August 2024 - But we took you to Stately Homes!

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Welcome to the Stately Homes Thread.

This is a long running thread which was originally started up by 'pages' back in December 2007.

So this thread originates from that thread and has become a safe haven for Adult children of abusive families.

The title refers to an original poster's family who claimed they could not have been abusive as they had taken her to plenty of Stately Homes during her childhood!

One thing you will never hear on this thread is that your abuse or experience was not that bad. You will never have your feelings minimised the way they were when you were a child, or now that you are an adult. To coin the phrase of a much respected past poster Ally90;

'Nobody can judge how sad your childhood made you, even if you wrote a novel on it, only you know that. I can well imagine any of us saying some of the seemingly trivial things our parents/ siblings did to us to many of our real life acquaintances and them not understanding why we were upset/ angry/ hurt etc. And that is why this thread is here. It's a safe place to vent our true feelings, validate our childhood/ lifetime experiences of being hurt/ angry etc by our parents behaviour and to get support for dealing with family in the here and now.'

Most new posters generally start off their posts by saying; but it wasn't that bad for me or my experience wasn't as awful as x,y or z's.

Some on here have been emotionally abused and/ or physically abused. Some are not sure what category (there doesn't have to be any) they fall into.

NONE of that matters. What matters is how 'YOU' felt growing up, how 'YOU' feel now and a chance to talk about how and why those childhood experiences and/ or current parental contact, has left you feeling damaged, falling apart from the inside out and stumbling around trying to find your sense of self-worth.

You might also find the following links and information useful, if you have come this far and are still not sure whether you belong here or not.

'Toxic Parents' by Susan Forward.
Here are some excerpts:

"Once you get going, most toxic parents will counterattack. After all, if they had the capacity to listen, to hear, to be reasonable, to respect your feelings, and to promote your independence, they wouldn't be toxic parents. They will probably perceive your words as treacherous personal assaults. They will tend to fall back on the same tactics and defences that they have always used, only more so.

Remember, the important thing is not their reaction but your response. If you can stand fast in the face of your parents' fury, accusations, threats and guilt-peddling, you will experience your finest hour.

Here are some typical parental reactions to confrontation:

"It never happened". Parents who have used denial to avoid their own feelings of inadequacy or anxiety, will undoubtedly use it during confrontation, to promote their version of reality. They'll insist that your allegations never happened, or that you're exaggerating. They won't remember, or they will accuse you of lying.

YOUR RESPONSE: Just because you don't remember, doesn't mean it didn't happen".

"It was your fault." Toxic parents are almost never willing to accept responsibility for their destructive behaviour. Instead, they will blame you. They will say that you were bad, or that you were difficult. They will claim that they did the best that they could but that you always created problems for them. They will say that you drove them crazy. They will offer as proof, the fact that everybody in the family knew what a problem you were. They will offer up a laundry list of your alleged offences against them.

YOUR RESPONSE: "You can keep trying to make this my fault, but I'm not going to accept the responsibility for what you did to me, when I was a child".

"I said I was sorry what more do you want?" Some parents may acknowledge a few of the things that you say but be unwilling to do anything about it.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I appreciate your apology, but that is just a beginning. If you're truly sorry, you'll work through this with me, to make a better relationship."

"We did the best we could." Some parents will remind you of how tough they had it while you were growing up and how hard they struggled. They will say such things as "You'll never understand what I was going through," or "I did the best I could". This particular style of response will often stir up a lot of sympathy and compassion for your parents. This is understandable, but it makes it difficult for you to remain focused on what you need to say in your confrontation. The temptation is for you once again to put their needs ahead of your own. It is important that you be able to acknowledge their difficulties, without invalidating your own.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I understand that you had a hard time, and I'm sure that you didn't hurt me on purpose, but I need you to understand that the way you dealt with your problems really did hurt me"

"Look what we did for you." Many parents will attempt to counter your assertions by recalling the wonderful times you had as a child and the loving moments you and they shared. By focusing on the good things, they can avoid looking at the darker side of their behaviour. Parents will typically remind you of gifts they gave you, places they took you, sacrifices they made for you, and thoughtful things they did. They will say things like, "this is the thanks we get" or "nothing was ever enough for you."

YOUR RESPONSE: "I appreciate those things very much, but they didn't make up for ...."

"How can you do this to me?" Some parents act like martyrs. They'll collapse into tears, wring their hands, and express shock and disbelief at your "cruelty". They will act as if your confrontation has victimized them. They will accuse you of hurting them, or disappointing them. They will complain that they don't need this, they have enough problems. They will tell you that they are not strong enough or healthy enough to take this, that the heartache will kill them. Some of their sadness will, of course, be genuine. It is sad for parents to face their own shortcomings, to realise that they have caused their children significant pain. But their sadness can also be manipulative and controlling. It is their way of using guilt to try to make you back down from the confrontation.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I'm sorry you're upset. I'm sorry you're hurt. But I'm not willing to give up on this. I've been hurting for a long time, too."

Helpful Websites

Alice Miller
Personality Disorders definition
Daughters of narcissistic mothers
Out of the FOG
You carry the cure in your own heart
Help for adult children of child abuse
Pete Walker
The Echo Society

There are also one or two less public offshoots of Stately Homes, PM AttilaTheMeerkat or toomuchtooold for details.

Some books:

Toxic Parents by Susan Forward
Homecoming by John Bradshaw
Will I ever be good enough? by Karyl McBride
If you had controlling parents by Dan Neuharth
When you and your mother can't be friends by Victoria Segunda
Children of the self-absorbed by Nina Brown - check reviews on this, I didn't find it useful myself.
Recovery of your inner child by Lucia Capacchione
Childhood Disrupted by Donna Jackson Nazakawa

This final quote is from smithfield posting as therealsmithfield:

"I'm sure the other posters will be along shortly to add anything they feel I have left out. I personally don't claim to be sorted but I will say my head has become a helluva lot straighter since I started posting here. You will receive a lot of wisdom but above all else the insights and advice given will 'always' be given with warmth and support"

I've also now added the post written by Escapingafter50years as detailed below:

"I've copied these links I posted in the last thread and hope they are useful to people here. In addition to therapy and the Stately Homes, I've found them really useful in getting my head around the toxic mess I grew up in".

Podcasts
Helen Villiers & Katie McKenna – incredibly informative and validating, over 70 free weekly podcasts (these, combined with seeing a therapist, have been transformative for me)
https://uk-podcasts.co.uk/podcast/in-sight-2

Videos
Dr Ramani – has been highly recommended here regularly
https://www.youtube.com/@DoctorRamani/videos

Instagram
Useful for bite-size snippets which are supportive and help you feel you’re not alone
https://www.instagram.com/understandingthenarc/
https://www.instagram.com/patrickteahantherapy/
https://www.instagram.com/the.holistic.psychologist/
https://www.instagram.com/gottmaninstitute/
https://www.instagram.com/scapegoatchildrecovery/

Facebook
Peg Streep, has written a book called Daughter Detox
https://www.facebook.com/PegStreepauthor
Narcwise, like Instagram, this account has bite size snippets, often very insightful
https://www.facebook.com/narcwise

Twitter
Nate Postlethwaite
https://twitter.com/nate_postlethwt
Ryan Daigler
https://twitter.com/Ryan_Daigler

Websites
Out of the Fog (lots of information & tools on this website)
https://outofthefog.website/
Mary Toolan Scapegoat Child Recovery (was recommended here, there’s a useful free e-book)
https://www.marytoolan.com/

Short-read Articles
Psychology Today “Narcissist”
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/archive?search=narcissist&op=Search
Psychology Today “Narcissism”
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/archive?search=narcissism&section=All

Books
I haven’t read all of these yet, but have read most and would recommend them
Toxic Parents by Susan Forward
Toxic In-Laws by Susan Forward
Emotional Blackmail by Susan Forward
Mothers Who Can’t Love by Susan Forward
Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay C. Gibson (probably a good first book to read if you're not sure your parent/s is/are narcissistic)
Daughter Detox by Peg Streep
The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel Van Der Kolk
Pulling Your Own Strings by Wayne Dyer (written a long time ago but has good strategies for dealing with people who don't treat you properly)
A couple of other books I have seen recommended by the wise AttilaTheMeerkat and are my to-read list:
Will I Ever Be Good Enough by Karyl McBride and
Codependent No More by Melody Beattie

Oh I am the reason my mother doesnt have a relationship with my son. Nothng to do with the fact it was him she picked at last time and embarassed him and he doesnt want to see her no no all me. If our children were in abusive relationships we would be told to get them away from that partner but it comes to dna and all that goes out the window.

I'm really wary of her spending any time with the kids because she pushes them to ask to visit her home country. She told them fast food tastes nicer there then of course that primed them to ask us to go.

It is really expensive to go there and not particularly safe either so I don't want to.

She also used to go on and on about how superior her home country was to here, took the piss out of our accents, all that sort of stuff. Apparently cigarettes are less unhealthy there too.

There is no reasoning with unreasonable people. This is why we are far better off keeping them at arm's length or putting them directly in the bin. With a sturdy bin lock.

That sounds a lot like my mum, everything is better in her country apparently, this country is never good enough for her 🙄 why did she choose to move here then?! I remember her mocking my accent as well when I was a kid, and her mum criticising all my attempts to speak their language (even when I spoke it perfectly).

I could have written your post, pretty much. I was never good enough, a B was treated as a fail, if I came joint first in something she'd be angry and demand to know why I hadn't beaten the other kid, if I got 9 out of 10 on a test or even 49 out of 50 she said I wasn't good enough even though I was top of the class... it got to the point where I once got 100% on a test and she called me lazy because I didn't get more than 100%, so I asked her how I could get more and she smirked and called me stupid because I didn't know (It was obvious that she didn't know either but was trying to hide it).
It wasn't good enough to be good or even the best at some things, I had to be better than everyone else at absolutely everything, otherwise she'd sneer at me and compare me to others. And yes, I was always told at the time (and still am told now) how "difficult" I was, even though I was the most boring teenager imaginable (no drinking, sex, drugs, going out, etc). I worked hard to get into uni just to get away from home and wanted to end it all if I didn't get in. I also squirmed at mentions of "family" for a very long time.
I suppose she was living through me or had to have some perfect trophy kid... perhaps she needed me to be "better" than others as a way of showing that she was "better" than others. I have started to think that my family must all have very low self-esteem and need to put others down all the time to prove how "special" and superior they are.

Sorry to triple post (lots to catch up on!)... just remembered my father and how I never felt good enough for him either, although with him it was a slightly different focus, it was more like he was unhappy with me being a child. (Just a completely normal child, not bad at all.)

He would get angry at anything that was obviously aimed at kids (kids' tv, kids' books, nursery rhymes, etc) or at me and my brother talking or having fun (not being annoying or naughty or loud, just normal age-appropriate activities or conversations). There was definitely pressure on us to grow up as fast as possible and a sense that as long as we were kids we weren't good enough, no matter how good we were. If he saw us reading kids' books, even if they were advanced for our age, he would snatch them off us, throw them in the bin, slap us and call us stupid. I remember hiding kids' books from him because he would throw them away or rip them up if he saw them.
When I was about 9 or 10 he started calling me stupid and retarded because I hadn't read "War and Peace" yet and he kept saying he'd read it loads of times by the time he was my age (I kept saying "yeah right 🙄"). When I was 10 I started to read it to keep him happy, I got 2 chapters in and he asked me if I'd finished it yet, I said no so he called me retarded again, so I put it down and never picked it up again. If you put scenes like this in a work of fiction people would think it was unrealistic but it is absolutely true, he had the most unrealistic expectations of us!

My father was violent, mostly towards my mother. At age 17 I'd had enough. He was trying to get into my room, I was trying to stop him. He pushed the door, it hit me in the face. It didn't leave a bruise - so the next day I created a fake bruise with makeup and went into school. That set things in motion for us (my mother, sister and I) to get out. He was emotionally abusive too - I got 4 A* and 6 As in my GCSEs - wasn't good enough.

My mother was/is an alcoholic. She's judgemental, a total misanthrope, cold, thinks the world is out to get her. Her health is appalling, she can barely walk, gets furious with me when I ask her to go to the doctor. She lives in an annexe of my home. So going NC isn't an option. I feel guilt on a daily basis that she has no contact with anyone (although it's her choice) and that she's just festering her remaining years away. I don't enjoy interactions with her, and she clearly has no interest in spending time with me (I invite her for Sunday lunch, she says no thanks - even though she's not doing anything else. She never does anything, has no friends or hobbies).

At this point it just feels like I'm waiting for the inevitable to happen. This isn't a very nice feeling.

@PlinkyPlonkyDonkey your mum has no friends or hobbies because she isn't capable of forming friendships, outsiders don't have to put up with her and she doesn't want to make an effort. My mum was an alcoholic really bitchy, bitter and self absorbed, she had no friends just carers at the end.
Tbh if your mum has no interest in spending time with you as hurtful as you find it make the most of it, don't feel guilty. My mum sat in her chair festering for 12 years making everyone's life a misery. They are not capable of change, let her get on with it, you are not responsible for her or her happiness, even if you feel you are.

Ever since completely stepping back from my parents is see my mothers narcissim so much clearer. I cannot know for sure of course, but I have so many moments in which I recognise it. My mother would not ruin events, but she has a way of making things about her and the uses food and gifts (also food or money, never a truly thoughtful or personal gift) for that.

My niece recently started secondary school and they had a little celebration and intro in school to get to know their teachers and new classmates. My parents went to hang out in the school parking lot (!!) waiting for her to come out to give her a small gift. I know it will have been my mother's idea, but I find it so bizzare now that they turned up for this and then like that. I see it so clearly now.

I also know that they could not have been told NO or there would be a reaction from her. My nieces dad, my brother, is so enmeshed.

This wasn't about my niece AT ALL. If it was, they could have done something small for her she would like (not that they know what she likes) or have given it to her at home but it was just my mother's way to weasel her way into her big day and be part of it, but make it appear like she just cares about her grandchild by having a generic gift with her.

My mother is not good at gifts, she doesn't care. it's always food or money. Just something to make you think you are loved (you are not) and make you feel guilty.

Urrgghhh. I am SO glad to be out of there and that I can see clearly now.

I've never posted in this thread before, but feeling a bit vulnerable today. I tried going NC with my mum in April, but it's just not working and I don't know what I can do to make myself feel better.

Both my parents were abusive in different ways. I've been NC with my dad since I was 17, and frankly cutting him out of my life has been easy. I haven't regretted it once. My mum is very different however. She neglected me from when I was very little, either because she couldn't cope that well from being on the spectrum, or when she was depressed because of my father's abuse. She is extremely emotionally immature and makes everything about her feelings, whether intentionally or not. She used to hit me when I was little and tell me it wasn't that bad compared to her own childhood. She would tell me she'd put me into a home if I didn't clean up my act...to this day I'm unsure how I would have done this. I didn't drink or do drugs and did fine at school, but she was so rigid in things needing to be how she wanted them to be that I was never gonna be able to do it right. Still, she loved me and was also a victim of my dad's abuse, so I've tried having a relationship with her. I just can't do it anymore in the same way I think. We had a falling out when she stayed at mine and she compared me yelling at her to how my dad was and said she was done with me.

It triggered all these memories and feelings of times she'd rejected me. Some things I never considered might be abusive, but now I'm rethinking them. Like how I needed to stay in bed until she was ready to wake up, which would often not be before 9-10am. I was really perplexed that people said they got up when their young children woke up at 6-7am. I thought it was normal to stay in bed quietly until your mum was ready to get you...

I decided to try and cut contact as I was just so upset that I'd finally realised or admitted to myself that my mum was never going to be the mother I wanted her to be - but since then I've been feeling just as miserable. I feel guilty, I feel sad, I feel angry. My mum sends me messages all the time ranging from complete ignorance to begging for my forgiveness about this one thing that happened when she was here. And I snapped earlier and wrote her a long ass message about my feelings and my childhood..which I wasn't going to do as it won't do what I'd want it to do. So now I've failed in the NC and in accepting my situation and I'm just so miserable. But I can't cope with all the guilt and the sadness. My mum has a big birthday coming up and all I've been thinking about is how I deal with that. I thought it would get better and easier as time went on, but that's not been the case at all.

@Mistresstotheworkwife I''m sorry to hear about this. I went low contact with mine for a year and found I really struggled with that as I'd still be on the receiving end of the guilt tripping. Would blocking her help?

I also think it's very unusual to go NC all at once and feel better straight away.

Maybe think of the birthday in terms of what you can cope with, if anything? My Dad's been terminally ill for years (it has gone on and on) and I'm down to dealing with stuff in a way I can cope with, rather than getting pushed into dealing with things how my Mum would like me to.

I don't think blocking would change much. My main issue is that I'm constantly grieving the relationship I cannot have and want to have - I want to have a fun birthday with my mum and drink together and be silly and have a relationship. I'd do so much for that and I've allowed so much crap for a chance at that, but she is just giving me nothing in return. She sends me presents and my favourite food and my favourite drinks, but she just doesn't understand the concept of a healthy relationship and is completely bonkers.

She answered my essay about my real feelings towards her, and some highlights include

1. She's so sorry, but with everything that's happened to her she's proud of herself for still being alive.

1. She's jealous of the relationship I have with my in-laws, because it reminds her of her guilt over my upbringing and made her realise we aren't close and that sucks (this last part was the most genuine thing she said. As in the only time where she acknowledged something I said is true without a caveat)

1. She's extremely sorry and feels guilty every day, but doesn't know how to fix things and there's so much abuse my dad did to her that she won't go into because it'll hurt my feelings.

1. She didn't hit me 'all the time' it was only sometimes.

1. Her psychiatrist found out that she has a sixth sense and is hypersensitive which is really hard for her to cope with.

Every time my dad comes up she just brings the conversation back to her. She'll keep saying she's made mistakes but will never name them exactly, and it's always 'I did my best'. I honestly wouldn't even care about it that much if it was in the past, but it isn't. That's my issue. She hasn't been with my father for over 15 years and she still treats me poorly.

@Mistresstotheworkwife
The old 'i did my best' excuse. Her best wasn't even half enough, she made poor choices and you paid for them. Whatever her situation (my mum was an alcoholic) she put herself first, any mother worthy of the name would put her child's needs, health, safety etc first. It's too late for her hand wringing now. She neglected you as a child but I bet she will expect you to look after her, they always do.
It isn't easy to go NC, I had been low contact for years but got pulled back in, then went NC. I blocked all contact, it is the only way because they will keep pushing until they get their own way. The only way to stop her justifying herself is to block contact.

Just happened to see this article today (there are probably ways around the paywall but I'm not sure I'm allowed to post them!):

https://www.telegraph.co.uk/health-fitness/wellbeing/mental-health/walking-ahead-peculiar-traits-of-a-narcissist/

I had a difficult relationship with my mother. She went out into the snow and laid down in a field wanting to die the night I was born. I’m the youngest of 3 and my DB and DSIS had a completely different experience of her as a mother. Some of my childhood bordered on neglect- my Dad worked away and my siblings were older and not living at home. DM was often depressed and would take to her bed leaving me to fend for myself.
I knew our relationship was different to the one my friends had with their DMs. I went through periods where I wondered if I was adopted and why she didn’t love me. I was a difficult teen and ended up going non contact with DM after my parents divorced.
I had a year of therapy which really helped me but it always niggled me that I didn’t know why and it affected my self esteem because I fear rejection and I am always afraid I’m not good enough.
In her later years DM suffered from dementia. I did take on caring responsibilities and was left to deal with everything by my siblings. I thought it was the right thing to do and I am glad that I was able to do that. She has been dead 10 years.
Now to the point of this. A few years ago my DSIS was working on a family tree through Ancestry. We all did DNA tests to look for wider family members. Mine came back saying I was only a half sister to my siblings and was not related to my DF side at all. It has taken me a long time to try and process what this means. Everything I thought I knew was wrong and all the therapy I had feels like it was wasted and I’ve gone back to the beginning now.
My DF is deceased also. There is no one to ask about what could have happened. My DB has some memories of being taken to meet a male “friend” of my DM before I was born. We presume an affair.
i struggle with all this, off and on. Some days I feel it’s too late and I should just accept what has Passed, I’m who I am now because of what my childhood was like. I wish I could have this conversation with my DF, find out what happened or if he knew. I suspect that he did. When they separated he apologised to me for having to leave me with DM. I will never have the answers.
I think I would like some counselling but am afraid of opening up and going through all the emotions that I went through last time. It was a long and difficult process and completely drained me. I ended up on antidepressants to get me through. I’m not sure if I can go through that again. Even writing this has ramped up my anxiety and I know it affects me in all sorts of ways on a daily basis.

@Mistresstotheworkwife I'm very sorry you are going through such turmoil.
I could have written all your post, in fact its so weird in a way to read someone else's post thinking it's like if that was me! The only difference is that my mother did not marry any abuser. Her trauma seems to be she wasn't allowed to study
And we paid for it hugely. The hitting, the jealousy, the rigid rules, even having to be in bed when very small until she felt like waking up. She also threatened to bring us to a home, and she even walk with us one day to the gate of a children's home, and I remember one time I thought about it and told her (in my innocence) I wanted to go to a home. I meant it. I thought from age 7 or 8 I would be better anyware else.
I totally identify with the feeling of grieving a relationship you should have with a normal mum. But look its never going to happen. She made a mistake with your father and she should have put you first. You said it is all about her feelings and nothing else. That's exactly what my mother still does and I had enough. Enough of rants, jealously, manipulation. Its draining and we don't deserve it.
Enjoy that lovely relationship with your inlaws. I focus on my good relationships too.
I'm nobody here to give you any advice because I'm still trying to figure out myself how to cope with that horrible person my mother is. Just want to send you a big hug. You are not alone x

@thedowntontrout
That must have been a shock. Your non biological father seemed to be a very decent person apologising and all for living you with your mother.
Just to say I totally get that therapy is so difficult, I haven't been able to start any mulyself because I fear lots of anxiety. I read this group thread for a couple of years now and that makes me not to feel alone. But even at times I am not able to even read as triggers my anxiety. Please take it easy, very sorry for what you are going through xx

Hi guys, my mum is driving me mad. She split with my dad when I was 4 and I was put into boarding school at 6.. by the age of 10 she would leave me there for weekends so she could holiday with her wealthy husband. She loved her life. I spent most of my childhood crying, I missed my dad and I missed my mum too. Boarding school at 6 was incredibly hard, especially if I was Ill during the night and had to be taken care of by my headmistress who was awful and very strict.. often I would deal with my sickness myself because I didn’t want to wake her to help me.
Fast forward 42 years and my mother now expects me to pander to her ailing health. She has COPD from smoking cigs and drinking heavily.. she’s incredibly overweight. She had no ftiends because she is bitter.. as is her husband… they have a very unhappy toxic relationship due to alcohol abuse.
its her 70th soon.. she keeps telling me she ‘hopes to make it to 70’.. it’s all so manipulative.. she digs at me infront of my husband and children, which I do not appreciate. She did this the other weekend and when I told her I was upset about it she chose to ignore my message.. no apology... When we spoke last week she was spoiling for a row about me mentioning her digging at me and she bought my 11 year old into the row. My 11 year old doesn’t like her.. she’s a crap nan and doesn’t spend any alone time with my children.
financially she has done nothing to help me over the years.. even tutting at me for asking her for £20 as an 18 year old who had moved out and was skint. She inherited £18k a few years ago from a distant cousin she didn’t even know.. my auntie, her sister also got the same money.. while my auntie gave my cousin £5k and bought her other things, my mum bought me a pair of dungarees and took me for a pedicure.. because I wondered why she hadn’t given my brother and Ï anything I was called a money grabber by her husband.. this is the last thing I am.. I have literally never received a thing from them.. I have gone very LC because I can’t deal with the constant put downs and her anger at my having different political views to herself. Plus I won’t allow her to dig at my daughter. My mother is now posting posts of fb about ‘people not caring for her even though she has cared so much for them…’ I know this is aimed at me.. I’m so sick of her crap.. I don’t really like her. Yes she has some nice qualities.. but she has never been a mother to me or a particularly good grandmother.. because her 70th is coming up she has been putting in her demands for her birthday.. about what she would like to do..for my 40th she and her husband turned up hungover and left early .. it’s was an awful evening and left me feeling very hurt. I don’t understand how she expects so much from me now.. I know she is lonely and not very well, but her unhappiness isn’t really my problem.. I don’t want to have to deal with her anymore, I can’t forgive her for my childhood.. and even though she had said sorry, she doesn’t mean it, because nothing has ever changed.. she just wants me to rally round her now.. it’s so unfair that some people get such loving mums and some of us get absolute narcissistic nightmares.
I would do anything for my children so in some ways her toxicity has been positive because it’s made me realise I want to be nothing like her

@Kelwar This is something I noticed within my own “family” - they did nothing for me but always expected me to step up for them. (I’m NC now).

I would put minimal effort into her 70th, she doesn’t deserve a fuss. Do enough that she can’t complain, but not so much that you end up resenting it. I only recommend this as you are LC, if you were NC I would just say ignore her birthday.

Social media is the worst invention for people who are narcissists - they get their attention through it and publicly chuck their victims under the bus and twist everything around.

The only way really with a narcissist is NC really, LC doesn’t work because they still have access to you and your life to pull you down and get their high.

You owe her absolutely nothing. What you owe yourself is a chance of a happier life without her in it. Your DC would probably be happier without her toxicity in their lives too. It’s very hard having a narcissistic parent because you end up investing so much time longing for a normal, loving parent. I spent so much time deluding myself that one day my family would wake up and realise how they were treating me was wrong. But the harsh reality is, that day never comes. As the scapegoat you just end up wasting so much of your life on them.

I think narcissists treat their scapegoats as stress balls. They don’t see us as people, they just see us as something to take their frustrations out on.

Make her 70th the day you go NC, she will never know the pain and sadness her as caused you, omg 6 yrs old and boarding school so young to have feeling of neglect and loneliness, she does not deserve you or grand daughter, I went NC 13 yrs ago and honestly why I didn't do it sooner, her grandchildren don't miss her don't mention her, mine was nasty, cruel, cold, no affection no love, always made to feel in the way, resented me being there and told me so, but had golden child, I still think ' how could your mum be so cruel and cold ' I asked her once first time I felt brave enough to ask know now how to be a kind caring loving supportive mum after having my own children, her words were, ' you were always a little twat ' her words, no apology no compassion, she stood up from park bench brush herself down and said, you can take me home now, that's when I went NC no sm
My own saying now ' no more fucks to give' that's me,

Omg o can’t believe your mum called you a little twat! How bloody awful.. good for you for cutting her out if your life.. my mother always says dick things to me.. more recently I’d stupidly over shared some info about my marriage being in crisis.. we sat round there for lunch.. I could tell she was in a horrible mood when I arrived.. as we sat down, she said ti my husband and children ‘best thing to do with your mother is to just agree with everything she says and then apologise afterwards’ .. it was said in a really nasty way.. and deigned to hurt and put me in my place infront of my children.. I told her I was irked by her comment and she shouted at me telling me she was just joking.. I told her it wasn’t really funny.. she doesn’t give a monkeys.. no apology just defending her behaviour once again.. she’s never wrong about anything.. going NC on her 70th.. omg.. she’d drive me mad.. calling/texting/emailing.. she’s even turn up at my house to have a go at me.. I’m not even sure if I love her anymore.. I feel sad more than anything.. maybe because she’s still in my life..

Can I please join in? I am in my 30s and have just been diagnosed with major depressive disorder due to my family upbringing. I was/still am the middle forgotten sibling. My older sibling and the younger sibling are the golden two. I got left to fend for myself from as far back as I can remember. My older sibling tried to drown me as a small child as I was taking her attention away from our parents.
When younger sibling came along it was game over and as we all grew up I was constantly pushed out and told I'm not good enough nobody loves me which has really stuck with me and throughout my life made me look for love and affection where I really shouldn't of. Other family members could see what was happening but parents and siblings rubbished it as me making up things for attention
Fast forward to now I am happily married to my amazing husband and we have 2 kids. He saved my life as I was in a dark place when we met and he stuck by me first as a friend and then as a partner. Siblings have in the past made up stories about my husband to my parents to try and split us up. It's like I'm not allowed to be happy at all
I have taken the decision to totally cut my siblings off as I cannot take anymore hurt and pain. I think 25+yrs is more than enough and I need to try to get myself better and I can't do that if I have any contact with them. At this moment I have to distance myself from my parents too as they are all emeshed with siblings

Sorry for the long post and I hope it makes some sense 🙈

Aww op you said it , your feeling your memories but this person takes no responsibility for your childhood and your feeling,
LC is very stressful at birthdays and partys not all present know situation and how you feel so the smallest of time spent is you pretending it's OK, it's so hard, I use to come away get in car a just cry because I was the only one hurting yet protecting my parents for the shit show of a party, So draining,
I do wish you strength 💪 on the day, keep it short, and get out of there,

I had flying monkeys at the door today. That hasn’t happened in a long time. They were angrily knocking the door, saw them on the camera. I had a bad panic attack, I didn’t answer the door.
It never really ends, does it? These invisible family strings permanently tying us to our abusers. We can pull all we like, but the strings don’t break. It’s like we are all on extendable leads like dogs.
So fed up of it.