Married the wrong person?

[Lostsoul79]

First time poster here. I've been married 14 years, with two kids. Something just doesn't feel right between us - hard to describe, but it feels like we're ships passing in the night sometimes. The spark we had at the beginning of our relationship has been extinguished, and it feels like we're housemates more than anything these days. Parenting has very much meant intimacy has taken a back seat. I'm an affectionate guy, and try to make romantic gestures - but I feel it is one-sided. I should point out tbat i do ny fair share of household chores. I have been talking a lot with a female friend who is going through a divorce, and think I explained my feelings best in saying I sleepwalked into marriage. My bigger problem is now that said friendship has become more - we both confessed we've had feelings for each other and crossed a line we shouldn't have. I'm unsure what to do now, I feel like I'm at a key crossroads in my life (being over 40) and want to be happy - but I don't want to hurt anyone (my wife or kids). Advice appreciated

I don't understand why more men don't fear being seen as a pathetic cliché in middle age. Surely that's more embarrassing than not having much sex?

Maybe the love has gone in your marriage but you need to talk to each other, spend time together and find out. Not piss about with another woman.

If your wife is going through perimenopause then there might be a natural dip in her libido for a while. Decent men will be supportive and keep communication open about sex but without any pressure during this time. Not fall into the trap of looking elsewhere.

I get you are coming up to the second half of your life and wondering if this is all there is. But is that all you can envisage for yourself, a new woman and a bit more sex? Fucking hell, have a bit of imagination and do something worthwhile with your life.

Don’t worry yourself too much. Just keep sniffing round other women and lying to your wife to cover your tracks. After all, your marriage isn’t filled with the excitement of the first flush of romance so you’re more than entitled to a bit of fun!

If you feel any guilt, just firmly push it into a little box in your head and lock it away. Remind yourself of all the reasons you deserve this. If there are no reasons, just invent them! ´My wife doesn’t appreciate my woefully lame efforts’ or ‘She doesn’t show me much affection because she’s fucking exhausted raising children almost single-handedly’ are good ones to start with.

If she starts to suspect you can just tie her head in knots with your carefully crafted cover stories, which have the added bonus that when you do eventually separate you can use as evidence of her ‘mental instability’.

Or you can just grow the hell up and put more effort into the relationship you COMMITTED to, and accept that adult life isn’t as exciting as it was in your 20s.

I don't understand why more men don't fear being seen as a pathetic cliché in middle age. Surely that's more embarrassing than not having much sex?

I think the answer is obvious. They want respect from other Middle Aged men. Those types of men don’t see cheating as a pathetic cliche, they likely see a lack of sex as an embarrassing pathetic cliche instead

Right.
You're a bit bored... the shine has worn off your marriage and instead of doing anything about it you've put your penis in another woman.
Tedious.

You can’t guarantee that because it’s not that simple. Life is not black and white.

Is a drunken snog a reason to end your marriage? Have you tried talking to your wife about how you feel? Is it just the grass is greener, this woman is going through a divorce, vulnerable, looking for affection and you are there and apparently available (although married) she should really know better and so should you. I don't see this ending well for anyone Step back and think about it and tell the OW it was a terrible mistake. If you want to leave your wife leave her, but be very careful of a woman on the rebound from divorce, her feelings may be all over the place and you being the first port of call may not be her last. Leave your wife (if you want to) get a divorce, get settled, then if you want to look around for another relationship currently you are likely to do a very foolish thing.

But it isn’t just a drunken snog now is it? You are minimising. You have said that there are feelings with this other woman??

I am not going to say that the grass isn’t always greener as the truth is that sometimes it actually is. A lot of the time it isn’t. Who knows here. If you have fallen out of love with your wife and in love with someone else then do the right thing. Be honest with your wife and end it. But it seems to me that you are minimising the extent of your involvement with the other woman. You are going to hurt both her and your wife and your child if you carry on this way, will implode your world and end up with nothing.

I'm unsure what to do now, I feel like I'm at a key crossroads in my life (being over 40) and want to be happy - but I don't want to hurt anyone (my wife or kids). Advice appreciated

It is often not possible to avoid hurting other people in life, so accept that you have to hurt other people sometimes if you want to live your life. Being a martyr is not a successful strategy.

You want to be happy, but before that can happen you have to work out, realistically, what will make you happy:

• staying with your wife for the next 40-odd years (i.e. "for life") ?
• divorce and becoming single again, seeing your kids part-time?

Those are the only two realistic choices.

You don't have the choice to get married to the other woman because she has a say in that - has the other woman said she wants to marry/live with you?

You don't have the long-term choice to stay married but carry on messing about with other women, because your wife will eventually find out and you will get divorced anyway, in a more damaging and acrimonious manner.

You don't have the choice to "find someone else" because that is down to chance, not choice. It might happen, it might not. If you want someone else, you have to get divorced BEFORE you start looking.

So make your choice - divorce or stay and work on your marriage.

I don't understand why more men don't fear being seen as a pathetic cliché in middle age. Surely that's more embarrassing than not having much sex?

@GelatoPistacchio I so agree! Jesus OP if I found myself at 40 crossing lines with a female friend and feeling disconnected from my wife, I’d put my fucking phone down and have an honest conversation with her! Reconnect with why we married, have more quality family time, fun stuff with the kids, communicate about issues.

I wouldn’t get online and justify myself by saying ‘well the law of averages dictates that people have strayed from their marriage 🤓👆🏻’.

You think you can leave your marriage and ride off into the sunset with your drunken snog, and somehow avoid hurting your wife and children? It’s fine to have silly fantasies I suppose, but if I daydream about flying it doesn’t mean I jump off my roof.

What's wrong are you worrying that the truth will set your wife free.

So many of these cheaters who claim to feel guilty are just worried their informed wives will be sitting on someone else's c... upon discovery.

Fess up and allow her to feel the warmth, loyalty and intimacy of another man if she so wants.
And be understanding of that because you both clearly just sleptwalked into this marriage that produced two children.

She deseves someone on her side,someone who has her back, some fun, some adoration and some appreciation and she doesn't sound too old.

You never know the kids may eventually one day really like him, more than you maybe.

Good luck, be honest.

There is another popular thread on here right now about a woman who is feeling unfulfilled in her relationship with her husband - it's titled "I ruined my life by having a family". The difference in how she is talking about it and how you are is quite stark.

You also seem quite focused on the idea that men and women both do this in an equal kind of way. I'm not really sure why. The gender equality around infidelity doesn't really have any impact on your situation or relationship, and shouldn't really make you feel any better or worse about it. You're focusing on entirely the wrong thing.

I’m not sure what you’re asking tbh. What is it that you actually want to know?

Is it about sleep walking into a marriage? Yes I’ve done that. But I also take full respossibility for it. And I dont see that as the cause of the breakdown of my marriage. I still loved him enough to get married!! Usually talked about as ‘settling’.

Is it about having an affair (physical or emotional)? Yes some women have. I’ve never cheated myself but I’ve seen close friends doing so. Did they get the’happy ever after’? Nope. Not from that. And actually for a few of them not at all because they’ve not addressed the reasons why 1- they cheated, 2- why their previous relationship broken down. And no it’s never just about ‘I fell out of love with him/her. It couldn’t be helped’ or ‘it’s all his/her fault because he/she didn’t show any care for me. I felt neglected’.

fwiw what I have seen, and this match my experience, is that women tend the step back from the relationship as a RESULT of their DP not caring. As a result if not being heard and seen. When they can’t have hard conversation and/or repair after disagreements.
So it feels to their DP that they ‘started it’ because they aren’t as caring/have as much sex with them when actually it’s the other way around. But they can’t see it because they never saw all the signals their DP sent them in the first place showing they were feeling neglected or taken for granted.

I was taught that after the initial romance, marriage was what you both made it.

Is your wife out looking for a new soulmate too?

(The usual story is that she is busy with life, puzzled by your changed behaviour ...and will be utterly shocked when it turns out yours was 'never a real marriage' and that you cheat.)

Was your marriage a mistake?

You have built something together after 14 years.
If the two of you don't like it- then probably you should discuss it ...and spend the next 14 years building it better.

(Apparently, although easy to acquire and pretty, many new-builds are of lower quality and are not long-lasting.)

Whatever you have built for each other, your young children deserve better of you than a sudden belief that you need a new soul-mate. (I'm guessing that they are not out looking for a better Dad and wishing he hadn't sleepwalked into their Mum.)

You are a parent first from the moment they arrive. Following your dreams always sounds lovely - but how are you going to square this freedom for you with their unhappiness?

So you're having an emotional affair and have now drunkenly snogged her and suddenly you've decided that you sleep walked into marriage? 14 years and 2 kids later?

What a twat you are.

Do your wife a favour and leave her - your poor kids with you for a father.

The answer to every man's marriage problems - another woman!

😂😂😂

I don't understand why more men don't fear being seen as a pathetic cliché in middle age. Surely that's more embarrassing than not having much sex?

Completely agree. And why are you discussing your marriage with this woman? Why don’t you try talking to your wife or going to counselling? She’s stuck at home with the kids while you’re out crying to someone you’re obviously attracted to, no doubt ‘woe is me’ do you think your wife is happy? Why not actively do something about it like work on the marriage, or don’t and leave without needing to have another woman lined up.

It sounds more like you’re having a mid life crisis. Totally boring cliche 🙄

Edited for typo

Walk right now to your wife and tell her you want a divorce. That is the kindest way. Don't put your family through the "I can't decide, I love you both" scenario. It's tiresome. Then you can move on, the new woman will become tired of you and you can live your life looking for the right one. 🙄

So you've chosen mumsnet of all places to find other cheaters to help you justify your own actions?
Your wife might be on here ffs!

You chose to get married. You chose to neglect your marriage. You chose to cheat. It's a shit thing to do, the least you can do is take responsibility for it. No-one else did this to you.

Ha, literally millions mate. They're all on tinder. I guess you'll be joining them shortly.

You initiate intimacy so you're dismissing 14 years of marriage to the woman who bore your children as "oh I married the wrong one, whoops".
People grow apart but I'd swing for DH of he justified cheating on me cos he shouldn't have ever married me or had kids with me

This is what I think. Maybe she's resisted the urge. Maybe there's a lovely man near her who she has rejected because she loves and trusts you OP.

As far as I'm concerned, the worst thing about cheating is that it removes the other person's right to choose their life. Maybe she'd leave, maybe she'd shag some nice man, maybe she'd run away to an all-female commune. But she doesn't, because she thinks she's in a marriage.

You're not avoiding hurting her and the children. You already hurt them. They just don't know yet because you're lying as well.

I can.
It's called "hedonism", I believe.
Given time, you become tired and fed up of everyone.

As far as I'm concerned, the worst thing about cheating is that it removes the other person's right to choose their life.

I absolutely love this, what an accurate summary. It really is true, I don’t think people realise the impact cheating has on the other person.