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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Advice needed, v complicated situation

135 replies

Frankiegrace · 10/08/2024 08:35

I’ve been in a relationship for 8 years and we have a 3 year old son.
my partner is from France and we live in london, he goes to France for over 6 months of the year (partly work but long length of stay is a choice)
this puts pressure on me while he’s away as I’m alone in central london, his answer is ‘you can come to’
the problem is I don’t like spending a long time there, I take our child there for holidays at least twice per year.
my partner is now saying he wants to remain there to live and wants us all to live there (he is likely going whether we do or not)

I work in london and have friends there but I don’t have my family

I don’t know what is best anymore, shoukd I stay in central london and try and cope on my own, do I move to France? Do I move closer to my mum and main friends (Norfolk)

im really confused. I don’t want my ds to grow without his dad but I don’t have any desire or want to move to France and the fact that my partner will go regardless shows me we are not a priority

please. Had anyone had any situation remotely similar?

OP posts:
RobinStrike · 10/08/2024 13:51

tried to edit and it’s gone to the end. Please ignore.

Purplecrush · 10/08/2024 13:51

Lacdulancelot · 10/08/2024 10:25

Don't take your dc to France, you'll be stuck there until he's 18.
I live in France, it's such a patriarchal society.
I'm not surprised he wants to move back.

Don't feel it's your fault, if he really cared about his ds he would put his needs first and wouldn't stay away as long as he does.

This.

Absolutely you cannot risk going to france and getting stuck there with the only other choice to leave your son behind.

Please wake up to this.

Go home to Norfolk and accept the relationship is over.

SprigatitoYouAndIKnow · 10/08/2024 14:29

It doesn't really matter who's fault anything is. He doesn't want to stay in England and you don't want to follow him to France. He will leave and make the decisions for you.

You can't work from home in France for a UK company for tax reasons. You are unlikely to find well paid work in a rural village. I presume you speak French as you spend so long there, but languages is a consideration. You haven't said if you have access to an EU passport, or if you would need to marry him to go. All adds up to a lot of reasons not to put yourself into such a vulnerable position.

Original poster
Frankiegrace · 23/08/2024 11:02

Thanks everyone for your advice
so we have come to the conclusion that we will end the relationship.
But now he says I must stay in london so it’s easier for him to visit, he will come back every 6 weeks for 2 weeks but he says I have to spend every day of any school holidays bringing our dc to visit him in France.
what do you think of this suggestion?

OP posts:
QueenBakingBee · 23/08/2024 11:12

Lol, the arse of an ex is now dictating how you live your life. If it was me, I'd be saying No. What is easier for him?! Come on OP, this is time for you to make the best life for you and your child (near reliable and loving family and friends) and he can work around that. Obviously you could facilitate visits to him in france - by making sure child is able to see his dad, but initially this is a separation. You'll both need to build up to it.

Whalewatching · 23/08/2024 11:13

Jesus, no op. He sounds very selfish. No, you need to go to wherever you’ll feel supported. You’ll be doing all the childcare so no, he doesn’t get to dictate where you live. Whilst he swans off carefree to where he wants to live….

LAMPS1 · 23/08/2024 11:35

The relationship is over.
Therefore he has no entitlement to tell you what you must do and where you must live, or where you must spend holiday time.

You should consider your options carefully OP and do what you have to do, to keep yourself afloat financially, so that you can care for your dc in the best way possible and build a good future. If you can afford to stay in London and want to do so then fine. If your plan is to move to Norfolk to be closer to family and to have better housing and school, then unless he can take away your parental rights (very unlikely) that seems like a good idea.

You will no doubt want to continue to facilitate a good relationship between him and your dc, but your ex has no right, without court intervention, to dictate anything to you, especially that you spend every holiday in France.

Is he paying your rent for you both to stay in London? London housing is only just doable on two salaries let alone one.
Have you agreed to his demands ?

Think very carefully about agreeing to anything at all. Let him dictate all he likes. Don’t respond.
I would take some legal advice over this situation to learn the rights of all three of you and to understand the legal processes he may go down.

MultiplaLight · 23/08/2024 11:37

Do what you want.

He's done what he wants for long enough.

VibeVanguard · 23/08/2024 11:42

Noooo, others don’t get to decide where you live. He may have a preference but he doesn’t get to decide.

As others have said, you will be doing the vast majority of the childcare so it’s important you live wherever is best for you.

And neither do you have to spend all your holidays in France.

Let him come to you.

Conniebygaslight · 23/08/2024 11:44

You are completely blinded by your guilt of your DD not having a relationship with her father. He is completely exploiting this. Put this guilt down, it is not yours to carry. He has made the decision to stay away from his child 6-7 months of the year already.
Go to Norfolk, agree to take your child to France for a couple of visits a year if this is what you can manage and let your ex make his own arrangements to get to you in Norfolk. Do not stay in London to accommodate this arse. He will never be any different. Your child needs you happy and settled and with your family around.

MrsOvertonsWindow · 23/08/2024 11:52

Agree with previous posters. He does not get to dictate where you live - just as you couldn't dictate where he lives. And why would he want you to live an a life in London isolated from your family and friends? Purely for his convenience presumably. Yet again - you and your son are the bottom of his priorities.

If you think Norfolk offers the best place for you and your son to live and thrive, then that's where you must go. Time to prioritise you and your son, not your ex.

Remember the Mumsnet mantra - "No is a complete sentence"

CandidHedgehog · 23/08/2024 11:55

TemuSpecialBuy · 10/08/2024 08:56

His position hasn't changed and it sounds like he has been really clear from the get go.

Unfortunately it looks like youve brought a child into the mix without being transparent about or fully discussing your (plural) long term life plans

You need to decide whatis most important to you and I think you either need to commit to giving life in france a go or split up and head for norfolk.

If you go for the french option I'd be sure my marriage (& id want the protection of marriage before moving) was in a good state and i had done an accelerated language course.
I think france is actually not a bad place to live! And it is pretty easy to get back to the uk.

Edited

Except if she changes her mind, he can stop the child from leaving.

Also, since they aren’t married, there may be difficulties with her getting a visa in the first place.

Miffylou · 23/08/2024 11:56

Absolutely not. He has no right at all to dictate where you live or how you should spend every school holiday, any more than you have the right to insist you can choose where he lives or what he does every holiday. It seems to me a good idea for you to live near family who can support you, but that’s entirely up to you. It's good for your child for his father to play a big part in his life, but you shouldn’t make any arrangements that might stop you building a new life for yourself without him.

Don't agree to anything without consulting a solicitor who specialises in family break-ups.

fortheveryfirsttime · 23/08/2024 12:12

Frankiegrace · 23/08/2024 11:02

Thanks everyone for your advice
so we have come to the conclusion that we will end the relationship.
But now he says I must stay in london so it’s easier for him to visit, he will come back every 6 weeks for 2 weeks but he says I have to spend every day of any school holidays bringing our dc to visit him in France.
what do you think of this suggestion?

Absolutely not!
He can't put a bomb under all your lives by leaving the country then get to dictate where you live and where he sees his child.

He'll need to be doing the majority of travelling surely, as it's his decision to move.

He could try and take that to court but I can't imagine he'll get what he wants.

Utahthecat · 23/08/2024 12:12

Post Brexit, UK citizens can only spend 90 days in a 180 say period in the EU. I-m guessing there is a similar restriction on French citizens in the UK meaning even if he wanted to, it's likely he couldn't spend much time in the UK with his son, or even live there. Does he have the right to live and work in the UK? Is that why he had to spend so much time in France? Is it that he doesn't care about his son or want to see him, or that practically he has to be resident in France?

Moving to Norfolk does make it extremely difficult to see his son in the UK - are you really going to put him up for two weeks every six weeks or will he need to rent a hotel or airbnb in Norfolk? That doesn't sound feasible. He doesn't have the right to make you stay in London, and I can see why you want to go, but you equally can see why he would ask. Does he live in an easy to get to part of France? What do you think would be a fair split in terms of access?

A compromise could be move to Norfolk but accept that school holidays will be spent with Dad in France.

PaminaMozart · 23/08/2024 12:14

Why are you such a pushover?

Do what's best for YOU and your child. Hint: what's best for you, in this case, is also what's best for your child.

But I also think you should get legal advice on the best way to proceed and, ideally, arrive at a mutually agreed, written agreement. You need a family solicitor who is experienced in dealing with dual country custody issues.

TakeMeDancing · 23/08/2024 12:29

Silly me. I thought exes weren’t allowed to dictate where their ex partners live.

The only way I can see a “stay in London” request as reasonable, is if XP stayed in London and didn’t want DC “moved away” to another town.

XP has buggered off to a different country, so has no right to insist that you live in a capital city for his ease of travel. If it’s that important to him, then HE should move to Paris to facilitate easy travel abroad.

TakeMeDancing · 23/08/2024 12:33

And he can only half half of the summer (unless you choose otherwise). And it’s at his expense, as he’s the one who buggered off.

Purplecrush · 23/08/2024 12:36

For the sake of your poor child, will you please wake up to the fact that this man is a controlling selfish arse.

He has zero rights to tell you ANYTHING.
Agree to nothing.
Talk to Women's aid first for advice AND get legal advice.
If necessary let him leave the country.
THEN pack up and leave and move to Norfolk.
You have to do what is best for you.
HE does all travelling and doesn't get all the holidays while you do the slog for the school year.
On what planet does he honestly think he is on?

candycane222 · 23/08/2024 12:57

I'll tell you what I think of that. I think him thinking he can leave the country, leave his child and the child's Mum then swan back two weeks in six while dictating not only when and where his contact takes place, but where you and his child live the rest of the time, makes him an arrogant cock.

And an arse.

PolePrince55 · 23/08/2024 13:35

Stay and if you find yourself lonely, then move to your family.
Do not go to France, if he's willing to go with or without you it's not a strong marriage.

Original poster
Frankiegrace · 23/08/2024 14:15

Yes it’s getting very hard.
he says I’m not accepting any offers he’s making (me move there or him come every 6 weeks and me go there all school hols)
I also think it will be a big upheaval for our young child constantly travelling and not spending any school hols with friends or family on my side
I said I’m happy to come for most of the school summer holiday and Christmas until dc is old enough to travel with a chaperone and decides for himself when he wants to go.
he says I’m not meeting him in the middle and I’m depriving our child of a father,

I just feel I cannot commit to every single bit of holiday being in France!

he is going to change his residency hence why he cannot come more than 90 days

OP posts:
Miffylou · 23/08/2024 14:20

Frankiegrace · 23/08/2024 14:15

Yes it’s getting very hard.
he says I’m not accepting any offers he’s making (me move there or him come every 6 weeks and me go there all school hols)
I also think it will be a big upheaval for our young child constantly travelling and not spending any school hols with friends or family on my side
I said I’m happy to come for most of the school summer holiday and Christmas until dc is old enough to travel with a chaperone and decides for himself when he wants to go.
he says I’m not meeting him in the middle and I’m depriving our child of a father,

I just feel I cannot commit to every single bit of holiday being in France!

he is going to change his residency hence why he cannot come more than 90 days

He is the one "depriving his child of a father" by already choosing to live elsewhere half the time and now choosing to live elsewhere permanently.

TakeMeDancing · 23/08/2024 14:29

Miffylou · 23/08/2024 14:20

He is the one "depriving his child of a father" by already choosing to live elsewhere half the time and now choosing to live elsewhere permanently.

Edited
Show quote history

This. He’s the one who buggered off for more than 50% of the year!

OP, please don’t fully agree to these big commitments of your future holiday time. What if circumstances change? What if he marries someone else and has more kids? Will you still be so amenable to be travelling to France constantly? What if you meet someone new, and want your own holiday plans?