DH message. For me?

[lopdedop]

DH left home very (too?) early today to go to the nearest city (4hr journey) as he is flying abroad tomorrow. He's staying at an airport hotel. He arrived well before lunch. He needs to be at the airport at 5am (we're not in UK). Sent a message to say he'd arrived. About 2 hrs later sent a message. "I'm in room 38".
Am I over thinking? He's never sent me his room number before?
Is that strange? I'd really appreciate opinions.

I'd bet money it's a sex worker rather than the other woman.
The text is too impersonal, plus it's 4h away would OW go all that way when she can see him closer to home?

No, he fancied a bit of paid for fun, and messed up on the text, the idiot

It's really not going to be about pizza, OP. I've no idea why someone thought anyone would text a pizza delivery service with a room number.

Bloody hell this isn't the 80's. I haven't stayed in a hotel in the last 5years that had had a phone in the room.

I stayed in a 5 star hotel last year that had one. It was also free to call anyone with the same area code, which was handy for me to call my family who live in that country.

That's an optimistic take. He's only there for the night. Escort or woman he is having an affair with seems unfortunately more plausible.

How exactly would this help? Firstly the person answering the phone will likely feel and immediate need to protect their client, not the op. That’s their job. Secondly, it makes her sound possessive, controlling and jealous, all the things he will no doubt accuse her of when he returns. Thirdly they will more than likely call him to give him the heads up about the call, thereby giving him time to get his story, gaslighting and manipulating tactics in a row and ready to fire before he even sees her again. I wouldn’t normally blast anyone’s advice but this sounds like advice from someone who hasn’t experienced narcissistic abuse with a coercive control element. Which this definitely sounds as though it may be, from the ops posts and updates. Doing things like this, playing games and trying to gain ‘proof’ will be damaging to her mental wellbeing, cause emotional instability and possibly even put her At risk of being physically assaulted or even killed. Do not give an inch and do not waste your time trying to prove to yourself or anyone else that you’re not crazy and that he really is cheating. You will never get the apology you crave from him. Instead apologise to yourself for falling for his bullshit, learn from it and move on with your life. GREY ROCK, 🪨 every single day from here to eternity. Nothing less will be good enough, that much you can be sure of unfortunately

When I used to travel for business I often had meetings with colleagues in my or their hotel room because if we were rehearsing a pitch or discussing something sensitive we didn't want to do it in the bar or reception. And it costs a lot to hire meeting rooms in hotels.

So don't jump to the worst possible conclusion right away, is what I'm saying

OP did you say he’s on a work trip? Could you call his work and innocently ask to speak to him? If he’s away on business they’ll say and if he’s on annual leave, they’ll say that

I hope you get some answers, OP. I really can't think of a reason why he would purposely send you his room number.

Definitely suspicious. He’s telling someone he’s in room 38. That would only be relevant if they were going to meet him

So he would tell her that surely when she asked?

Come on. Think about what you just said for a moment……
there is no phone signal? Or the reception is bad? ……
Then how did he send the message?
if you try and explain that away by it being imessage via wifi etc then surely she could call his phone in this way regardless of phone signal?
OP, there is no way to prove an affair or escort etc. i am not proud of it but i have been the other woman, and the escort, the one who cheated on her husband and have been cheated on. What i can tell you 100% for sure is that if they ever do get together, she will spend their entire relationship, miserable. Because she will know exactly what he is capable of. The layers to how his lies work, the lengths he will go to. She will never be able to trust him. It will eat at her and he will destroy her just as he is doing with you. I see the very clear trademarks of gaslighting, id be interested to know if the issues began around the 6 month mark? Did you feel instant connection with him amd then suddenly feel as though you were having to chase his affection? Wondering what you had done wrong? Doing things that crossed your boundaries, just to appease him? Small comments being made that cut you deep and made you doubt your self worth? Treating you as though you're being controlling and possessive? Making you feel as though you’re being unreasonable when you ask about the changes to his phone habits etc? The suggestion that he puts his phone down or closes an app when you walk in the room because he wants to give you his attention, he thinks its rude etc and that you're being ridiculous for suggesting anything untoward may be going on? Getting defensive when he cant come up with credible reasons for those behaviours? Turning things around so you constantly feel as though you’re the one in the wrong? In your gut you know he is doing these things but you have no actual proof so you allow yourself to believe what he is telling you? It’s a horrible situation and you have no option but to ignore everything he tells you, because if he is cheating he will do everything he can to convince you that he isn’t. If, as I suspect from what you’ve said, and my personal experience, you’re in a codependent relationship with a narcissist, then his entire being will be honed in on making sure his image remains intact. The idea that people may see the true nature of his internal self will terrify much more than the idea of destroying your sanity and self confidence. You have to rely on your own boundaries and judgment. You know if this is an abusive or toxic relationship. You know that you deserve to feel valued and respected. Do not do the gaslighting for him. Do not excuse and apologise for his behaviour when he hasn’t even acknowledged that there is an issue with what he is/was/has been doing. You and only you, can make this decision for yourself. All I hope is that if you decide to value yourself more than he does, you don’t waste years fighting to be seen first. Trying to force him to be truthful and recognise that you should be treated better. If he was going to do it, he would have already. It will not get better from here. It may sound as though I’m suggesting you should throw in the towel and walk away from what could be a good marriage. I’m not. I’m suggesting that much like the saying ‘don’t throw good money after bad’ you don’t throw good life after bad. Do not waste another moment of your life, self reap or sanity ripping your heart out trying to work out if this man is cheating. It’s almost irrelevant when you consider what you’ve already said and the clear implication that even if he isn’t cheating at this very moment (and I suspect he is) he does not respect you as his wife or even as a person. That will only worsen and your ties will only become more complicated with the addition of children etc. right now you can walk from this marriage and never look back. You can recover and learn good coping strategies to ensure that a man like this isn’t able to exploit your vulnerabilities again. Add children etc and you can never cut off from him completely ever again. Set your boundary, leave and THEN work on him earning your trust back. Do not trick yourself into thinking you’re overreacting or misunderstanding the situation. He will be able to introduce enough self doubt for the both of you without you doing it to yourself too! You can and will survive and even thrive once toxicity like this is t allowed to be in your lif anymore. Anyway that’s my own experience. Any questions from anyone about my experience in these different situations, I’ll happily answer but please be respectful and I will be in return, of course. I’m sorry you’re going through this, but see this as a positive. Youv discovered this now, not 8, 10 or 14 years and to children down the line and then spent 3 years trying to escape only to spend the last 2 years trying to piece your live and mental wellbeing back together. Two songs I recommend for you to listen to, if I may?
devil doesn’t bargain - Alec Benjamin
narcissist - Lauren Spencer smith
hugs and love

yeah, sorry. literally just going thru the full thread now

Come on. Think about what you just said for a moment……
there is no phone signal? Or the reception is bad? ……
Then how did he send the message

He went outside or somewhere else there was a signal, sent the message and went back to his room. I have done it many times.

If you get to this point, or as a therapist once said to me, if you’re needing to record conversations to prove to yourself that you’re not going crazy. Then you already know, you’re just torturing yourself and doing the gaslighting yourself. We learn to stop trusting our instincts. Feeling as though we need ‘proof’ before we deserve to expect respect or to have our boundaries respected. We don’t. We are entitled to those things regardless of ‘proof’. If you feel as though you’re not being valued then value yourself and don’t waste another breath on someone who isn’t interested in your mental and emotional wellbeing. You’re worth more and life is too short. I learned this the hard way.

You are newly weds and he is behaving like this?

None of us can be sure, but I will say that my gut has never been wrong. Even when the very fact of the 'gut feeling' has freaked me out in it's certainty with very little evidence. I really hope you have the answers you need now - or soon.

As I said, even without all the other red flags that this lady has mentioned just the reaction to her question about the text, which he also received and responded to, makes it clear she is not imagining things. His total disregard for her feelings in this situation and the past few months makes the likelihood of your explanation, very slim. It’s time to stop excusing behaviour like this and rationalising it to ourselves before they even apologise for the hurt it causes.

Yeah. This doesn’t look good. Sorry op

Yeah he’s cheating on you. Probably already when he left for 5 days last time. Sorry, but the evidence is staring you in the face

Well there's not much you can do at this point unless you hired a PI and even then that's short notice for the hotel room saga.

The next question is, is he going away with this other person ?

A PI could probably illiminate her being in your home town.

Most people do not go to these lengths, you clearly have been under pressure to swallow this friendship and he has been unable to reassure you. If you voice your concerns he will be angry. You can't win essentially.

I think for starters I would tell him you're on your way to room 38, then don't answer further communication from him, that should ruin his day.

And then tell him you will be finding out whether she is still in your home town, such are your worries.

He has brought this on himself, personally I would be considering ammassing all information for ending the union.

But he would have said that to OP when she queried it if that were the case.

Will probably be denied due to GDPR but could you call the hotel he stayed in and ask to be connected to the room? Or just straightforward ask if someone named xyz OWs name is staying there as you are the babysitter and her daughter has taken ill but she’s not picking up her mobile.

If dp always told op his room number, for emergencies etc, that wouldn’t be a problem. However, it’s obvious this is the first time, hence the anomaly and concerns.

Every single hotel I've stayed on has a phone in the room