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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH message. For me?

621 replies

lopdedop · 07/08/2024 02:53

DH left home very (too?) early today to go to the nearest city (4hr journey) as he is flying abroad tomorrow. He's staying at an airport hotel. He arrived well before lunch. He needs to be at the airport at 5am (we're not in UK). Sent a message to say he'd arrived. About 2 hrs later sent a message. "I'm in room 38".
Am I over thinking? He's never sent me his room number before?
Is that strange? I'd really appreciate opinions.

OP posts:
TheFormidableMrsC · 07/08/2024 20:08

@lopdedop Wishing you the future you deserve without that cheating arse. Get an STI test too. Good luck Flowers

lemonicetea · 07/08/2024 20:10

CaptainMyCaptain · 07/08/2024 20:00

You might just as well ask them how easy it is to burgle the rooms.

Show quote history

Exactly.

KerChingo · 07/08/2024 20:15

lopdedop · 07/08/2024 16:25

He answered the call at 3am. Said he'd just woken up and needed to shower. I asked him, to put my mind at rest, to show me the room. He quickly and grumpily showed me the room. He wouldn't open the shower curtain. Just tutted at me.
I wished him a safe journey. I have now blocked him.

He is not on a business trip, he has to go to his home country for admin stuff. My car is in the garage, so couldn't have gone to the hotel.

We don't have children or any intention of having any.

I am in the process of moving to another country. So I will concentrate on that this week. I can't be arsed going to check on OW. I think I just need to trust my gut, and that's all the evidence I need. It's up to him to prove otherwise.

Looking forward to spending a quiet week organising my future without any headfuckery.

Your messages have been incredibly helpful. Thanks all for taking the time. I feel stronger already.

Does she work? Phone her work and ask for her? Or get someone else to do it?

TeaMistress · 07/08/2024 20:33

Sounds like a good decision OP. Spend the week putting plans together for a successful future without him. Will you divorce before moving country??

LaLaLoca · 07/08/2024 20:39

after reading your update I wanted to wish you the very best, you sound incredibly strong and intelligent. A loss for your partner but a gain for you to have him out of your life.
best of luck 💐

Paul2023 · 07/08/2024 21:05

Oh just caught up before before writing a comment

Turophilic · 07/08/2024 21:05

All the best for a bright and happy future free of this cheating asshole, OP.

mamaison · 07/08/2024 21:09

I do not believe there was an innocent explanation for the message. I think you are doing the right thing trusting your gut.

NightAndShiningArmour · 07/08/2024 21:17

Well done to trusting your gut. I shouted my gut down and was totally wrong. 2 x not completely necessary hotel stays were part of the pattern I failed to see (and I was convinced he was too busy/wouldn’t have time to have another woman).

ChilledBeez · 07/08/2024 21:29

Sadly, you have to go with your gut. Same thing happened to me when my ex husband went on a business trip. All came out that he had cheated on me. He went away on business a lot so I knew I had to end it as I just could not bear the thought of constantly worrying what he was up to. Your gut is always right. Best of luck to you.

hollyblueivy · 07/08/2024 21:31

If he went to the lengths of video calling you, showing you around the room, why didn't he just open the bloody curtain?

NoisyDenimShaker · 07/08/2024 21:46

It's important to remember that spouses do often give each other room numbers when travelling in case you need to reach them via Reception. Sometimes the mobile signal isn't strong in a big concrete hotel.

AutumnFroglets · 07/08/2024 21:53

NoisyDenimShaker · 07/08/2024 21:46

It's important to remember that spouses do often give each other room numbers when travelling in case you need to reach them via Reception. Sometimes the mobile signal isn't strong in a big concrete hotel.

Have you actually read her posts? They've never done this. Their marriage is in trouble. He's thrown his rings at her and disappeared for four days. She suspects an OW. The hotel is four hours away.

Now explain why you think HER spouse would send her the room number. (Answer: it was supposed to go to someone else).

cestlavielife · 07/08/2024 21:53

"Surprise! I am on my way! See you in 10"

lemonicetea · 07/08/2024 21:56

NoisyDenimShaker · 07/08/2024 21:46

It's important to remember that spouses do often give each other room numbers when travelling in case you need to reach them via Reception. Sometimes the mobile signal isn't strong in a big concrete hotel.

No, it really isn’t. My dh has travelled for work for more than 25 years. You are absolutely deluded if you believe this.

NoisyDenimShaker · 07/08/2024 21:56

I would try to get a female member of staff on the phone, explain the situation, and ask if she would go and knock at his room on some pretense or other, like giving them extra pillows. Ands then to let you know if he's alone. If you happen to get someone on the phone who's a feminist and not averse to a bit of rule-breaking and subterfuge when it's for a good cause, like me, it might well work. The person can only say no.

Have you tried actually ringing the hotel and asking to be put through to his room, to check he's actually at that hotel?

I do find it odd that a spouse would give the name of the real hotel, if they were cheating, given that the other spouse could easily drive there as a "surprise."

Beanz2022 · 07/08/2024 22:09

My mum went through this EXACT situation and got almost an identical text message from her long term partner, saying “I’m in room 136” turned out he was booking Prostitutes and shagging them in hotels.

Qanat53 · 07/08/2024 22:12

lopdedop · 07/08/2024 03:06

I can't think he'd know anybody there. But, yes. We're having a tough time and maybe he is trying to update me and keep me informed and it'scome across clumsily. But I'm having some issues around his friendship with a much younger woman. Though I know she's not in that city tonight.

Is he really where u think he is?

Mollymolloy · 07/08/2024 22:17

I think that you are very wise to trust your gut. He is obviously up to no good. My ex used to travel with work so, I feel your pain.
Work on your own future. You deserve so much better.

OhGloria · 07/08/2024 22:24

Thursdaygirl · 07/08/2024 19:16

Once it gets to the sickening ‘cat and mouse’ stage, you might as well cut your losses. My ex was up to no good, I knew, he knew I knew, and it was just pointless

I agree, it's soul destroying and no man should ever make his wife feel so unsafe as to be in this possition of chasing the truth.
Many men find it funny and think it's a game, they are usually pychopaths.

It doesn't stop you when in the midst of it, trying to unearth the truth for future resolve and confirmation that you entered a relationship with a cruel piece of shit.

Find out and then let it go.
The pain of them making you suspicious is enough to end the union.
Evidence or not, making someone feel safe and loved isn't hard and should be the minimum of a loving caring marriage.

FranceIsWhereItsAt · 07/08/2024 22:40

It's good to hear that you're listening to what your instincts are telling you OP, and are prepared to act on them, rather than allowing this man to gaslight you, and mess you around for months and even years, like some women do.

Good luck with the move, and I hope your future proves to be a happy and fulfilling one.

Humtum · 07/08/2024 23:03

He's in a mood with you.... because you communicated with him? Firstly, that's really immature and hella gaslighty.

LadyChilli · 07/08/2024 23:16

I think I just need to trust my gut, and that's all the evidence I need.

It really is. In the incredibly unlikely event you are wrong (you're not BTW), the absolute reality is that you don't trust him and that makes it a relationship that isn't one you want to be in.

The only time I have ever shared my room number with someone is so they could come to my room. Even back in the days before we were all glued to our mobiles this was the case. I wish you all the best in moving on from this horrible situation.

surreygirl1987 · 07/08/2024 23:20

user1492757084 · 07/08/2024 03:47

Deliver a pizza to OWs house, OP.

Actually, could husband have been sending room number to a pizza service?

Edited

No, because he's claiming the message was for her. If it was innocent, he'd have said so...

GoodLordyTheExcusesWeMakeForThem · 07/08/2024 23:30

PinotPony · 07/08/2024 18:32

I have an idea...

Ask to see his bank account transactions for the hotel stay and the corresponding hotel bill and / or receipts.

I'm assuming he's met an affair partner as that seems the most likely scenario. If he checked in before lunch and texted her the room number a couple of hours later, chances are they'd have ordered room service at some point over the course of the evening. I doubt they'd have gone out to eat.

You'll easily be able to tell if he's purchased a meal for two people.

If he refuses to show you, that tells you everything.

Unfortunately this is unlikely to be as clear cut as it first appears. As anyone who has cheated or been cheated on will tell you. The first thing that will happen is that you will be attacked for being controlling and for unreasonably doubting them. They will talk about how there is no relationship without trust and gaslight you until you genuinely begin to believe that you are the problem in the marriage/relationship and you slowly lose yourself bit by bit, trying to appease them and the wrong you have done them. All the while leaving them to continue on regardless. You cant win in these situations by trying to ‘prove’ anything or even to ‘work’ on it etc. you have to just trust your gut because even if they aren't cheating, their treatment of you and your boundaries etc is unacceptable and you can't continue to grow smaller everyday to allow this to continue. Know your self worth and your calue as a human and a partner. Then get the fuck out as soon as humanly possible.