Is people pleasing manipulative?

[Lookatthesun83]

I’m just wondering. I have a family member who literally lives by trying to please everyone. Going out of their way to appear perfect and nice and overly accommodating.

I think what it comes down to is that you feel your SIL is dishonest in her interactions and it's obvious she's not great in the way she behaves with her family. I'd personally aim to just largely avoid her or keep things super superficial. If appropriate, it might be worth paying a bit more attention to your BIL and nieces/nephews for hints that perhaps it isn't all as lovely as they/her make things out to be. And leave at that.

People pleasers give me the creeps they often explode with rage eventually- just be normal and have boundaries people prefer it anyway ironically!

@Lookatthesun83 this really isn't intended to be unkind but why are you so concerned about this/her? It's really a genuine question. Do you feel she makes you look bad? Do you feel inferior or do you feel very uncomfortable in her presence and want to try understand why?

Simple answer is no, people pleasing is NOT manipulative. Quite the reverse. I have been a people pleaser since childhood. I still am as I am afraid of the consequences of not being one. Currently having therapy to sort it out.

Hi OP. It’s an interesting question. People pleasing can be manipulative in the sense that the people-pleaser’s behaviour aims to limit the range of responses available to the other person. And there can be good reasons for this- if you grow up in a violent household, say, it’s perfectly rational to want to limit that range of responses (and of course that learned behaviour might continue even when you’re out of that environment). “Manipulative” is obviously a word with negative connotations which wouldn’t apply in that situation, but it’s quite a useful word where you want to distinguish between people-pleasing as a dysfunctional trait and simply wanting to please people, which is not in itself dysfunctional.

All that said, I’m not sure people-pleasing is the right term for what your SIL is doing, or at least not on its own. Smiling at the sexual jokes when she’s clearly uncomfortable, maybe.

I feel uncomfortable around her and around my MIL, I feel like it’s a group that I’m not allowed to be part of. MIL loves the fact that SIL copies everything she’s does and that she speaks to her everyday and runs everything past her. I’m not a people pleaser. We are living our life with our kids, we do what we want to do, we don’t run it past his family. We try and get a look in but we are pushed aside. It’s like SIL has ownership of the mum because she tries so hard. I used to try but I give up now.

You sound horrible. Where is your empathy for someone who is so obviously anxious and thinks nobody likes her. You obviously don't like her and appear to be victim blaming!

@TheaBrandt I never knew any people pleaser who was creepy and then exploded in rage for no reason. That doesn't sound like a people pleaser to me.

That's interesting. I've recently found I get angry and blow up over minor things. My therapist explained that over the many years I have been a people pleaser I have been bottling up the anger and only now is it coming out. This may or may not apply to the OPs SiL but it can explain irrational bursts of anger.

Why am I horrible. I’ve extended the olive branch so many times. She thinks she is amazing and constantly posts on social media that everyone is toxic especially women. How are you supposed to find a way in. I don’t know what to like or dislike because I’ve no idea who she is apart from someone who wants to be liked. How can you form a relationship with someone who is perfect, what do you talk about. I once made a joke about my kid’s arguing, the reply my kids have never argued they have always been so perfect for me. It’s the response to everything.

@blackcherryconserve that's possibly a bit harsh. It's very difficult to live in these family dynamics.

OP it sounds like the MIL, matriarch, is a problem herself and potentially quite manipulative. They purposely play siblings off against each other and siblings will do all sorts to win their approval. I've grown up in a narcissistic family cult and this sounds a little familiar. If this is what is happening, I assure you that you want to be very grateful to be on the periphery and not within the clique!

A large part of this is you feeling rejected and envious. That is entirely understandable and natural. You are in a much better position not being so intertwined and so are your children. I tell you this from personal experience.

A huge piece of advice if you can do it - come away from Facebook or mute her on Facebook. I think in this situation it's going to be pure poison to your mind right now. Concentrate on your own lovely little family and accept what you can't control.

Her bouts of anger are based on her attempts not working and they not working because the other person is faulty. She fell out will her best friend and only friend last year and the stuff she kept posting about how toxic and how faulty and how awful people are because of this. It’s like she fell so high from the pedestal over nothing and there was absolutely no way back.

But you started this thread by stating she is a people pleaser and very anxious! TBF I haven't read the whole thread, and there obv has been a massive drip feed I've missed.
Being a people pleaser is not manipulative and you were very unreasonable to state this when your issues with this woman are more complex than the title of the thread suggests.

That’s a good idea. I have some good normal friends who aren’t perfect and we chat and laugh about it. They remind me that life is not perfect and that’s ok.

I have to interject here as it seems people pleasers are getting a really hard time. I’m recovering from being a people pleaser. I’ve been trained to be one from birth.

The most important thing that is missing in a lot of these comments, particularly this one, is that a people pleaser has often been trained to have no thoughts of opinions of their own. So when they are asked them they simply don’t know because they haven’t been allowed to form an opinion. That doesn’t make them manipulative. That makes them scared to look inside because they haven’t been given those tools so they live by what they’ve learned.

As for being their true self, often people pleasers don’t know what their true self is. For the first 40 odd years of my life, I had my mother’s words on loop in my head telling me what to think. I did pull away from these at times, enforce who I am at times, behave as wished at times. But fundamentally her voice was telling me what to think and feel perhaps 80% of the time. And I can tell you, being the black sheep of the family these were not good thoughts.

Then I got therapy. The voice stopped. I am still recovering from people pleasing 10 years on. It’s a work in progress.

As for the woman you’re describing op, you definitely are using the wrong word. She doesn’t sound like a people pleaser at all and I would be absolutely crushed by her, which means she’s a narcissist.

I agree with Pantaloons99. Step away from any social media contact with this woman.

It will all stem from very low self esteem.

It sounds very much like vulnerable narcissism though. That is exactly what a vulnerable narcissist is like - a chameleon - completely shallow, no authenticity, desperate to look good and get 'supply' (in this case) by having everyone like her facebook posts where she says she's so lovely, no genuine personality just tries to be what she thinks people want her to be.

If you are a perceived threat to her pretend perfect life OP then I would expect that she would do anything to throw you under the bus. I would also expect her never to be to blame for anything and to never take responsibility for her actions.

Good luck with this one OP, I think you're going to need it!

Sorry but I do believe that people pleasing is kind of manipulation even if not done for this case. For the person on the receiving end it feels manipulative because my reaction is trying to be controlled for the peace of the other person. It isn’t my fault if they think my response makes them feel unlikable so they try to control my response. You like who you like. If you aren’t liked then that’s ok because lots of other people will like you.

Ok yes I think I’ve used the wrong term, or maybe the term on its own. Based on the other behaviours it creates a different person. People pleasing is a tool to her rather.

@Lookatthesun83 this doesn't sound like people pleasing. She reminds me of the various Narc people in my life tbh and many of them are themselves victims of a matriach narcissist.

@Mummyoflittledragon this is so so true ❤️

You say ‘manipulative’ like it’s a bad thing. Pretty much everyone is manipulative at some level, to get what they want or to make things happen (or not) in the way they want. Anxioys people pleasers are often in the grip of strong compulsive behaviours: they will do what is necessary to ensure that they can demonstrate how nice, kind, obliging, turn-the-other-cheek they are. Not out of badness, but because that’s where their particular compulsion drives them.

my SIL is a lovely person. But it’s buried beneath a lifetime of anxiety management, and so much of her behaviour is dedicated to making sure that things are as she ‘needs’ them to be. This can leave those around her feeling very manipulated.

Well forgive me for saying so but you are wrong. Being a people pleaser has crippled my life.
Your SiL may be many things (including nasty ones possibly) but as Mummyoflittledragon has put eloquently, she doesn't sound like a people pleaser at all.

People pleasing isn't a tool!

It is born out of bring frightened of the consequences if you don't adhere to what other people want.

Ok I think I’ve got it wrong. The difference being the response to not being liked. They aren’t devastated they are appalled that the other person doesn’t see how amazing they are.

I think this depends on the level of malignancy. I think some people do use it. I’m not saying everyone does.