Page 2 | Advice needed, v complicated situation

Frankiegrace · 2024-08-10T07:35:24+00:00

I’ve been in a relationship for 8 years and we have a 3 year old son. my partner is from France and we live in london, he goes to France for over 6 months of the year (partly work but long length of stay is a choice) this puts pressure on me while he’s away as I’m alone in central london, his answer is ‘you can come to’ the problem is I don’t like spending a long time there, I take our child there for holidays at least twice per year. my partner is now saying he wants to remain there to live and wants us all to live there (he is likely going whether we do or not) I work in london and have friends there but I don’t have my family I don’t know what is best anymore, shoukd I stay in central london and try and cope on my own, do I move to France? Do I move closer to my mum and main friends (Norfolk) im really confused. I don’t want my ds to grow without his dad but I don’t have any desire or want to move to France and the fact that my partner will go regardless shows me we are not a priority please. Had anyone had any situation remotely similar?

IamMoodyBlue · 10/08/2024 09:18

What an upsetting predicament to ne in!
No easy choice, but from your posts;
1 Norfolk.
2 London.
1000. France
In Norfolk you'll have family, friends & support. In France, none of it. No guarantee that partner will behave any better just because you're living where it's most convenient for him.
Good luck.

Original poster

Frankiegrace · 10/08/2024 09:18

TakeMeDancing · 10/08/2024 09:09

Has he been doing these 6-7 month French visits since the baby was born? Did he do it before the baby?

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It used to be less. It’s got increasingly more each year. Just before he was born it was more like 3 months

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OtterMouse · 10/08/2024 09:20

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TemuSpecialBuy · 10/08/2024 09:22

Eeep! I feel for you OP

honestly I feel like time is flying since I had kids (mine are slightly younger) I also feel family is so important.

you need to be practical
France is clearly a hard NO for you.
your son will need to go to school very soon.

personally I’d want that to be consistent for him that realistically means Norfolk and means you need to pull the trigger sooner rather than later.

I’d be looking at schools and housing options near my family now as a priority and I’d work hard to keep it amiable with his father

Original poster

Frankiegrace · 10/08/2024 09:23

IamMoodyBlue · 10/08/2024 09:18

What an upsetting predicament to ne in!
No easy choice, but from your posts;
1 Norfolk.
2 London.
1000. France
In Norfolk you'll have family, friends & support. In France, none of it. No guarantee that partner will behave any better just because you're living where it's most convenient for him.
Good luck.

Thank you
yes this situation is really upsetting. I wish I could just want to move to France, it’s been very difficult so far never knowing when he’s coming or going. Even when we are in France, he is not hands on. He doesn’t change any aspect of his life even when we’re around. I’m also worried even if I tried to live there I would then be trapped.
I guess I’m just terrified to start a fresh, but the pressure is on to make a decision before school starts next year.

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Loopytiles · 10/08/2024 09:24

I wouldn’t move countries for such a poor partner and father, who planned to leave us.

Would let him know you’ll not be doing that, when he leaves send emails to the effect that he has ended the relationship and moved to France full time, ‘for the record’ for any custody disputes, then plan your move to wherever you can get good work options and friends / family.

Should you and DS go to France and stay a while you might not legally be able to return to the UK with DS later on if your ex disagreed.

BunnyLake · 10/08/2024 09:25

If you definitely don’t want to go to France then, as a single parent, being close to family and friends would be very important to me. Speaking as a single mother myself I moved to another part of the country to be near my family too. I was all alone before that and don’t think I would have coped well all alone (their dad also was working/living abroad).

Original poster

Frankiegrace · 10/08/2024 09:28

BunnyLake · 10/08/2024 09:25

If you definitely don’t want to go to France then, as a single parent, being close to family and friends would be very important to me. Speaking as a single mother myself I moved to another part of the country to be near my family too. I was all alone before that and don’t think I would have coped well all alone (their dad also was working/living abroad).

Thank you
where did you move to? How old were your children? Did you have the option to live abroad with the father?

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Thingsthatgo · 10/08/2024 09:33

Be aware that if you move to France it might be very difficult to ever change your mind. You will be then taking your ds away from his father, which he might be able to put a stop to.

BunnyLake · 10/08/2024 09:37

Frankiegrace · 10/08/2024 09:28

Thank you
where did you move to? How old were your children? Did you have the option to live abroad with the father?

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I moved from London to Cornwall. I knew absolutely no one here other than my mum and sister. My sister and her family first moved here and my widowed mum followed her. When I split with my ex I was stuck in London knowing no one (we had been living abroad in Europe for a while, came back to London for his work, split soon after and I was left with a two and four year old and the urgent need to find a school for my eldest. I felt I had no choice but to move to near my family. Ex then moved to the US for work. Twenty years on I’ve made friends and grown roots here. It’s home to me now.

TemuSpecialBuy · 10/08/2024 09:37

Thingsthatgo · 10/08/2024 09:33

Be aware that if you move to France it might be very difficult to ever change your mind. You will be then taking your ds away from his father, which he might be able to put a stop to.

Yeah, This is the problem… you can’t try it out and relationship sounds weak so France just isn’t an option which leaves Norfolk or London (which op can’t afford solo)
which then leaves Norfolk as the only sensible choice

I think op knows this but it struggling with acceptance as it’s not a nice or easy decision even if it’s the best available option

windyweather66 · 10/08/2024 09:39

I can understand your predicament, wanting to do right by your son, but his own father has always put himself and his lifestyle first and now it's time for you to do the same.

You've tried France and don't like it, just as he's tried living in England. He had no trouble choosing France over your and your son.

Don't move to France; as a PP said the only choice you need to make is either Norfolk or London and based on what you've said, to most of us outsiders, Norfolk seems the obvious choice, for all the reasons you've mentioned.

I think once you've made your choice you'll feel a lot better

LadyJaneGreyandhercat · 10/08/2024 09:40

Frankiegrace · 10/08/2024 09:23

Thank you
yes this situation is really upsetting. I wish I could just want to move to France, it’s been very difficult so far never knowing when he’s coming or going. Even when we are in France, he is not hands on. He doesn’t change any aspect of his life even when we’re around. I’m also worried even if I tried to live there I would then be trapped.
I guess I’m just terrified to start a fresh, but the pressure is on to make a decision before school starts next year.

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I think the worry is that if you move to France you then might not be able to leave easily . Legally, will you need his permission to move his son out of the country and back to the UK? You need some legal advice. He sounds like a useless parent and partner anyway.

Mischance · 10/08/2024 09:43

Norfolk is the place for you.
The onus is then on him to come and see his son and not on you to have to go to France to take him to see his dad when you do not want to be there.
You are just drifting about doing what he wants. Let him put himself out a bit. You can settle near your family, which is what you want, and he can visit his son if he chooses to.
You need to be building the life you want. A happy mum is a happy child.
The fact that he is happy to be apart for such long periods and is now saying he plans to stay there indicates that he does not care one jot.

VaddaABeetch · 10/08/2024 09:49

Are you married? If not do you have an EU Passport. If not the decision has been made for you.

Conniebygaslight · 10/08/2024 09:49

Move to Norfolk….absolute no brainer. Family for your son & you. I understand your partner wanting to be in his homeland but not wanting to be away from his child 6/7 months of the year. He sounds a peach.

Carebearsonmybed · 10/08/2024 09:56

You are a single parent with an ex who lives abroad so can't even be chased for CmS.

Are you claiming UC as a single parent?

Don't take your dc abroad as you may not be allowed to bring them back to the uk.

It's the father's responsibility to maintain contact not yours.

Original poster

Frankiegrace · 10/08/2024 09:59

TemuSpecialBuy · 10/08/2024 09:37

Yeah, This is the problem… you can’t try it out and relationship sounds weak so France just isn’t an option which leaves Norfolk or London (which op can’t afford solo)
which then leaves Norfolk as the only sensible choice

I think op knows this but it struggling with acceptance as it’s not a nice or easy decision even if it’s the best available option

Show quote history

Thank you. Yes you are right. I do know this and definitely struggling with acceptance and worry I’ll be the reason my ds doesn’t have a strong relationship with his dad

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Original poster

Frankiegrace · 10/08/2024 10:01

Carebearsonmybed · 10/08/2024 09:56

You are a single parent with an ex who lives abroad so can't even be chased for CmS.

Are you claiming UC as a single parent?

Don't take your dc abroad as you may not be allowed to bring them back to the uk.

It's the father's responsibility to maintain contact not yours.

Hi
luckily he is very good in terms of money and he does send monthly money to cover the costs. I think on that point he would continue x

OP posts:

Original poster

Frankiegrace · 10/08/2024 10:03

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Yes it might seem that way. I wasn’t actively manipulative. He’s always been back and forth and for much less periods. It’s been the last couple of years the time apart has been much longer and has now led to him wishing to stay.
its never been truly clear cut. More like ‘one day I’d like to return to France’ but yes I agree with you

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Strawberriesandpimms · 10/08/2024 10:04

Norfolk 100%

Original poster

Frankiegrace · 10/08/2024 10:05

VaddaABeetch · 10/08/2024 09:49

Are you married? If not do you have an EU Passport. If not the decision has been made for you.

No we aren’t married x

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yeesh · 10/08/2024 10:10

You are not taking his dad away, your partner is hardly there as it is. I can’t imagine ever choosing to spend that much time away from my child

LAMPS1 · 10/08/2024 10:10

Your relationship is over I’d say. It’s just become a habit. A habit that’s fading a bit as your partner is no longer prepared to keep up the pretence.

I think there is no need for you to feel bad. In fact, be happy that the split can be much easier than if you had been married and if he had been a full time, hands-on dad. He shows he’s not that bothered about you, even when you are both there with him in France.

Moving there full time would be disastrous for you all, so you are doing the right thing by not going as you can now come to some much less complicated arrangement for the next few years - probably not too different from what have now. Maybe your partner has already come to that conclusion.

It depends really on when your dc is due to start school. If that’s a year from now as he’s only 3…. and if you can afford to stay in london for one more year, would you consider doing that - to keep your routine while you see how you go and give yourself chance to come to terms with the change in your status and to think about your plan properly. Then plan your move to Norfolk for a lovely life there closer to friends and family ready for when school starts for your dc a year from now, if that’s what is still calling to you.

Just give yourself time to breathe-in the change in your status. Your son was never going to have a full-time, hands-on dad but he will learn to make the most of his dad living in France as he gets older …if he wants to.

His dad will have to put in some work and show a bit of enthusiasm now, if he wants to maintain the relationship with his son. It can’t be all on you to make it work OP. Good luck !

Original poster

Frankiegrace · 10/08/2024 10:13

LAMPS1 · 10/08/2024 10:10

Your relationship is over I’d say. It’s just become a habit. A habit that’s fading a bit as your partner is no longer prepared to keep up the pretence.

I think there is no need for you to feel bad. In fact, be happy that the split can be much easier than if you had been married and if he had been a full time, hands-on dad. He shows he’s not that bothered about you, even when you are both there with him in France.

Moving there full time would be disastrous for you all, so you are doing the right thing by not going as you can now come to some much less complicated arrangement for the next few years - probably not too different from what have now. Maybe your partner has already come to that conclusion.

It depends really on when your dc is due to start school. If that’s a year from now as he’s only 3…. and if you can afford to stay in london for one more year, would you consider doing that - to keep your routine while you see how you go and give yourself chance to come to terms with the change in your status and to think about your plan properly. Then plan your move to Norfolk for a lovely life there closer to friends and family ready for when school starts for your dc a year from now, if that’s what is still calling to you.

Just give yourself time to breathe-in the change in your status. Your son was never going to have a full-time, hands-on dad but he will learn to make the most of his dad living in France as he gets older …if he wants to.

His dad will have to put in some work and show a bit of enthusiasm now, if he wants to maintain the relationship with his son. It can’t be all on you to make it work OP. Good luck !

Thank you. He is a summer baby so will have to start school in September 25 which is also adding a bit of pressure to me as I would love to just be settled and happy and the last thing I want to do is mess him around changing schools etc.

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