority

please. Had anyone had any situation remotely similar?

OP posts:
Igmum · 10/08/2024 10:14

Agree. It's very sad, but he's left you. Norfolk sounds a good option. Can you do your job from there? Thank heavens for supportive families and I'm glad he send money. Sending love

AllrightNowBaby · 10/08/2024 10:14

Frankiegrace · 10/08/2024 09:59

Thank you. Yes you are right. I do know this and definitely struggling with acceptance and worry I’ll be the reason my ds doesn’t have a strong relationship with his dad

Show quote history

Why would you think that you are the reason your Ds doesn’t have a strong relationship with his Dad.
He hasn’t got a strong relationship already, your partner is happy to leave him for half the year and when he’s home doesn’t really contribute much to caring for him. Also you mentioned when you visit your partner with your child twice a year for a month, your “partner” doesn’t prioritise you or your child.
All this is down to your “partner”, he doesn’t love either of you enough to stay with you.
Put your child first, move to Norfolk where he has family and be happy.

TheSquareMile · 10/08/2024 10:15

Would he consider moving to Norfolk with you and finding work there?

You could consider moving to France when your son is older.

Forgive me for asking, but you are confident that there's no-one on the scene in France, aren't you? I would be horrified for you if that came to light.

VibeVanguard · 10/08/2024 10:16

Thingsthatgo · 10/08/2024 09:33

Be aware that if you move to France it might be very difficult to ever change your mind. You will be then taking your ds away from his father, which he might be able to put a stop to.

this is a good point.

Original poster
Frankiegrace · 10/08/2024 10:17

Igmum · 10/08/2024 10:14

Agree. It's very sad, but he's left you. Norfolk sounds a good option. Can you do your job from there? Thank heavens for supportive families and I'm glad he send money. Sending love

Thank you :) yes I can work from home and would only need to travel into London occasionally x

OP posts:
TinyGingerCat · 10/08/2024 10:17

You sound so passive OP. What the fuck is your partner doing in France all that time? If my partner up and left to another country for an unspecified amount of time if want to know what was keeping him there. Move to Norfolk and take some control of the situation and stop waiting for him to dictate what you do.

Original poster
Frankiegrace · 10/08/2024 10:18

TheSquareMile · 10/08/2024 10:15

Would he consider moving to Norfolk with you and finding work there?

You could consider moving to France when your son is older.

Forgive me for asking, but you are confident that there's no-one on the scene in France, aren't you? I would be horrified for you if that came to light.

No it’s not an option at all. He’s very sure on his decision and absolutely won’t change his mind at all unfortunately.

OP posts:
Original poster
Frankiegrace · 10/08/2024 10:19

AllrightNowBaby · 10/08/2024 10:14

Why would you think that you are the reason your Ds doesn’t have a strong relationship with his Dad.
He hasn’t got a strong relationship already, your partner is happy to leave him for half the year and when he’s home doesn’t really contribute much to caring for him. Also you mentioned when you visit your partner with your child twice a year for a month, your “partner” doesn’t prioritise you or your child.
All this is down to your “partner”, he doesn’t love either of you enough to stay with you.
Put your child first, move to Norfolk where he has family and be happy.

Show quote history

I think because we have had so many talks about this now and I say he chooses to leave which is why our ds doesn’t see lots of him and he says it’s because I am choosing not to go with him

OP posts:
StormingNorman · 10/08/2024 10:21

Your partner has doubled the amount of time he spends in France since having a baby. He must be as unhappy here as you are there.

I don’t see where a compromise can be made. He is trying but it just sounds unsatisfactory and unsettling for all of you.

Would Norfolk or London give you a better quality of life?

On a different note, check the CMS calculations and compare it to what he is sending you now. It may be better financially to drift rather than call time on the relationship. Once it’s over, they tend to want to do as little as possible financially.

Original poster
Frankiegrace · 10/08/2024 10:23

TinyGingerCat · 10/08/2024 10:17

You sound so passive OP. What the fuck is your partner doing in France all that time? If my partner up and left to another country for an unspecified amount of time if want to know what was keeping him there. Move to Norfolk and take some control of the situation and stop waiting for him to dictate what you do.

I know. It’s just been a battle and every year I find myself stressing and asking what date he’s coming back etc and he never knows until just before. I think I’m just drained at this point. My mum says the same and she has had enough of it. I do go there too for quite a while and it’s a small village and I pretty much know everyone and all his family. There doesn’t seems to be anything untoward happening. He just loves it there ans it makes him happy to be there

OP posts:
Lacdulancelot · 10/08/2024 10:25

Don't take your dc to France, you'll be stuck there until he's 18.
I live in France, it's such a patriarchal society.
I'm not surprised he wants to move back.

Don't feel it's your fault, if he really cared about his ds he would put his needs first and wouldn't stay away as long as he does.

Stravaig · 10/08/2024 10:27

Can you say more about why you can't be in France?

There's something quite childish about just saying you don't like it, as if it's a flavour of ice cream you can refuse. It's your child's relationship with their father, and with their wider paternal family, and one half of their cultural heritage at stake. It's also the understanding that was in place with your partner when you chose to have a child with him. It's a lot to take from your child on the basis of your 'don't like'.

It doesn't sound like you've ever spent enough time in France to make the transition, or even been fully committed to it. How is your French, would better language not skills help?

Gettingbysomehow · 10/08/2024 10:28

He doesn't care about his son if he doesn't see him for 6 months. Could you be parted from DS for 6 months. I couldn't.
I think its hardly likely that he is celibate for 6 months of the year too.
Go to Norfolk.

Bemusedandconfusedagain · 10/08/2024 10:30

Do not move to France unless you're prepared to stay there longterm. My friend moved in a similar situation. She then split up with her abusive partner and tried to move back to England, but he blocked this via the courts and three years on she is stuck there still unless she comes back without the kids. The French legal system is proving an expensive nightmare.

DeathByResponsibilities · 10/08/2024 10:31

Agree with pp's numerous.
France it's not an option given how strong your relationship would need to be (but isn't) for you to be chin above water there.

I have a friend who was living in France when her two young children started school. The culture towards children is quite different there and doesn't suit all children. It is much more conformist and punishment centered. She came back to England as her daughter's were crushed by it (she is not a permissive parent whose darlings can do no wrong either, her dd's are a delight and she's a good parent who sets clear boundaries, so it must have been harsh for her to think it was) .

So even if you were tempted to take a roll of the dice on your relationship, you should not embark your ds into the french schooling system blind, but check out what the school would be like... And be prepared for the school not to like you as his English mother, which would make for a tricky relationship with his educators. Look before you leap, if you even consider that.

seriesoffortunateevents · 10/08/2024 10:31

don’t want my ds to grow without his dad

sadly he’s no such issue, as he’s going whether you come or not. And if he’s there 6 months of the year your son is already growing without his father, he’s hardly there.

im afraid I think your relationship is over with this selfish man. Let him go. It can never work, and if you take your son there and break residency you may get stuck. As he won’t allow him to come back.

IncompleteSenten · 10/08/2024 10:32

I wouldn't.
You'll lose everything and everyone and be dependent on him. Isolated. Bad idea.

ImikSiMik · 10/08/2024 10:38

Frankiegrace · 10/08/2024 09:06

Yes. He basically says he needs to live there and cannot stand to be in london and would feel out of place anywhere else but his own town. He doesn’t say in a horrible way but ultimately we either go or we don’t. He usually comes back after summer atound oct but he doesn’t want to this year. It’s also not set dates that he’s away, he goes when he’s ready and comes back when he likes to, but adds up to being away around 6/7 months atm

Show quote history

Does he have another family & children in France? This is my first thought because regularly he spends half a year there & has another life you're not a part of.

Loloj · 10/08/2024 10:42

It sounds from reading this thread that Norfolk is the best option for you. But also you need to stop beating yourself up and bearing all of the responsibility of your child having a relationship with his dad- that is his dad’s responsibility - not yours. If he chooses to move to France then he is potentially damaging the relationship - not you. He will still see him for holidays and by the sounds of it he is not “father of the year” when he is around anyway. It sounds as though you both thought the other would change their minds about where to live but at the end of the day he now has a son in the UK and if he chooses to move away from him the he is putting his desire to live in France above living with his son - he sounds very selfish and is already living away from his son over 50% of the time anyway. You can start afresh in Norfolk with family support and get to keep your job in London - it sounds like a no-brainer to me. I think you just need to come to terms with the relationship being over.

RobinStrike · 10/08/2024 10:46

Is it a coincidence that it is the three years since your DS was born that he has rayed longer and longer in France? It sounds like he wants to live a single life, especially as you say even when you do go to France he doesn't alter his lifestyle to adjust to having his family with him. He doesn't sound committed to you or his DS. It sounds like he is deliberately extending his time away from you both. It is not your fault your DS doesn't /wont have a great relationship with his father.

Sandyankles · 10/08/2024 10:47

It doesn’t sound like you’ve ever actually been ‘partners’.

TheSquareMile · 10/08/2024 11:02

@Frankiegrace

If you were to stay in London, OP, at least for a couple of years, would you consider one of the London-based French primaries for your little boy? He may already be the right age.

https://www.lyceefrancais.org.uk/apprendre/primaire/

Conniebygaslight · 10/08/2024 11:08

Frankiegrace · 10/08/2024 09:59

Thank you. Yes you are right. I do know this and definitely struggling with acceptance and worry I’ll be the reason my ds doesn’t have a strong relationship with his dad

Show quote history

His dad will be the reason not you….If your ‘partner’ is telling you this bollocks he is gaslighting you.

Cem82 · 10/08/2024 11:09

Personally I think it’s nice to experience living in different places but in this situation if you move with your kid your kid will be deemed to have their base in France, particularly if he has relatives living nearby and it will be impossible to move back to England without your partner’s permission.

If he insists on moving back to France and abandoning his child I would have it changed so you are the only one with parental rights - you don’t want him rocking up after abandoning you and looking for equal rights or say over things.

Brexile · 10/08/2024 11:09

VaddaABeetch · 10/08/2024 09:49

Are you married? If not do you have an EU Passport. If not the decision has been made for you.

I was going to say this too! Although it's a bit academic if the OP doesn't want to go to France.

Probably not relevant, but no way would I have moved to France if I could have afforded to live in Norfolk! If you have childcare sorted and hybrid working is possible, you could commute to London from Norwich. I have relatives who do this and they are very happy.