Is people pleasing manipulative?

[Lookatthesun83]

I’m just wondering. I have a family member who literally lives by trying to please everyone. Going out of their way to appear perfect and nice and overly accommodating.

You are describing possible narcissistic tendencies if this is how you see your SiLs behaviour, which sound like my mother's.

@Lookatthesun83 what @Mummyoflittledragon and @blackcherryconserve are saying is right!

I believe wholeheartedly that people pleasers, in the true sense of that phrase, ( explained well by the above posters) are NOT generally dark, duplicitous, toxic people!! If you're seeing some concerning manipulation and duplicity and lying and belittling others then you're dealing with something else potentially.

We all have our faults but those of us trained to become people pleasers don't generally leave you feeling rotten in your gut! Most of us are authentic, genuine empaths at our core.

Sorry I was agreeing that they aren’t devastated they are appalled so perhaps I’ve got the wrong term.

She doesn't sound much like a people pleaser. More like someone with poor MH. You use the word 'perfect' a lot, but it sounds like her life is far from that and she is the only one shouting to the world via SM that she and her family are 'perfect'.
People pleasers put up with minimal reciprocation, and can often get taken advantage of, but she is only doing it out of what she can get in return, her help is very conditional.
It could be that she lacks understanding of how friendships are formed and is just going through the motions for a while thinking that doing stuff will work, until it doesn't. That suggest she might be ND as she just doesn't get how it works.

You really don't understand at all. I'm out of here.

@Lookatthesun83 just remove the phrase people pleaser entirely from your mind! Buying presents for people is not really the definition of people pleasing. I was trained to be a people pleaser, I can be quite shit at buying presents. 🤷‍♀️

Do narcissists not people please?

As a way of getting people on their side?

I’m talking like arranging stuff, going out of the way to look kind and helpful, calling every evening, doing things that you KNOW the other person likes in order to latch on, gain supply not just because. Stopping the other person from thinking they could get by without you. Becoming so useful that you will not be abandoned. But in the meantime you loose yourself. What’s that?

People pleasing is a phrase I'm sure will be used in psychology and it really isn't what you are describing. It's just the semantics that are confusing people.

You just need to understand the INTENT. Buying gifts is the last thing I'd even care about. Look for the more obvious unpleasant behaviour. People pleasers buy gifts and so do covert narcissists! Come away from this and look at what other things seem to bother you.

It isn't intended to hurt you but you sound incredibly resentful that she is in favour with the MIL. Don't play the silly games and invest in your own life.

Because it’s rubbed in my face. In the same room my MIL will not even look at me but will be all over SIL. Honestly nothing bad has ever been done by me (I know I sound bad). It’s like what the hell is going on.

MIL goes around telling everyone how kind and perfect SIL is, how she goes out of her way to do everything for everyone etc etc. How good she makes her son look, how amazing the grandkids are. But at home she’s on meds, she’s anxious, no friends, kids have no friends. I have no idea what’s going on.

They won’t let me into the family unit, they leave out my kids.

@Lookatthesun83 so it's your husband's mum? This sounds exactly like a narcissistic family cult. The MIL will play everyone off against each other and then these people will go out their way to win mummy over. I've been victim to this crap. You cannot win in this dynamic. They will make you feel crazy. You already do. You'll get ignored one day, picked up again the next. You'll spend hours obsessing over what you said or did. This is the impact of these people.

The MIL sounds like a bitch to be honest. The SIL is just a puppet, a messed up one. I think you need be very cautious with all of them

What does your husband think of all this. He'll have his own issues growing up in a dynamic like this.
You cannot play their games. Don't engage.

Speak to your husband. Reduce the contact at all costs.

I'd go watch some Dr Ramani on YouTube. Look at the narcissist family cult. You want distance on some level I promise you that.

It’s so bloody weird. We visited the other day after 2 months of not seeing me or kids. His mum didn’t even look at me. What the hell have I done. Yet every other week they on holiday with the other family.

He makes sexual jokes ABOUT her in front of his parents? Psycho

@Lookatthesun83 I think you just need to read through all the advice and experience on here. You're dealing with a narcissist bitch MIL most likely. You probably haven't done anything. There's no logic to it.

I wouldn't be going out my way to see SIL or MIL tbh. Good luck

You sound harsh. She’s obviously got emotional issues. You’re not being very sympathetic as a human being, let alone SIL. You sound like she irritates you to put it kindly, but it’s actually more like you despise her.

I think you are right. I think it’s going to the SILs head always being told how amazing and perfect she is. No one is now good enough and when people don’t see how amazing she is like me and she gets pissed. None of us are perfect but we find the good where we can. It’s just hard for us when we need support sometimes as his family aren’t there for us.

We all need support, I have a child with ADHD and I struggle but they aren’t interested because they’ve put it down to my bad parenting because her parenting produced 2 “perfect” children.

I think she has set up her life exactly how she wants it and is continually endearing herself to those who can keep her in this lifestyle that she has set up. I suspect that she massively fears ever having to live independently.

None of it sounds healthy, especially the children saying they'll live at home forever. Raging about people who have ‘wronged’ her on sm suggests that she has far too much time on her hands to ruminate on stuff instead and of actually having an interesting life. I think she sounds very insecure, very fearful and too dependant on other people. BIL sounds equally as insecure having to always have the best car, biggest house etc.. It’s all a facade.

I think so too. We all have our own struggles though and as a family we are “supposed” to all support each other. It definitely doesn’t feel healthy and it gets to me, I suppose that’s why I’m on here.

It's about trying to avoid conflict at any cost and also trying not to hurt the feelings of others.

It's about deprioritising your own wants and needs so it's not manipulation.

What you describe isn't necessarily people pleasing OP.

People Pleasing however is not manipulation

I feel for you, OP. You can’t change these Stepford Wives and the Stepford BIL. Must be very hard and it is very unfair. Just smile and wave and be yourself. Shame for her children, though that they can’t get dirty in the garden with their cousins (and have no friends). I hope you have your own family and friends to spend time with. These people sound dull.