Married the wrong person?

[Lostsoul79]

First time poster here. I've been married 14 years, with two kids. Something just doesn't feel right between us - hard to describe, but it feels like we're ships passing in the night sometimes. The spark we had at the beginning of our relationship has been extinguished, and it feels like we're housemates more than anything these days. Parenting has very much meant intimacy has taken a back seat. I'm an affectionate guy, and try to make romantic gestures - but I feel it is one-sided. I should point out tbat i do ny fair share of household chores. I have been talking a lot with a female friend who is going through a divorce, and think I explained my feelings best in saying I sleepwalked into marriage. My bigger problem is now that said friendship has become more - we both confessed we've had feelings for each other and crossed a line we shouldn't have. I'm unsure what to do now, I feel like I'm at a key crossroads in my life (being over 40) and want to be happy - but I don't want to hurt anyone (my wife or kids). Advice appreciated

Remember that the "spark" never lasts. If you decide to end the marriage and start something with this other woman, sooner or later you'll be back in the same position and then you may get some perspective that your marriage was not broken in the first place.

Contentment is vastly underrated in my view. I would urge you to communicate more with your wife, cut this other woman out completely and find other ways to get a dopamine hit.

Can you go to couples counselling @Lostsoul79? So that you know you've really tried to make your marriage work. It's normal to lose the spark after so many years together, and it can be recovered if you're both willing to make the effort.

If you really don't want to 'hurt anyone' then accept your marriage isn't working, do the grown up thing and end it.

Your priority is currently the other woman, otherwise you would have done the above as opposed to using her to confide in about the state of your marriage, confessing your feelings for her and 'crossing the line' which I suppose probably means something physical which of course is even worse.

If your children were genuinely your priority then you would have cut contact with the other woman when the relationship shifted gears into something inappropriate, in order to focus on your family life and how best to end your marriage with the least upset and disruption to your children.

Instead, you've invested time, energy and emotion into her.

If you're honest with yourself, when you say you don't want to hurt your wife and children what you really mean is that you want to be able to do what you want and them not find out, because finding out will hurt them. You just don't want it enough to stop doing it. Which is a bit shitty, isn't it?

Time to grow up mate.

"The grass isn't always greener"
"The grass is greener where you water it"
A lot of wise, gardening related advice on this thread, if that means anything to you....

Either way, you need to end things with your wife. She deserves to have all the facts so that she can make decisions, rather than be kept in a marriage that she would likely choose to leave if she had all the info.

So many wise posts above about being fair to your wife, and I'm hoping you're going to actually pay attention to them.

You have a choice now to start doing the right thing, end things with the other woman completely, focus on ending your marriage in the right way (don't keep this from your wife, or you'll never actually stop feeling like the scumbag you're currently being - come clean about everything, and use that as your new starting point to deal with everything), and actually show that you care about your wife and kids (really really care, not just "I care about protecting myself and my reputation, so I'm going to pretend this is for their good"), OR you can choose to carry on sneaking around and deceiving people and blaming others.

I know which one would make you the better man in the long run.

I’m getting so fed up of men coming onto this site telling us how they have treated their wives terribly (usually cheating like you OP) and looking for support or sympathy, and always trying to paint themselves in what they think is a perfect light - either saying they are good looking/rich/help with chores/hands on dad/a good guy (delete as appropriate!)

You lost me at ‘crossed a line’ with your female friend who is divorcing. There’s ALWAYS another woman in these scenarios.
You don’t care about your family or you wouldn’t have done that, and you didn’t care about hurting your wife and children otherwise you would have stopped yourself.

You want to find a way to have your cake and eat it, there isn’t a way to do that without hurting everybody in the process.

I don’t understand this. You’re not interested in your wife, the relationship is over in your head, and you have already moved on with someone else. Why not just tell her? You’re actually hurting everyone more by not being honest. You’re going about things in a rough way and you come out looking really bad in this situation. Just end it.

There's no such thing as a soulmate. If you didn't think through the commitment you were making at the time, that's on you for being thoughtless and doing things because you thought you should. It is highly unlikely that your drunken indiscretion catapulted you into the underwear of your True Soulmate either. Stop doing things without thinking. Either work at your marriage or end it. Be single. Be a decent co-parent. Have therapy. Figure out why you keep doing stupid things and not taking responsibility for them.

If your wife had "crossed a line" with another man you knew nothing about you'd be destroyed. Yet here you are in a predominantly female space, posting what you've been doing behind her back. Seeking advice from the impartial. Again, what would YOU feel about your wife doing this? Can you imagine her bleating to other women how her other guy just "gets" her, desires her and how unattractive, dull and depressing she was finding her marriage to you?

Your lover probably had an earful of your marital issues way before you decided to share them with the wider public. You'd have been compelled to encourage maximum empathy for your "plight" to help with getting your end away. So you're sharing important information with everyone else but the one person it's going to ultimately affect the most.

It takes nerve to screw around and decieve someone who knows you well. Show the same courage and tell your wife EXACTLY what's been going on. Who knows, she may even have similar feelings about her marriage and be relieved to have a real conversation. Wouldn't that be an interesting twist?

Just stop being such a spineless coward. Sneaking about like a thief in your own marriage is absolutely repulsive.

Oh, you've been "talking a lot with a female friend?"

I'm sure that will help.

You are completely romantising what you are doing. Soul mates do not exist. Relationships take work and go through ups and downs. Having kids is wonderful but can be hard. If you feel you no longer want to be in a relationship with your wife, explore that, talk to her, make decisions and behave like a grown up. Dont mess about on the side and pretend like it’s a fairy tale. It’s self-indulgent and shows absolutely no respect for your wife or kids. You are looking for reassurance that what you are doing is ok. It’s not.

No this man is an abusive liar, she doesn't want to be in joint councelling unless he has told her the truth and she is in full possesion of the facts.

Op, tell you wife, she can then get her sexual health tested and decide where to go from there.

Holding hands, putting my arm around her, kiss (on the cheek, forehead, neck or lips), cuddling. The thing is, it's always me who initiates

Thanks for the comments, constructive or otherwise. A lot mention about the guy being the one seeking another woman, but it happens both ways doesn't it? My uncle split from his first wife because SHE found someone else. Thas equally shirty, isn't it?

I can't see the question now, but someone asked what crossing a line meant. Basically, a drunken snog. Not quite sure how it happened, but was definitely as much her as me

Has anyone here been in a similar situation, by which I mean unhappy in their marriage and done something they shouldn't with another man (or indeed woman)? The law of averages dictate so

Mary Harrington suggests seeing marriage as a relationship of radical loyalty where you build a life together instead of some big romantic dream.
You chose her and married her and had children with her so honour that lifelong promise you made, protect your marriage and your family.
Get this other woman completely out of your life and work on your marriage.

Are you going to feel better about yourself if you feel like you're not the only shitty person out there? Yes, others cheat, men and women. But that doesn't affect your situation. What you do is what affects it.

Here we go again - Poor me, my wife isn't having sex with me and I've been forced to mess about with another woman

Yes I am in the exact situation if you want to DM me

Of course other people may have behaved like you have/are. What does this matter? Surely the issue is how you choose to move forward. If you are unhappy, talk to your wife.

I would take some time away from the OW to see if this is a case of falling out of love with your wife (if so then end it as it will only fail eventually anyway) or just boredom / mid-life crisis type stuff.

I do believe in soulmates but it’s unlikely to be the case here if you’re just jumping out of one unhappy relationship. Any alternative will seem better than it is. You’d need some time alone to reflect whatever happens.

Apart from housework (is it 50%) what do you do ?
do you look after kids, cook, shop?
Do you provide and make your wife feel safe and secure?
Does your wife work, does she get time away from being mum and wife?
Are you generally getting on, do you have joint interests, hobbies? do you organise dates, days out?, do you have joint aspirations and goals? What do you do that she would find you an attractive partner?
Instead of looking elsewhere perhaps you should look inwards and why your wife is not into you.. its impossible to pour from an empty cup, its not that hard to guess why you are always one that needs to initiate

The problem here is that marriage is for grownups who understand the realities of long term relationships and the ways in which things change, who understand the concept of loyalty - you simply do not qualify.

Go with your other woman - who is toying with you and with your situation, taking advantage of you to bolster her ego post-divorce, this woman with the integrity of a gnat who is prepared to use you and make a fool of your wife - it sounds as though the two of you might be very well suited.

There will be plenty of people who have done what you have.
They also rewrite history, as you have with your "sleepwalked into marriage" claim, to try to make themselves feel better about what they've done. It doesn't work.
If you're unhappy in your marriage and don't want to try and fix it, tell your wife what you've done and let her go. She also deserves to be happy.

All this.