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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Married the wrong person?

156 replies

Lostsoul79 · 06/08/2024 22:47

First time poster here. I've been married 14 years, with two kids. Something just doesn't feel right between us - hard to describe, but it feels like we're ships passing in the night sometimes. The spark we had at the beginning of our relationship has been extinguished, and it feels like we're housemates more than anything these days. Parenting has very much meant intimacy has taken a back seat. I'm an affectionate guy, and try to make romantic gestures - but I feel it is one-sided. I should point out tbat i do ny fair share of household chores. I have been talking a lot with a female friend who is going through a divorce, and think I explained my feelings best in saying I sleepwalked into marriage. My bigger problem is now that said friendship has become more - we both confessed we've had feelings for each other and crossed a line we shouldn't have. I'm unsure what to do now, I feel like I'm at a key crossroads in my life (being over 40) and want to be happy - but I don't want to hurt anyone (my wife or kids). Advice appreciated

OP posts:
PinkLady1979 · 07/08/2024 22:57

When did you talk about it and what did she have to say about it? Your OP said that your romantic gestures had been rebuffed.

if this is the case and you want different things I.e. you need more in terms of intimacy and she is ok
to carry on as you are and refuses to change or work on it, then you do need to end your marriage.

however, you have shied away from saying what really has gone on with the OW.

Original poster
Lostsoul79 · 07/08/2024 23:00

Notellinganyone · 07/08/2024 10:02

OP this happened to me. Got married at 25 (looking for security). DH and I had two DC but he was emotionally quite distant, Sleepwalking is exactly how I would describe it. Like you I only really realised when I got involved with someone else. Left DH when DCs were 6 and 2. It was the right decision but don’t underestimate the trauma and difficulties that you will face. It’s tough on the DCs and people will be judgmental but you only get one life.

I'd be interested in hearing your story, if you want to PM me?

OP posts:
AutumnNymph · 07/08/2024 23:03

Married the wrong person?

Your poor wife certainly did.

Original poster
Lostsoul79 · 07/08/2024 23:06

MapleTreeValley · 07/08/2024 10:52

Can you go to couples counselling @Lostsoul79? So that you know you've really tried to make your marriage work. It's normal to lose the spark after so many years together, and it can be recovered if you're both willing to make the effort.

Actually, my mum has suggested that. I had counselling last year for my own mental health, and found it helpful

OP posts:
PinkLady1979 · 07/08/2024 23:08

OP, I was the DW that was cheated on. Whilst I was initially very hurt, with hindsight, I can see that I was in denial as to the problems in my relationship (which were not all of my ex’s making). My ex is now with the lady that was previously the “OW” and they have been together years and are so happy - they are so much better together than we were. Contrary to many of the posts on here, some affairs are not just about sex or a shiny new thing. Often they are a symptom of an unhappy marriage. This does not make them right and I stand by what I have previously said in that you cannot carry on this position. You have checked out of your marriage - maybe justifiably, maybe not. Doesn’t really matter but it is obvious from your posts that you have.

FWiW. I spent some time on my own and was so much happier myself. I am now with someone else living my best life. I am happy for my ex too and my children are not all messed up. They would have been far more messed up if he had stayed and we muddled on for years both unhappy.

so it can be horribly messy and hurt a lot of people. Initially you will have to accept that it will be hard and there will be hurt. But being honest and doing things the right way will be the best way forward.

TeaGinandFags · 07/08/2024 23:23

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 06/08/2024 23:08

Twat. Talk to your wife instead of the OW

This.

You want us to say to run off with the OW.

Wrong chat site, buddy.

Why not actually work at your marriage. Woo the missus. Do more fucking housework rather than doling out your contribution in coffee spoons. Give her a monthly off to find out exactly how much all of it is. Then do a fair share.

And stop feeling so bloody sorry for yourself, or do you still think that your God's gift to the female sex?

Original poster
Lostsoul79 · 07/08/2024 23:35

Peoniesinbloom · 07/08/2024 12:59

Apart from housework (is it 50%) what do you do ?
do you look after kids, cook, shop?
Do you provide and make your wife feel safe and secure?
Does your wife work, does she get time away from being mum and wife?
Are you generally getting on, do you have joint interests, hobbies? do you organise dates, days out?, do you have joint aspirations and goals? What do you do that she would find you an attractive partner?
Instead of looking elsewhere perhaps you should look inwards and why your wife is not into you.. its impossible to pour from an empty cup, its not that hard to guess why you are always one that needs to initiate

Yes, I would say I definitely do half of the housework, including cooking. She does online grocery shop, but using my card. She doesn't work (her choice, kids are both at school). Could well be she's bored.

I do all the driving (again her choice), and run the kids to their activities - not to mention pay for them.

I try to do nice things for/with her - take a day off to spend together, date nights (cinema, dinner etc) and buy her flowers.

It's not like I don't try...

OP posts:
Original poster
Lostsoul79 · 07/08/2024 23:47

twomanyfrogsinabox · 07/08/2024 13:44

Is a drunken snog a reason to end your marriage? Have you tried talking to your wife about how you feel? Is it just the grass is greener, this woman is going through a divorce, vulnerable, looking for affection and you are there and apparently available (although married) she should really know better and so should you. I don't see this ending well for anyone Step back and think about it and tell the OW it was a terrible mistake. If you want to leave your wife leave her, but be very careful of a woman on the rebound from divorce, her feelings may be all over the place and you being the first port of call may not be her last. Leave your wife (if you want to) get a divorce, get settled, then if you want to look around for another relationship currently you are likely to do a very foolish thing.

Yes, I have tried talking to her about it. But she always shuts me down. Ivectrued asking her how she feels, rather than making it about me

OP posts:
Original poster
Lostsoul79 · 07/08/2024 23:52

BeanCountingContinues · 07/08/2024 13:48

I'm unsure what to do now, I feel like I'm at a key crossroads in my life (being over 40) and want to be happy - but I don't want to hurt anyone (my wife or kids). Advice appreciated

It is often not possible to avoid hurting other people in life, so accept that you have to hurt other people sometimes if you want to live your life. Being a martyr is not a successful strategy.

You want to be happy, but before that can happen you have to work out, realistically, what will make you happy:

  • staying with your wife for the next 40-odd years (i.e. "for life") ?
  • divorce and becoming single again, seeing your kids part-time?

Those are the only two realistic choices.

You don't have the choice to get married to the other woman because she has a say in that - has the other woman said she wants to marry/live with you?

You don't have the long-term choice to stay married but carry on messing about with other women, because your wife will eventually find out and you will get divorced anyway, in a more damaging and acrimonious manner.

You don't have the choice to "find someone else" because that is down to chance, not choice. It might happen, it might not. If you want someone else, you have to get divorced BEFORE you start looking.

So make your choice - divorce or stay and work on your marriage.

She did say she wish she'd married me - but could have been the alcohol talking

OP posts:
BeanCountingContinues · 07/08/2024 23:55

Lostsoul79 · 07/08/2024 23:52

She did say she wish she'd married me - but could have been the alcohol talking

Show quote history

Saying she wished she'd married you is very, very different from suggesting you two now get married / live together.
So your two choices still stand: divorce and be single or rescue your marriage

Original poster
Lostsoul79 · 08/08/2024 00:04

Choochoo21 · 07/08/2024 15:05

You need to be honest with yourself.

Are you unhappy in your marriage because you’ve found someone else?

Or did you find someone else because you are unhappy with your marriage?

If this woman was not on the scene at all, would you still feel like you married the wrong person?

I do think people change and grow over the years and it’s ok to say this isn't what I want anymore.

But I don’t think you can say you married the wrong person or sleep-walked into it - you knew exactly what you were doing and chose to do it.

Definitely the second one - if I was completely happy I don't think I would have done what I did

OP posts:
Original poster
Lostsoul79 · 08/08/2024 00:06

nc2424 · 07/08/2024 15:05

I'm a female in your position only difference is I haven't crossed any boundaries despite the fact I think I could easily. I think about my kids and value their family life. Even though me and my partner are quite mismatched.

I'd be interested to hear more about your situation, if you want to PM me?

OP posts:
Original poster
Lostsoul79 · 08/08/2024 00:08

FeistyFrankie · 07/08/2024 15:07

OP - I’m not going to judge you the way others have on this thread. Just offering my perspective as I developed feelings for someone and this was part of the reason I ended my last long-term relationship. I felt so bloody guilty for liking someone else, too. It was a horrible time.

I think that you clearly have issues in your marriage. Having an emotional affair, a drunken snog - this doesn’t happen in a strong, committed relationship where BOTH partners are happy. The affair is the symptom, not the cause, of your marital problems. This doesn’t mean I’m excusing your behavior. You have crossed a line, several times. You need to think about why you’ve ended up here. Why aren’t you close to your wife anymore?

I would 100% recommend therapy. Talk your feelings through with someone who isn’t going to judge you about it. Also, have marriage counseling with your wife. Even if you do end up separating, this should help you both, as you’ll both know you gave it a shot, at least.

Distance yourself from the OW while you make this decision. Consider if you’re happy to separate, even if she rejects you once you’re single/breaks up with you. Do you still want to end your marriage, even if you end up alone? That’s the most important question that you need to find an answer to, I think.

I'd be interested to hear more about your situation, if you want yo PM me.

OP posts:
Screwballs · 08/08/2024 00:21

Lostsoul79 · 08/08/2024 00:08

I'd be interested to hear more about your situation, if you want yo PM me.

Show quote history

Oh come on Take a Break, clearly digging for stories

Original poster
Lostsoul79 · 08/08/2024 00:24

PinkLady1979 · 07/08/2024 22:57

When did you talk about it and what did she have to say about it? Your OP said that your romantic gestures had been rebuffed.

if this is the case and you want different things I.e. you need more in terms of intimacy and she is ok
to carry on as you are and refuses to change or work on it, then you do need to end your marriage.

however, you have shied away from saying what really has gone on with the OW.

We've talked a few times, most recently just a few weeks ago. She seems happy as things are - and I'm trying not to force anything

OP posts:
DrBlackbird · 08/08/2024 00:27

it feels like we're housemates more than anything these days.

This comment reminds me of my BiL saying almost the same thing to me when their kids were small and life was demanding.

They stuck together despite the presence of another woman who I’m positive would’ve liked to have been the OW.

Twenty years later after a full and happy marriage thanks to both their efforts and with three happy kids, he was appreciative of my DSis when he was diagnosed with cancer.

Contrast that without another of DHs friends who felt he ‘deserved’ to be happy so left his wife for another woman. Ultimately discovering that the grass wasn’t greener but it’s too late and guess what, he misses his old family life and he’s not actually happier.

Sometimes marriages go through fallow periods. Put in the effort to enjoy your kids and plan nice things for the two of you.

Ohlittleone · 08/08/2024 00:38

One of my best friends was/is you in this situation. He had 3 kids with his wife and on the face of it all seemed well but he developed feelings for a woman at work who was also having issues in her marriage (hers much more serious than his--her husband was abusive, he just felt like he and his wife were housemates, no spark, etc). They admitted their feelings and subsequently left their spouses. All seemed well the first 6 months but now the cracks are starting to show and they are beginning to argue about difficulties they are facing, particularly in relation to one another's children.

I think you need to cut contact with this woman in order to take her out of the equation. You need to be able to decide whether or not to try to work on and fight for your marriage without the excitement and temptation of another woman (who you have not yet known long enough for the monotony to set in as has happened with your wife) muddying the waters.

CiaDinnerout · 08/08/2024 01:11

Lostsoul79 · 07/08/2024 09:55

Well, there's a lot of replies here already. I want to clarify a few things... I do feel bad, it makes me feel shit about myself tbh. What I meant by "sleepwalking" into marriage is that it just seemed the next step (go to uni, meet someone, get married, buy a house, get married). It's not being married that's the problem, I actually enjoy the responsibility. It's more about WHO I'm married to. I just feel like we're not the soulmates I thought we were.

There are a lot of judgemental comments already, which I understand - but I'm looking for reassurance that this has happened to others, the other way around perhaps (I can't be the only one to have made a drunken mistake?)

its always a mix with mumsnet, all the bst

EverywhereYouGo · 08/08/2024 02:22

First time poster. Male. Now asking for PMs. 🤔

Noverdict · 08/08/2024 02:29

Almost all heterosexual men want more sex than their partners do.
That's the problem.
What's the solution?

  1. go without.
  2. cheat.
  3. tell her you want to and will have sex with someone else.
kick him out, I hear you all say. But why?
BunnyLake · 08/08/2024 09:34

My ex decided we had ‘run our course’, never mind the fact I didn’t do anything to sabotage our relationship (other than perhaps have children).

Anyway, blah blah blah, he married his gf and now they’re getting divorced. He’s heading towards 70, any ‘value’ he had has long gone (wife instigated divorce, no kids). He is now alone. She doesn’t want him, I’m long over him. Bottom line is he literally has nowhere to go at Christmas other than his unmarried sister. Our kids are all grown up and see him about once a year, no woman is going to be chasing after him. That’s it for him now. He could have had us, he could have had a devoted family but his head turned and he thought we were surplus to his requirements.

MtClair · 08/08/2024 09:59

Noverdict · 08/08/2024 02:29

Almost all heterosexual men want more sex than their partners do.
That's the problem.
What's the solution?

  1. go without.
  2. cheat.
  3. tell her you want to and will have sex with someone else.
kick him out, I hear you all say. But why?

Because (some) men might have to make concessions about sex but women make concessions too. It’s part of being in a relationship.

The fact it’s about sex or about a men’s want (not need) doesn’t make it more important than any other. Or more important than a women’s want.

MtClair · 08/08/2024 10:03

EverywhereYouGo · 08/08/2024 02:22

First time poster. Male. Now asking for PMs. 🤔

Could have name changed but anyway

What I notice is that the ‘please PM me’ are all about cases that will bring water to his wheel. It’s normal. It’s only when you have issues in your marriage. Not the ones who say ‘yes I have but I’m not doing anything and chasing my family instead’.

SissySpacekAteMyHamster · 08/08/2024 10:06

MtClair · 08/08/2024 10:03

Could have name changed but anyway

What I notice is that the ‘please PM me’ are all about cases that will bring water to his wheel. It’s normal. It’s only when you have issues in your marriage. Not the ones who say ‘yes I have but I’m not doing anything and chasing my family instead’.

Show quote history

Obviously wants an echo chamber

MtClair · 08/08/2024 10:07

this doesn’t happen in a strong, committed relationship where BOTH partners are happy. The affair is the symptom, not the cause,

@FeistyFrankie and yet many studies have been done on people/men having affairs and it’s not what it says.
But rather that having an affair is not connected to how well your marriage is doing.
It might be that in YOUR case, this was the situation. But many other things are involved and more often explain affairs. The need of an ego boost, feeling the butterflies, the sense of danger and not being stuck in a routine. None of which are about the marriage/relationship.

@Lostsoul79 if you’ve been having therapy, have you actually talked to them about your emotional affair? To see what was at the bottom of it.
Because tbh if you were already having counselling, that should have been you first port of call.