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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Married the wrong person?

156 replies

Lostsoul79 · 06/08/2024 22:47

First time poster here. I've been married 14 years, with two kids. Something just doesn't feel right between us - hard to describe, but it feels like we're ships passing in the night sometimes. The spark we had at the beginning of our relationship has been extinguished, and it feels like we're housemates more than anything these days. Parenting has very much meant intimacy has taken a back seat. I'm an affectionate guy, and try to make romantic gestures - but I feel it is one-sided. I should point out tbat i do ny fair share of household chores. I have been talking a lot with a female friend who is going through a divorce, and think I explained my feelings best in saying I sleepwalked into marriage. My bigger problem is now that said friendship has become more - we both confessed we've had feelings for each other and crossed a line we shouldn't have. I'm unsure what to do now, I feel like I'm at a key crossroads in my life (being over 40) and want to be happy - but I don't want to hurt anyone (my wife or kids). Advice appreciated

OP posts:
DoThePropeller · 06/08/2024 22:48

How old are your kids?

Rosesanddaffs · 06/08/2024 22:49

What line have you crossed?

kittybiscuits · 06/08/2024 22:50

You could perhaps buy a sports car and start going to the gym and buy yourself a load of new clothes - or have you already done that? 🤔

MoveToParis · 06/08/2024 22:52

“want to be happy - but I don't want to hurt anyone “

well that isn’t possible, is it, unless you can get your marriage on track.
I think you are being emotionally lazy here- cheating Dad doesn't want to hurt people but wants that pussy he’s chasing.

You have some big choices to make, but none of them are consequence free.

Bastide · 06/08/2024 22:54

Stop talking to your female friend and start talking to your wife?

3CustardCreams · 06/08/2024 22:54

What line has been crossed?

Hucklemuckle · 06/08/2024 22:56

Have you and your wife discussed the lack of affection and intimacy?

You know, sometimes realising just run their course. Don't start minimising what you had. Dont start lying to yourself and others that it was never good. That's a super shot thing to do.

If it's over with then talk like an adult.

EverywhereYouGo · 06/08/2024 22:57

Oh god, not another one. Why do these men come to mumsnet to tell us they've crossed a line/cheated but present their whole life as something that just happened to them, as if they had no control over. Ffs.

You're bored with your wife, something 'better' has come along and you want to justify your actions. We've had 2 of these threads already this week. 🙄

blueshoes · 06/08/2024 23:01

Lostsoul79 · 06/08/2024 22:47

First time poster here. I've been married 14 years, with two kids. Something just doesn't feel right between us - hard to describe, but it feels like we're ships passing in the night sometimes. The spark we had at the beginning of our relationship has been extinguished, and it feels like we're housemates more than anything these days. Parenting has very much meant intimacy has taken a back seat. I'm an affectionate guy, and try to make romantic gestures - but I feel it is one-sided. I should point out tbat i do ny fair share of household chores. I have been talking a lot with a female friend who is going through a divorce, and think I explained my feelings best in saying I sleepwalked into marriage. My bigger problem is now that said friendship has become more - we both confessed we've had feelings for each other and crossed a line we shouldn't have. I'm unsure what to do now, I feel like I'm at a key crossroads in my life (being over 40) and want to be happy - but I don't want to hurt anyone (my wife or kids). Advice appreciated

I knew that would be another party. I did not have to read far. This won't end well for your family if you want to 'be happy'. No you cannot have your cake and eat it. And stop re-writing history.

vodkaredbullgirl · 06/08/2024 23:03

EverywhereYouGo · 06/08/2024 22:57

Oh god, not another one. Why do these men come to mumsnet to tell us they've crossed a line/cheated but present their whole life as something that just happened to them, as if they had no control over. Ffs.

You're bored with your wife, something 'better' has come along and you want to justify your actions. We've had 2 of these threads already this week. 🙄

Getting too many now.

BananaLambo · 06/08/2024 23:04

You’re rewriting history as you’re trying to justify having an affair because not getting as much sex as you want with your wife. Next you’ll be telling this woman that your wife doesn’t understand you and you two were destined to be together. You reckon if you play your cards right and lay on the right balance of sob story and flattery you have a chance of shagging her.

You’re a walking male mid-life crisis cliche. There are hundred of thousands of you in workplaces up and down the country who feel entitled to other women’s bodies and attention because they’re not getting laid at home - because their wives are working their fingers to the bone, doing childcare, and making sure the house doesn’t fall apart. Stop bitching about your marriage to other people. If you have a problem talk to your wife,

Iwantacupoftea · 06/08/2024 23:04

Ending your marriage will cause a lot less hurt than an affair. Surely you know that?

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 06/08/2024 23:08

Twat. Talk to your wife instead of the OW

Lexigone · 06/08/2024 23:22

I miss sex. I do my share of homework. Why isn't she giving it to me.

How do we know? You might be shit in bed, not know how to give pleasure, not building intimacy, doing the bare minimum.

My bigger problem. You mean you are worried about what you did because you might be found out and you feel entitled to be happy. Not much concern for your wife there.

Look you got married and you had kids, you're going to have to be a responsible parent and put them first until they are 18. They need stability. It largely depends on their ages - breaking up a family when your kids are in secondary school is pretty fucking harsh.

If you genuinely hand on heart want to be with the other woman then you divorce and you spend a good period of time on your own first then you build a relationship accepting that it might not work out. You don't jump from one to the next or you take all your fucked up problems with you. And if you don't know what you want - work on that in counselling.

Also divorced midlife men aren't really a great catch. I may sound like I am rubbing it in but the lack of personal responsibility that people take amazes me.

Nsky62 · 06/08/2024 23:30

Housework does not equal sex, never has.
Speak to your wife, we know nothing of other stuff in your // her life
You need to focus on now, and not your divorced friend, needy mid life crisis middle aged men, very unattractive.

NeverMindTheBackProblems · 06/08/2024 23:30

It's taken you 14 years and the appearance of another woman to make you think you married the wrong person 🤔

savethatkitty · 06/08/2024 23:36

I wonder if your wife shares the same sentiment? Does she too see the marriage as stale, does she view you like a housemate, a ship passing through the night or is this something you've decided for her?

I bet she thinks your ticking along quite nicely as I'm also willing to bet you haven't actually bothered to talk to your wife about any of these perceived issues. It's called 'life'.

PinkLady1979 · 06/08/2024 23:42

Your post is a bit confusing. On the one hand you say you sleepwalked into marriage suggesting it may have not been quite right from the start and on the other you say that there was an initial spark.

I don’t believe in advising people to flog a dead horse and I don’t believe in staying in an unhappy marriage just for the kids. If you know the intimacy has gone, this is something that you need and not going to return (or your romantic gestures are being rebuffed) then you need to leave your wife. You should be honest with her.

What lines have been crossed with this female friend? You mention feelings so it is clearly not just sex suggesting emotional attachment? How has this happened? Did you have history with her? Currently it would seem you are already going to massively hurt someone.

TheFormidableMrsC · 06/08/2024 23:46

You have no idea what hell you are going to unleash on both of your lives if you have an affair. My advice is end the "line crossing" and cut contact. Then deal with your marriage. If divorce is the only way forward then do it fairly and without fucking her over. Spend some time on your own navigating the new normal of paying maintenance and having contact with your kids. Only then consider another relationship. Don't be a dick.

TheFormidableMrsC · 06/08/2024 23:47

Oh and also, don't pretend you just floated into this marriage. Don't rewrite history to justify an affair. You've fallen out of love with your wife and that is ok. Don't make the rest of it a lie or call her crazy or make her feel like shit.

PinkLady1979 · 07/08/2024 06:21

How long has it been this way with your wife? Has it been like this for years? How old are the kids?

Sethera · 07/08/2024 06:48

Short version - you've met someone else and want out of your marriage. Don't insult your wife by dressing it up as anything more than that.

It's no use looking for validation here or anywhere else. No one is obliged to stay in an unhappy marriage; you'll have to make your own mind up as to whether your affair partner is worth hurting your wife and children to be with.

cryinglaughing · 07/08/2024 06:55

I don't buy the 'I sleep walked into marriage'.
A wedding takes a certain amount of planning, you could have changed your mind at any point.

Truth be told, you've found a warm hole to cross the line with and your wife is now redundant.

I don't want to upset my wife blah, blah. Too late, you've already done that when she finds out.

You should have told her before you did the dirty on her, not after.
Poor woman and poor kids ☹️

supercali77 · 07/08/2024 07:09

I knew as soon as you said you sleepwalked into a marriage 14 YEARS ago that you were starting an affair. Anyone here will tell you, a cheater always rewrites history so that the marriage was never good. Stop spinning tales to make yourself feel less guilty. Your wife didn't arrange a wedding out of the blue and then take you down the aisle half asleep. You presumably loved her enough to propose.

If you're going to blow it up then at least own it.

Vallmo47 · 07/08/2024 07:16

Be honest with your wife - the damage has already been done. How would you feel if roles were reversed? You didn’t “sleepwalk” into anything, you chose to marry your wife and start a family and now you’ve broken the promises you made them. That is the truth. Now it’s time to be honest with your wife. You may find that if you drop the “catalyst” you realise this was never about her in the first place. The other woman has just shown you grass much greener on the other side and once reality sets in, you’ve lost everything and hurt everyone, you may very well realise grass wasn’t any greener at all.