Blindsided by H

[Gingerloaf]

So my ‘DH’ has been grumpy for a few weeks but says it’s my fault.
Today - out of the blue he tells me he has been seeing someone for 2 months. I had no idea - I told him to leave which he has done
Packed his bags leisurely and left

We have been married for over 25 years. Kids grown up etc

I have seen advice on here before and never in a million years thought I would need it - but suddenly it’s me that has this news. I understand also why previous posters don’t give too many details because for some weird reason she may be on here ( daft thought but there you go) and yes I have name changed

Your advice on the matter is very welcome
I can’t remember but somewhere on here someone referred to a ‘script’ that people use when they leave or are getting ready to leave - I would be interested to see it if anyone has it
I think I have been arch manipulated by ‘DH’

Thanks for reading

Thing is, what @Gingerloaf found out was that he expected to go on shagging the other bird, while continuing to be housed and bankrolled by OP. Since being thrown out - not 'choosing to leave' - he has turned alternately sweet-as-pie and generally arsey. So while I understand people pointing out the reasons why the law is as it is, she has every right to vent about the probable outcome. Oh, and OP, you will get more than 50/50 because you get 100% of your friends and family, and no judge can insist he gets 50% of that invaluable asset. 😊

Regardless of how it feels, the financial and emotional sides are actually two different things.
When it comes to settlement the law doesn’t care who betrayed who. All assets are marital.
One thing to consider though is to hold on to your pension even if it means settling with cash elsewhere. As a woman you’re far more likely to live longer and will need that long term.
Your solicitor will advise but it might be worth seeing a financial advisor too.

Thinking of you today @Gingerloaf - I think it might be 'council tax letter day' if I recall correctly. So sorry again for all you are going through. Keep going. You're amazing and life won't always be this sh~t, I promise. xx

Thinking of you, OP.

While intellectually I can understand the reasoning for the law being as it is, that doesn't stop me feeling the moral outrage that someone can despise their vows, utterly break their contract of marriage, and get away with it in a form that would not be possible for any other legal obligation.

Wishing you well.

It is not a breach of contract in the legal sense.

It could be argued that it is in a "moral" sense.
Contract of Marriage covers lots of financial stuff, and care of children. But not adultery, abuse, unreasonable behaviour, selfishness etc. etc.

Hope you're keeping well @Gingerloaf

Hello @Diarygirlqueen - I am well thank you for asking
It has been an interesting time - but having read some of the comments on here I didn’t feel I wanted or needed to share what has gone on

Karma - is happening and is certainly interesting

Best wishes to all the people who sent love and understanding into the world x

Glad that karma is coming home to roost. I am also pleased you’re okay. The planet needs humans like you!

I hope karma is biting him in the arse big time ... and it's compounded by him having to watch you go on to have a lovely life without him.

oh good ! I love a bit of karma !!!

Karma is gratifying for those deeply hurt. Keep on going @Gingerloaf

I hope you haven't been upset by any comments on your thread, @Gingerloaf.

And I'm really glad that karma is biting your STBXH where it hurts.

Been thinking of you Ginger. There are so many people in your corner here and we will continue supporting you for as long as you want to post in this thread (and from afar long after you stop).

I'm assuming they got the council tax bill. Oh to be a fly on the wall when that arrived.

I wish you nothing but love, strength and happiness always ❤️👑

OP, have just read the full thread and my heart goes out to you. It's sad to read the comments about the cold, legal aspects of divorce, i.e the suck it up posts re 50% split of assets, more appropriate for an AIBU imo.

This is a support thread, for you - to give you space to express your feelings, to come to terms with the awful situation you have been plunged into, and for others far wiser than me to help with advice and support with the steps you need to take.

I divorced before the days of no fault, and being able to state adultery as the reason for it helped a lot with the feelings of bitterness and betrayal. So your feelings about this are natural. A very loud shout to the world that he betrayed his vows.

But, although you wont have the piece of paper confirming this, the people surrounding you know, people in the hobbies he attends, mutual friends and family. All know the reason for the bomb he has thrown into your lives.

God, there are so many threads at the moment from women in long marriages facing the same or similar situations. I am so very sorry that you are among them.

Sorry if my and other posters’ earlier comments about money were unhelpful. This is your space to process what’s happening, for as long as you want it. Wishing you all the best things 🌷

I hope you feel there is still support here for you, and that you can return when you feel you a need to share - or even just mutter a little.

Glad to see you are well. You have been an inspiration

Thank you folks - some comments appeared a little crass but everyone is entitled to their opinion

Not just the council tax bill ( 25% difference) but a whole jumbo jet of karma landed

A big thanks also to a couple of police officers who helped out at a tricky point - believed what I said and logged it all ( both female- thank you feminist… if you have been following you will know that comment)

The continued support of good people keeps me positive and I currently feel in a much, much better place - so many things to look forward to.

I am getting back to being me in my full glory. This isn’t mean to sound ‘proud’ but when you have been part of a couple for nearly 4 decades you adjust your very essence to be a team. Being ‘just me’ is absolutely fine….and crikey those posh products I kept for best are paying off.

Life is good and has so many possibilities

Thank you to those kind souls out there who I know have been sending positivity …. I am sure you know I had to be away for a bit x

oh I am so pleased it is more than the Council tax bill, as that is something they should both have known/thought about.

Ooh good!
Lots of karma landing is excellent!

Please ignore the posters being bitter jerks justifying unfair divorce laws. They obviously have nothing better to do than try to overtake your thread on what they think. They lack empathy and compassion. I am glad you ignored them. Some people think it's their job to tell you how they think it should be instead of being helpful. It says so much about their character to be concerned about telling you the law rather than sympathizing with you. Like you, the rest of us are rolling our eyes at them.

You are amazing and handling this with so much grace and dignity. I hope you are realizing more and more every day that you are winning because he is a loser who will regret his actions forever. The majority of us are cheering you on because you are an inspiring woman.

After four decades of sublimating yourself because you love someone. It must be very freeing to be rid of the routine.

I wonder if that's where the phrase "Merry widow" originated.

There is more than one way to be supportive and it does no-one any favours to egg on an OP to unrealistic and sometimes illegal actions out if a sense of "what ought to be". I see it often on here ...usually in reference to changing the locks. The OP is an outstanding example of how to handle these kinds of situations on every level and should be applauded. There is nothing wrong with venting and I actually upbraided someone earlier about telling the op she was ageist. But ensuring the OP has salient info about likely outcomes is not cold or mean spirited.

@justasking111 - let’s not talk about ‘merry widows’ be as she ain’t as H is finding out
And that funnily enough the grass really ain’t greener in the other side …. But he made his choices

I'm glad to hear how well you're doing @Gingerloaf and delighted to hear about the shitload of karma; there is rarely closure for these kind of situations so we need to take every little 'win' and celebrate it in whatever way suits us.

I'm sorry to hear you had to have support from the police, although not surprised, as I said earlier never underestimate these fuckers. I'm glad they were good officers and that they heard you

When my marriage ended my mum said "You'll become you again". I didn't know who I was, I'd never really had a chance to find out and whenever I heard the expression 'finding yourself' I always wondered what it meant. Well, I just seem to have appeared. I get it when you say "Being ‘just me’ is absolutely fine". It really is 🙂