Is people pleasing manipulative?

[Lookatthesun83]

I’m just wondering. I have a family member who literally lives by trying to please everyone. Going out of their way to appear perfect and nice and overly accommodating.

I have read something earlier that says sometimes under the people pleasing identity there isn’t really anything in some people. The identity has been squashed and abandoned in its child like state, often in pain. The happy pleaser is a mask and it can’t be removed.

I hear you 💐
Although I do think you can change because it's "just" a defense mecanism: if it doesn't suit you anymore, you can work to change it. I know I am...

I don’t keep trying - I feel devastated and then avoid them forever.

If I don’t like someone, I equally avoid as that’s an uncomfortable feeling for me too.

Not healthy - but that’s the way it is for me! It rarely happens. I am not controversial enough (in real life) to cause dislike. I am genuinely nice to people and I really like people.

People pleasers avoid conflict though - “after everything I’ve done for you” is conflict. I don’t think that’s people pleasing behaviour she’s displaying. It’s not healthy (neither is pleasing!) but I don’t think it’s the same.

I wonder if that’s why MiL and SiL get on so well as they are both people pleasers. I’m not so I get avoided because I will say when I’m not happy about something, I won’t just do things to avoid. I don’t put everyone else’s needs before my own (not including kids) my relationships need to be balanced and bring something to me as I to them. I’m not looking for likes to make me feel good but it’s nice to have relationships that make you feel good also.

I know my MiL has taught my SIL to put her partners needs before her own and she dotes on him with absolutely everything. There isn’t really time for friends or a social life it’s all about him. MiL tried to push this view onto me but it never worked. I love their son but I am an equal, I don’t put all my needs on hold for him and worship him. She got annoyed with me because I “made” him change nappies and look after baby. This was my job in her eyes but it’s an equal job in mine. I don’t think we are ever going to be close because she sees me I think as selfish because I hold on to my identity.

I'm curious what your relationship with your own family is like?

And what about sil's relationship with her family?

I would say normal with my family. I’ve got my mum and brother as I lost my dad. We all have our own quite independent lives and get together as we don’t all live in the same place.

From what I can see the SIL is the same with them, goes around doing all the errands, they all live in the same village. She waits for her partner to finish work then they go and do all the errands etc for others. Perhaps I’ve got it wrong and she genuinely been brought up to please and I think there is an abandonment issue there. If my partner left I’d be fine, I have my own house and he has his. I don’t need him for anything. Whereas she has never worked, not married and she needs him a whole load. I get it. I think sometimes perhaps we persuade ourselves it’s all good and perfect because we have no choice, our life depends on it.

On the outside she seems really kind and we’d be friends. But when you talk to her she has aligned her beliefs to the wrong people. She judges parents and children and is very naive to the world and it’s been insulting. I guess that’s the downside with people pleasing you can end up mirroring the wrong people because you think you need them.

I don’t know why you keep calling her a people pleaser when it’s been explained by several people that that’s not what her behaviour points to at all.

You say she’s judgmental of your parenting and tries to convince everyone she’s perfect but that’s exactly what you’re doing here. You’ve went to great pains to tell us all how authentic and independent you are, and how you don’t need your partner but she isn’t and she’s never worked, etc. Like you’re trying to convince us (and yourself) that you’re better than her.

From your other threads, there are obviously bigger issues at play here and you seem to be fixating on this woman and making her a scapegoat. Mute her on Facebook, mute the family group chat and have minimal contact with your in laws. Stop trying to force something that’s not there. Focus on the people in your life who love and understand you and forget about everyone else.

Sorry more stuff keeps happening and I struggle to understand what is going on.

By stuff keeps happening, do you mean things you’ve seen on Facebook? If so, then you really need to detach yourself from this. Your partner’s parents don’t seem to be very nice or welcoming people when it comes to you and your kids and that’s all you need to know. But don’t internalise that - it’s nothing you’ve done, you’re not a a bad person and the fact you won’t mould yourself to fit into this unhealthy dynamic is admirable.

I know you had expectations of it being all happy families and rainbows but it rarely works like that, and imo you’ve had a lucky escape. If it’s really as toxic as it seems, why on earth would you want to be part of it? You’re never going to have the kind of relationship with them that you’ve probably idealised, so stop wasting your energy trying to understand them. It’s futile. Seriously, distance yourself and mute them on socials and you’ll feel a weight lift off your shoulders.

I know all this I really do. I’ve been ill with the flu past few days and in bed and my mind is wondering again after the meet up we had in the week. I just can’t understand any of it. Why talk on social media or say a nice thing about a photo but literally not even look at me in real life. It’s so confusing.

Kindly, OP you’ve been given lots of really good advice but you obviously don’t get the answers you want hence the constant repetitive threads so I’ll bow out after this.

The Facebook stuff is performative, so it looks like they’re the doting grandparents or aunt to the outside world. It’s all about how they appear to others. Social media is not real life and I urge you to not look for meaning in likes and comments. If you find your mind wandering while you’re ill, pick up a book or put on a film or a podcast. This fixation isn’t healthy and isn’t doing you any good.

How they treat you and your kids is who they really are. Take control - you get to decide who you have in your life. Stop giving these people power over you.

I tend to agree with @lavendermoonx You are trying to put rational reasons to things that are not rational. I get how difficult that can be. But you have to understand that some people honestly just don't think or behave like normal, rational humans and the longer you wait for a reason or for them to change, the longer you're going to continue to be frustrated.

I get it and thanks. I’ve no one to talk to in rl who gets what happening and I get confused in my own thoughts about it. I feel like the only one treated like this and to the outside everyone is doing perfectly so it must be me. The situation is extremely confusing. I wish if never met any of them.

It’s really shit not being liked and it being made so aware and constantly compared to someone who they value more. I’m not what they wanted and it bloody hurts me. It has started to make me feel like perhaps I really am not good enough. The SiL is playing along and it’s going to her head that the in laws value her so much and I’m nothing. I feel shit an awful lot of the time and they do not give it a second thought that the way they behave is actually hurting me. I’m sorry I’m annoying posting, I’m trying really hard to remove myself but it is hard and I stumble, especially when we meet and it’s shoved in my face.

@Lookatthesun83 please come off social media. Your behaviour is quite obsessive. I think you yourself suspect you may be Neurodivergent - which I understand will make this harder.

Stick to your own friends who are separate to the family. Make the most of your time with your little family.

Look at connecting with other Neurodivergent people or those with ND kids if you can in your area.

You will never understand these people and their behaviour. I've had it all my life. It's confusing and horrible but please listen to all the advice on here and stop obsessing now. You'll make yourself unwell.

Counselling might be really helpful for you. I find it really helpful in understanding relationship difficulties with difficult people in my life.

I think you are right, I am struggling to understand it and to try and fit with it when I simply can’t because stuff is going on that’s beyond me really. I need straight up relationships where I know where I stand, no funny business that I need to work out as I can’t. I feel something is off and I’m trying to work it out I suppose to make my unease go away.