Ghosted by boyfriend of a year

[GladAmberEagle]

Hi all, not really a point of this but just need to vent my feelings.

Met someone who I thought was an amazing guy a year ago, been together a year. We see each other once a week due to having children and text every day.

We spent the day together on Thursday, had a lovely time together. He dropped me off at my house and I asked him to give me a text. The previous week I had brought up to him how the communication between us was dwindling - I felt like the past few weeks it was always me texting first, him taking 24 hours to reply etc. He apologised and said he would make more of an effort.

Obviously this is a sign of what was to come but I didn’t realise it would be so bad - he dropped me off, kissed me goodbye and I have not heard from him since. I text Thursday evening asking him what his plans were on Friday and he never responded.

I refuse to blow up his phone and ask why etc. I know he is okay because I am very close to his family - they are extremely angry with him but don’t want to say anything to him until he actually gathers the courage to say something to me.

pretending that everything is fine and then suddenly ghosting me, after a year together, seems so incredibly cruel. I have a huge stressful commitment coming up in 2 weeks which he knows about too, I can’t believe he’s chosen now to do something so cruel to me.

How horrible to do a slow fade then ghost. Bad enough if it was a couple of months but a year??

Hes a weak spineless coward - it hurts but in time you’ll thank your lucky stars he revealed how pathetic he is

He’s pathetic but you are coming across brilliantly here. Does it hurt? Yes. Are you going to pander to his idiotic behaviour? No. Well done you for knowing your worth!! You’re going to smash your upcoming career stuff and he’s the one who has lost out. Good luck 💜

What a coward! So sorry OP, this is a really cruel thing to do to someone 💐

I know it doesn't feel it right now, but try and consider it a positive. You've avoided being saddled to someone who:

1. Sucks at communicating
2. Chooses the "run away and bury head in sand" option when things get even a tiny bit challenging
3. Doesn't have either the cojones or emotional maturity to recognise when something isn't working for him in a relationship and put the effort in to get back on track

Honestly, not the kind of person to get into a long term commitment with.

This is my take. Not saying its right. But I think he hasnt got the bottle to end the relationship by telling you so he is doing this ghosting stuff.. very mean
and cowardly of him.

I would say he is an avoidant - the man could never open up about his feelings and I always gave him space and never pressured him

I hope this makes you realise it's all to do with him and nothing whatsoever to do with you? He's an absolute dickhead.

Ghosting is horribly cruel and there is no excuse for it, I dont care what is wrong with you, people deserve a fcking text at the very least- it takes less than 30 seconds to do that. Are you not even worth 30 seconds of his time?

If he is an avoidant then brace yourself for him to get back in touch once he's had space and feels "safe" again (often takes about 1-3 months). Do NOT fall for it, he will repeat this cycle with you over and over and over again until you feel like you're on a horrific rollercoaster and have had your heart stomped on multiple times.

You are absolutely doing the right thing. Dont contact him and block him. You deserve someone way better than this twat.

Well done for not texting him.

However, nothing is to be gained by setting his family against him. It will make it all the more awkward to attend events together and you will find you are the one who is dropped in the long term.

So I would dial it back with them. Tell them it’s OK now you are over it. To not bring it up with him etc. You have accepted it’s over and are moving on.

Of course, this will get back to him and he will wonder how you’ve got over it so quickly and you might even get him contacting you with some kind of explanation. But if he’s changed his mind, having his family nagging him over it won’t change it and will make him resent you.

Sounds like his MO is to take a cowardly way to end things. Sigh.

You’ll be OK OP.
💐

They are furious with him and said this is very out of character for him

Yeah, I dont believe this for a second. I bet he does this repeatedly to women. His family would have no idea whether he ghosts women or not because all he has to do is lie to them and tell them his exes dumped him or it just "didnt work out".

Unless they are with him 24/7 how on earth would they know what he's like in a dating scenario? They only see what he presents to them when he is with them.

I know it's hurtful OP, but thank goodness you know now what he is really like. You dont want a man who runs away like a coward every time something difficult or challenging comes up or uses avoidance and ignoring people as a coping mechanism.

I expect he's missed his window to end things before feeling bad about the big event in two weeks so has slunk away indulging himself in a Schrödinger's dumping 'well, I'm not the bad guy, I didn't actually dump her 2 weeks before her PhD submission/huge interview/ project delivery'.

For a year's relationship he should have had the decency to get it over with or hang on two weeks.

Try to knuckle down and not let it affect you. Good luck with it!

Thank you for his reply. I’ve been very careful with what I’ve said to his family - I see his family probably twice in one week - I haven’t bad mouthed him to them, just said to them how I’m shocked he would do this to me. I think unfortunately they are still hoping it works out, because they were over the moon we were together. But yes, after today I’m not even going to mention him to them!

It's not exactly the same situation but there was a thread a couple of years ago by a woman who was dumped out of the blue and decided not to contact him for explanations - it's so inspiring to read her posts!

Dumped by text | Mumsnet

I agree with those saying he's a coward. Not someone worth being with. So sorry he has done this to you, especially at this stressful time.

@EightChalk I remember that one! that was one of best and most satisfying threads I've ever seen on MN.

Loved it 😂

My ex of over a year did the same to me. It was incredibly satisfying to bump into him 2 years after we had split up and I had done lots of great things and he well he hadn't same old same old.

I also didn't message him even though I was heartbroken. Be strong!

Going against the grain here but I think you should message him one last time to tell him calmly what a coward he is. I was ghosted once while my mum was dying of cancer. It's the most hurtful thing anyone has ever done to me. Like you, I didn't reach out again when I realised what was happening but I wish I had given him a piece of my mind and not just let him take the easy way out. Ghosting allows these men to maintain the illusion they're still the nice guy because they haven't done anything bad ie the actual dumping - don't make it easier for him!

Shitty behaviour from him. And clearly a pattern grom his attitude towards his exs. Although saying his ex was crazy is a cery clear res flag.

Somewhere there is a part 2, she changed her name to Running in the rain or something like that?

OP, I agree on the ‘well done for not texting’ people. I am sure it must be really tempting but I’m equally as sure you’d regret it the next day. Leave all that to his family. Busy yourself with work, your project, or whatever else you can think of.

This is very good advice, OP.

Families tend to rally round their own relative, not his wronged ex, no matter how innocent and likeable the ex is.

If you want to stay friendly with the family, you could just say you’re sorry he changed his mind, because you really liked him, but it’s over now and you have no hard feelings.

This may make him realise what a good thing he’s thrown away. But don’t be lulled into letting him crawl back.

A true classic, and very encouraging!

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/3835502-Dumped-by-text-part-2

Ghosting allows these men to maintain the illusion they're still the nice guy because they haven't done anything bad ie the actual dumping - don't make it easier for him!

They literally dont care though. If they did, they wouldnt do it in the first place- their conscience wouldn't let them. The very fact he has done it indicates he couldn't give a shit.

Sending a text calling him names isnt going to suddenly make him have an epiphany and think "oh wow- I really AM a dickhead arent I?", no, he'll just use that text to show his family so he can say "see- she's calling me names, told you she was unhinged/rude/weird/not right".

Then he will act smug as if he did do the right thing by dropping her due to her "unreasonable" response. I think its far more damning to not respond at all- it clearly paints him as the unreasonable one.

Gosh that's terrible. Better to know his character now - can't communicate how he's feeling and just runs away from things that are hard rather than face them. Not good traits in a partner.

Well done for not texting again, and don't get back with him.

you sounds so strong OP and im so sorry you are going through this you poor thing - what a cruel way to treat you . he will be back i'm sure and please do not entertain him

Thank you everyone. Still haven’t heard from him and it’s been an absolute rollercoaster of a week in terms of emotions but I still have no desire to message him.

Some of my friends believe I should text him and end it ‘officially’ but I don’t feel the need to do that - it IS over anyways, we haven’t spoken in over a week now.

I totally agree. He does not care. And on the tiny chance he’s did this to get a huge reaction out of me, or force me to be the one who ended, I refuse to do it. I’d rather live life knowing if he wants to walk away without an explanation, then so will I! It hurts so much now but I know in the future I will be proud that I didn’t reach out.

Will update the thread if there’s anything that changes but I don’t think he will ever explain himself.

you are being so strong after a year i'd be heartbroken.

I wouldn't bother. You've then absolved him of the bit he's been avoiding. I'd leave him feeling a bit uneasy knowing he's done the wrong thing.

There's no plausible reason for leaving it open other than he didn't want to have the conversation for whatever reason- he could have contacted you through family with a letter if absolutely necessary. I would take that as a definite end and feel free to move on.