Sneaky family behaviour? Or normal?

[JustLaura]

Any advice appreciated!

I am the middle child of 3 and the only Daughter.

Throughout my childhood, it was made known to me that my 2 male siblings were more important than me. Just a couple of examples: my Parents did not go to my parent evenings at school as it was "pointless" and "girls just have children". I was openly discussed in the 3rd person at family gatherings: "I don't think she will amount to anything" and "no-one will be bothered about her" etc ... I could go on. All this was in front of me.

Even when I attained a good job, I was constantly compared to my siblings and others, and told what they had more than me.

My elder Brother and Wife catastrophically fell out with my Parents years ago, then they moved away and have not spoken to any of the family since. It all stemmed from my Parents repeatedly asking leading questions to their children and prying into their relationship/financial situation.

My younger Brother is now 'the golden child' and can do no wrong in their eyes.

I am now the person that cares for them and takes them out. Youngest sibling will visit them once a week to eat a meal that my Mum has cooked for him and then he leaves. He does no household chores for them when he visits and tells my Mum that I need to do x, y, and z.
We are not in contact with each other and he recently has been saying to my parents that he's seen me or my car in different places, implying I'm not at work or I'm on leave and haven't told my Parents that I'm on leave. My sibling even constructed a situation where he said to my Mum I'd spoken negatively about him to a relative (I hadn't) and made out he was upset. My Mum then questioned me about it (I was oblivious) and she said if she found out I had lied to her that I would be cut off from them. (Again implying he is more important).

I now try to raise any issues as they happen but they continue to try to twist anything I say to the point where I can't speak openly as I know whatever I say will get distorted. It was even commented that there must be a 'lot of dirt to find out' as I was defensive.

I'm now being 'checked on' too - even at work I get a 5/6 phonecalls a day for no reason as well as calls when I'm not at their house.

Recently when I've been doing chores for them, I've overheard my Mum specifically asking my children probing questions or suddenly saying something to try and prompt them. Is this normal behaviour?

Mum either says I'm making her upset and feel ill or ignores me when I raise any points.

What do I do?

I'm increasingly drained by all of this and it's starting to consume me.

I think also that we get treated as well as we expect. So if we value ourselves highly, other people do too. Not saying that is universal and fortunately there are people who will be nice to us even when we have low self esteem. But in general, I do think people will reflect back what we put out. You dont value your time? Neither will they. I do think it is really common to take for granted people who are always there - my parents certainly did this to me and got really nasty at one point (some very fucked up dynamics). I walked away, took a break and ramped down what I offered to do for them. My mother finally raised it. I told her they obviously did not think much of me, so I was going to limit how much they had to put up with me. It made a difference.

Update on Day 1 of Regaining Control of My Life:

Though this may still sound a lot, it's good progress.

3 calls in total today.
8 texts and I expect 1 more text shortly.

I think my Mum thinks there's something odd going on though and has told me a list of jobs for me to do and was hinting about where to go at the weekend. I have said to ask my Brother to do some of the jobs but she provided a load of excuses for him..... he's got a headache, he's stressed as he works very hard, he's too busy, he needs some downtime as he doesn't have spare time...

I will be reducing my time there substantially this weekend and that's how it's going to continue.

Oh but this is a cracker!!!
I've found out that my Brother is having a BIG birthday party in October. Invites were sent out in June (I didn't receive one). Fine by me - I'd rather not go BUT he's now realised that he will have to get my Parents to the venue - so surprise surprise he's (supposedly) asked my Mum to invite me! My Mum hasn't specifically mentioned taking them but that's what it is.

I decided not to react/comment even though my gut reaction was there's not a chance I will be going.

It will get turned around on me of course!

This!!

They treat you like shit - but you let them. Get angry. Stand up for yourself!

Find out the date and make sure you have a prior arrangement.

Where does your mum want you to take her this weekend? Do you take the kids/DH as well? Saturday or Sunday?

he's got a headache, he's stressed as he works very hard, he's too busy, he needs some downtime as he doesn't have spare time...

use all of those excuses back at her.

You know how little they think of you- they’ve told you that all of your life. Let that set you free. Why bother being the ‘good daughter’? Think of everything you do and you’re still treated like shit.
If you stop and start acting more like your brother, I guarantee that they will value you more and treat you better.
drop the rope

Please
Please
Please

Starting putting your DC, DH and self above your parents.

You need to learn "No".

I think you’ve already got plans for the night of your brother’s birthday party! Stay strong op.

I haven't been on here in an age but didn't want to read and run. Echo the suggestion of Stately Homes, I found it a huge source of support.

If you're not going no contact at this stage, be ready for behavior to escalate in response to you setting boundaries. Phrases like "oh dear" "mmmm" "that doesn't work for me" can be useful.

I'm just over four years no contact. Best decision ever. Good luck!

Oh I will!

Food shopping or general shopping or for a meal out. It varies week to week.

@iloveacurry Oh yeah had that planned for ages. 😉Such a shame I can't make it!

PLEASE tell them you told your DH about the party and he said he had something to tell you…
he has booked a surprise weekend away as you have been SO stressed lately and it’s on that EXACT weekend so you can’t go to the party! <sad face> 😅😅😅
if ONLY you had known earlier!!!!
then let silence hang in the air and say vagaries like “ohhh that’s a good question, i don’t know!”, “I’m not too sure” and “DB is a better person to ask” a lot…

my DHs parents were like this when we first started dating he was trained to be a “good compliant dutiful boy”.
I had zero time for this nonsense and vividly remember arguing with him and yelling “tell your parents it’s called a taxi! Thousands of people use one EVERY FUCKING DAY!!!!!”

This sounds very dysfunctional and unhealthy, I think if you ever get any free time you should get some counselling as to why you feel so responsible for them after the way they have treated you.

Op, I feel so sorry for you. Your parents aren't needy. They are abusive. Everyone in this dynamic - your parents and your brother - are getting off on sticking it to you. The sausage roll thing - that wasn't a need. That was a deliberate attempt to ruin your evening and telling you that it was for your brother's lunch was the cherry on top for them. They probably don't even know that their actions are motivated by cruelty anymore - it is just a way of living for them.

You really need to talk to a good therapist about this because your reactions are those of an abused woman - your boundaries have gone thanks to them.

I don't think that gradually diminishing contact is going to work. Why would it? They don't care about you (sorry) and it is important for them to have you to kick around (sorry again). Decide what would be an ideal amount of time to contact them (never would be ideal - your older brother had the right idea) and decide on that. Maybe one weekend day every second weekend and a call every second day. No cleaning, no running around. just visit.

Then, I strongly agree with the poster upthread who suggested your husband convey this to them. He should go over there on his own and tell your parents that he is very angry at how they treat you as a servant. That you are his wife and the mother of his children and it is going to stop now - you will only be going over (whatever you have decided) and the daily phone calls won't be answered. They may just accept it from a man. Either way remember they can't force you to do anything. Yes they may be scammed by your brother, yes they will say awful things about you (they do now anyway), yes they will die someday. So what?

With regard to my Brother's BIG birthday party, which I WILL NOT be attending:

Would you A, B or C?:

A. Just forget it completely

B. Send a card (he NEVER sends me cards/presents. My Mum used to write cards and send presents from him until I was 20! BUT I ALWAYS send him cards when it's a special birthday)

C. Send a card and present (so he can't - though probably will - diss me completely. At least I can then say to any relatives that I unfortunately could not attend but I did send a card and present?)

Also, I've not had a physical invite - my Mum could be just saying I'm invited???

I vote B

its keeps it classy and is low effort.
Also it gives you the opportunity to say how very sorry you are you can’t be there. 😆

I agree with B.

I've read the whole thread. There is not enough emphasis here on the damage to your children.

Recently when I've been doing chores for them, I've overheard my Mum specifically asking my children probing questions or suddenly saying something to try and prompt them. Is this normal behaviour?

No, absolutely not. You said this is partly why your older brother cut contact, and this is what has opened your eyes recently.

NEVER, EVER LET THIS WOMAN NEAR YOUR CHILDREN AGAIN.

You can mess around cutting down the phone calls and texts from 20 per day to 5 to 3, you can faff with deciding about birthday cards and what not.
You are missing the big picture, the most important thing - your children.
You have to protect your children from these abusers - no-one else will.
Tell your DH all about this and ask him to help you keep your children away. Tell him why it is so important.

Get yourself into therapy, urgently. (This is said sincerely, not as an insult to you).

One more thing - you mentioned worrying about if they will "decline" without you stepping in to stop it.
They will decline anyway. They will get ill and one day they will die.
Everybody gets ill and dies.
Make your peace with this.
You cannot stop them dying, and it is not your responsibility to try.
It is not even your responsibility to care: they never cared for you - you got nothing but abuse.

Honestly, I think it would be easier to "rip the plaster off" in one go and just block them, and your brother, on everything. Don't answer the door if they come round. Ask your DH about moving house and not telling them - seriously, I am not exaggerating.

@JustLaura you'll feel at home on the stately homes thread!

Your family are toxic, insipid individuals. Sounds like you're in a narcissistic family cult. It's soul destroying on every level.

Thanks @Pantaloons99

I'm just back from that thread. I've started to think my Parents aren't that bad after reading some posts. Scary.

It's odd. Only on Day one of trying to reduce contact but I almost feel like I'm grieving.

@JustLaura yeah that's what I thought. And then the more and more I read about this, the more I spoke with my counsellor, the more my instincts kicked in, the more and more I started to ' see' and it was a hideous realisation to me.

Even if your parents are not blatantly hurting you physically or name calling, the damage they can do is so horrendous and alot of it you've possibly blocked out. For your brother and wife to cut them entirely, they're probably capable of quite alot of emotional damage.

Grieve that it is necessary, not that you are liberating yourself.

I grieved for the family and life I never had, for the little girl who was so sad and anxious, desperate to feel loved. I grieved for the life I would never have - the loving and supportive mother daughter relationship, the shared holidays and Christmases. There's no one way to feel, but grief is pretty necessary.

Also, please don't minimise your experience. There will be worse parents out there, it doesn't make your parents actions any less damaging x

You’ve had a lifetime of appalling treatment from your family, OP. You’ve been conditioned to think you’re not important and it has resulted in you beconing the family skivvy.

You need to stop. If your parents need help they will need to find it elsewhere. Either your brother or paid carers. They don’t deserve your help and helping them won’t make them love you.

Take a massive step back. Stop answering the phone calls, stop going round and doing their chores. Focus on yourself and your family.

What does he do for your birthdays now-big or otherwise?

Just out of interest, how old is he- is he much younger than you

I couldn’t sleep last night. (Aus). So much of this was like my own family. The more I think about this, the more I think it might be worth your husband ringing up and losing his shit at your selfish parents. They have form for dismissing you entirely. They listen to men. If he lay down some rules and explain that you are not their staff member, they are making you ill and need to sort their own shit out, they may take him seriously.
(This may require more than one phonecall.)

You need to start meeting your family with the same energy that they meet you:-
Bro’s Bday? - Sweet Fuck All
Why? You were too busy at work, cleaning parent’s house, running around after parents, buying sausage fucking rolls in the middle of the night, looking after your own home, your own kids, etc.

Please ensure you have a lovely, relaxing weekend away/abroad booked for you and your family that weekend. Portugal looks lovely. Sunshine, pool, book.
Phone off. Surprise trip organised by lovely husband?