Sneaky family behaviour? Or normal?

[JustLaura]

Any advice appreciated!

I am the middle child of 3 and the only Daughter.

Throughout my childhood, it was made known to me that my 2 male siblings were more important than me. Just a couple of examples: my Parents did not go to my parent evenings at school as it was "pointless" and "girls just have children". I was openly discussed in the 3rd person at family gatherings: "I don't think she will amount to anything" and "no-one will be bothered about her" etc ... I could go on. All this was in front of me.

Even when I attained a good job, I was constantly compared to my siblings and others, and told what they had more than me.

My elder Brother and Wife catastrophically fell out with my Parents years ago, then they moved away and have not spoken to any of the family since. It all stemmed from my Parents repeatedly asking leading questions to their children and prying into their relationship/financial situation.

My younger Brother is now 'the golden child' and can do no wrong in their eyes.

I am now the person that cares for them and takes them out. Youngest sibling will visit them once a week to eat a meal that my Mum has cooked for him and then he leaves. He does no household chores for them when he visits and tells my Mum that I need to do x, y, and z.
We are not in contact with each other and he recently has been saying to my parents that he's seen me or my car in different places, implying I'm not at work or I'm on leave and haven't told my Parents that I'm on leave. My sibling even constructed a situation where he said to my Mum I'd spoken negatively about him to a relative (I hadn't) and made out he was upset. My Mum then questioned me about it (I was oblivious) and she said if she found out I had lied to her that I would be cut off from them. (Again implying he is more important).

I now try to raise any issues as they happen but they continue to try to twist anything I say to the point where I can't speak openly as I know whatever I say will get distorted. It was even commented that there must be a 'lot of dirt to find out' as I was defensive.

I'm now being 'checked on' too - even at work I get a 5/6 phonecalls a day for no reason as well as calls when I'm not at their house.

Recently when I've been doing chores for them, I've overheard my Mum specifically asking my children probing questions or suddenly saying something to try and prompt them. Is this normal behaviour?

Mum either says I'm making her upset and feel ill or ignores me when I raise any points.

What do I do?

I'm increasingly drained by all of this and it's starting to consume me.

OP it’s admirable you want to help your parents in their old age but their expectations are ridiculous.

You will not be able to change them or their attitude to you, all you can change is how you react/deal with them. You cannot keep putting them before your own children & husband - and your own well-being.

If their expectations are culturally based then I agree that getting your husband to talk to them & say you cannot do more than xyz may be the way to set ground rules going forward.

The constant texting & phoning would drive me nuts. I’d maybe say that your work colleagues are complaining that it is intrusive and you can only take calls if it is a medical emergency.

Ignoring all calls or texts until you get home from work would be the bare minimum I would do today.

edit: by this, I mean, the bare minimum of the new way forward of managing this!

Stay strong op and stop jumping through hoops for your ungrateful parents.
Sorry DM I'm unavailable to take calls during the workday, we have a new rule. I'm sure you understand that my job is very important.
Im sorry I won't be over this weekend I have a headache, I have plans with my family, I'm seeing friends, I need time to relax.
Maybe we can sort a home delivery slot for your shopping or DB can take you . We need to look at getting you a cleaner/ home help , find a reliable taxi service. If she protests simply say maybe DB is right we need to look into a care home for you.

@howshouldibehave He doesn't send cards or even send a birthday message - never has. I used to for every birthday but I cut it back to just special ones. He's 5 years difference to me in age.

Good idea @Fraaahnces and hope you were able to get some sleep.

I like the idea of the new “No phones at work policy” too.

The party’s thing is shocking OP! Not inviting you !

stay strong. You can’t make them happy. You can make your DH and kids happy. Choose love choose your kids.

Oooh yes! This is good and easy

Nice!

Whats happened so far this weekend-have you been round there

@howshouldibehave

We went food shopping and supermarket cafe and they agreed to have shopping delivered! Might have been the weather that helped!

That’s a start-well done! Will you steer clear tomorrow?

Have you said you won’t be going to your brother’s birthday do?

I am around your parents' age, and the number they have done on your head is unconscionable. They have had their life and made their choices. You have every right in the world to do the same.

Please, OP, none of this is normal or healthy. I would suggest trauma counseling to discover why you let them treat you like dog shit on their shoes while you keep coming back time and time again for more abuse.

I'm American, and there is a famous trauma expert here who says, "choose guilt over resentment every time." You have chosen resentment. Choose guilt and tell your parents in no uncertain terms that they need to hire people to do chores and that you will check on them once a week, but no more. For your mental health, you must choose guilt. You'll feel free for the first time in your life and the guilt will soon disappear.

Your parents are not more important than you are. They are not more important than your husband, and they are absolutely not more important than your children. Act accordingly.

@howshouldibehave

That's my intention. To be fair, neither seemed to be themselves today, which was a bit concerning.

They've not mentioned the birthday do today and neither have I. I won't be bringing it up but when I am asked I'm just going to say I've got alternative plans that weekend.

I have debated whether to just say no, I'm not going rather than resorting to making up a story - but I'll see how the mood takes me at the time I'm asked.

Thanks @LifeExperience

What is the name of the trauma expert? I'll have a look at the internet at that.

I feel guilty and resentful at the same time though!

I do 'get it'. I see what happened/happening and have got in a cycle that is difficult to break.

I'm mixing up my routine a bit over the next few weeks so hopefully that will have a positive effect for me.

I remember so many times when they made decisions 'for me' that were wrong and 'right for them'. I've only realised that in the last year or so though.

Thanks for your message.

Op, they probably weren't themselves as they can sense something has changed in you and are trying to manipulate you to staying as close as you were.

You don't need to make up a story. Just tell them you already have plans.

They don't need to know the details, whether the plans are a weekend away in Italy or a long soak in the bath with hot chocolate and a good book. Both of those are plans

Thanks @EmotionalBlackmail I need training on this! It's crazy it's coming to this!

I would actually have something specific to be doing the night of his birthday, so they can’t manipulate you into revealing you don’t have plans they deem unimportant. I’d be doing x at y and it’s been in the diary for ages.

C. Send a card and present (so he can't - though probably will - diss me completely. At least I can then say to any relatives that I unfortunately could not attend but I did send a card and present?)

Just send a card and give yourself the gift of deciding not to give a shit if he disses you. Tell any relatives who care enough to bring it up with you that you and your brother don't exchange gifts.

His words are empty and meaningless. You know perfectly well he's never so much as sent you a birthday message let alone a present so so what if he has a moan about it to other people. Who's he going to moan to? Your parents, who already treat you like dirt? Your extended family, who probably don't really care one way or another? His mates, who you likely barely know?

Don't be ruled by fear of someone trash-talking you. When I left my abusive ex, I had a similar fear that he would blame the relationship breakup on me. And he did! So now I don't have to deal with his difficult family, who believed his nonsense and stopped talking to me (despite me being the mother to their grandchildren/niece and nephew).

I sometimes see his workmates and a couple of them are frostier to me than they used to be, but others are just as nice, probably because they are smart enough to clock that his story doesn't really ring true. And that's the full impact on my life. Practically nothing, actually a net positive.

Thanks @CheekyHobson

Oh he'll definitely bad mouth me to my extended family. It'd be out of character for him not to. He's a master of implying something too so the other person feels as though they've extracted info from him that he didn't want to.

The thing is I see him once in a blue moon anyway, we only run into each other accidentally really. My only link to what he's up to is my Parents and he's especially as thick as thieves with my Mum.

He's only asking me so he thinks I'll struggle with my Parents at the party, be spoken about negatively by them - and others he's misinformed about me.

DEFINITELY NOT GOING TO THE PARTY!

My Husband thinks he's making a big deal about it as he may announce he's getting or is engaged and getting married (as it does seem like a big party from what I've been told). So I might have a full calendar of things to do.

But even though I don't want to go and put myself in the mix - I don't want to feel as though I'm running away. Does that make sense?

I feel vile for typing this but it's the way it is. I mean nothing to him and I'm sick of feeling like a fool.

Going LC with your parents and NC with him isn't running away it's putting up boundaries.

Give yourself the gift of freedom from the FOG - fear obligation guilt.

You will have so much more time and energy for yourself and immediate family.

Your parents and brother will badmouth you and criticise regardless of how much or little you do.

Do you spend any quality time with your children and husband?

All your time appears to be taken up by your parents,who treat you like shit.

Ah OP this is so sad. Perhaps it will help you to imagine you teleport thirty years into the future and hear what your children are saying about you. What would it be, based on your situation now? Perhaps that you gave them too little time because you prioritised their grandparents? Perhaps that you tried so hard to win your parents love but never did?

Then imagine what you'd like them to be saying, and how you might effect that. More family days? More time spent helping kids do homework or think about future jobs or do hobbies? It's not just about the time you devote to your parents is it, it's the mental energy thinking about their needs instead of your nuclear family. Gradually cutting back is great but your heart will always be breaking piece by piece if you let them keep treating you this way. The only real solution is to not let them emotionally blackmail you any more - which means either NC or VLC. But good luck with the cutting back - it's an important step forward in your 'deprogramming.'

Don’t warn your parents that you are not going to the party. Just be vague about it and let them know that you’ll have to check with DH and see if there’s anything on. You haven’t actually been invited anyway.

Also, a little American, but check out The Crappy Childhood Fairy on YouTube. There is no way you have grown up like this without developing C-PTSD. (Explains why your lovely DH described you as shut down. It was a learned coping mechanism.) It’s digestible and specific to circumstances. I found her very helpful.
EMDR therapy is hard to find but very very helpful for “desensitizing” yourself to triggers.
You have had a lifetime of programming to jump to their tune. It’s not so easy to switch off. When you change how you react to them you begin to feel like you are expecting the end of the world. The feeling of building anxiety is overwhelming. This is because you knew as a child it was inevitable that you were going to get in trouble at some stage, so it was better to get it over and done with sooner rather than later, rather than sitting in anticipation. That never leaves you.
And Darling, you are not a fool. You have a husband who sees you. You have kids who see you. The fools are your parents and brother who are trapped in this fantasy world and can’t see how amazing you really are. Their identity is so fragile they have needed to build this world around them and it’s going be painful for them to build it up again when they have to look at themselves when you are no longer there to fit their narrative.

**I wanted to add that the reason you shouldn’t get involved in conversations about bro’s bday is because the only reason they want you to know about it at all is because a) They want you to drive them b) They don’t want to spend money on a cab c) They don’t want to inconvenience Golden Balls - or worse, miss out AND d) It gives the impression of one big loving family with the kids who do everything for them.

FUCK THAT!

Let DH make it clear that you are not going and sorting out their lift is not your responsibility either - When and if they ask you to drive them…. Until then, just play dumb and say “What? I wasn’t invited!”