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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH message. For me?

621 replies

lopdedop · 07/08/2024 02:53

DH left home very (too?) early today to go to the nearest city (4hr journey) as he is flying abroad tomorrow. He's staying at an airport hotel. He arrived well before lunch. He needs to be at the airport at 5am (we're not in UK). Sent a message to say he'd arrived. About 2 hrs later sent a message. "I'm in room 38".
Am I over thinking? He's never sent me his room number before?
Is that strange? I'd really appreciate opinions.

OP posts:
JimPanzee · 10/08/2024 00:07

@lopdedop I hope you are doing OK 💐
Take time to deal with this, it's an awful shock.

PastaBelly · 10/08/2024 00:20

I could be being completely cynical but I’m thinking that message was meant for the one he’s cheating with. My ex had an affair with my best friend, for months I thought I was losing my mind… in the end when it all came out, the night he ‘had’ to stay in a hotel, she was out with ‘friends’ - nope, but she had pre prepared evidence of photos of her meal out with the friends, it happened the evening before, she sent them to me so I would not assume she was actually spending the night with my partner

mummybear35 · 10/08/2024 00:23

The trust is gone in the relationship. Even if this time turns out to be innocent miscommunication, you’re always going to suspect he’s up to no good. Do you really want to live your life that way? My granny told me a long time ago that trust is like a glass vase, once broken, you can glue it back together but it will never be the same. Personally, I’ve seen what it does to someone, constantly being suspicious, eaten away by doubt and crazy scenarios in her head…if you have to check up on a strange woman’s whereabouts or whether she’s at home or with your partner, it’s time to call it a day 🤷🏻‍♀️ life’s too short to live like that, it’ll eat away at you..

abs12 · 10/08/2024 02:49

OP, hope you're okay? You sound insanely strong and heading in the right direction, do only what is best for you.

I'm sorry though, as a newlywed this isn't the life you would have been dreaming of. It sounds like a total fuck up on his part, he has betrayed you emotionally and possibly physically. So, hoping you're doing at least average, please update if you can. The whole of mumsnet has your back ❤️

NonsuchCastle · 10/08/2024 06:39

OP, his behaviour is totally unacceptable. Huddling together with some woman, excluding you, talking to her about your feelings, throwing the rings, throwing a toddler fit "I might as well go for it" etc. And you are newlyweds!
This is horrible for you. He is wrong.

kelassa · 10/08/2024 06:43

You don't trust him so your marriage is done anyway. You can't live your life like that. I think you know in your gut.

crackfoxy · 10/08/2024 07:00

Holidaysrule · 07/08/2024 03:56

I’d be going to that hotel…..

Me too!

NonsuchCastle · 10/08/2024 07:12

historiccastles · 08/08/2024 15:00

I think you're right that he is more than likely cheating, either with the woman you suspect or with an escort.

Your decision to end the relationship is of course justified but I do baulk a bit at the idea of blocking your husband without telling him anything about your decision. Anyone you're in a proper relationship with, and certainly a marriage (in the absence of abuse that puts you in fear for your safety, of course) deserves a statement that you're leaving and blocking him, rather than just 'ghosting'.

He "deserves" nothing.

Toohardtofindaproperusername · 10/08/2024 07:18

do you know the name and surname of woman. ring hotel and ask if you can be put through to 'jane smith' or somthing similar
dodgy as fuck.
you are not losing your mind. your mind is very clear.

Cath082 · 10/08/2024 07:29

Sweetheart this doesn’t sound good. Just make sure you are not being played for a fool, no one deserves that.

Isthisasgoodasitis · 10/08/2024 07:38

S00LA · 07/08/2024 10:01

Married people of the opposite sex don’t have work meetings in their hotel rooms late at night. They meet in the bar / reception / other public area of the hotel .

I travel on bunsiess and for pleasure all the time and I NEVER meed to tell my partner or family which room I’m in. If they need to contact me they use my mobile. In an emergency they could call the hotel , which would have a list do guests and their room numbers on their computer.

The only reason for someone to need to know their room number is if they plan to bypass reception ams go straight to the room . Some hotels have security locks on the internal doors / lift so you need a key card to get around the hotel .

If you were trying to resassure your partner you would FaceTime them and have a chat about your day . My teenaged kids likes to see around my room- I think it reassured them to see where I was , that the hotel was ok, the view out the window etd, maybe it made it seem more real.

what if NOT aSo to reassure then is leave my phone on silent 🙄 and not pick up.

Show quote history

I’m married and had meetings in hotels rooms with male colleagues on numerous occasions I’ve had as many as 4 male colleagues sat at on my bed shuffling paper notes and laptops it happens in small business but none of us had ulterior thoughts

Ostagazuzulum · 10/08/2024 07:43

Sounds shady but also sounds like you're going to take a healthy approach to it.
Even if nothings going on, it wouldn't hurt him to be considerate and reassure you.
Hope it all works out

Isthisasgoodasitis · 10/08/2024 07:53

lopdedop · 08/08/2024 18:53

Thanks again for the messages of support. Also for the ones trying to suggest alternative reasons for the message he sent.

He is away for a week. He will probably arrive home and we can talk then.
I blocked because I'm tired of it all. I just don't want to engage or row over the phone. The time leading up to his departure has been horrible and my nerves are shattered. I need some quiet time off to think. He can email me if he needs to.

The intention was to move to the other country together. I will still go in a few weeks.
Thanks to so many of you for your incredibly thoughtful and wise words.

Where are you moving too…. I’m not in uk anymore it can be unnerving arriving isolated but if you need to branch out we run a friends network I can put you in touch with

Missfitte · 10/08/2024 07:57

I would enlist the help of a friend and have them call him, pretending to be from the hotel he stayed at and say:
’Our housekeeper found a bracelet/locket necklace (something girly and possibly sentimental), in your room when cleaning, could we have your address to return it. Then see what he says.

If it’s a straight, oh its not mine, i was in the room alone, then it may put your mind at rest.
If he gives you an address to return the jewellery, you know what he's been up to. Especially, if he gives that woman’s address.

Thursdaygirl · 10/08/2024 08:50

Missfitte · 10/08/2024 07:57

I would enlist the help of a friend and have them call him, pretending to be from the hotel he stayed at and say:
’Our housekeeper found a bracelet/locket necklace (something girly and possibly sentimental), in your room when cleaning, could we have your address to return it. Then see what he says.

If it’s a straight, oh its not mine, i was in the room alone, then it may put your mind at rest.
If he gives you an address to return the jewellery, you know what he's been up to. Especially, if he gives that woman’s address.

I think he would smell a rat

EI12 · 10/08/2024 09:38

Missfitte · 10/08/2024 07:57

I would enlist the help of a friend and have them call him, pretending to be from the hotel he stayed at and say:
’Our housekeeper found a bracelet/locket necklace (something girly and possibly sentimental), in your room when cleaning, could we have your address to return it. Then see what he says.

If it’s a straight, oh its not mine, i was in the room alone, then it may put your mind at rest.
If he gives you an address to return the jewellery, you know what he's been up to. Especially, if he gives that woman’s address.

What a clever thing, thank you! Good to know this move!

MindfulBear · 10/08/2024 09:44

When ive been on a work trip I've sent my DH a message to confirm what hotel room I'm in.
In case of emergency. If something happens like fire or whatever. Then he might need to know what floor or room I was in.

But perhaps I'm unusual?!

Catandsquirrel · 10/08/2024 09:47

EI12 · 10/08/2024 09:38

What a clever thing, thank you! Good to know this move!

Show quote history

Quite honestly, I don't wish to have an affair and am not a man but I'd see through that a mile off if off a withheld number.

I'd say 'thanks but not mine' and then ring the hotel switchboard back myself if OW was missing something.

Enough4me · 10/08/2024 10:04

OP you're right, time to move on to the new country and new life. He had his opportunity to actively show you he was interested in you. She may have been in the shower, she may not have been but, either way, he clearly isn't invested in you. Find someone who is.

Blamket · 10/08/2024 11:14

NoisyDenimShaker · 09/08/2024 21:30

I know a wronged women when I hear one. I am sure I could tell the difference between an upset, scared wife and a bad actor. Call it female spidey sense.

Show quote history

Hate to be pedantic but the singular form of women is woMAN. You've written it at least twice now.

DreamW3aver · 10/08/2024 11:29

MindfulBear · 10/08/2024 09:44

When ive been on a work trip I've sent my DH a message to confirm what hotel room I'm in.
In case of emergency. If something happens like fire or whatever. Then he might need to know what floor or room I was in.

But perhaps I'm unusual?!

Its neither usual or unusual to pass on the number, that's not the issue here, it's the change from never having done it to doing it. In the same way that your husband might think it odd if you didn't let him know

Eldrick47s · 10/08/2024 12:25

Blamket · 10/08/2024 11:14

Hate to be pedantic but the singular form of women is woMAN. You've written it at least twice now.

Show quote history

Not according to this chap! 😂

(If the video doesn't play, just type Pastor 'Cures' Gay Man - 'I Don't Like Mens No More!' Into YouTube, you will not be disappointed).

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=Cl-cXOHeyL4&t=85s

- YouTube

Enjoy the videos and music that you love, upload original content and share it all with friends, family and the world on YouTube.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?t=85s&v=Cl-cXOHeyL4

femfemlicious · 10/08/2024 13:24

Nope I'm sorry @lopdedop he is definitely meeting someone else in the hotel. Why would he need to go there so early 😱. Sorry ❤

Welshmonster · 10/08/2024 13:26

Why did he get to airport at lunchtime for a 5am flight

Blamket · 10/08/2024 13:45

Eldrick47s · 10/08/2024 12:25

Not according to this chap! 😂

(If the video doesn't play, just type Pastor 'Cures' Gay Man - 'I Don't Like Mens No More!' Into YouTube, you will not be disappointed).

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=Cl-cXOHeyL4&t=85s

Show quote history

What a gem!

"I will love a women" 😂