His Ex accused him of beating her

[NicciJane]

I moved to the area just over six months ago having lived in Spain for the last ten years, so I don't have a huge amount of friends to go over this with. I've been seeing someone for a few months and very early on he told me that his ex had suffered a mental breakdown at the end of their relationship and had accused him of beating her. She had him arrested (he was never charged due to a lack of evidence).
He said that they had huge rows but that he never touched her.
She then went on to fake a pregnancy (he already has two sons, 6 and 10, with his ex wife whom he gets on well with by all accounts) and this woman even went as far as telling the boys she was pregnant.

Once he had managed to remove her from his home, she proceeded to stalk him for a year.

Because of all of this, neither one of his sons wish to see him. He has updates from their mother but no physical contact.

The other thing is that, he won't ejaculate inside me. Even when its safe to do so, he pulls out. At times, he'll loose his erection completely. He's told me not to worry about it, and that he finds me attractive, but I can't help but feel off about it.

I'm not sure what to do to help him. There's also a niggling feeling in the back of my mind that he might not be telling me everything. He's never shown me his temper, but I don't know any of his friends to ask about his ex, so I'm only getting his side of the story. I've lived in Spain for the last ten years working as a nanny (hence why I find the no contact with the children strange) and only moved to the area six months ago. We do have a couple of mutual acquaintances who swear he's the loveliest guy on the planet.

I'm just not sure what to do?

Well if they started off being arseholes no one would bother with them.

Come on now, you have some understandable worries, you know we are all correct in our assessment and we havent met him.

Just lob this one back. Hes not the man for you.

Either:

1. he's lying and is abusive. You should run for hills.

2. he's telling you the truth, he has a psycho ex with a history of stalking. She could stalk you, any kids you have etc. You run for the hills.

He is either a danger to you or not actually ready for a relationship. Leave.

His children don't want to see him.because of his crazy ex, who isn't even their parent?! Come on OP. Are you really thus gullible?

This is the exact story my ex tells people. Yes I did have severely bad mental health...because he was abusing me mentally and physically.

I'd run if I were you.

You don't need to justify leaving a relationship. And if you want a reason, unsatisfactory sex is generally considered a dealbreaker.

Oh please, you bought that line about how he doesn't see his children, at all, out of kindness and consideration towards them?

Hot tip, OP: children don't get damagingly anxious about seeing a parent unless that parent has abused them quite severely, or they've witnessed them abusing their "safe" parent. So whatever way you slice his story, he's an abusive liar.

You cannot afford to be this naive.

My ex reported me for stalking the police showed up at my house asked me where I had just been I said work? Your ex said you were over at his house he gave a description of you car and EVERYTHING...my car is at the garage has been for almost a week can you prove it? Well umm yes see my courtesy car? The one right there with the words courtesy car on it? he then rang back while they were there claiming I was still there and I had been making malicious phone calls too they decided to ID check me at this point just to make sure they weren't going crazy I said he has two ex wives perhaps try the other one?

He did it to his last fiance too got her evicted from her own home for antisocial behaviour

My point is just because they say it doesn't mean it's true I literally live my life in a lense because his allegations could potentially ruin my life

And I will say this latest wife he called the police on claiming she was drunk and violent cost her the job she loved (didn't stop her marrying him)

Some men literally weaponise the police

OP, I get that dating these days is HARD and it does seem like there aren’t that many keepers out there, but honestly? I’ve stuff in my fridge longer than this relationship. Bollocks to it. He’s not even good in bed. You already have a funny feeling about him. What is good here? I cannot see anything.

I don’t know how old you are, but in my mid-thirties my two major red flags are

1. has kids but doesn’t see them.
2. has any more than zero “crazy exs”

Both of those things are an Absolutely Not from me.

A good parent would shield their dc from incidents caused by their 'crazy ex'. Young dc are black and white so only don't see people who really scare them for example. Children still want to see their abusive parents most of the time so it's quite unusual for such young children to express this. There would be no reason that they would be anxious seeing their dad if he was a safe person. If it was the ex they would be reassured that she is now gone and they could continue to see their loving safe father without fear. Young children would not need weeks and weeks to process a crazy ex, a good parent would want to be there to reassure them and show them love and care. If the parent was safe the children would want to soak up this positive time. A good parent would not leave it weeks or months so it could fester. Weeks are a long time in small children's lives. Even if children were anxious about seeing a parent, a good parent would move heaven and earth to help them and especially if they had a good relationship with the other parent. Most good parents could not go without seeing their children for weeks. Good parents would not enter into a new relationship while in the middle of such issues and would focus on supporting their children, especially when it is their actions (getting into a relationship and introducing them before fully knowing the ex. Not shielding the children from incidents) that led to the children's worry. Good parents would not get into a new relationship so soon knowing that the children would find this unsettling on top of the current situation. The children have been affected negatively by their dad's crazy ex....you know what's a good idea? Getting with someone else ! The children would be scared of a repeat and dad should focus on them until they are better.

This man is not a good parent. He is more interested in his limp penis. He can't be alone for more than 5 minutes which tells me all I need to know. He can't even be bothered to spend all his time focusing on his dc after he supposedly contributed to making them mentally unwell. Bad parents are bad people. This man is a liar that is plain to see. He's lazy and useless.

Even if he is not lying about his 'crazy ex' (he is) everything else is enough to make him a waste of space. Walk away op. It's not worth it.

Wow the PP is spot on xx

So he’s got a 6 year old, already had a 2 year relationship with a crazy woman (apparently) who then stalked him for a year afterwards and now he’s been with you for a few months - he doesn’t like the bed getting cold does he?

Maybe if he put as much effort into getting to see his kids as he seems to chasing sex then he might be a vaguely decent father target than a feckless lying twat.

Just a thought

@NicciJane I'm sorry if some people here are harsh on you: you are not to blame for wanting to trust someone you like.
But, like some other PP have said, something about him doesn't feel right to you (maybe in an unconscious level) so i really think you should trust your gut.
It's shocking when you have to reconcile what you see of a person, and other information that paints that person in another light: the "cognitive dissonance" can be very troubling.
Obviously anybody here knows him like you do, but sometimes there are things that can be seen from the outside way clearer and there are really many red flags in this story.
So, ignoring all the rudeness, you really should consider seriously what people have seen and said to you in this thread 🙏

Of course you're absolutely sure that he's lovely, he been nothing but lovely to you and you're happy being with him. If you were absolutely sure of him you wouldn't be posting on Mumsnet asking for advice about him. He is a walking red flag - you can do better than this.

Yes my ex and OW did this. Made false allegations to the police. I was arrested and dragged out of my house on a Sunday morning, leaving my disabled 3 yo with my 14 year old to care for him. I was gone for NINE FUCKING HOURS. In the meantime, ex is ringing everybody to say I've been arrested, proof I was crazy. The pair of them loved every minute of it. They then did all they could to try and force me to break my bail conditions.

There was no case to answer, I made a full complaint to the IOPC and sat and had that interview while I was hooked up to chemotherapy. Got a full apology yet they will still tell people that I'm dangerous, abusive and nuts. Oh and guess what? He abandoned the kids. Of course that will be my fault in their addled brains. Seriously OP, you need to listen to all of us who have been through this shit.

@TheFormidableMrsC

That's horrific. I sincerely hope life is going well for you now.

Yep, I know someone with a ‘psycho gold digger ex’ and two (teen, now adult) children who are NC with him because of ‘parental alienation’. 🙄

The real story is his sexually abused one of his children and his ex obviously left him to protect her dd’s and neither daughter will have anything to do with him and has never let him meet his grandchildren. I know because I’ve seen the court records from the trial. But the story is still so woe is me, the kids just wanted money and made it all up. Oh, and he’s committed other child sexual offences too.

Normally, I’d say do a Clare’s Law request, but honestly, just chuck this one in the bin. There are so many better fish in the sea than this reject.

I'd definitely contact the police and do a Clare's Law application. You're obviously having doubts about his truthfulness or you wouldn't be posting on here. Trust your gut instinct, it's telling you something isn't right here.

You've only just moved to the area and started seeing this guy very soon afterwards - typical target of this kind of man, he doesn't need to isolate you from friends.

Your mutual acquaintances - they knew him first right? They don't know him well either.

Doesn't see his children and they are anxious about seeing him but he has an amicable relationship with their mother ... so why don't they want to see him? Really.

Crazy ex ... Do you have any idea how hard it is to get a DV charge to guilty without a witness? Even with bruises.

She stalked him and he called the police ... OK so he will have an incident number for that at least.

DV victims form trauma bonds too though and if he was also beating her up and she lost a baby, that would be even more likely.

Clares Law will tell you he was charged, but he's already told you that.

Have a read around here, many of us believed our shiny new partners had crazy exs who accused them of DV ... until they because our abusive partners and we found out the truth the hard way.

Trust your niggling feeling and get rid of this man before you end up with a baby and stuck with him in your life forever.

The biggest red flag 🚩 here is, “He told me very early on.”
The next thing he’ll say is that he’s “playing a long game” re - his children.
I bet his children’s mother has a restraining order against him and children’s social care are involved.
I have heard this type of story from men so often that I can reel off the script.

Exactly what I thought.

If he had this experience with his ex gf but had a great relationship with his wife and kids I'd possibly give him the benefit of the doubt but this is too much of a shit show. He doesn't sound worth the risk tbh.

OP - even if it turns out that he’s telling the truth, his situation sounds way too complicated to facilitate a fun, positive relationship with him. You’ll be dragged into his problematic world and you’ll lose yourself in it. Not worth it. Look after yourself.

Bollocks. Run. You'd be mad to carry on with this one just because you're a bit lonely.

Trust that niggling feeling in your gut OP.
🚩🚩🚩