Ghosted by boyfriend of a year

[GladAmberEagle]

Hi all, not really a point of this but just need to vent my feelings.

Met someone who I thought was an amazing guy a year ago, been together a year. We see each other once a week due to having children and text every day.

We spent the day together on Thursday, had a lovely time together. He dropped me off at my house and I asked him to give me a text. The previous week I had brought up to him how the communication between us was dwindling - I felt like the past few weeks it was always me texting first, him taking 24 hours to reply etc. He apologised and said he would make more of an effort.

Obviously this is a sign of what was to come but I didn’t realise it would be so bad - he dropped me off, kissed me goodbye and I have not heard from him since. I text Thursday evening asking him what his plans were on Friday and he never responded.

I refuse to blow up his phone and ask why etc. I know he is okay because I am very close to his family - they are extremely angry with him but don’t want to say anything to him until he actually gathers the courage to say something to me.

pretending that everything is fine and then suddenly ghosting me, after a year together, seems so incredibly cruel. I have a huge stressful commitment coming up in 2 weeks which he knows about too, I can’t believe he’s chosen now to do something so cruel to me.

@GladAmberEagle I think you're really strong.

You're amazing, OP! I was ghosted a few years ago by my boyfriend of 3 years who I lived with, it was absolutely horrific, I wish I'd acted with as much dignity as you!!

I am now with someone soooo much better in every way and we are expecting our first child, you will find someone so much better than him too! X

Honestly, well done you! The immaturity of his actions are astonishing. You will hear from him, particularly if you continue not to contact. I am curious to hear how he tries to get back in contact.

100%. Anyone telling you to message him is wrong. You HAVE closure. He IS a dick. Done. And again, you've handled it amazingly.

That's usually the reason people ghost....

He’s a coward. Best to move on.

Well done on not trying to get answers from him, OP.
From my own experience men aren’t that bothered about familial links - even if his mum and his sister are upset with him, it won’t make one bit of difference.
In a relationship as low maintenance as this one, he’s taken the ‘easy’ way out for him and removed himself slowly.
He’s done it before which means he hasn’t learned a thing. Rinse and repeat.
You are upset now but you sound lovely - you deserve far much more than this.
I know you are friends with his family, and while you have every right to be, I don’t think contact with them and discussing him with them is helping. It might feel like it is, but in the long run it won’t help.
You don’t have to end your friendship with the family, but I would ease of contact with them for a while, have your own space, and reach out to other friends. If they have parties and functions coming up, decline for now.
Of course, you have a right to be there, but you will just upset yourself.
Give yourself some time and space.
Even if he does try and contact you at some point, who needs the games? He clearly doesn’t have the emotional maturity to deal with you or any other woman.
He really has lost out here, but that’s his misfortune.

Really impressed by your restraint OP! I completely agree he was hoping you’d blow up and text him that’s it’s over, and then he’d ‘get away’ with not having to face anything in person.

Like you said on page 1 or 2, he probably doesn’t feel guilt now (for whatever reason he’s shut off his emotions and is staying cold to the hurt he’s caused you, to preserve his own ego) but he will feel guilt one day down the line. Probably in 6-12 months he’ll come back looking for you to accept his apology.

He’s what people my age call a serial dater. Good at all the initial stages but suddenly go cold for no real reason. I have posted this before…look up the lyrics to Runaway by Kanye West. Then listen to it. Don’t let the 16 piano notes intro make you lose interest. It’s a very insightful song. I also recommend my 2 other favorite break up songs “somebody that I used to know by gotye and not ready to make nice by (Dixie) chicks. Listen to these as you prepare for your upcoming work events. Always end on a high note op and you really already have. Next hurdle is seeing him in public where you will be made of Teflon and just go about your way with a smile. I was single in my 40s and I definetly learned to listen to “the story of why my previous relationships didn’t work out”. Found out these behaviors were IN RESPONSE to the guys behaviors. Take care and don’t let him derail your professional success.

Perhaps from a different perspective, he feels you share too much of your relationship with his family so he gets it both barrels from everyone. In less than a week you had already got his sister and mother on-side where his sister has asked him about it and his mother is going to 'go down his throat'.

I know you said you have children but only seeing each other once a week still after a year, I very much doubt it was a longterm thing anyway - sorry to be blunt.

I'd just leave it.

When he gets in contact just ignore him too 🤷🏻‍♀️

We both were absolutely content with seeing each other once a week (occasionally was 2/3 times) or so he say he was, but even if it never was going to be long term, I still don’t think that excuses him for ghosting me after a year! But yes, will be ignoring him if he does get in contact.

Oh I absolutely agree with you, no need for it at all.

I'm wondering if it was more of a casual thing to him - you may get a message when he wants sex?

I can understand why it would seem that way, but I never ever shared too much of the relationship with his family, and only EVER spoke positively about him.

I did not tell them that he had ghosted me either, they asked me when I was next going to see him a few days into the ghosting and I said I haven’t heard from him since I last saw him, and that’s when the penny dropped for them. They came round yesterday to visit my daughter and I did not bring the situation up to them, nor did they. I can see why from the outside it may seem like I’m pitting them against them, but other than them knowing he’s ghosted me, we haven’t discussed it.

If he saw it as casual he did not communicate that with me - he asked me to be his gf, met his friends, days out with the family etc. I initially thought that perhaps because we’ve hit the 1 year mark he’s panicked, but at the end of the day I’ll never know!

Wish I'd seen this thread a couple of weeks ago, in pretty identical circumstances myself at the moment and like an idiot I sent messages asking why. So, so cross with myself!
Wish I'd gone down the complete ignoring route but like an idiot I thought we could maybe remain friends as I genuinely enjoyed his company. What an idiot!!!

Hey, don’t be so hard on yourself! Big hugs.

Even though I haven’t reached out, you’re more than entitled to! For me, I was just so shocked he did it I couldn’t bring myself to ask, and now 2 weeks have passed, I have no desire to get an explanation. But don’t be too hard on yourself for being human and wanting to reach out etc! I would have in past relationships also.

Not always the case - I’ve been with my DP for five years and we only see each other once or twice a week. sometimes it’s more, sometimes less. We both work and have children from previous relationships so it isn’t always easy to see each other more frequently but we are still 100% committed to each other and both happy with the current situation.
His friends think he has the ideal relationship 😆 all the fun bits, no arguing over stupid stuff like housework and who’s doing the washing up and we only spend about 6 nights a month together so I don’t usually have to contend with snoring either!
its actually brilliant!

No advice as currently going through something similar. Known each other 3 years, pretty much best mates for the past year and together for the last 7 months. And then nothing. It is so weird because he was the person I would go to to tell any news or silly things that had happened and now nothing. I don't think I'll hear from him again and (thankfully) unlike you, I'm not likely to ever bump into him again. But it has left a huge hole in my day to day life.

I know it's been even longer now so maybe this is seeming increasingly unlikely, but could it just be that he's super busy juggling kids, work and the summer holidays?

In early days of me and DH getting together when we were long distance whilst studying in different places, he wasn't always the best at texting and phoning. Could it be that he's made an effort to be more responsive that would come naturally to him and now that's tailing off more now you've been together a while?

And if not and he really has just ghosted you, then you're better off rid anyway...

He has 4 weeks off currently, so to me it is highly unlikely he is that busy he can’t send one text in over 2 weeks. We both have busy lives, but even on our busiest days we still managed to chat. To pretend that everything is absolutely fine to my face while planning to never speak to me again is cruel beyond measures. Definitely better without!

Reading between the lines, I'd guess that you may have been a bit stressed recently and needed a bit of support with this big work thing coming up. And he is one of those wet fairweather boyfriends who can only handle a relationship that is always easy going and stress free, certainly as far a woman expressing a range of emotions is concerned.

Not being the best at texting and phoning is not the same as not hearing from your partner for two whole weeks!

I think you have played a blinder OP.
Silence is very powerful.

He may well come back with a text in the future, you might well be surprised.

My friend had this and she too responded with silence, after 18 months. She was furious with him. Only 3 months later he was back with Hey, and followed her silence with an explanation that he had been "afraid of his feelings for her".
Who knows if it was the truth or not. She never replied to him despite a couple more messages.

About an 12 months later she met him with her now lovely husband, and she took great pleasure in a vague disinterested smile, and turned and walked away when he tried to speak to her.
I don't believe it is ever possible to go back to one of these guys.
They have showed you EXACTLY who they are, NEVER to be relied upon.

Carry on OP, you are doing great.

@Greenhedge1 What a wet weasel!