Married the wrong person?

[Lostsoul79]

First time poster here. I've been married 14 years, with two kids. Something just doesn't feel right between us - hard to describe, but it feels like we're ships passing in the night sometimes. The spark we had at the beginning of our relationship has been extinguished, and it feels like we're housemates more than anything these days. Parenting has very much meant intimacy has taken a back seat. I'm an affectionate guy, and try to make romantic gestures - but I feel it is one-sided. I should point out tbat i do ny fair share of household chores. I have been talking a lot with a female friend who is going through a divorce, and think I explained my feelings best in saying I sleepwalked into marriage. My bigger problem is now that said friendship has become more - we both confessed we've had feelings for each other and crossed a line we shouldn't have. I'm unsure what to do now, I feel like I'm at a key crossroads in my life (being over 40) and want to be happy - but I don't want to hurt anyone (my wife or kids). Advice appreciated

Sounds like avoidance. You need to face your problems head on and try to resolve issues with your wife.

i agree with the messages here which are saying that you didn’t sleepwalk into your marriage. You had a choice and you agreed to it. By the sounds of it, it was good in the beginning. So you shouldn’t rewrite history.

However, to give a balanced view, it is possible you made a mistake and it is possible you would be happier out of your marriage. Yes you will obviously hurt her if she still wants to be married to you but I do believe that everyone does deserve to be happy. However, you need to do things the right way. If this is the case and you know it, end your marriage. Make it as smooth as possible for your kids. Be the best dad. If you still have feelings for the other woman then you are free to see with her. I have known plenty of people that it has worked out for in this scenario and equally plenty of people where it didn’t. No one here can say either way.

But you do need to be honest with yourself and your wife. Do not continue this situation as it is. Chances are she may be much happier without you too, she may just not know it yet. You need to give her that chance though.

The domestic situation you describe is called life. Its normal, almost predictable to fall into that ships passing in the night routine, to be too tired and stressed for intimacy, or to tune out of each other because your mind is racing meal planning or thinking of laundry or whatever. That's what people mean when they talk about working at a marriage. Once kids are a bit older this is vital, otherwise it slips away. You need a common hobby or date nights or just walking together to find each other again. Either you prepare to work at this or you leave but what you are doing now is so wrong. By 'crossing the line' with this woman you have opted out of your marriage so now you have to own it. Decide what you want - your wife, this woman, or single life and then tell your wife what has happened. Either you split immediately or if you want to work at it she needs to consider if she still wants you, that could take months to process. No matter what you do now it's a shit show, there is no easy way anymore. Being honest and taking responsibility is the best result for your kids, who you have sadly given little thought to.

Cease all contact with the other woman.
You took advantage of a person at a very vulnerable time.

Give your wife the similar affection and consideration and work on your marriage.

You need to be honest. Admit your emotional affair and own your bad behaviour. Focus on YOU changing and on being a respectful husband.
Long term happy marriages take energy, sacrifice and imagination.

You are a cliche and it never ends well.

Every long-term marriage goes through a stage where it routine/boring/lacking excitement. Those with integrity choose not to act outside the marriage. It is choice.

Your female friend is NOT a friend to you as this isn't in your genuine best interests. In 10 years time you will be 50, maybe still with this woman but feeling bored by her. You will have a poorer relationship with your children, only seeing them for short periods over Christmas/birthdays etc, less money and less respect from your wider family. The grass isn't greener.

Stop now and think...read books/articles on relationship cycles and mid life crisis. This is likely to be a stage you are in so don't blow up your life for a short term thrill.

This other woman must be bats to spend her time listening to you drone on about how you drifted into a marriage a decade and a half ago. And how none of it's your fault.

Simply stop talking to her whilst you end your marriage. Get all of the finances sorted out. Move into your own flat, buy a toaster etc. Set up new bedrooms for your children and make a home for them for when they are with you. Then you can start a new relationship l

@Lostsoul79 As PP are saying - don’t rewrite history to justify an affair. That’s lazy and cruel. You’re not a lost soul. You’re just a bloke who wants to shag someone other than his wife without admitting that this is on you.

No-one believes you sleepwalked into marriage - you’re just rewriting history to justify infidelity because - surprise, surprise - you’ve found someone shiny, new and technically forbidden who’s more exciting in the moment than the wife with whom you’ve been going through the daily grind for over a decade. If this woman had been your partner for all this time, and the woman who is your current wife suddenly wandered on to the scene you may well feel the same about her.

All that said, some marriages do end. Some relationships which start as affairs survive and become very successful long-term relationships. Perhaps your marriage is over. Perhaps things will last with Miss Shiny and New. Perhaps they won’t and you’ll have torpedoed your marriage for no good reason.

But if you decide to move on, then at least be man enough to admit this is poor behaviour on your part and not something for which your wife is at fault. Don’t be a cowardly weasel who refuses to take responsibility for his infidelity.

Of course you’re going to hurt your wife with your behaviour but you will hurt her much more with a false narrative that you’ve never loved her and the marriage was a lie. Surely you can see that.

The 'i put the bins out' line never fails to amaze me.

OP, you run the hoover 'round and think that your wife has nothing to moan about - I help out - she's not always shattered at bed time - ergo, why isn't she putting out?

Sex isn't a reward for doing housework.

I'm interested, though, in the affection you show your wife.
What form does this take, cos i suspect it's pointless twaddle like wanting to hold hands when you watch the telly, or giving her a massage?

Shock horror, marriage after 14 years isn't the same as when you first start dating and have all the excitement and novelty. I knew there would be someone else before I even read the first few sentences. It's so painfully cliche. I can only hope I don't waste my life on someone bringing up their children and them and the house for 15 odd years just for them to ditch me for a more exciting woman. It really is a bit sad really op. Good luck, the grass isn't always greener!

If you want to end your marriage then you need to think about how you want to end it and what the plan is.

I would suggest the plan is not the other woman who is in a difficult place herself and no doubt enjoying the extra attention from yourself. I imagine going down the route will end in a rebound relationship which will come crashing down when things start to get hard in your divorces. I hate to say but I steer well clear of men going through divorces for this reason. Best to get together when you are both truly single.

Stop talking to the female friend. It's absolutely inappropriate and totally disrespectful to your wife even if you think the love has died.

I'd suggest talking to your wife very honestly about how you feel and have a talk about what you want from the future. She is the woman you made vows to for better and for worse.. forsaking all others! So stop talking to that woman!

What's the saying: the grass is greener where you water it.

Or something like that.

Sounds like you need to work on your marriage and relationship with your wife. Rekindling that spark (rather than spending spare time chatting to someone else who seems fun and caring - stop talking to this woman). Counselling might help. There's lots of good advice about how to do that online. I follow the account below on Instagram, which has great tips on this exact topic (feeling like housemates).

meet_thefreemans

They're 8 and 13

I see both sides. I agree that it’s unfair for you to rewrite history, you wanted to marry your wife at the time and you say yourself you were happy at some stage. Talk to her.

On the other hand though nobody should stay in a relationship they aren’t happy in. So if you want to leave then you should do that, but you have to accept in doing so that people will be hurt in the process, that’s unavoidable and is a step on that journey.

Totally step away from this friend though, complete no contact. If you still want to leave without her in the picture then do that, but don’t leave because the grass seems to be greener elsewhere. Not every relationship lasts the test of time, that’s okay, but cheating is not.

Well, there's a lot of replies here already. I want to clarify a few things... I do feel bad, it makes me feel shit about myself tbh. What I meant by "sleepwalking" into marriage is that it just seemed the next step (go to uni, meet someone, get married, buy a house, get married). It's not being married that's the problem, I actually enjoy the responsibility. It's more about WHO I'm married to. I just feel like we're not the soulmates I thought we were.

There are a lot of judgemental comments already, which I understand - but I'm looking for reassurance that this has happened to others, the other way around perhaps (I can't be the only one to have made a drunken mistake?)

@Lostsoul79 you still haven’t said what line you have crossed, what have you actually done?

OP this happened to me. Got married at 25 (looking for security). DH and I had two DC but he was emotionally quite distant, Sleepwalking is exactly how I would describe it. Like you I only really realised when I got involved with someone else. Left DH when DCs were 6 and 2. It was the right decision but don’t underestimate the trauma and difficulties that you will face. It’s tough on the DCs and people will be judgmental but you only get one life.

You're just looking for justification for your truly crappy behaviour.

Sit and speak to your wife, perhaps marriage counselling, but don't blow apart 3 other lives just because you want to shag another woman.

You say you don't mind the responsibility and then show absolutely none.

Rewriting history is straight from the script of sad middle aged cheaters. You'll definitely find a whole bunch of others who have been through the same, unfortunately belonging to such a group isn't a bonus.

I’ve been in this situation but I was the DW. The lies have damaged me, I am still struggling to trust many many years later. Do the right thing and don’t lie to your wife anymore. Leave by all means but do right by her ie co-parent well, have a fair financial settlement & don’t lie. You won’t do worse out of a divorce by admitting an affair but you will cause someone you supposedly loved a lot of pain by lying to her.

You are always going to get a lot of judgmental comments on here when it comes to cheating. It doesn’t sound as though the other woman was a drunken mistake though? You have said that there are feelings. I don’t think you should downplay either your marriage or what has happened between you and this other woman. You have to be honest.

I remain of the view though that life is not black and white. You should not stay in an unhappy marriage. But the steps you take and the way you handle it is crucial. If the current situation remains then more hurt will be caused.

There's no such thing as soulmates, there are people more compatible definitely. A soulmate suggests something mythical. The reality is that despite all the heady days of love beginning, in the end its always about living with a real human, their real dirty undies and bills. Those who strike it lucky find someone beside them that makes all of it easier, funnier, and more loving.

Excitement is always compelling in the midst of the domestic reality of raising children and household chores. Whatever you decide to do about your marriage, don't complicate it with another person. It will harm your wife, it may corrupt the ability for the 2 of you to co parent initially, it will split your attention. Whatever else your marriage is or was...its over a decade with someone that at the very least you ought to maintain respect for.

Totally agree with this.

And here we go again.
So glad I'm settled for life and won't need to waste my time with people like you, OP.
Sail into the sunset with your new "friend",
however, I promise you, given time you will find out the grass isn't greener.
I guarantee that.

Your post makes it crystal clear you don't love your wife the way the mother of your children deserves so you need to divorce. Then ONLY AFTER do you have relations with another women to minimise the hurt to your family.

You have choosen the emotional affair and cheating path. Not sure why you're posting as it's too late now the damage is done. It is your fault so stop trying to blame your wife it's so disgusting.

*love (not live)