Is people pleasing manipulative?

[Lookatthesun83]

I’m just wondering. I have a family member who literally lives by trying to please everyone. Going out of their way to appear perfect and nice and overly accommodating.

Can you explain a bit more about why you think this is manipulative?

Not necessarily, your relative just sounds like a nice person.

I was wondering why you think this behaviour is manipulative as well. People pleasing behaviour often comes about from wanting to parent please.

I am a tired people pleaser and have been accused of being manipulative by people who “call a spade a spade” I suppose it is manipulative as I want everyone to like me and everyone to be happy. Of course it never turns out like that. I end up sometimes being in situations where, had I been more selfish, I wouldn’t have. But I really can’t help it. It’s my nature built on from narc mother. It’s who I am and I can’t change.

I have a family member who literally lives by trying to please everyone.
This (above) is different to this: Going out of their way to appear perfect and nice and overly accommodating.

People pleasers are people who can't say no, who are always trying to accommodate everyone else, often to their own detriment.

The way you phrase the second part suggests that the person is not actually trying to please everyone but to pretend they are, while not actually doing anything nice. That's a completely different thing and yes, that would be manipulative.

Maybe but it seems so OTT. She even smiles at the sexual jokes her partner makes about her in front of his parents, when you can see she is uncomfortable. She posts a lot on social media about how nice she is and how everyone likes her. Perhaps it’s me but it feels odd.

Does she get something out of it??

Not sure how this can be manipulative, unless you mean they do so in the hopes of people doing nice things for them in return? But that's kind of just....being social.You treat people as you'd hope to be treated type thing. Or if you think of it as trying to 'manipulate' people to like you, again - is this not just being human? We're nice to people as part of the social contract, some people are just much more accommodating and nice.

It's not necessarily always an entirely good thing - it can often be done for reasons of insecurity or because of the way your parents treated you, etc - but I can only think of 'harm' to an individual in not having their own boundaries, rather than to anyone else.

Only if its on the basis that they expect a lot in return and show upset if others don't reciprocate to the same degree

Another post where you appear to be describing two completely different personality types:
Maybe but it seems so OTT. She even smiles at the sexual jokes her partner makes about her in front of his parents, when you can see she is uncomfortable.
This is classic people pleaser - she's going to do anything she can (or thinks she can) to keep the peach. Doesn't like conflict. Doesn't like to correct people.

She posts a lot on social media about how nice she is and how everyone likes her. Perhaps it’s me but it feels odd.
I don't think people pleasers do this. They are the way they are because they're constantly terrified of people NOT liking them.

She suffers terrible anxiety and I know she is on medication. I often feel like she just wants everyone to like her. She can’t work because she always feels people don’t like her and have it in for her. When in reality not everyone wants someone constantly trying to please them. I find it manipulative.

Could be that she's socially anxious and just wants to get through social situations she isn't comfortable in. I'm a bit like that, but I certainly don't go posting on FB that I'm so nice and everyone loves me. That's a bit odd

I did think that and I know she is anxious. But when you talk to her she will say I don’t like women, they are all bitchy etc, I don’t need friends they all bitchy. I end up doing so much for them and in the end they don’t do it in return.

It stems from a fear of confrontation or abandonment. Like you can't say no to someone as you're scared they'll hate you forever, bad mouth you to others, that it makes you a bad person in everyone's eyes etc.
Problem being you often end up pissing everyone off and seemingly two faced or scatty or insincere/untrustworthy. So it can be a vicious circle.
I'm like that a bit and it comes from PTSD from losing my dad as a kid and never having any therapy or support.
If it appears manipulative then it's a sad consequence of a behaviour that isn't really healthy. It can be improved upon though. Needing to learn that saying no to something is ok. Nobody will think less of you. Quite the opposite.

I became a people pleaser having grown up in a narcissistic dysfunctional family. I would never in a million years go out my way on social media to big myself up. In fact, I shy away from all public engagement like that.

The behaviour you describe absolute can be manipulative but it isn't entirely attributable to people pleasing. The excessive present buying - I know people who do this who are covert narcissist - it's just to appear nice. I know another who will become very angry if you don't reciprocate the level of generosity. Alot of people pleasers just desperately want peace and to keep the peace having lived in hideously unpredictable and scary environments!

Yes it makes them look fake and un trustworthy because you don’t know the real person, like a chameleon they aren’t fixed. I can’t find a way into a relationship with her. It’s my SIL.

People who find people pleasing manipulative, rather than just trying to be a decent person, are likely to be nice to someone only when they want something. They are the manipulative ones.

That doesn't sound like people pleasing though...being hypercritical of other people to feel better about herself (women are so bitchy and I don't need any friends) is more like lashing out due to an old trauma maybe? She doesn't sound like she's in a very good place tbh and I'm sure she is no picnic to be around. Do you have a close relationship? It is OK to put some distance between you if you need to

Perhaps you are right but in a way it is manipulation because you can’t control the peace.

@Lookatthesun83 whatever the reason and the personality type going on here, your gut is telling you something is off. So listen to it! That just means be very careful with what you divulge and the depth of emotional engagement you go into with her.

You are absolutely right in this. She has caused some issues with me and MIL. I think she thinks that MIL is hers as she has put in a lot of work. She has passed on some in true comments to cause a rift.

It's interesting that you haven't given a single example of her doing something to actually please anyone? Every single example you've given is your SIL being bitchy, or mean, or complaining about other people.

So I'm going to go with she could be:

• just a not very nice person
• a covert narcissist (they are permanent victims, THINK they're doing nice things but really aren't, and often put up with shitty behaviour because actually, it feeds that victim narrative and excuses poor behaviour from them).
• Have severe mental health issues
• Be in an abusive relationship

Your relative isn't trying to keep the peace though. She sounds pretty confrontational.

I don't. Think she is a classic people pleaser, so think you may need to choose different language to refer to her

I honestly think she needs to have people thank her and think she is amazing. I feel like it’s a competition I have joined unexpectedly. The constant posts about how her kids, partner, in laws are amazing and perfect. How her life is absolutely perfect. How everyone loves her because of how helpful to others she is. There is never any real talk about
the hard part of kids or when funny things go wrong. Even when it goes wrong it’s perfect. It’s really odd. Anyway I’m probably rambling.

That doesn't sound like people pleasing though - more like vanity?