Sneaky family behaviour? Or normal?

[JustLaura]

Any advice appreciated!

I am the middle child of 3 and the only Daughter.

Throughout my childhood, it was made known to me that my 2 male siblings were more important than me. Just a couple of examples: my Parents did not go to my parent evenings at school as it was "pointless" and "girls just have children". I was openly discussed in the 3rd person at family gatherings: "I don't think she will amount to anything" and "no-one will be bothered about her" etc ... I could go on. All this was in front of me.

Even when I attained a good job, I was constantly compared to my siblings and others, and told what they had more than me.

My elder Brother and Wife catastrophically fell out with my Parents years ago, then they moved away and have not spoken to any of the family since. It all stemmed from my Parents repeatedly asking leading questions to their children and prying into their relationship/financial situation.

My younger Brother is now 'the golden child' and can do no wrong in their eyes.

I am now the person that cares for them and takes them out. Youngest sibling will visit them once a week to eat a meal that my Mum has cooked for him and then he leaves. He does no household chores for them when he visits and tells my Mum that I need to do x, y, and z.
We are not in contact with each other and he recently has been saying to my parents that he's seen me or my car in different places, implying I'm not at work or I'm on leave and haven't told my Parents that I'm on leave. My sibling even constructed a situation where he said to my Mum I'd spoken negatively about him to a relative (I hadn't) and made out he was upset. My Mum then questioned me about it (I was oblivious) and she said if she found out I had lied to her that I would be cut off from them. (Again implying he is more important).

I now try to raise any issues as they happen but they continue to try to twist anything I say to the point where I can't speak openly as I know whatever I say will get distorted. It was even commented that there must be a 'lot of dirt to find out' as I was defensive.

I'm now being 'checked on' too - even at work I get a 5/6 phonecalls a day for no reason as well as calls when I'm not at their house.

Recently when I've been doing chores for them, I've overheard my Mum specifically asking my children probing questions or suddenly saying something to try and prompt them. Is this normal behaviour?

Mum either says I'm making her upset and feel ill or ignores me when I raise any points.

What do I do?

I'm increasingly drained by all of this and it's starting to consume me.

This is exactly what I was thinking. If they sense you are pulling away @JustLaura they’ll agree to stuff to keep you on side. Trouble is, people like this tend to then ramp things up and get even nastier. Be careful. And FWIW, I wouldn’t send your brother anything. Not even a card. I was in this exact same situation after going no contact, worrying over what to do for my relatives birthday. I didn’t send anything in the end. 10 years NC now and feel SO much better for it.

This says it all so much better than I ever could @Fraaahnces

Wow this has me so angry on your behalf.

They are narcissistic, abusive and controlling. The whole situation is designed so that you will feel guilty no matter what. It's designed that way to keep you in your place.

So....let's just remind you of a few things here.

You are worthy

Your are important

You matter

Your family (DH and children) matter

They are taking anything and everything they can from you and you will not feel better for it once they are gone. The whole point of it is to make you feel guilty so please remember that. They do not care. This is very hard to grasp as a caring person, because how they behave seems insane to people like you and me etc.

It doesn't matter what title a person has - mum dad sister brother child wife husband etc etc. it's just a label. It doesn't mean anything. What means something is peoples behaviours, people's actions. Having one of those labels doesn't mean you are stuck with them or have to do things for them when it means putting yourself last.

Life is very very short. You have a husband and children. Please use your time to make sure you and your family have a brilliant relationship, because even if you don't think it is, this is definitely affecting your family because it's affecting you. Don't let your parents and arsehole brother take any more of you.

Look how strong you are. You've become everything they decided you wouldn't be. You haven't achieved because of them. You've achieved because of you. You are much much stronger than you think but their actions and behaviours have driven you down to keep you in a certain place. They will not change how they see you or react to you. They will just perhaps change how they manipulate you.

You are mourning parents you would have wanted, not actually who they are. You are not obligated to them in any way.

Every time you pull away and put yourself first - eventually it will make you stronger and you will find it easier. Do you want your children to think this is normal behaviour? Would you rather be spending time with them and making happy memories? Ask yourself what would you rather be doing....and then do that.

I don't believe in regret because you can't change the past and regret only wastes our now.....but that being said, if you do this for the rest of their lives, which is definitely taking time away from you and your family and massively affecting your mental health, will you look back and say 'I'm so glad I gave that time to them and not to me and my children and husband?' I can guarantee you will not ever say this.

Say it out loud to friends more. The more support you have the easier you will find it. I don't know how much you speak to your husband about it but speak more. The more you hide this the more you will feel guilty and it's what they want. To keep you exactly where they want you to be at any given time.

Please re read this. You are important. You are not a bad person. You are allowed to live your life exactly how you want. People will say and think whatever they are going to say and think, regardless of your opinion. So you may as well live your life for you eh? What a wonderful caring person you are. Take all that and put it into you and your family. Please. I promise you won't regret it.

And finally, have a hug. You really deserve it

He's only asking me so he thinks I'll struggle with my Parents at the party

What sort of struggle do you mean? Conversationally?

So your brother hasn't invited you to his party the way he invited his other guests with an invite in June. That speaks volumes in itself. You've had an 'invite' via your parents who need a lift/escort (want to exploit you). It's all very disrespectful and you're worrying how to disengage without upsetting the applecart. Why? They're not going to treat you any better. It won't make any difference to how they see you/treat you.

If you reached deep down into your true feelings what would you do? My monies on tell your parents you're not going, no explanation. Let them tell your brother and don't worry about the fallout because you have no control over these nasty people. As long as you keep engaging they're going to rattle your cage.

I didn't go to my brother's big birthday do (first time ever I let him down) although I made a large contribution to the fund for a substantial gift. His retaliation was to send me a man's watch (a great big heavy metal thing that swamped my tiny wrist) for my big birthday the next year. I laughed. It was so pathetic and expected. Said watch was sold to a male colleague of mine. You can't take the contempt out of a sibling who sees you as inferior.

Thanks @Fraaahnces The "getting it over sooner rather than later" definitely applies

Jesus Christ...get rid of them and live your life, they sound like awful people, I'm sorry. It seems like they have conditioned you from a young age. Do you feel able to distance yourself from them?

@maxybrown I'm going to print it out! Thanks. This is the situation in a nutshell. I do 'get it' and I 'see' what is happening. When I first said it to my DH he was like "Yes!". I realise this has to stop.

I don't want to not speak to my Parents and they are elderly - but I can never forgive or forget my Brothers behaviour.

The thing is ..you don't HAVE to do any of this, you are choosing to. I realize it is very easy for me to say but you have to start CHOOSING to live your own life. They won't die, they sound like the kind of people who wouldn't give you the satisfaction.

@howshouldibehave

Physically and emotionally.
They are elderly.

He relishes in spreading inaccurate information about me.

Any party or event is his stage.

@Teacherprebaby

I have no issue distancing myself from my Brother.

I do want to remain in contact with my Parents as they are elderly. I don't want to think I'm the cause of any anguish for them as they're getting frail.

I can't let things continue as they are though which is why I'm making gradual changes now.

U not accepting their abuse or control is not u causing anguish to them. I think u would benefit from therapy to see that.

I'm just so confused about everything involving them.

Why does my Brother do this?

I found out about 5 years ago and I'm so upset to type this... My Dad told me that my Brother had said at a meal out with relatives "I don't know what her Husband sees in her whatsoever" and then backed it up again by saying his girlfriend agrees with him.

I don't know or want to know what the rest of the conversation was.

From then on I withdrew away from him. I only see him by accident as such now.

Your parents were once young and abusive, now they are elderly and abusive.

They have not changed in all the years since. They have made you feel responsible for them; they are truly reprehensible as people. You were given and or otherwise assigned the scapegoat role from an early age and as a result your own family unit are similarly exploited too. Your brother has always spread lies about you, such smear campaigns are meat and potatoes to narcissistic types. You hear about this because they have other well meaning but all too easily manipulated family and or others (flying monkeys) to do their bidding. They have their own agenda and delight in telling you same. These FMs do not have your interests at heart and so their opinion should be ignored.

Drop the rope that these people hold out to you; it does not matter what they think but you have been conditioned from an early age to think the sky will fall in if you do anything to "upset" them. With you entirely out of the way hopefully your parents and brother will go onto further turn against each other.

Many people who start reading the Stately Homes thread are like you in that they think of their parents were not that bad. Indeed some new posters write that. What matters is how 'YOU' felt growing up, how 'YOU' feel now and a chance to talk about how and why those childhood experiences and/ or current parental contact, has left you feeling damaged, falling apart from the inside out and stumbling around trying to find your sense of self-worth. Because you truly are sadly and that is affecting your own family unit markedly.

You ask why does your brother do this.

Well its because he can and feels absolutely entitled to do so. It makes him feel big and important tearing you down. He being the golden child most of the time knows no different but again this is a role not without price either. He is unaware of this. That is why you have to withdraw completely from your family of origin like your other brother has done. You are ulimately going to have to do the self same.

In your above upsetting scenario your dad here played the role of flying monkey to perfection. I daresay as well your father said nothing to at all defend your choice of man so capitulated to his son. Women like your mother cannot do relationships at all so always need a willing enabler to help them, that person here is your dad and he cannot be at all relied upon either. He is your mother's secondary abuser. He will keep on throwing you under the bus as well for a want of self preservation and a quiet life.

Why do you want to stay in contact with your abusive parents just because they are elderly?

@BeeCucumber I still love them and care about them. They might not be around much longer? No-one else will check on them or look after them.

Do read "Children of the Self Absorbed" by Nina W Brown and "Will I ever be good enough?" by Karyl McBride.

The crappy childhood fairy videos on Youtube are also well worth watching as is Dr Ramani.

Please look into finding a therapist you can work with and someone at that who has no familial bias about keeping families like the one you have come from together. Interview such people carefully and at length before choosing any particular one.

Don't care what your brother thinks or says, just don't. If anyone repeats stuff back to you do a tired eye-roll and say "Brother sees everything as him being completely perfect and me being completely imperfect. Life just isn't like that!"

People will agree that life isn't like that, but most importantly YOU need to hear that life isn't like that. Don't get into any specifics about what was actually said, just dismiss it like a toddler fantasy of the time they went to the moon.

"I still love them and care about them. They might not be around much longer? No-one else will check on them or look after them".

Oh Laura, you have well and truly gone down a rabbit hole here in thinking this of them. THEY installed these thoughts in you. Be instead tired of being the last person who matters in your family of origin's dysfunctional family unit. These people were once young and abusive, now they are old and abusive. Any figures in authority they were potentially afraid of have long since died off.

You love them but their actions towards you have really never been loving ones have they?. These people have made the terrible choice not to love. Why is it on you to check in on them or otherwise look after them; your golden child brother does not and he's not expected to do so by them either. They demand and otherwise expect you to check in on them and or look after them even if they needed help only a nursing home could provide. Golden Balls brother will have long left them by then.

Let's reframe the above; do you think your parents still love and care about you?. They are using you for what they can get out of you; they do not care that your time with them is time taken away from your own family. Their actions towards you are abusive and manipulative and are certainly not loving ones.

Do you think your eldest brother did the right thing in cutting all contact?.

Its hard to unsee all this when your eyes are fully opened.

Your parents being elderly now is no reason or basis to remain in contact with them. I think you are still scrabbling around looking for their approval even as an adult which is problematic in its own right. You're also perhaps looking for the unicorn combination of words and deeds which would make them say sorry Laura that we've been wrong here re you and so otherwise treat you better (sadly that will never happen). Your own inertia when it comes to your parents hurts your own family unit as well as you, that's also the fear obligation and guilt.

What you currently do not realise is that you do not need your parents approval, not that they would ever give this to you anyway.

This has been a very good thread for me to read as I am in a similar situation, but now seeing a therapist who is helping me think for myself again. One of the things she made me realise is that my family have the ability to stop me thinking clearly.

When people are secretive and odd in their communication and aren't straightforward it is both draining and also confusing and takes a lot of energy to deal with. Freedom is possible but my therapist has made clear it's about very small steps, one by one. Even reducing your phone contact is a start for you. What I am learning is to be smart about dealing with them, to make small steps and to stay conscious and aware rather than letting them shut me down or dismiss me or be obedient. Disobey them, even in the smallest things. I was talking to my mum today about a career situation and I knew the conversation was being guided towards me putting myself down, dismissing an achievement, playing it down. I refused. Little things like that, small steps.

Also this thread has made given me a new phrase - The Suddenly Useful Scapegoat.

Not being invited to things really resonates, it's strange though how when there is work to be done the family scapegoat is told exactly what's what!!

Wishing you peace and freedom with your heart family, and strong boundaries with your blood family.

Do you mean he will sit back and let you drive them to his house, sit and fetch them food and drink all day at the party whilst he has little to do with them?

What do you think he will be like with them at his party if you aren’t there? Will he fuss o er them or ignore them? Will they be alone or are other relatives going? Would they mind him ignoring them? Will he drive to collect them and take them home again?

But your father choose to tell you this!

Don't you think it is telling about him too?

And I'd really suggest getting therapy and making more time and space for those who do love you. Your husband and children.

It seems as though your brother is projecting what he has been taught by your parent's behavior from a young age. It does not excuse his behavior of course, he is now an adult. Therapy would be a great next step for you. I wish you the best but I hope you take advice if you really want to your life to improve.

They DO NOT deserve you, regardless of their age. Old people can be assholes too. They CHOOSE to behave like this, remember that.