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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

His Ex accused him of beating her

133 replies

NicciJane · 06/08/2024 13:46

I moved to the area just over six months ago having lived in Spain for the last ten years, so I don't have a huge amount of friends to go over this with. I've been seeing someone for a few months and very early on he told me that his ex had suffered a mental breakdown at the end of their relationship and had accused him of beating her. She had him arrested (he was never charged due to a lack of evidence).
He said that they had huge rows but that he never touched her.
She then went on to fake a pregnancy (he already has two sons, 6 and 10, with his ex wife whom he gets on well with by all accounts) and this woman even went as far as telling the boys she was pregnant.

Once he had managed to remove her from his home, she proceeded to stalk him for a year.

Because of all of this, neither one of his sons wish to see him. He has updates from their mother but no physical contact.

The other thing is that, he won't ejaculate inside me. Even when its safe to do so, he pulls out. At times, he'll loose his erection completely. He's told me not to worry about it, and that he finds me attractive, but I can't help but feel off about it.

I'm not sure what to do to help him. There's also a niggling feeling in the back of my mind that he might not be telling me everything. He's never shown me his temper, but I don't know any of his friends to ask about his ex, so I'm only getting his side of the story. I've lived in Spain for the last ten years working as a nanny (hence why I find the no contact with the children strange) and only moved to the area six months ago. We do have a couple of mutual acquaintances who swear he's the loveliest guy on the planet.

I'm just not sure what to do?

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 06/08/2024 13:51

You could do a Clares law disclosure with the police
clares-law.com/

BananaLambo · 06/08/2024 13:58

⛳️🚩⛳️🚩⛳️🚩⛳️🚩⛳️🚩⛳️🚩⛳️🚩⛳️🚩⛳️🚩⛳️🚩⛳️🚩⛳️🚩⛳️🚩⛳️🚩⛳️🚩⛳️🚩⛳️🚩⛳️🚩⛳️🚩⛳️🚩⛳️🚩⛳️🚩⛳️🚩⛳️🚩⛳️🚩⛳️🚩⛳️🚩⛳️🚩⛳️🚩⛳️🚩

Behold this field of red flags.

🏃🏃🏼‍♀️🏃‍♂️🏃🏃🏼‍♀️🏃‍♂️🏃🏃🏼‍♀️🏃‍♂️🏃🏃🏼‍♀️🏃‍♂️🏃🏃🏼‍♀️🏃‍♂️🏃🏃🏼‍♀️🏃‍♂️🏃🏃🏼‍♀️🏃‍♂️🏃🏃🏼‍♀️🏃‍♂️🏃🏃🏼‍♀️🏃‍♂️🏃🏃🏼‍♀️🏃‍♂️🏃🏃🏼‍♀️🏃‍♂️🏃🏃🏼‍♀️🏃‍♂️🏃🏃🏼‍♀️🏃‍♂️🏃🏃🏼‍♀️🏃‍♂️🏃🏃🏼‍♀️🏃‍♂️

Behold you running away.

  1. Speaks badly of the ex
  2. Doesn’t see his children
  3. Accusations of violence
  4. Ex had mental breakdown

I’d like to hear her side of the story. I think you need to protect yourself rather than trying to help him. Together these items speak of something. Any one on their own is pretty damning but together they paint a picture of a man who potentially poses a risk to you.

PennyNotWise · 06/08/2024 14:01

Hmm you’re right to keep your eyes wide open with this one! 😬

Titsonboard · 06/08/2024 14:02

All this baggage and rubbish sex what’s the point in this relationship even without all the red flags. It’s early days bin him off and find a less complicated boyfriend.

LemonTreeGrove · 06/08/2024 14:04

he told me that his ex had suffered a mental breakdown at the end of their relationship and had accused him of beating her. She had him arrested (he was never charged due to a lack of evidence).
He said that they had huge rows but that he never touched her.

I don't believe that. Abusers always say the other person is mad.

EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness · 06/08/2024 14:05

My first question if either or both are under 13 would be did he go to court and fight to see them. There's no excuse good enough if his answer is no. If he sights money that's bullshit. He could self represent if necessary with very minimal cost.

SamW98 · 06/08/2024 14:05

More red flags than a Communist party rally imo.

As a PP said I’d love to hear the other side of the story as well.

I wouldn’t touch this one with a 12 foot barge pole

Cerialkiller · 06/08/2024 14:06

How much of what you were told has come from him? He apparently got on well with his first ex but currently doesn't? Were you around at that point? Now he doesn't get on with either of them and is blaming both of them for this (one is mental and one is withholding the children because the other made accusations??)

Why isn't he going to court to see his children? Presumably with zero evidence of DV he would have no problem getting court ordered contact.

Starlight1979 · 06/08/2024 14:10

So you've been seeing someone a few months who:

  • has an ex who has accused him of beating her
  • was arrested for DV (but not charged - probably because she dropped the charges because she was scared)
  • has two sons with another woman but doesn't ever see them even though he apparently gets on really well with their mum 🤔
  • has problems maintaining an erection

Sounds like an absolute keeper!

OP is there any reason you want to date a man with so much baggage?

MoosakaWithFries · 06/08/2024 14:15

I'd advise you to run for the hills. If you don't want to then get a Clare's Law via the police.

SnugCoralFinch · 06/08/2024 14:15

He sounds like a walking red flag, and the sex isn’t even good.

What do you get out of this?

NicciJane · 06/08/2024 14:18

He says he doesn't want to put pressure on the boys.

OP posts:
cupsandcupsoftea · 06/08/2024 14:18

Has he been to court to request access?

IdLikeToBeAFraser · 06/08/2024 14:18

His sons won't see him because of the supposed behaviour of his ex GF. Who is not their mother? Yeah, that doesn't sound very likely. What is he trying to do about it? What contact does he try to have with his children?

"She had him arrested". hahaha. It's not like the police just turn up to arrest someone as soon as they're told to.

Very dodgy. I'd get out of there.

MsMarch · 06/08/2024 14:19

NicciJane · 06/08/2024 14:18

He says he doesn't want to put pressure on the boys.

But why won't they see him?

If he doesn't want to "force" them, is he doing anything like sending regular letters/postcards/messages/emails? Does he pay maintenance? Does he send gifts at birthdays and Christmas?

SnugCoralFinch · 06/08/2024 14:20

IdLikeToBeAFraser · 06/08/2024 14:18

His sons won't see him because of the supposed behaviour of his ex GF. Who is not their mother? Yeah, that doesn't sound very likely. What is he trying to do about it? What contact does he try to have with his children?

"She had him arrested". hahaha. It's not like the police just turn up to arrest someone as soon as they're told to.

Very dodgy. I'd get out of there.

Thought the same re the arrest comment 🙄

NicciJane · 06/08/2024 14:20

Yes. He sends birthday gifts and text msgs to both boys. He also pays child support.

OP posts:
cupsandcupsoftea · 06/08/2024 14:22

This sounds just like my ex, even down to the not being able to ejaculate and not seeing kids, his are older though. I was thinking it's the same guy for a min.

His ex had also had him arrested and guess what, so did I once as he hit me. He tells everyone I made it up though and I am the nasty ex who got him arrested.

It's rubbish.

cupsandcupsoftea · 06/08/2024 14:25

It's amazing how much pity he gets for being so called wrongly arrested. He told me his ex made it up too, until he hut me himself I believed him!

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 06/08/2024 14:26

He's talking utter bullshit can smell the lies a mile off. I'd run for the hills. Don't start querying it all just let it fizzle out

supercali77 · 06/08/2024 14:26

Both kids under 12 and contact has ceased because of his ex, who is now no longer around? And the mother apparently has a decent relationship with him but he doesn't even visit them with her? It makes no sense at all.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 06/08/2024 14:32

"I'm not sure what to do to help him"

Why do you have a need to help him?. Are you a rescuer and or saviour when it comes to relationships?. Neither approach works well and you can become an attractive target for abusers. Mutual acquaintances can be over invested and may not have your interests at heart. Many abusers are quite plausible to those in the outside world, its behind closed doors their true nature emerges.

I also think you've been targeted by this man and deliberately so too.
Your boundaries here, perhaps already skewed by past poor relationships and no real life experience, are being further eroded by this individual now. And what are you getting out of this anyway; he does not at all sound like a keeper. Value yourself more and love your own self for a change.

aCatCalledFawkes · 06/08/2024 14:34

Run, fast. You need to help yourself and leave him.

5128gap · 06/08/2024 14:36

After a few months, why do you want to 'help him'? This is the time to put yourself first when you've no ties or obligation and the emotional investment is minimal. Why do you need to try and help a guy with a murky past, who you're not sure didn't commit a violent assault on a woman and where there are sexual issues? The world is not running out of men anytime soon. Are you sure this one presents your best hope for the future, or do you think maybe you can find something better without the doubts and question marks?

RoachFish · 06/08/2024 14:45

A man that is not allowed to see his kids because the kids don't want to see him is not a good person. Even if it's true and it's because of his ex it just shows you that he isn't a decent man who puts his kids before a new woman. Abusers also tend to call their victims unhinged or similar which seems to be what he's doing with his ex. It's always the unhinged woman's fault, never the aggressive man's.