Married the wrong person?

[Lostsoul79]

First time poster here. I've been married 14 years, with two kids. Something just doesn't feel right between us - hard to describe, but it feels like we're ships passing in the night sometimes. The spark we had at the beginning of our relationship has been extinguished, and it feels like we're housemates more than anything these days. Parenting has very much meant intimacy has taken a back seat. I'm an affectionate guy, and try to make romantic gestures - but I feel it is one-sided. I should point out tbat i do ny fair share of household chores. I have been talking a lot with a female friend who is going through a divorce, and think I explained my feelings best in saying I sleepwalked into marriage. My bigger problem is now that said friendship has become more - we both confessed we've had feelings for each other and crossed a line we shouldn't have. I'm unsure what to do now, I feel like I'm at a key crossroads in my life (being over 40) and want to be happy - but I don't want to hurt anyone (my wife or kids). Advice appreciated

You need to be honest with yourself.

Are you unhappy in your marriage because you’ve found someone else?

Or did you find someone else because you are unhappy with your marriage?

If this woman was not on the scene at all, would you still feel like you married the wrong person?

I do think people change and grow over the years and it’s ok to say this isn't what I want anymore.

But I don’t think you can say you married the wrong person or sleep-walked into it - you knew exactly what you were doing and chose to do it.

I'm a female in your position only difference is I haven't crossed any boundaries despite the fact I think I could easily. I think about my kids and value their family life. Even though me and my partner are quite mismatched.

OP - I’m not going to judge you the way others have on this thread. Just offering my perspective as I developed feelings for someone and this was part of the reason I ended my last long-term relationship. I felt so bloody guilty for liking someone else, too. It was a horrible time.

I think that you clearly have issues in your marriage. Having an emotional affair, a drunken snog - this doesn’t happen in a strong, committed relationship where BOTH partners are happy. The affair is the symptom, not the cause, of your marital problems. This doesn’t mean I’m excusing your behavior. You have crossed a line, several times. You need to think about why you’ve ended up here. Why aren’t you close to your wife anymore?

I would 100% recommend therapy. Talk your feelings through with someone who isn’t going to judge you about it. Also, have marriage counseling with your wife. Even if you do end up separating, this should help you both, as you’ll both know you gave it a shot, at least.

Distance yourself from the OW while you make this decision. Consider if you’re happy to separate, even if she rejects you once you’re single/breaks up with you. Do you still want to end your marriage, even if you end up alone? That’s the most important question that you need to find an answer to, I think.

Of course they have.
Doesn't make it right.

A large portion of couples go through phases within their marriage where they’re unhappy-but the majority are able to understand that a long relationship (married or otherwise) goes through changes. It can’t and doesn’t stay at the honeymoon phase. That’s not love, that’s lust. Once the lust dies down, that’s where the real work comes in. Marriage isn’t easy, not for anyone-but you sound exactly like every mid life male cliché that’s ever walked this earth. You miss the excitement, the lust, the constant wanting to rip each others clothes off-which is what you’re looking for with this other woman. And yes, sure, it’ll probably be like, that at first (if you can dampen down your guilt at what you’ve done to your family-in fact, it may even seem more exciting at first, because affairs usually do) but after a few years, you’ll be in the exact same position, if not worse, because you’ll Elaine you never lived this woman at all once the excitement wears off. By this time, your wife will hopefully have found someone with a pair of balls and a bit of maturity, who loves her, respects her and understands the difference between love and lust.

Alternatively, if you have a shred of decency in your bones, stop speaking to this woman, talk to your wife!! One of the biggest reasons for marriage breakdowns is people just stop communicating.
Take her out on a date, do something fun just the two of you, remind yourself why you fell for her in the first place

This feels fake. Otherwise you are living in a massive cliche.

Well of course it’s happened to others. Why would you think you’re unique.

I would be interested to know your wife’s version of the marriage.

Get the female friend to babysit and take your wife out on date nights again !!rebuild what you had but it will take a bit of time make her feel like her again and not just a mother how will she feel if the first chance you cheated and didnt put any of the work in

Talk to your wife and work on your marriage first the exciting thing about being together so long is when you spend the time working on it it feels like falling in love over and over again

You’re a walking cliche

If you put half as much emotional energy and logistic creativity into your marriage as you are currently directing away from it, then your marriage would be a happy one.

But if you do want to end arraign, then my advice is to do so openly and before you cross any other lines with your Other Woman. Then be single for a while, and work out what it is you really want.

You’re rewriting the past when you say you were “sleepwalking” into marriage (you had agency then, you have it now). Do you want to look back in 5 years time and realise you were also sleepwalking in to an affair?

Wake up. Own your actions.

It doesn’t matter to any of us here whether you end your marriage or instead make a conscious effort to put all your emotional energy into improving your marriage and consequently being a happy family. But we’ve all seen this cliche, in RL and on threads here, to say with utter certainty that betrayal makes everything a thousand times worse. How much do you want to hurt your DW?

I have been talking a lot with a female friend who is going through a divorce, and think I explained my feelings best in saying I sleepwalked into marriage.

I remember a wise poster on here years ago who used to talk about how affairs started. An early stage was "mirroring" and often involved one party having marriage troubles. The other person would then mirror this and start to look for issues within their own relationship, often magnifying them so that the 'affair couple' would have common ground.

Your friend is going through a divorce. You start talking about your own niggles and soon those niggles have turned into your 'realisation' that you married the wrong person. The fact that you've only 'realised' this after 14yrs of marriage and 2 children together are quickly dismissed as irrelevant.

I just feel like we're not the soulmates I thought we were.

There is no such thing as soulmates. What are the chances that out of around 7 billion people on the planet, a person will end up in the same city/country/continent as their one soulmate?

Interesting too that you say "we're not the soulmates I thought we were". So there actually was a point where you thought that you and your wife were soulmates. Now it's your new friend. And next it will be...?

I just feel like we're not the soulmates I thought we were

Soulmates don't exist. A long-term marriage is a partnership, that is built on respect, care and affection. Every long-term "partnership" has lows.

I think nearly every marriage goes through this phase. Its a test of character as to how you respond. You have a choice in your actions - short term fix might be to leave your marriage and have a few years of a honeymoon relationship but then be back to stale relationship. Or do you turn into your marriage and rekindle the affection and love for your wife and children.

Btw, if OW has children please read the step parenting threads for the realities that blending families involve.

Having a happy marriage is a choice. You both have to choose it or it won’t work but it is a choice.

What page is your wife on regarding this marriage?

Couldn't have written a better response.

Go on Tinder and type select ‘Men over 40’. There are thousands of you. Men who thought the grass was greener and ran off with their coworker/secretary/some rando they met at their tiddlywinks club.

Benefits of an affair: plenty of sex for a year or two.

Drawbacks of an affair: splitting up your family, leaving your home, not seeing your kids all the time, everyone thinking you’re a dick, less money.

I’d strongly suggest talking to your wife and going to marriage counselling. You have had your head turned by someone (younger? Prettier?). A drunken snog is nothing more than that.

If you want to throw away your life and marriage that’s up to you. Looking for reassurance on here that it’s a perfectly normal thing is disingenuous. It’s like an alcoholic coming on here and saying ‘I drink 20 bottles of wine a week’ and hoping everyone replies, ‘Yes, that’s normal. Everyone drinks 20 bottles of wine a week’. You’re seeking validation and normalization of behaviour which is neither valid nor normal. You’re on a forum abundant with women who have been betrayed by men they thought they could trust. You’re just another eye roll to many of us.

I haven't but a friend of mine has. She feels very guilty about it.

If you want to avoid hurting people as much as possible, my advice would be to own the active role you are playing here. Don't make your wife feel as if it is her fault that you have started a new relationship before ending your old one. It is not her fault that you have only decided you were unhappy restrospectively.
If you want to leave, don't wait until she has guessed something is up before doing so. If she asks if you've met someone else, answer honestly and apologise for being a cliché. Don't torture her by suggesting that her instinct is wrong, blaming her for your odd behaviour or making her have to search for clues. Just be as kind as you can. Put yourself in her shoes. If she wants details, point out that even if you tell her the truth, she won't know for sure that it is the truth, and anything you do tell her will remain imprinted in her brain forever more.
Also, look up "cognitive dissonance" to see why you are minimising and "seeing things in a new light".

Be honest with your wife and tell her what has happened. If she decides to end the marriage that is up to her.

A sexless marriage is not something you have to endure either.

Just be honest and open about what happened and take responsibility. .

Should also add that you are going to hurt someone now whatever you do. You're already focusing on perceived negative aspects of your wife's behaviour. That alone will already be having a negative effect on your family's daily life, whether you are trying to hide it or not.
As you already have one foot out of the marriage and are looking forward to putting your own happiness first, leaving is probably a good idea for everyone concerned. But it will take a while for your wife to see the positive side, and I'd say the effects for your children will mainly be negative, especially at first. Have you got any plans for getting them outside support - therapy, for example? Have you thought about how they can be with their dad as much as possible without them having to spend time with a strange woman they may hate the sight of? Some reflection and planning is required here.

If she decides to end the marriage that is up to her.
If OP makes the decision himself then she won't feel like she is breaking up the family. It's a lot of responsibility, and it is not fair to pass it onto her. She would be under huge pressure to swallow her hurt and sadness and "try again", not knowing whether OP is still carrying on behind her back the whole time. A horrible situation to put her in.

OP has not said that the marriage is sexless, just that he is always the one to initiate and that intimacy has taken a back seat, behind parenting.

I think that’s a shit way to deal with the issue.

The OP has an emotional affair. He says he doesn’t want to be with his wife citing <list if issues>
He somehow feels like the OW might be his soul mate, not his wife.

Sorry but that’s all him.
Up to him to tell her he wants to end the marriage as well as why (aka the OW).

Why should it be the wife who has to do all the dirty work? She isn’t the one who isn’t true to her vows.

Your actions are the opposite of a good, responsible adult.

The phrase "same shit, different house" springs to mind... won't be long before you realise that I expect. But by then your wife's and kids lives will have been broken.

Personally I would sit down with your wife and have a serious talk. If you leave you're splitting up your whole family for another woman. You should leave a marriage because it's the right thing to do, not for someone else. You must have been happy at some point, 14 years is a long time to be unhappy. My kids are similar age as yours and intimacy is hard at that age. Start dating again. Have some hotel stays. I would always say stay and try and work it out as long there's no DV. I hope the decision you make will not be influenced by this other woman because believe me you will never be happy. She's just something exciting that you miss having with your wife.

@catherinewales thats what the OP should have done before entering into an emotional affair.

Now? His wife would be totally in her rights to call it quit due to the breach of trust.
And tbh the OP is showing nothing that would make you think he is ready to take responsibility for the situation and to change. What he wants is confirmation that it’s not that bad to calm his guilt. Hence asking for experiences of people who have done the same.

No, nothing like that

Yes, we have talked about it. I believe we're just on different wavelengths these days

It's been a while, but particularly the last year