August 2024 - But we took you to Stately Homes!

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Welcome to the Stately Homes Thread.

This is a long running thread which was originally started up by 'pages' back in December 2007.

So this thread originates from that thread and has become a safe haven for Adult children of abusive families.

The title refers to an original poster's family who claimed they could not have been abusive as they had taken her to plenty of Stately Homes during her childhood!

One thing you will never hear on this thread is that your abuse or experience was not that bad. You will never have your feelings minimised the way they were when you were a child, or now that you are an adult. To coin the phrase of a much respected past poster Ally90;

'Nobody can judge how sad your childhood made you, even if you wrote a novel on it, only you know that. I can well imagine any of us saying some of the seemingly trivial things our parents/ siblings did to us to many of our real life acquaintances and them not understanding why we were upset/ angry/ hurt etc. And that is why this thread is here. It's a safe place to vent our true feelings, validate our childhood/ lifetime experiences of being hurt/ angry etc by our parents behaviour and to get support for dealing with family in the here and now.'

Most new posters generally start off their posts by saying; but it wasn't that bad for me or my experience wasn't as awful as x,y or z's.

Some on here have been emotionally abused and/ or physically abused. Some are not sure what category (there doesn't have to be any) they fall into.

NONE of that matters. What matters is how 'YOU' felt growing up, how 'YOU' feel now and a chance to talk about how and why those childhood experiences and/ or current parental contact, has left you feeling damaged, falling apart from the inside out and stumbling around trying to find your sense of self-worth.

You might also find the following links and information useful, if you have come this far and are still not sure whether you belong here or not.

'Toxic Parents' by Susan Forward.
Here are some excerpts:

"Once you get going, most toxic parents will counterattack. After all, if they had the capacity to listen, to hear, to be reasonable, to respect your feelings, and to promote your independence, they wouldn't be toxic parents. They will probably perceive your words as treacherous personal assaults. They will tend to fall back on the same tactics and defences that they have always used, only more so.

Remember, the important thing is not their reaction but your response. If you can stand fast in the face of your parents' fury, accusations, threats and guilt-peddling, you will experience your finest hour.

Here are some typical parental reactions to confrontation:

"It never happened". Parents who have used denial to avoid their own feelings of inadequacy or anxiety, will undoubtedly use it during confrontation, to promote their version of reality. They'll insist that your allegations never happened, or that you're exaggerating. They won't remember, or they will accuse you of lying.

YOUR RESPONSE: Just because you don't remember, doesn't mean it didn't happen".

"It was your fault." Toxic parents are almost never willing to accept responsibility for their destructive behaviour. Instead, they will blame you. They will say that you were bad, or that you were difficult. They will claim that they did the best that they could but that you always created problems for them. They will say that you drove them crazy. They will offer as proof, the fact that everybody in the family knew what a problem you were. They will offer up a laundry list of your alleged offences against them.

YOUR RESPONSE: "You can keep trying to make this my fault, but I'm not going to accept the responsibility for what you did to me, when I was a child".

"I said I was sorry what more do you want?" Some parents may acknowledge a few of the things that you say but be unwilling to do anything about it.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I appreciate your apology, but that is just a beginning. If you're truly sorry, you'll work through this with me, to make a better relationship."

"We did the best we could." Some parents will remind you of how tough they had it while you were growing up and how hard they struggled. They will say such things as "You'll never understand what I was going through," or "I did the best I could". This particular style of response will often stir up a lot of sympathy and compassion for your parents. This is understandable, but it makes it difficult for you to remain focused on what you need to say in your confrontation. The temptation is for you once again to put their needs ahead of your own. It is important that you be able to acknowledge their difficulties, without invalidating your own.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I understand that you had a hard time, and I'm sure that you didn't hurt me on purpose, but I need you to understand that the way you dealt with your problems really did hurt me"

"Look what we did for you." Many parents will attempt to counter your assertions by recalling the wonderful times you had as a child and the loving moments you and they shared. By focusing on the good things, they can avoid looking at the darker side of their behaviour. Parents will typically remind you of gifts they gave you, places they took you, sacrifices they made for you, and thoughtful things they did. They will say things like, "this is the thanks we get" or "nothing was ever enough for you."

YOUR RESPONSE: "I appreciate those things very much, but they didn't make up for ...."

"How can you do this to me?" Some parents act like martyrs. They'll collapse into tears, wring their hands, and express shock and disbelief at your "cruelty". They will act as if your confrontation has victimized them. They will accuse you of hurting them, or disappointing them. They will complain that they don't need this, they have enough problems. They will tell you that they are not strong enough or healthy enough to take this, that the heartache will kill them. Some of their sadness will, of course, be genuine. It is sad for parents to face their own shortcomings, to realise that they have caused their children significant pain. But their sadness can also be manipulative and controlling. It is their way of using guilt to try to make you back down from the confrontation.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I'm sorry you're upset. I'm sorry you're hurt. But I'm not willing to give up on this. I've been hurting for a long time, too."

Helpful Websites

Alice Miller
Personality Disorders definition
Daughters of narcissistic mothers
Out of the FOG
You carry the cure in your own heart
Help for adult children of child abuse
Pete Walker
The Echo Society

There are also one or two less public offshoots of Stately Homes, PM AttilaTheMeerkat or toomuchtooold for details.

Some books:

Toxic Parents by Susan Forward
Homecoming by John Bradshaw
Will I ever be good enough? by Karyl McBride
If you had controlling parents by Dan Neuharth
When you and your mother can't be friends by Victoria Segunda
Children of the self-absorbed by Nina Brown - check reviews on this, I didn't find it useful myself.
Recovery of your inner child by Lucia Capacchione
Childhood Disrupted by Donna Jackson Nazakawa

This final quote is from smithfield posting as therealsmithfield:

"I'm sure the other posters will be along shortly to add anything they feel I have left out. I personally don't claim to be sorted but I will say my head has become a helluva lot straighter since I started posting here. You will receive a lot of wisdom but above all else the insights and advice given will 'always' be given with warmth and support"

I've also now added the post written by Escapingafter50years as detailed below:

"I've copied these links I posted in the last thread and hope they are useful to people here. In addition to therapy and the Stately Homes, I've found them really useful in getting my head around the toxic mess I grew up in".

Podcasts
Helen Villiers & Katie McKenna – incredibly informative and validating, over 70 free weekly podcasts (these, combined with seeing a therapist, have been transformative for me)
https://uk-podcasts.co.uk/podcast/in-sight-2

Videos
Dr Ramani – has been highly recommended here regularly
https://www.youtube.com/@DoctorRamani/videos

Instagram
Useful for bite-size snippets which are supportive and help you feel you’re not alone
https://www.instagram.com/understandingthenarc/
https://www.instagram.com/patrickteahantherapy/
https://www.instagram.com/the.holistic.psychologist/
https://www.instagram.com/gottmaninstitute/
https://www.instagram.com/scapegoatchildrecovery/

Facebook
Peg Streep, has written a book called Daughter Detox
https://www.facebook.com/PegStreepauthor
Narcwise, like Instagram, this account has bite size snippets, often very insightful
https://www.facebook.com/narcwise

Twitter
Nate Postlethwaite
https://twitter.com/nate_postlethwt
Ryan Daigler
https://twitter.com/Ryan_Daigler

Websites
Out of the Fog (lots of information & tools on this website)
https://outofthefog.website/
Mary Toolan Scapegoat Child Recovery (was recommended here, there’s a useful free e-book)
https://www.marytoolan.com/

Short-read Articles
Psychology Today “Narcissist”
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/archive?search=narcissist&op=Search
Psychology Today “Narcissism”
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/archive?search=narcissism&section=All

Books
I haven’t read all of these yet, but have read most and would recommend them
Toxic Parents by Susan Forward
Toxic In-Laws by Susan Forward
Emotional Blackmail by Susan Forward
Mothers Who Can’t Love by Susan Forward
Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay C. Gibson (probably a good first book to read if you're not sure your parent/s is/are narcissistic)
Daughter Detox by Peg Streep
The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel Van Der Kolk
Pulling Your Own Strings by Wayne Dyer (written a long time ago but has good strategies for dealing with people who don't treat you properly)
A couple of other books I have seen recommended by the wise AttilaTheMeerkat and are my to-read list:
Will I Ever Be Good Enough by Karyl McBride and
Codependent No More by Melody Beattie

You are so right.. I have had my fill of them.. and I’ve ended up with my own issues with alcohol which while isn’t as bad as my parents.. has become a habit.. since I’ve not spoken to my mother in the last week I’ve not reached for the bottle once.. and I do feel happier without the constant worry of having to speak to her.. I know ultimately I’ll be happier without them.. they offer absolutely nothing to my life.. sometimes my mum will want to be my friend.. but having read up on narc behaviour, it’s a way of drawing me in before she pisses me off again.. plus she needs me now she’s not well.. but I don’t want to take care of someone who abandoned me as 6 year old..
good for you taking the stance you did.. I wonder if cutting my brother off too would be good so we aren’t having to speak about her.. I’ll have a think about that too..

You can’t navigate it guilt free, but if you can remember that guilt is a feeling it’s no a fact. Therapists say to sit with the guilt, you will want to contact her to make the horrible stomach churning guilt feeling go away. As with all things it needs time.

@Kelwar alcoholism often comes with the territory. Both parent and sibling have significant alcohol dependency but it's hidden. I had issues with very extreme out of control binge drinking for years when in my 20s.

I haven't posted on here for a while. I've been really struggling with things - my DF is dying and my "D"M is leveraging this in a really horrible way. She's been doing her level best to be the centre of attention at birthdays, Christmas, my sister's cancer treatment even.

My Dad's care was also a complete clusterfuck because you "can't plan for old age" according to DM and everyone else had to do emergency dashes up and down to their remote village while they lurched from crisis to entirely predictable crisis. I ended up getting physically and mentally ill trying to cope with it all.

The cancer bit really has been awful as I was obviously very upset about this on top of everything else but DM just kept on trying to be the main character in the scenario, phoning every distant relative she could think of, without asking my sister, with inaccurate updates so me or my sister had to straighten things out. She even waited until my sister was getting an op then the same day sent messages wanting a family get together at hers, my sister had already said she couldn't drive because of the treatment she was having.

It's gone on for a few years and if you say anything you are being uncaring and not supportive enough. It's 100% made a bad situation worse and she just lies.

I'd been reducing contact and grey-rock-ing but "D"M would do really unsettling things to try and provoke a reaction - she's tried to get involved with a project at my work then used it to demand I go and visit, turned up my house to push stuff through the door (she lives an hour away and had no real reason to be there but weird excuses).

What made me crack was trying to call me when she knew I was away on holiday then complaining I'd blocked her (because I'd accurately predicted there was going to be some sort of invented drama when we were on holiday; in fact there were two).

Anyway I had it out with her today. She 100% stuck to the script upthread - nothing was her fault, her behaviour was perfectly reasonable, she just basically lied or belittled.

She also kept saying that we were "family" and "had to work together".

I've agreed to speak to her about DF but nothing else and she said she'd go and speak to her lawyers to make sure I wasn't involved in her future care (and presumably write me out her will, although I'm quite happy about this).

I think I've done enough to get peace for a while and am feeling quite relieved. I also said she needed to make a plan for her future that didn't involve people having to crisis manage and I think that will help my sister.

I'm sure it won't last forever but I'm feeling a lot happier right now.

If you have had counselling where have you gone for it? I did a self-referral nearly a year ago for NHS Talking Therapies and someone rang me and went over my issues and she declined my referral. She said all I was eligible for was online CBT or to go to Relate (sessions are £92 each which I can’t afford). I had CBT years ago and didn’t find it helpful so I don’t see how clicking a computer programme will be helpful.

I watched my DM’s funeral livestream a few days ago. It was a religious service so aside from the eulogy by an aunt it was completely nothing about DM. Aunt’s eulogy was fairly ordinary, no mention of me (her only DC), or her only DGC but I guess that’s to be expected. I just thought how sad that it all came to this due to her behaviour etc, and they’ve all sided with her and are shunning me.

I have not heard from anyone on DM’s side of the family, or her DP (I have text my condolences and have sent cards).
My DF (NC due to his DW) notified his side of the family (so DM’s ex in-laws since the 80’s) and they have said nothing either. Seems I really am a pariah.

Hi @Airworld have you looked here:

https://www.counselling-directory.org.uk

Private thereapy is hugely costly but good therapists also offer sessions for less than £92. I pay £70 in London, but depending on where you are costs for the therapist might be lower and they offer sessions for £50-60. Most have a sliding scale as well for key workers or lower incomes, in case any applies to you.

I had CBT on the NHS too (twice, online and f2f - a very limited number of sessions each time) and it was completely inadequate for overcoming my childhood trauma. Many therapists say it does not work for childhood trauma and tbh I don't know how it could have helped with major emotional flashbacks. I feel like I received the wrong treatment, which made things worse for me because I thought I was beyond help.

Hello I’m new to this thread and have recently been told about it. I think that this may be a place for me. My childhood was odd, my mum has a long term illness and I’m pretty sure mental health issues due to her abusive father. She tried but was emotionally unavailable and blew hot and cold. I ended up in a 15 year long narcissistic marriage. I eventually left that when I reached as far low down as I could. That was 5 years ago. I am in a new relationship and I thought I was doing ok but I seem to have issues with this family now also. I’m unsure if I am the problem or if I was told on my thread that I just don’t have the tools to spot dysfunctional families. They don’t and have never really accepted me. They look so lovely on the outside but on the inside don’t do vulnerability, they don’t do support, they don’t accept difference. They are all about looking good. I really don’t fit in and I’m struggling. The mum and dad are the worst in my opinion. My partner is not really like this but I do spot every now and again his empathy for people is lacking. I wonder if I ask too much or if I’m just asking the wrong people. People who only want to look and feel good don’t have time for someone like me who doesn’t have the perfect past and sometimes needs just a little support and encouragement. They call vulnerable people manipulative and this is probably how they see me and I am really not.

@Airworld I say this kindly, why would you want any contact with any of them. Your family is dysfunctional and drama driven, this is the perfect time to block all of them. No good will come from any contact.
I didn't go the therapy route but I watched a lot of podcasts, read the recommended books which put everything in its place and into perspective. I also found this group brilliant for letting off steam.

Well I am in work but the postman delivered what i can see by the pic i was sent is a card and my mothers writing is obvious on it.

I think my situation might be a little different from many as I don't think my mother is narcissistic, and I would be loathe to dignify her behaviour towards me as a child with a label anyway.

She was just plain unpleasant to me when I was young, I was never made to feel loved or emotionally protected by her and in fact I spent a lot of time in tears and as a teen considered suicide on many an occasion (never attempted though, thank heaven). She seemed to enjoy upsetting me, it felt like a power thing; but when I used to arrive in school in tears (again!), my friends would never credit it -- "But your mother's lovely!" Yes, to everyone else bar me.

It took many years before she stopped being so unpleasant to me, and over about 30 years we had very slowly grown closer and the nastiness seemed to have gone. 30 years is a very long game to play if it were simply a case of sucking me in to push me away again so I really can't see that. Alcohol isn't a factor either.

She's now pretty elderly and took enormous offence at my siblings and I suggesting that she needs some help. (Even the govt agree with us, she gets higher rate AA!). Our attempt to push this led to the mega-row when, out of the blue, she started telling me how unpleasant she thought I was being (I was only trying to help!) If this had been a one-off I would have ridden it; and tbvh there is some truth in her assertion that we were trying to ride roughshod over her wishes. But the way she did it, and the things she said, pressed those buttons and suddenly I was 12 again and fighting back the tears. We parted on very bad terms; she apparently believed that I'd told her that our relationship was over (I hadn't said or even implied that).

My OH has always liked my mother and was quite cross with me last week as I said that I could only go to see my mother again if I felt emotionally able to handle it. I'd never told my OH about my suicidally depressed teen years so I had to tell, which has led to better understanding, and hopefully my OH won't push again for a visit. At the moment I don't feel I can risk another trigger.

BUT -- I don't want to go NC. It took decades to build up the trust between us, and we don't have decades now to repeat the same due to my mother's age, so I have decided that I will try to stick with fairly limited contact (telephone only with superficial conversation at the moment) but it is hard. I feel fragile. I believe that if I did go NC and told her of that, she would stay away, I don't for one moment believe that she would chase me the way that some of yours chase you. If I choose to go NC (and apparently she thought I said that when we argued, although I didn't) then I know I will never see her again and I cannot feel that that is right for me or for her.

It's so bloody difficult.

@SadMary The Elderly Parents board might be helpful. Unfortunately there are quite a few of us with historically strained relationships with our parents that elder care issues have not improved...

After feeling happier this morning having agreed to limit contact to being about my Dad, "D"M attempted to video call me this morning when she knew I'd be in work. I didn't pick up.

It will either be "a mistake" (she's got form for this as a way to poke at people) or to try and force an unplanned interaction with my Dad who is terminally ill.

She's got form for phoning me and I'd pick up in case he was dead or imminently about to die, she'd then put him straight on and he'd mumble incoherently for a second or two then she'd take the phone off him. She would refuse point blank to ever warn me she was going to do this and it's horribly upsetting, and particularly difficult if I was at the playpark with the kids or in the supermarket. I've asked her repeatedly not to do it without warning and she still tries it.

I need to go back to feeling a bit better about it and remind myself that I don't have to interact with her.

This is so awful, I'm so sorry, it's a very cruel rhing to so.
I wouldn't pick up the phone if it was her again. I think she does it because she knows you'll pick up and she has the power.

@Airworld I may have posted this on this thread already so apologies if you've read it before: I self referred to NHS talking therapies after my son was born. During the face to face assessment I explained that I felt my problems were the result of abuse and childhood trauma and I thought CBT would be of little benefit. She took that back to her team and arranged an assessment with a mental health nurse, who agreed with me. The nurse essentially wrote the referral letter from my GP so once the waiting list was back open, my GP referred me for psychotherapy. My timelines are a bit fuzzy as it was a few years ago but I recall the waiting list being long, and it only being 10 sessions. That said, if it's your only option at the moment it's something.

Haven’t posted for a while but been having that awful guilt/regret/anxious/painful tummy feeling for past week or so.

Feeling like why hasn’t anyone tried to contact me. There was a family event happening this weekend and I was looking forward to them asking me so I could tell them no but no-one has asked me. So I guess I get my wish. I keep thinking that even though I blocked them did they even try to call me? What was the point?

It has highlighted the deep abandonment I felt from my mum for all these years, I’ve always had to beg for her attention as she sits there rolling her eyes telling me I’m attention seeking and over sensitive which is exactly how I’m feeling right now. I have always believed we were close when actually it was me maintaining the relationship and as soon as I said I wasn’t happy she just said ok you can go.

I’ve remained in touch with two siblings yet they have not become flying monkeys - I guess I’ve been thinking (hoping?) there’d be more of a fight for me. I blocked them because they were making me so upset and I felt like I was talking to a brick wall, and now almost a month later no one has tried to see if I’m ok. Sister has had a new baby and I’ve been feeling terrible guilt at being nc with her, telling myself that her words were not that bad and maybe I’m overreacting by blocking her. I’m not sure which part of FOG I am in but definitely feeling less strong than I did a few weeks ago

Any suggestions to handle these feelings would be welcome

@Supamum3 again what you’re feeling is totally normal. Even when you’ve been NC for years you get a feeling of abandonment or being left out when you know family occasions are going off and they are all together. It’s completely illogical but as you say it’s linked to the emotional abandonment we had as children. Also try not to take siblings behaviour too personally, I’ve come to the conclusion it’s because we are all damaged and those still in contact with abusive parents are still being controlled like robots. It is FOG and although you may not understand the complex feelings, I’ve come to the conclusion to try and accept them for what they are, and try not to overthink it as best I can, those feelings definitely come in waves and can sometimes take you by surprise. When families do chase contact, it’s not for love, it’s purely control so not a positive thing. On the flip side, they also use not chasing as another control tool to play on your insecurities. x

@Supamum3 just to add, I think they decide what your main weakness is and their behaviour /strategy follows this. If they feel you’re weak and easily bullied they try to wear you down, stalk you and bombard you with contact, if they think your insecurities & fear of abandonment are your weakness, they get everyone in the family to totally ignore you and wait for you to come crawling back. I’ve had both treatment in the past from my lot. Took me a while to see it all for what it was. x

Sorry to jump on your thread but do people really behave like this? I have a fear of abandonment and my in-laws keep arranging family occasions when Im not there. Or for example they will visit for birthday of partner or ours kids just at the moment I will go out to work so I’m not there. My input on WhatsApp conversations will often be left unanswered and they will carry on chatting within themselves . I always thought it was me just over reacting or they just too unaware to see how this effects others.

@Happyfarm they totally do. My family have used this and imo people in general do. It’s a passive aggressive form of bullying, the same as young children excluding a friend in the playground. In my experience most narcissists/dysfunctional family members have toddler emotions and behave like children. Because we’re adults it’s confusing to us and difficult for us to process. Then we get gaslit but saying it’s us being over sensitive. It’s not you

Thanks for responding. I know my sis is deeply enmeshed and her response to me was clear of that, deep down I know she can’t see my mums toxic behaviour but it still hurt that she just rejected my experience. In regards to your comment about pushing buttons that resonates, my mum always moaned about how her mum left her when she was a new mum and how hard it was not to have that support, but she would never provide me with the support she never had instead told me plenty of times that she had to do alone and so I shouldn’t toughen up and do it too. Her abandonment of me appears normal because she was abandoned. I need to get to a point where I am not yearning for them.

Thanks for responding. I know my sis is deeply enmeshed and her response to me was clear of that, deep down I know she can’t see my mums toxic behaviour but it still hurt that she just rejected my experience. In regards to your comment about pushing buttons that resonates, my mum always moaned about how her mum left her when she was a new mum and how hard it was not to have that support, but she would never provide me with the support she never had instead told me plenty of times that she had to do alone and so I shouldn’t toughen up and do it too. Her abandonment of me appears normal because she was abandoned. I need to get to a point where I am not yearning for them.

Thank you for responding. Sometimes I think I’m going mad, I don’t expect adults to behave this way and I always find excuses for them. If I open my mouth then I sound ridiculous because it really is ridiculous. For example arranging a massive family bbq last weekend on the weekend we’re were away. Putting all the pics on facebook and chatting about how important family is….great! It’s so difficult when you have trauma to really get a grip on what’s going on. My upbringing was emotionally neglectful but not down to maliciousness, this feels personal.

@Supamum3 don't be too demanding on yourself, it takes a lot of untangling, reflection & processing. It’s very early days. I have days like this and I’ve got a previous 6 years NC under my belt. The first few years were an emotional rollercoaster of doubt, hurt and guilt but the mist does lift and you begin to see the reality of the situation and perhaps why things were as they are. Then the relief follows. Now I’ve gone NC again after giving them a second chance I see things now, that I never saw before and can’t quite believe how I missed them. As time progresses these feelings do become less often until a point where you feel them, but recognise them for what they are. It then becomes easier to push them out of your head and detach from them in my experience.

Possibly your in-laws have some weird dynamics. Plus it’s common for these types of parents to feel jealous or resentful of their children’s partners/families. Again linked to the toddler syndrome in their behaviour. My mum definitely behaved like this to my husband, once when we were all out she insisted on getting tea and cake for everyone but completely blanked him and didn’t get anything for him. It was carefully & obviously orchestrated but had we said anything, she’d have claimed it was an oversight. I just didn’t put him in that position again and it’s one of the many reasons I am NC with her.

It is funny you will say that because I don’t get offered food or a drink when we visit, I don’t get looked at and spoken to. I don’t get msged, we don’t get visited so they don’t visit their grandchildren. The other sibling and family gets thrown all the attention. I’ve no idea what I’ve done so wrong but it feels like something. We had the one and only group family weekend away together a few months ago. His mum barely said 2 words. On one occasion we all sat in a circle and she offered everyone drinks but stopped at me and when brought up said ooops sorry my mistake. I won’t be going again. I do feel like I’m being punished but not at all knowing why. Apart from being with her son.

Mine hasn't organised stuff without me (although is about to start, I'm absolutely fine with this though as they are massively stressful).

Family occasions come with the expectation that everyone will be a fucking performing monkey to fit in with her warped Keepng Up Appearances values. I really didn't want to go to the last couple of big birthday parties she organised - one for my Dad in a nursing home where she demanded at the last minute she wanted everyone to make speeches (including making my niece and nephew who lost their mum in the relatively recent past to do a "Farewell to Grandpa" speech, she was astonished when my niece put in apologies), and hers before that where we had a deranged photo shoot, the pictures to put up to impress her friends seem to be far more important than anything else.

Plus she spends these occasions picking and picking on someone trying to wind them up, one of them she spent the whole time telling my Dad he'd have to go back to the nursing home soon then was being all tragic when he eventually got upset.

When I last spoke to her she was putting pressure on me to "work with her for the sake of the family" which I suspect will mean going along with this shit.

We didn't actually do much for birthdays for about 20 years when I was about 17 or so as they would always go on holiday over mine, it's only been the last few years since they've stopped going away because of Dad being ill that birthdays have somehow become crucially important.