August 2024 - But we took you to Stately Homes!

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Welcome to the Stately Homes Thread.

This is a long running thread which was originally started up by 'pages' back in December 2007.

So this thread originates from that thread and has become a safe haven for Adult children of abusive families.

The title refers to an original poster's family who claimed they could not have been abusive as they had taken her to plenty of Stately Homes during her childhood!

One thing you will never hear on this thread is that your abuse or experience was not that bad. You will never have your feelings minimised the way they were when you were a child, or now that you are an adult. To coin the phrase of a much respected past poster Ally90;

'Nobody can judge how sad your childhood made you, even if you wrote a novel on it, only you know that. I can well imagine any of us saying some of the seemingly trivial things our parents/ siblings did to us to many of our real life acquaintances and them not understanding why we were upset/ angry/ hurt etc. And that is why this thread is here. It's a safe place to vent our true feelings, validate our childhood/ lifetime experiences of being hurt/ angry etc by our parents behaviour and to get support for dealing with family in the here and now.'

Most new posters generally start off their posts by saying; but it wasn't that bad for me or my experience wasn't as awful as x,y or z's.

Some on here have been emotionally abused and/ or physically abused. Some are not sure what category (there doesn't have to be any) they fall into.

NONE of that matters. What matters is how 'YOU' felt growing up, how 'YOU' feel now and a chance to talk about how and why those childhood experiences and/ or current parental contact, has left you feeling damaged, falling apart from the inside out and stumbling around trying to find your sense of self-worth.

You might also find the following links and information useful, if you have come this far and are still not sure whether you belong here or not.

'Toxic Parents' by Susan Forward.
Here are some excerpts:

"Once you get going, most toxic parents will counterattack. After all, if they had the capacity to listen, to hear, to be reasonable, to respect your feelings, and to promote your independence, they wouldn't be toxic parents. They will probably perceive your words as treacherous personal assaults. They will tend to fall back on the same tactics and defences that they have always used, only more so.

Remember, the important thing is not their reaction but your response. If you can stand fast in the face of your parents' fury, accusations, threats and guilt-peddling, you will experience your finest hour.

Here are some typical parental reactions to confrontation:

"It never happened". Parents who have used denial to avoid their own feelings of inadequacy or anxiety, will undoubtedly use it during confrontation, to promote their version of reality. They'll insist that your allegations never happened, or that you're exaggerating. They won't remember, or they will accuse you of lying.

YOUR RESPONSE: Just because you don't remember, doesn't mean it didn't happen".

"It was your fault." Toxic parents are almost never willing to accept responsibility for their destructive behaviour. Instead, they will blame you. They will say that you were bad, or that you were difficult. They will claim that they did the best that they could but that you always created problems for them. They will say that you drove them crazy. They will offer as proof, the fact that everybody in the family knew what a problem you were. They will offer up a laundry list of your alleged offences against them.

YOUR RESPONSE: "You can keep trying to make this my fault, but I'm not going to accept the responsibility for what you did to me, when I was a child".

"I said I was sorry what more do you want?" Some parents may acknowledge a few of the things that you say but be unwilling to do anything about it.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I appreciate your apology, but that is just a beginning. If you're truly sorry, you'll work through this with me, to make a better relationship."

"We did the best we could." Some parents will remind you of how tough they had it while you were growing up and how hard they struggled. They will say such things as "You'll never understand what I was going through," or "I did the best I could". This particular style of response will often stir up a lot of sympathy and compassion for your parents. This is understandable, but it makes it difficult for you to remain focused on what you need to say in your confrontation. The temptation is for you once again to put their needs ahead of your own. It is important that you be able to acknowledge their difficulties, without invalidating your own.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I understand that you had a hard time, and I'm sure that you didn't hurt me on purpose, but I need you to understand that the way you dealt with your problems really did hurt me"

"Look what we did for you." Many parents will attempt to counter your assertions by recalling the wonderful times you had as a child and the loving moments you and they shared. By focusing on the good things, they can avoid looking at the darker side of their behaviour. Parents will typically remind you of gifts they gave you, places they took you, sacrifices they made for you, and thoughtful things they did. They will say things like, "this is the thanks we get" or "nothing was ever enough for you."

YOUR RESPONSE: "I appreciate those things very much, but they didn't make up for ...."

"How can you do this to me?" Some parents act like martyrs. They'll collapse into tears, wring their hands, and express shock and disbelief at your "cruelty". They will act as if your confrontation has victimized them. They will accuse you of hurting them, or disappointing them. They will complain that they don't need this, they have enough problems. They will tell you that they are not strong enough or healthy enough to take this, that the heartache will kill them. Some of their sadness will, of course, be genuine. It is sad for parents to face their own shortcomings, to realise that they have caused their children significant pain. But their sadness can also be manipulative and controlling. It is their way of using guilt to try to make you back down from the confrontation.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I'm sorry you're upset. I'm sorry you're hurt. But I'm not willing to give up on this. I've been hurting for a long time, too."

Helpful Websites

Alice Miller
Personality Disorders definition
Daughters of narcissistic mothers
Out of the FOG
You carry the cure in your own heart
Help for adult children of child abuse
Pete Walker
The Echo Society

There are also one or two less public offshoots of Stately Homes, PM AttilaTheMeerkat or toomuchtooold for details.

Some books:

Toxic Parents by Susan Forward
Homecoming by John Bradshaw
Will I ever be good enough? by Karyl McBride
If you had controlling parents by Dan Neuharth
When you and your mother can't be friends by Victoria Segunda
Children of the self-absorbed by Nina Brown - check reviews on this, I didn't find it useful myself.
Recovery of your inner child by Lucia Capacchione
Childhood Disrupted by Donna Jackson Nazakawa

This final quote is from smithfield posting as therealsmithfield:

"I'm sure the other posters will be along shortly to add anything they feel I have left out. I personally don't claim to be sorted but I will say my head has become a helluva lot straighter since I started posting here. You will receive a lot of wisdom but above all else the insights and advice given will 'always' be given with warmth and support"

I've also now added the post written by Escapingafter50years as detailed below:

"I've copied these links I posted in the last thread and hope they are useful to people here. In addition to therapy and the Stately Homes, I've found them really useful in getting my head around the toxic mess I grew up in".

Podcasts
Helen Villiers & Katie McKenna – incredibly informative and validating, over 70 free weekly podcasts (these, combined with seeing a therapist, have been transformative for me)
https://uk-podcasts.co.uk/podcast/in-sight-2

Videos
Dr Ramani – has been highly recommended here regularly
https://www.youtube.com/@DoctorRamani/videos

Instagram
Useful for bite-size snippets which are supportive and help you feel you’re not alone
https://www.instagram.com/understandingthenarc/
https://www.instagram.com/patrickteahantherapy/
https://www.instagram.com/the.holistic.psychologist/
https://www.instagram.com/gottmaninstitute/
https://www.instagram.com/scapegoatchildrecovery/

Facebook
Peg Streep, has written a book called Daughter Detox
https://www.facebook.com/PegStreepauthor
Narcwise, like Instagram, this account has bite size snippets, often very insightful
https://www.facebook.com/narcwise

Twitter
Nate Postlethwaite
https://twitter.com/nate_postlethwt
Ryan Daigler
https://twitter.com/Ryan_Daigler

Websites
Out of the Fog (lots of information & tools on this website)
https://outofthefog.website/
Mary Toolan Scapegoat Child Recovery (was recommended here, there’s a useful free e-book)
https://www.marytoolan.com/

Short-read Articles
Psychology Today “Narcissist”
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/archive?search=narcissist&op=Search
Psychology Today “Narcissism”
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/archive?search=narcissism&section=All

Books
I haven’t read all of these yet, but have read most and would recommend them
Toxic Parents by Susan Forward
Toxic In-Laws by Susan Forward
Emotional Blackmail by Susan Forward
Mothers Who Can’t Love by Susan Forward
Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay C. Gibson (probably a good first book to read if you're not sure your parent/s is/are narcissistic)
Daughter Detox by Peg Streep
The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel Van Der Kolk
Pulling Your Own Strings by Wayne Dyer (written a long time ago but has good strategies for dealing with people who don't treat you properly)
A couple of other books I have seen recommended by the wise AttilaTheMeerkat and are my to-read list:
Will I Ever Be Good Enough by Karyl McBride and
Codependent No More by Melody Beattie

I’m new to the thread and really struggling at the moment.

I’ve been NC with my family for over a decade. I’d like to say it’s bliss, but it’s not really. They may not be in my life anymore, but they live rent free in my head. I often find myself on a downward spiral of flashbacks and my internal voice is their voice constantly putting me down and criticising me.

I have children and as they are getting older and heading into the teenage years I’m terrified my family are going to turn my children against me. The reason I have this fear is because their smear campaign after I went NC with them was catastrophic for me. They cut me off from most people I cared about. They did it by telling people everything they said and done, I had said and done instead. They said they “had to” cut me off and told people they didn’t know the real me (they basically reversed the entire situation). They also said I was crazy (used my anxiety and depression against me) and had a “vivid imagination”. I became very isolated.

I have survived it, but I feel broken at the same time.

Im scared now my children are getting older they will stalk my children on social media and drive a wedge between me and them. It keeps me awake at night. The thought of losing my children to them terrifies me, also if they manipulate their way in enough it might mean I have to see them again at future events like my children’s weddings. I’m full of intrusive thoughts. I can’t cope with it. I know it’s catastrophising and ironically now my imagination is actually being vivid, but I can’t shake the fear. My fear for the future is stealing my present.

How do all of you go NC and actually keep them out of your life forever?

Any advice?

Hi all, just catching up on some of these posts from the last few days. I hope you’re all doing ok and managing as best as you can in your own situations.

I’m still struggling with anger and resentment towards my NM. More so because I’ve seen more of her toxic, victim mentality messages to my brother and his partner. She’s also been using mine and my brothers dead dad as a guilt tripping tool throughout these messages which boils my blood.

I had my initial talking therapy appointment today which went well. It’s looking like I might receive some CBT and 1:1 therapy, when the woman asked me what my triggers were, the main one was my NM. Her emotional, physical and verbal abuse over the years really has damaged me. I feel irreparable sometimes. But I know I’ll get there, I have to for my family and my daughter.

@BornIntoHell I’m so sorry you’re going through such anguish. Well done on managing to put yourself first by going NC 10 years ago, that’s amazing. You managed to save your kids from experiencing what you have, so much pain and work went into that so I’m sorry to hear you have all these worries now. I can absolutely relate to your concerns, they’re very valid. I’m NC far less than you but have been LC for the last 4 years, and it was fear of my kids being in their company (and subject to their madness) that drove it. What I will say is that you have raised your kids in an emotionally healthy environment, where I’m sure you parent in the opposite way you were and this will stand in your kids favour. If they ever did have the misfortune of being in contact with them I think they would notice their toxicity quickly. Your kids are older now so you would be able to explain more to them and they will be able to understand the situation much better. It seems you have been triggered by this fear and it’s being expressed in the form of anxiety and intrusive thoughts, I’ve been there, it’s not nice. What I would recommend is therapy, you’re going through a hard time right now and it would help you (I’m re entering therapy myself due to anxiety around my decision to maintain NC). In the meantime try and practice self care if you can, it might sound simple but it will help. You’re incredibly strong and you will sort all this out, look at what you have already achieved and draw strength from that. 🌺

@BornIntoHell I'm sorry you're in this situation.

My children are little but they understand I don't talk to my mum because she wasn't kind to me. How much do your kids know/understand? Whether it's an arse of an ex-H or toxic families, there's always the risk that teens will have their heads turned - let's face it, parenting is incredibly Urgh to teens and these people offer shiny, new promises to teens. They do come to realise the truth. I like to think that loving them regardless helps.

Counseling really helped me. I still have days/moments where the anger and bitterness is overwhelming but I've let go of a lot of the thoughts, feelings and behaviours from the past.

The feeling they will try turn your kids against you or even treat your kids the way they have treated you brings so much anxiety. My mother once told my son I didnt love him because I was going out that night. She got down to eye level with him to say it. He was no more than 5 at the time. I ordered her out of my home there and then and stayed home with him. One thing I will always show my son is that I will protect him no matter what. He is a teen now but understands why things are now the way they are and our lives are better for it.

Came across this on youtube yesterday and I was like a nodding dog. Every single word I agreed with. Might be useful to someone :

@BornIntoHell 💐 I can't give you any advice, because I am not in a NC situation. I was going to say what PP has said: you raised your children in a way that allows them to notice the toxicity, so regardless of any potential contact between them and your family, even if temporarily you think your family is "winning them over" I would bet it's impossible that they reach their hearts to the point you're talking about.

Question for everyone who wants to answer it: wheter you are NC or LC, where do you live with regards to your toxic/abusing/narc family?
I'm LC with them, but I live more than 300 miles away. Has distance been a factor in your decision between LC and NC?
I ask because I sometimes think that I'm able to be LC because I live far from them.

In response to the last post, I've been LC for years and being a long way away makes this very very much easier. I'm too distant for anything less than an overnight stay at the absolute minimum, and since my DM doesn't have a spare room, I can't stay there (she has actually got a room but got rid of the bed in it!). We speak on the phone but can go a few weeks between calls when things are frosty; and of late I have kept the calls very short and superficial. I was grey-rocking before I knew the term even exists. Texting etc doesn't happen, though I text my brother and I know he shares pictures etc with my mother - that's fine, I do so on that understanding.

I decided many, many years ago that I was going to keep my geographical distance as an adult. My Golden Girl sister stayed close to the childhood home and I was well aware that this would mean less hassle for me, and more for her, as the years went by. I felt that was a fair deal!

I think that if you are a kind and loving parent, the chances are that your children will want to stay in contact with you as you age, even if they emigrate to the other side of the world. If not - well, you reap as you sow.

@BornIntoHell my mother isn’t as bad as yours but I’ve warned my sons many times to take everything she says with a pinch of salt. My eldest lives with his (moderately narcissistic) dad and youngest and I live with my mum. I get really nervous when I hear her talking to him although it’s usually about rubbish. I suppose narcissism has become one of my special interests (I’m autistic and clearly a masochist🤣) and we talk about it a lot. Maybe some would say that’s not healthy but he’s naive and very gentle and kind so I want him to be aware of all the behaviours.

I’m just checking in after quite a long time. I honestly thought just a few days ago, that I’d made a huge breakthrough in detaching from my mum. I’d bought some noise cancelling headphones and I was managing to not react to the comments. Reading some of the examples of conversations on here makes me realise just how awful she is. She’s actually been better in recent months because I threatened to leave, but that just made me realise that she was aware of her behaviour and able to control it. She seems to want to be nice but she can’t keep it up. She gets jealous of the attention I give my dogs and says I care more about them than I do her (true🤣). She said something about me treating my DS better than I treat myself and I said (intentionally) that parents should treat their children like princes and princesses. She scoffed and said something like “You expect me to treat you all the same?”.

Well this morning she had a mini stroke and it’s thrown me into turmoil again. I took her to the doctors, which was very stressful for me because I have severe health anxiety. I had a mini breakdown in the doctors and started crying because I’m so lonely and isolated. Some would say I made it all about me but I’m traumatised after a year of living with my mum and it was nice to just speak to someone kind. She’s back home and at least abusive BIL has agreed to take her to the hospital tomorrow. She’s been very needy and constantly saying “I wish you liked me” and it’s making me feel like such a cow. Since getting back from the doctors the narc behaviours have all come back (probably because she knew I wouldn’t argue and I didn’t think the noise cancelling headphones were appropriate!). She said that she thinks it’s resolvable and I know she wants things resolved before she goes but I know she’s not capable. I’ve tried and tried to make her understand her behaviour. I’ve even tried to explain what passive aggression is!! Stupid I know. But I tried for years to get her to see the error of her ways and be the mother I needed.

Is it madness to consider that once I let her stop draining all my energy she became ill? That’s probably daft but it feels like it’s either that or that God is playing a terrible joke on me. I sound so self indulgent!

@MsNeis I live a plane journey away from them. LC didn't work for me because I emotionally regress into a child so to speak with every interaction. I saw a different life ahead of me that I wanted in which I would feel free and become my true self and realised I cannot get there otherwise. I also got to a point at which I had nothing to say to them so why continue.

I believed for a long time that if I just learnt to deal with it I could be LC, which I now realise are the low standards I grew up with and that I still put some blame on me. I didn't know that all it needs is permission from myself to end relationships I don't want to have. I don't need to present good enough reasons to anyone.

I'm starting to go through something similar at work where a male coworker has been treating me poorly for years (mansplaining and other things) and will not stop despite having been spoken to by my manager and myself. I like my job and somehow thought I will just have to endure it. But this week I told my manager that this isn't for me and that I am evaluating other options in the company etc. I can't actually believe it came out of my mouth. I stand my ground against my parents and it turns out I'm starting to do it in other areas of my life too. I just realise my worth a lot more and my right to be happy and to put myself first. This is obviously something my parents trained out of me early on.

I think LC or NC is much harder if you live there in proximity to the parents.

Mini vent - I need to be called to the Bar at some point. Will be my first ever ‘graduation’ type ceremony as I studied both my English and Law degrees with the OU whilst working, and didn’t bother doing the graduations…

Previously I asked my parents to come and they had a problem with the distance and that it would be ‘full of rich people’ and they would feel inadequate. I stopped raising it because it just felt like a chore for them, which made me feel shit.

now, I’m not really talking to them and I asked my (male) friend who did the Bar with me if he would come with as my guest and he said he had to ask his girlfriend in case she wasn’t happy about it.

feel like a massive loser right now that I don’t have anyone to come with me. My other friends live too far away. I might just ask if they can call me in my absence and not go at all 😕

Thank you for the replies, they make me feel less alone. I suppose it’s inevitable that my narcissistic family will draw my children in at some point. I just have to come to terms with it, and I’m not sure I can. I’ve had counselling several times over the years. The last one said similar - that even if they do get drawn in, they will likely return to me and see through them.
Ive been trained to feel worthless compared to every person on the planet by my family though, so I don’t feel ‘enough’. Plus my family are wealthy, and I am not, so they will no doubt use that as an angle.

@MsNeis I live in the same town as my family, which is why I know they will get their hooks into them sometime soon.

@Supamum3 I'm right in the depths of that sinking feeling and anxiety in my stomach now. Reassuring to hear about your experience.
I know it's wrong but I'm still feeling like maybe I'm being dramatic and that my mum isn't 'that bad' compared to some on here. I definitely have the more over-involved type. My cat needs feeding, she wants to do it. She wants to pick the kids up from nursery. She wants to come on days out with my friends. She wants to in the hospital when my daughter sprained her arm even though I've asked her not to come. In all of these situations she would be late and 0 help.
@MsNeis I live 5 mins away she she will regularly be driving past house to get into town. The thought makes me shudder and it's only been two days. I've got a new lock on the back gate am being extra careful about locking doors when I'm at home. I don't know what I'm expecting!

Unfortunately, I live in the same town as them. It’s a big enough town at least, think 30K people but I do feel I have to look over my shoulder when in certain areas but, despite that, it’s worth it. I never appreciated before the impact their abuse had on me mentally and physically, I’ve seen huge improvements on those fronts. Accepting that I have a “right” to go NC is another matter though, I still feel I’m making a mountain out of a molehill and berate myself for not being like other people who manage to have the fake, superficial kind of relationship with their family. I’m going to sort this aspect with therapy though, as it’s a weight around my neck at the moment.

thanks for sharing that, and I can imagine just how awful you were feeling to decide to block her in that moment, I guess we all reach a point and decide enough’s enough. Glad your dad has made a full recovery, and good for you for doing what you feel best after dropping your guard, it seems the manipulation is never too far away. Thanks for your kind words, I think a day at a time is the best way to think of it, I often get myself in a tizz thinking about milestones in my DC lives that they will miss out, on but I’m driving myself crazy.

I think the problem I had when I first went NC was having guilt/doubt if the abuse justified NC. Looking back we are the worst people to decide this as we have been conditioned to accept, excuse and feel we deserve this abuse. Also all our self confidence has been taken. So this would buzz around my head and stress me. But then my friend who was the mediation councillor gave me the best and most simple advice I had and it really helped. I’ve mentioned it before, but he said if a relationship with someone is not nourishing to your wellbeing then you should question if you should continue it, if it’s detrimental to your wellbeing, you definitely shouldn’t. Doesn’t matter who that relationship is with, family or friends. It’s basic but true and took all the overthinking out of it for me. By nourishing he means when you see someone, do you generally feel replenished mentally and it’s a positive, enjoyable experience, or do you instead feel depleted, down and sucked dry.

You may think your abuse wasn’t as bad as someone else, but that’s totally irrelevant. It’s really how it affects you personally and that’s what he made me realise. So basically I know my mother/family are bad for my mental health, so the bottom line is I can’t see them and I come back to that thought in times of doubt/guilt etc. It’s a very simplified way of looking at a very complicated situation but for me it really helps.

Not ‘officially’ NC as haven’t blocked or declared as such, but since I moved I’ve not spoken to my parents except for practical things on a couple of occasions. They haven’t tried to contact me.

I don’t feel guilty as such, just sad and disappointed. But I also can’t deny I am happier and my life is improving. That’s all the evidence I need really.

@Wigglytuff345 I agree, the bottom line is if under all the complicated, difficult feelings you generally feel some sort of relief & peace from LC/NC, it’s probably the way to go.

@Trappedwitheviledna
She’s been very needy and constantly saying “I wish you liked me”
Yes mum, I wish you had liked me, been a kind mother who loved and cared for me but you weren't, so here we are.
When relationships are this broken there is no mending unless you completely capitulate to her wants, she isn't capable of behaving.
So you are stuck treading water in no man's land.

You are so right, since NC I am more confident and my self worth in general has greatly improved I’ll now challenge bad behaviour from people in other aspects of my life too now. That can only be a healthy thing.

I relate to this: I'm LC but it's been a process over the years and it mainly consisted in me taking advatage of the fact that I live "very far away", as my DM puts it. In other words, what my DM can't see or control, it's like it doesn't exist. I've been out of her home since I went to college: what I always experienced was a complete disregard for my life away from them (they never showed interest in what I was doing, didn't care) to the point that I myself felt so disillusioned with my life when I was mid twenties... Mind you, I had a beautiful relationship with my now DH, we were young and living in a city full of live, I was learning, started a PhD... And yet I was miserable, I felt such apathy, Life felt like so much effort... I now know, thanks to therapy, that all this was because I was seeing my life trough the gaze (or lack thereof) of my parents. I didn't existed if they couldn't see or control me, so I literally felt as if I didn't exist (weird feeling I can't explain very well: I've had panic attacks since I was a girl about it).
When it finally clicked, I started intentionally putting more geographical distance between us: we moved to the city we live now and got married. Then had our first DC, and now our DC2 (months old). During all this time, I've witnessed a change in DM: the more I intentionally put boundaries up, and the more she percieves them as intentional from my part, the more she tries to tear them down. So whereas she never had an interest in getting to know me and share my life, she feels entitled to demand a "conventional" relationship with me. Everything she does, though, has the quality of "plausible deniability": so barr my DH, who sees her for what she is, my counselor and my best friend (who always save my sanity when I second guess myself), I csn't "accuse" her of anything. I NEVER speak with her on the phone alone, always do "familly calls", with my DH with me.
My sister, whom I talked to about all this and she said she related to it and to whom I even gave Karyl McBride's book, now acts like our conversations never happened and all is fine and we're a happy family (she remains with them).

LC for me has been very challenging (still is) but also it's what felt more "organic". To her I was always a tabula rasa where she projected what she wanted, but she did feed off my negative experiences, so she definitely has been aware of my change of attittude. Grey rock is exhausting for me, but I don't know anyy better right now.
Every time we are in contact with them (3 o 4 times a year, we have our own place there and my DC never spent alone time with them) it's like drinking a little bit of poison for me...

Sorry for such a long post🙏😱

@Wigglytuff345 Maybe if you put a general location on here you could get someone to go? No different to online dating or getting a stranger online to witness a wedding I would imagine :)

@Genuineweddingone it’s London as at my inns of court but I’m in the SW. I feel silly I asked my friend now, worried I overstepped but didn’t think it would be weird as we studied together (and I need to borrow his wig anyway!) 😅
I have to pay for guests and honestly feel like it’s probably easier to go alone. Parents went to all siblings graduations. Just upset me today…

@MsNeis I can relate to a lot of what you say, unfortunately. You mention that, initially, your sister agreed with your view of your mother but then changed and she is now firmly with happy family narrative. The same thing happened to me, it was disturbing to watch tbh. It’s like the more I was revealing the truth of my upbringing the more she wanted to silence me, even though she was very supportive initially. It’s a great example of how entire families are destroyed by narcissism. We are NC which is very sad but, like you say it happened organically.

i found the attempts by my parents at a conventional relationship (after I told them of my horrible childhood) literally nauseating. I couldn’t do grey rock anymore for my own sanity and my boundaries were constantly torn down so NC is the end result.

NC is freeing and emotionally healthy for me but it’s hard too with the self doubt and blame, at least my shame has lessened so that’s something. It’s a very tough situation though, you have my sympathies.

The thing I find hardest about LC/NC is that so often throughout my life I have had to cut people off who were toxic. I then worry I’m the problem and am being over sensitive. Other people seem to manage in life and have friends for years, and family, and I now only have a handful of friends made in the last couple of years, and now no family either.

I really do worry sometimes I am the issue, but I am well liked by people. It’s hard when your own family seem to have such a negative view of you compared to others.

For example, before I moved out my mum told me I was horrible and she hoped my new housemate ‘knew what she was letting herself in for’.

my new housemate regularly tells me I am the best housemate ever 😕 makes me feel like I’m going mad!